family inheritance - has gone to my mum but family agree it should pass to yonger generation but i have to 'ask' for it?

[Sailawaygirl]

Sorry title probably isnt the best and i almost put this in AIBU however i'm not annoyed as yet, just a bit confused / not sure what others think and defo couldn't cope with the comments in AIBU !!
I am also very aware of COL and that lots of people don't get monetary support from family and up to this point neither have I in any large way ( my DM was kind enough to buy me my first car). My Dad has always said there is 'money for me for my .. first house, wedding, children ect... ' however all these milestones have passed so i have assumed that if there was any saved money it had to be used on something else (both parents retired early, all grandparents sadly passed so always assumed i would have no inheritance for now. I've not been brave enough to directly ask as i dont want to seem like a money grabbing daughter (only child)

Anyway..... a relative of DM very sadly and unexpectedly passed recently and unexpectantly also when family looked at the finances there was some money (pensions) as well of share of sale of house to come.

DM's and her family have agreed that any money should be passed to me and another relative of that same age as the DM and her siblings are all 'doing ok'. Very kind

The bit i am finding hard to navigate is that this money is mentioned and some of it is sitting in DMs bank accounts but it is implied that I have to ask her if I want it. For example I need some urgent house repairs - I just about have the savings for this but would completely wipe me out (i only have £3K in savings and im on mat leave and in over draft every month if i dont take out of savings).

DM has said she will pay for the house repairs from this money (very very helpful!!) but I feel annoyed that as a grown 35yr old i have to ask my DM and justify my self.

I know some of this is my own pride and concern about me being seen as spoiled only child but also a feeling that money will have to be used for 'sensible parent approved things' for example me and DH would love a big holiday and my parents were always 'savers' rather than holiday people. personally i would value the family experience of a nice holiday abroad vs camping in uk!!!

Parents are using capital gains tax as a reason for not transferring any of the money to me directly. I have asked them to pay child care fees directly when we get to this point.

Soo
how do I go about talking to them about this pot of money!! I know I need to zip up my big lady suit and have a conversation but when ever i talk about money with my DM or dad i feel like a small kid again.
Would you accept having to ask your parents for money for house repairs or big holiday?

TBH @Sailawaygirl your post makes you sound like a bit of a brat. I’m sure you didn’t mean to come across that way and you’re undoubtedly frustrated by the situation. But, kindly, it isn’t your money.
I’d have been beyond grateful if my DP had ever offered to pay for anything but (a) there was no inheritance, ever and (b) I was expected to stand on my own two feet. It’s what adults do. Rightly or wrongly they have concerns about your financial circumstances/management and they’re trying to help you. By all means bite off the hand that feeds you, or, be grateful for their help and accept it with good grace. Demanding that they pay you what you think you’re owed is only going to alienate and upset them. Is that worth a fancy holiday?

I think the people talking about manipulation are talking about a scenario like the following:

Parents: oh, we have money saved for you and will help with your wedding and your first house and when your first child is born.

Child: hi mum, I'm getting married next year, we'd love you to come, want to come and visit some venues?

Parents: oh gosh that'll be expensive how are you planning to afford it?

Repeat for first house and first child.....

I am more financially astute than either of my parents (degree in economics and substantial practical experience managing money). In my first year at uni I explained to my dad why having permanent credit card debt was a bad idea and also sorted out their savings which they had in accounts earning a hideously low rate of interest.

I am still apparently too young to be trusted with money.

(This changed recently after a divorce settlement when mum realised how much money I actually have and am managing, I am now giving her investment advice😂😂😂)

It’s not your money though? It hasn’t been left to you and you have no claim to it. Your mother is being generous giving you a hand, no obligation on her part. J

Why don't you just say, 'If it's my money I'd like all of it now please, if it's your money then thank you for being so generous and offering to help out with house repairs and education as and when the need arises'.

That clears it up.

But I think deep down you know it's not yours and you're being a bit greedy.

I think there is an amount you can gift a year without any implications I believe about £3000 , perhaps they would be able to do that .

Problem is that DM has made a lot of promises which she has then failed to keep. DM hasnt been generous. This looks like another in a long line of carrots dangled.

DM doesnt appear to really be willing to hand over any money. DM likes making promises, likes the look of being generous but doesnt want to stick her hand in her pocket.

In my view this isnt about inheritance. DM has come into a significant windfall. She has said she wants to share but in fact doesnt.

In my view this isnt about inheritance. DM has come into a significant windfall. She has saidshe wants to share butin factdoesnt.

If that's OP's view as well then she should just accept that the money isn't hers.

Well it’s not your money if you haven’t been left it in a will. It’s your mothers. Just be business like about it.

https://www.gov.uk/inheritance-tax/gifts

Your DM can gift you money without any issues with tax

For example, she can gift you some money every year if there is a large amount

More info on the link

The money belongs to your mother. All you have to do is ask for it when you want it. Happy days.

