Children feeling resentful over parents’ luxury holidays

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I read an article in the newspaper today where several adult children (30-40 yrs age) were feeling resentful that their parents in retirement were going on luxury holidays a few times a year.
Their gripe was that they believed their parents were spending their inheritance which they felt was rightly theirs. It made them feel frustrated, envious and bitter. And they also claimed that they should be given their inheritance now rather than wait until they died.
I have to confess the article gave me the impression of selfish, cold hearted money grabbing adults.
AIBU?

Envious, certainly. But it's up to them what they do with their money.

I will admit to rolling my eyes a few times with the in-laws. They were both given hefty deposits to buy in London, and despite showing off their antiques worth half our deposit they haven't returned the favour. But that's just me being jealous l suppose, we got there in the end and can have pride in doing it all ourselves. Absolutely no way I'd be admitting any of it to a journalist!!

I don’t know, seeing DD in a home is my priority, I definitely want to spend my own money but equally I wouldn’t want to see her struggling.

There was a thread on here a while ago about somebody's retired parents upsizing to a million pound house while their adult kid was struggling enormously in poverty while working all hours, much harder than the parents did.

I intend to do the very opposite, sell my big house and buy my kids a small house each, or give big deposit for a bigger house. I won't need a big house and the world has changed, I don't want to see my kids struggle so much in a way I never had to. I'll still be able to go on lots of holidays, I'll just live in a smaller house.

My MIL has just inherited over £200k from her father (I say inherited but he hasn’t passed away yet, they got the house signed over to them to avoid paying for the care home he is now living in). She has no property or anything of any value to leave to her kids and plans to spend her dad’s life savings on holidays for herself. It might be wrong but that annoys me a bit.

The other thing about waiting on an inheritance, you'll be waiting an awfully long time. The average age to inherit in the UK is 61.

I am a millennial (mid 30s) and agree with this when looking at my parents. They’ve always been open about the hardships they faced growing up, when newly married and when we were young. They dealt with difficulties that I have never even considered and whilst they have hugely benefited from property price rises, I don’t believe it takes away the scrimping and saving they did in the early days for financial security.

Enjoy spending your hard earned money - you’ve given your children the best upbringing you can, now it is time for you to make the most of it

I think what really grates about “boomers” is the refusal to acknowledge how lucky they have been with the economic circumstances. Yes, they will have worked, but it is undeniable that the main reason they have accumulated wealth was TIMING.

My parents are ‘self made’. They think they have worked harder than anyone and their success is purely down to graft and acumen.

however-
they bought a large amount of land for £37,000 in the 1980s (Yes, I know that’s a lot of money back then), but now due to planning permission for a large housing estate is likely worth £15 million ish

built an extremely large 7 bedroom house for about £15k . Now worth at least a million

they also bought a portfolio of rental houses in the late 90s/ early 00s typical house bought for £60k ish, has been rented for 20 years - now about £800/month income and worth about £350k . They have about 10 properties like this.

these gains are just PHENOMENAL and something my generation will never never be able to achieve.

they travel pretty much constantly and moan and complain, the latest one is how awful it is the hire car is a dark colour because it attracts the heat. They have no perspective.

and no, I don’t think I’ll be seeing much inheritance at all, for complicated reasons.

I don't think that's true.
The relatively new concept is older people having money. Until quite recently, the culture was for young adults once working to give patents a bit of money each week.

You may not find it's that easy. I've been future planning for my children and, because you'll be selling and buying on the same market, and there's stamp duty, you might not have as much left over on downsizing as you think.

I think there's been a transition from younger people having money and older people being poor, to older people having money and younger people being poor. In the past, adult children gave their parents money to prevent real poverty, that culture has flipped around. No older people give children money towards house deposits etc and for a large part they do do this. If you're young and you watch all your friends getting on the housing ladder vir large gifts from parents, meanwhile your parents and instead going on lots of luxury holidays, while you struggle, never able to save a deposit because you're trapped paying high rent, that's got to sting surely.

My MIL’s dad was a multi-millionaire from doing very well in business (self-made man) and certainly lived like it. Massive house, very fancy cars, a few holiday homes.

My MIL didn’t begrudge him at all and was happy for him to be working his way through his cash as he’d worked hard for it.

