family inheritance - has gone to my mum but family agree it should pass to yonger generation but i have to 'ask' for it?

[Sailawaygirl]

Sorry title probably isnt the best and i almost put this in AIBU however i'm not annoyed as yet, just a bit confused / not sure what others think and defo couldn't cope with the comments in AIBU !!
I am also very aware of COL and that lots of people don't get monetary support from family and up to this point neither have I in any large way ( my DM was kind enough to buy me my first car). My Dad has always said there is 'money for me for my .. first house, wedding, children ect... ' however all these milestones have passed so i have assumed that if there was any saved money it had to be used on something else (both parents retired early, all grandparents sadly passed so always assumed i would have no inheritance for now. I've not been brave enough to directly ask as i dont want to seem like a money grabbing daughter (only child)

Anyway..... a relative of DM very sadly and unexpectedly passed recently and unexpectantly also when family looked at the finances there was some money (pensions) as well of share of sale of house to come.

DM's and her family have agreed that any money should be passed to me and another relative of that same age as the DM and her siblings are all 'doing ok'. Very kind

The bit i am finding hard to navigate is that this money is mentioned and some of it is sitting in DMs bank accounts but it is implied that I have to ask her if I want it. For example I need some urgent house repairs - I just about have the savings for this but would completely wipe me out (i only have £3K in savings and im on mat leave and in over draft every month if i dont take out of savings).

DM has said she will pay for the house repairs from this money (very very helpful!!) but I feel annoyed that as a grown 35yr old i have to ask my DM and justify my self.

I know some of this is my own pride and concern about me being seen as spoiled only child but also a feeling that money will have to be used for 'sensible parent approved things' for example me and DH would love a big holiday and my parents were always 'savers' rather than holiday people. personally i would value the family experience of a nice holiday abroad vs camping in uk!!!

Parents are using capital gains tax as a reason for not transferring any of the money to me directly. I have asked them to pay child care fees directly when we get to this point.

Soo
how do I go about talking to them about this pot of money!! I know I need to zip up my big lady suit and have a conversation but when ever i talk about money with my DM or dad i feel like a small kid again.
Would you accept having to ask your parents for money for house repairs or big holiday?

There was no will. The beneificiary was the OPs mum

'Family agreement' has nothing to do with it. If the deceased wanted OP and htis other relative to have that money, they would have (should have) made a will. They didnt so the money is now owned solely by OPs mum, not 'the family'.

I would just ask, yes it may well be that you don't use it to pay for a holiday. However you've a lot more chance of saving up for said holiday with your mum paying for expensive repairs on your house, childcare fees. I honesty would just get over this, it's okay for them to not want you to spend it on a big holiday.

But that’s whole point. You do what you want with your money - in your case hand it down to your son. But the expectation should never come from anyone that they are entitled to someone else’s cash, even if they are related. Inheritance is a gift, a nice gesture from a loved one usually. It’s not a right.

Exactly this.

Get quotes for the repairs, present them to your mum & ask if her offer to pay still stands. She offered to pay, give her opportunity.

Ignore the "wanted you to have it" thing for now.

I agree with this post whole heartedly.

Just thinking this over again, is OPs mother being manipulated into agreeing things she doesnt want to agree with?

This narrative that 'everyone has agreed' that this money should go to OP and the other relative, is the mother just agreeing with that out of not wanting confrontation, does she feel manipulated and controlled to agree to something she doesnt actually want to do? She is the benificiary, not 'the family'. Its not for others to make decisions about her money.

I would be worried about financial abuse here.

‘Mum I know you wanted to give me cash towards our wedding, car, house and I wondered if you were still going to do this?’

Just wondering if there is a history here of you not managing money well, and she is concerned it will be frittered away on ... expensive holidays.

I can understand how frustrating this would be for you - but the alternative is you not getting the money at all. She could legally do this very easily.

I think it’s a shit organisation.

Either it’s yours and should be in your account.
Or it’s your mum and it stays in hers and she does whatever she wants with it. Incl it giving it you if she wants.

The idea you need to ask fir it is bonkers imo.
I know I wouldn’t ask my parents in that situation. For the reasons you mentioned. But also because I’d see the money as theirs and I’ve heard enough that children asking their parents fur money was shit

This is utterly shit.

Are you saying that a 35yo woman p, married with children will automatically ‘fritter away’ the inheritance?
The OP isn’t 18yo.
And why is the mum automatically assumed to be wiser re spending money??

This money is either tte OP and she should have full access to it. Or it’s her mum and there is no ‘asking’ to be made.
Because otherwise, I agree with OP, you fall into a power play situation which is good fir no one.

Someone somewhere said this money could be given to you....who was that?
Your mother has got the money as apparently the will stated her not you.
Just go and ask her. Whatever she says, and with the attitude she says it, will tell you all you need to know.

Look, it's your mum's money. You either accept it on her terms or you choose to walk away.

I would not ask. My mum is exactly the same. “You know the money is there, you just have to ask”.

It is too humiliating. She just wants to be able to say to her friends, “Well I’ve had to help MakeupTable out again”

I asked once and was given a small lump sum for an actual emergency during Covid, which I had to pay back monthly. Despite being told it was my money. Never again. I avoid money conversations with her at all costs.

It is upsetting.

If she ever mentions it to you again, you could just say, look mum I really would appreciate some money being transferred as I have plans for x,y and z. This is how much I need. Can you transfer it. Her answer will tell you whether to pursue it.