Yes, why did they never give you money for your education, first house, wedding etc, despite saying they would? We’re you supposed to ask for it then, too, or was it simply not there?

MN is so weird about family money: on the one hand parents are supposed to guard inheritance with their lives—never remarrying or having more children to interfere with the property. On the other hand a perfectly natural expectation that a parent will pay for education/wedding/house deposit is seen as an obscene money grab.

MN can really contradict itself …because it is not 1 person 😁 it’s thousands of people’s opinions

there is no such thing as an MN opinion

Id forget about the money tbh.

Its not yours. I'd never ask for it.

Move on.

Surely the answer is to ask for financial help with the household repairs etc and save your own money for a big holiday.
My dc ask outright if they need financial help ( rarely to be fair and they offer to pay back) we help if we can and we don’t judge if they take a holiday because it’s not our business.

Id say once "when you have decided how m7ch to give me, let me know so I can plan". Be direct. If no money comes, say "did you decide not to give me money?".

My parents have been generous to me and I have been very grateful but what they understand to be gratitude includes "respect," and they define respect. So despite having told them once a week for a d3cade how gratefulvi was and still am, they've labelled me ungrateful. So, it may not be worth asking more than once.

Everyone saying it's not OPs money are missing the fact the whole family who were the direct beneficiaries agreed the inheritance was to be split between the two people of the next generation. I'm presuming the OP and a cousin.
Now her mother was given the money, but I wonder if the other family members presume it's been passed on to OP.
Did the other person get their money as a lump sum ?
I think it's very controlling of DM , and not generous or nice.
A family agreement was the OP gets the money..
I'd be thinking it through..you can get the quotes for repairs and ask for that sum and get your house done..accepting you'll need to repeat this process when you get to nursery fees etc.
Or you ask for the whole lot , saying you know the wider family agreement was you had it and you'd like to invest it, manage it yourself etc.
If you do the second and your DM doesn't hand it over, that might damage your relationship badly and so you need to weigh that up.

The inheritance tax arguement wouldn’t make sense either. If they gave money above the annual limit away it would still form part of their own estate if they happened to die within 7 years, but if they keep it it will be in their own estate anyway. Giving it away actually means there is the potential for it not to be subject to iht so there’s no tax arguement that it should be done this way. Likely to be a non tax reason and they are using tax as an excuse to justify

Inheritance just causes unnecessary drama and should not exist. We should all make our own way in the world and work for our money. It isn’t your money, maybe you will get some when your parents die, or maybe not. It is nobody’s entitlement,nor in my opinion should it ever be.

Well it's not your money so yes, you should have to ask. Maybe your DM wants to make sure it is going to good use rather than just handing it over to you.

That is great for people that have the ability to make their way in the world as I have done without help. However my son is autistic and is unlikely to ever hold down a full time job or buy a house etc so why shouldn’t I pass my estate onto him. Not talking millions btw. Estates that are big enough have to pay inheritance tax so that cuts down what is being passed on, maybe they should cut some of the loop holes in iht, like if you have a mansion with grounds and you pay someone to farm part of the grounds you can claim agricultural property relief so the property and grounds don’t go into your estate, obviously this is a protection for genuine farms who would have to sell up to pay iht without it but it’s used extensively by really rich people with massive houses and grounds

I think you need to have a direct conversation, as in if the money is actually yours so can you gave it all transferred to manage or if it's your money but as and when your mum decides? If it's the second then I'd leave it, I couldn't go with my begging bowl every time I needed something. I get everyone saying that it's not yours but it's your mum who says it was but seems to have changed her mind or being super controlling

Are you worried that taking money off them for things like childcare and house repairs opens you up to wider scrutiny of your spending? So if their paying for essentials means you can save for that holiday but you know your mum will pass comment on it then it's a poisoned chalice really isn't it?

Ok so working on the assumption they actually do want you to have it -

Start a group chat (or group email or any other form of communication where you're talking to them all at once) with all those who agreed that they wanted you to have the money and ask if that offer still stands. Say that you completely understand if not, it's not your money but you just want to check. If they say yes then you say would it be possible to transfer it to my account as a lump sum then please? I would use it on x, y, z. Mum was worried about capital gains but I've checked and the tax position is ...

If they don't want that and want you to keep asking for each bit as and when you need it then you say thank you so much and I am grateful, it was a lovely idea of yours but it's really humiliating to have to keep coming cap in hand and feeling like I have to justify myself so I think it's best if you keep it, I'll figure something else out. I'm not throwing it back in your faces but I am feeling really ashamed to have to keep asking and it's not something I can do.

Group pressure may make your mum pass it over rather than try to control you with it.

It doesnt sound odd at all. There was no will, and the only beneficiary is the OPs mother

OP Im amazed at some of these responses to you. To me you sound incredibly entitled. Its not your money.