That was until he passed away with many millions left in the bank. Over time she grew resentful. She kept thinking of all the times she had struggled, not massively, but enough to have to get a lodger in to make ends meet or remortgage the house yet again. She was disappointed that he hadn’t offered to help her out at the time. Obviously she (and her siblings) inherited all the wealth in the end but she didn’t really need it by the time she got it as her mortgage was already long paid off by then and her kids were adults.

So whilst on the one hand I agree with PP’s that no one is entitled to inheritance, and certainly not before the parents have died, but if you are pretty sure that there will be an inheritance eventually, why not help your offspring before you die?

I don't think children are entitled to inherit by any means, but I do kind of get where they're coming from. My parents had help from their parents, and inherited a bit when they died; they used that to help my siblings and I when we needed it; I fully intend to help my children if I can when the time comes too.

I'd never begrudge my parents having nice things or going on holiday - in fact I'd encourage them to do that while they want to. But I'd be disappointed in them if they were jetting off on expensive holidays left, right and centre while their children struggled to get by - that's just not how our family operates. Equally, I'd be disappointed in my siblings if they were complaining about our parents' holidays or spending.

I've never understood either entitled children or selfish parents - there's a balance where everyone knows that everyone else in the family wants them to have what they need and to enjoy life.

I think what really grates about “boomers” is the refusal to acknowledge how lucky they have been with the economic circumstances.

Could the same not be said for young adults? They were the first generation to be raised in comparative luxury. They’ve had privileged childhoods - enough toys to fill Hamleys, foreign holidays, nice homes, activities, days out, driving lessons, wardrobes bursting with clothes, technology… Very few of them appreciate how much better their early lives have been compared to their parents.

My DS was complaining that his was the first generation to be poorer than the parents, and he couldn’t buy a house anywhere near the size of ours, and moving out feels like a backward step. Of course he couldn’t afford to buy our house, he’s twenty fucking five! I pointed out that the 3 bed semi he has bought is much nicer than the two bed hovel I had at the same age.

DH and I worked 80 hours a week each for years, and sacrificed a lot because we thought we were doing the best thing for our kids. I actually felt proud that our children wouldn’t have to ever know the childhood I’d had - going without food and being bullied because of their clothes. I’m beginning to regret it now it’s used as a stick to beat us because we can’t provide ongoing luxury for the rest of their lives!

For the record, I’ll never inherit a bean. When my DF died I had to pay for his funeral, and it will be the same when DM’s time comes.

My parents used to do this

I was a very skint single parent years ago (struggled to feed them,keep them warm and to buy nappies-csa where worse than useless)

My parents knew this-and would come round,just to brag that they'd bought a new car or gone out and dumped £400 on a meal

They thought it was funny to rub my face in it

Don't get me wrong,my father worked more than hard for what they've got-they where more than entitled to spend their money how they saw fit

I'm not saying they had to pay my way too but if I knew my adult child was struggling to feed my grandchild,I'd be doing everything I could do to ease that pressure

Not coming round,laughing and bragging about dumping £500 on crap they'd never wear or use while i was hunting down the back of the sofa for 2p to buy a loaf of bread

@Menomeno insuppose it depends what young generation we are talking about. I don’t know how old your son is. I’m mid 30s and that certainly wasn’t my childhood.

we didn’t do many days out, maybe the zoo once a year if that. Maybe one beach trip in the summer. Most of my free time was spent roaming around on bikes with friends being benignly neglected. I wore my brothers overly large hand me down clothes and was teased for it. I vividly remember being bought my first pair of adidas track suit trousers (fashionable at the time!) age about 11. Didn’t have a phone until I was maybe 15? Food we always had the yellow sticker / end of date and cheap meals eg jacket pots.

so yes privileged in that I had a home with heating and hot water but I wasn’t lavished with other expenditures. Conversely I now have a huge student debt, horrendous nursery fees and I think they house prices and COL far outweighs any days out or toys bought in childhood!

@Menomeno sorry just seen you said your son is 25. I’m a decade older, so maybe that is the difference?

my parents were building their 7 bedroom huge house and acres of land at my age now

That is a disgusting attitude imo.
I hate this idea that you have an inheritance waiting if only your parent would die, die DIE!!

No. They have money. They are alive. They aren't holding your inheritance, they have their money which they can spend how they like. End of story.