If the deceased relative wanted you to have the money, they would have left it to you. It is your mother's money, and the "she would have wanted you to have it" is a fiction so you know you can ask for money if you need it - it is not an inheritance. I would have said "But you know I am not going to ask you for money though", just so everyone is clear the money is not really being given to me.

What does stand out to me is that you feel hard done by having no inheritance from grandparents etc. The reality is that most people don't. The only inheritance most people receive is much later in life (hopefully) when their parents pass away, and often very little then. The best option is to assume no inheritance, make peace with that, and support your own lifestyle.

I will agree it would be easier if people didn't offer money knowing that you won't ever ask for it though.

I agree with this.
Who is the « wider family », who were not close enough to the deceased to be beneficiaries themselves, yet are entitled to decide where the money should go?
OP, unfortunately there was no will, so the money is legally your mum’s, that’s all there is to it.
For whatever reason, it sounds like your mum is not ready to give it to you outright so yes you’ll have to ask nicely if you need anything.

You just need to establish clearly what the score is by asking for sone money fits very sensible purpose -the repairs on house.

Get that, spend the money then see how it was all treated? Then see if you can ask for more for something else.

But if you don't ask you won't get. I'd be fine asking my parents for this if they had said I just need to ask. But they are straightforward people.

Was your Mum the main beneficiary of the intestate rules or has she received money that would have gone to her siblings if they hadn't wanted to 'pass it down a generation' as those are v. different situations

DM has said she will pay for the house repairs from this money (very very helpful!!) but I feel annoyed that as a grown 35yr old i have to ask my DM and justify my self.

You know, as a grown 35 year old you could always choose to pay for your own house repairs. This is your mother's money, not yours. It's clear that she wants to use some of it to take the financial strain out of your life and make you more secure, but in a way she determines as sensible. You say you'd rather have a holiday. So you're not on the same page. You need a discussion but don't be surprised if you don't like what you hear.

Maybe I've read too many threads on the relationship board and I've become jaded but - How strong is your marriage, is it likely to last decades or has your DM side eyed your DH a few times? Maybe she doesn't want to give you a lump sum because of him spending it on hobbies, excessive holidays or fancy cars instead of making sure your house is fit to live in for twenty+ years. Does he have the final say on family money?

EDIT - although after reading your post again and your dismissal of parental saving instead of nice holidays when your own house is in need of desperate repairs and you don't have a financial safety net is quite worrying. I wouldn't trust you not to fritter it away tbh.

"DM and her family have agreed" but essentially by hanging onto the cash, she's not doing what was agreed is she?

Who's the other family member? Sibling, cousin? What's happened with them?

Your DM has no intention of giving you the cash imo. She's pandering to her family to look like she is. Call her out on it by explicitly asking for what you need, that way at least you know if you can sort the house repairs. Check how much they can gift you annually before falling foul of CGT tax. Be informed.

Thank so everyone. to answer some questions

• brothers and sister of deceased are offical beneficiary's as only next of kin and no will

• mum did the paper work for pensions so it got payed into her account. But thinking about it she will have to share with her siblings and /or my cousin. Waiting for house money to come.

• I agree it's not my money! Which is why I feel so confused. But also like most ppl it's hard not to think it would be helpful in COL

• no back story with DH

• that money would be passed to me and a cousin was discussed and agreed between mum and her siblings. I was unaware of this.

-had conversation with mum where she said the plan was to give half to me and cousin other half. I was shocked! And suggested I just get a small share. She said no and was adment 50/50 me and cousin.

-re the holidays and be being frivolous. Mum made comment that given sudden passing of relative she wished we had done more family holidays and time is short ect ect. With reflection I think this was maybe more grief talking. She also said she feels guilty that she has more disposable income than ever and hard to see me 'struggle'. I feel she deserves what she has and defo don't begrudge her, she is generation that got funked up by increased pension age and also.gave up work to look after me.

• the back tracking ' just ask me for money' now seems to be after she has discussed everything with my dad! We briefly discussed cost of repair and she would have to talk to dad! Now this really annoyed me as it is her money and nothing to do with him! He likes to think he's Mr money after making some good investments ( but also loosing a quiet a bit too!).

Helpful for pointers on tax ect and comments have given me points to reflect on and think about.

Thanks for this extra info.

What jumps at me is that you feel it has nothing to do with your dad. Of course it has, if like most couple they work on a 50/50 basis. If I inherit money, or he does, or if I win the lottery, or if he does- it will be 50/50 and fully discussed and agreed upon.

Is there past history of you not spending so wisely and having to be bailed out? Perhaps. Just asking.

I mean it's easy to think others are poor with money from the outside.

We went to America for my 30th DH mostly saved for this as a surprise as we never had a propper honey moon. At the time i think my parents thought we should have used the money for a house deposit however it made the best memories and with hindsight helped me out of depression. We managed house in the end just took a bit longer.

Dad's always saying thing like we need solar panels or do this or that with house ( it's liveable but not great but I'm happy for now) we have had enough money to spend 1k - 2k a year before mat leave on house but would have really struggled to fund big projects like solar panels and full new heating system. Although he brings it up every visit!

Never been bailed out financially. Worked all through uni and post grad with no parents help compared to peers. Eg I paid all my rent and food.

But you say DM has said the money for repairs are there for you so just remind her of this and ask for it.