I mean the way some people go on about it I think why not just push your parents down the bloody stairs and get your hands on their cash

@Menomeno you and your DH both worked 80 hour weeks for years? With multiple DC? I'm finding this difficult to imagine, how did it look in practice?

Yes, I very much agree. And whilst nowhere near elderly yet, I include myself in this, having had free university and been able to get on the housing ladder before prices went crazy. A lot of people will say how lucky they believe younger generations to be now, because they lived through times of 15% interest rates. I'm sure it was very unwelcome and tough, but I'd much rather pay 15% on a modest amount than 5% on a huge one.

I think a lot of people just parrot "I've worked hard all my life" whether they have or not. Same as those who demand "Why should all of my taxes pay for X?" when, in reality, most people don't pay in anywhere near as much in tax (if any) as they personally get out.

Jealousy of the world your parents lived in isn't a good look

Yes they had benefited from things that are currently much harder for younger generations- that's what we should fix, not being jealous or trying to stop them

How to fix - tax inheritance and make being a private landlord so horrid that selling rental homes back to the council is attractive- to start to fix the housing market which is more than half the current problem

And fix climate change or you are so screwed that you will view these years as the best days of your life

So that younger genrrations will also have something to look forward to when they finally retire

Yes, I completely agree. Nobody wants to be throwing money at somebody with a drugs or gambling problem, or just an unstoppable spendthrift; but I really don't get why parents are keen to pass on their accumulated knowledge, skills and experience to help their children throughout their lives, but then insist that they shouldn't have any financial assistance whatsoever, otherwise it will 'spoil' them and 'they'll never learn themselves'.

I know it's not quite the same thing, but there's another current thread where a 5yo child had her heart set on a particular toy and asked for it for her birthday. Because of her grandmother's odd behaviour, it looked like she might end up with a vaguely similar kind of toy that really wasn't what she wanted instead, but some people were still trying to put the boot in and find reasons why a little child should 'have a learning experience' by being told that her preferences were wrong and she should just be grateful for being given any old thing.

In the same way as no one person, or single generation, could themselves possibly discover in a lifetime all of the essential knowledge that has been passed down through the ages, it's similar with money and financial wellbeing. Surely most parents want to be able to set their children up well in as many ways as possible for their future life? Not so that those adult children can rest on their laurels and spend the lot, but so that they in turn can also do the same for their children.

They are not going to ‘retire’ whatever gave you that idea.

Exactly what I thought. Who on earth pays to read the daily mail!

However, I think there was a similar article in the times several days ago.

cheap university
The 'Boomers' that people are talking about had much less chance of going to university. When I left school in the 70s only about 8% of people went to university. (Imagine how much smaller percentage than that went from my council estate comp. Pretty much none) Now 40% of pupils leave school for university.

Dirt cheap houses
Our first house cost 32k. It did not seem cheap to us at all. We shat ourselves and laid awake worrying for months/years really. It never occurred to me that our parents would help us out - they had nothing to spare. I worked all the overtime I could get and my husband took a second job cleaning the local school before work and we lived hand to mouth for several years to keep the roof over our heads. Gradually, when we had bits of money spare we did it up, doing all the work ourselves and my dear dad helped us learn the skills to do it.
The house might be worth ten times that now (I've no idea) but that means nothing to us. We can't downsize from a two bed terrace. We can't turn it into meals out or beach holidays or we'd be on the streets.

The sums and stories mentioned in the article and this thread are not the norm. Many, many older people live in poverty or on the edge of it.

Even then, the poster keen to rubbish her parents pride in the acumen shown in developing a small property empire is a bit harsh. They could have sat on their arses and done nothing, but they obviously made sacrifices, wise choices and worked hard to make their lives as they saw fit. Now is her chance to make something of her life, not dismiss theirs.

Honestly, nobody gets an easy ride, especially the working classes.

This kind of bloody DM article makes my blood boil.
It's designed to create 'others'...people to blame for the failings of the government and detract from the fact that they are skimming the cream off for themselves and their mates rather than investing in housing, health, education or any bloody thing that would be useful for the common good really.

Some Boomers got very lucky with the economic situation they found themselves in and the opportunities that created (i.e home ownership, comfortable living standards, social mobility). Younger generations have not been so lucky. So there is sometimes inequality within family generations.