family inheritance - has gone to my mum but family agree it should pass to yonger generation but i have to 'ask' for it?

[Sailawaygirl]

Sorry title probably isnt the best and i almost put this in AIBU however i'm not annoyed as yet, just a bit confused / not sure what others think and defo couldn't cope with the comments in AIBU !!
I am also very aware of COL and that lots of people don't get monetary support from family and up to this point neither have I in any large way ( my DM was kind enough to buy me my first car). My Dad has always said there is 'money for me for my .. first house, wedding, children ect... ' however all these milestones have passed so i have assumed that if there was any saved money it had to be used on something else (both parents retired early, all grandparents sadly passed so always assumed i would have no inheritance for now. I've not been brave enough to directly ask as i dont want to seem like a money grabbing daughter (only child)

Anyway..... a relative of DM very sadly and unexpectedly passed recently and unexpectantly also when family looked at the finances there was some money (pensions) as well of share of sale of house to come.

DM's and her family have agreed that any money should be passed to me and another relative of that same age as the DM and her siblings are all 'doing ok'. Very kind

The bit i am finding hard to navigate is that this money is mentioned and some of it is sitting in DMs bank accounts but it is implied that I have to ask her if I want it. For example I need some urgent house repairs - I just about have the savings for this but would completely wipe me out (i only have £3K in savings and im on mat leave and in over draft every month if i dont take out of savings).

DM has said she will pay for the house repairs from this money (very very helpful!!) but I feel annoyed that as a grown 35yr old i have to ask my DM and justify my self.

I know some of this is my own pride and concern about me being seen as spoiled only child but also a feeling that money will have to be used for 'sensible parent approved things' for example me and DH would love a big holiday and my parents were always 'savers' rather than holiday people. personally i would value the family experience of a nice holiday abroad vs camping in uk!!!

Parents are using capital gains tax as a reason for not transferring any of the money to me directly. I have asked them to pay child care fees directly when we get to this point.

Soo
how do I go about talking to them about this pot of money!! I know I need to zip up my big lady suit and have a conversation but when ever i talk about money with my DM or dad i feel like a small kid again.
Would you accept having to ask your parents for money for house repairs or big holiday?

Just say it's very nice of you to offer me the money and yes I really would like it, when can you transfer my half to me? (If the other half is promised to another next generation person). I'm sure so and so will also really appreciate their half.

If the answer isn't very positive forget it was ever offered, it's just manipulation.

I also can't see where CGT comes in, it's just a cash gift, if your DM survives seven years it will be tax free, otherwise it will attract reducing amounts of IHT with time (assuming your DM;s estate will attract IHT), so the sooner it's done the more tax efficient it would be.

By the sounds of it they're not going to give it to you. They haven't ever before despite dangling the carrot. How do you feel asking? Will they make you jump through hoops forever if they give you it is it worth it.

YABU - if you want something you have to ask, nicely.

Sit down with them and have a conversation about financial planning, short, medium and long term goals. Lay out what your needs are (repairs, child care) and any wants and talk to them about the best way to realize those things. Does it make sense to put money for longer term goals in a higher interest account / ISA? Does it make sense to top up pensions? Rather than going cap in hand each time, help them understand that you are financially literate, and want to ensure you are approaching things sensibly.

My understanding (and am not a solicitor) is that DOV can also be done when someone dies intestate like this, as long as within 2 years of date of death and all beneficiaries who would have inherited are in agreement

If she wanted to give it to you she would have given it to you. She prefers to have the money and the control

Absolutely this. YANBU it is infantilising. I can understand why you are annoyed.

There was no will in your favour. The money is not yours. If your Mum (or anyone else) decides to give it all to Battersea Dogs Home there's squat all you can do about it. So just be grateful any of it is coming your way.
Never fails to amaze me how what happens to the estates of dead people brings out the worst in the living - all putting in a claim to money that is not theirs, and getting narked when someone else gets it.

It's up to you what you do but it's your Mums money so if she wants to be cagey about it then there is nothing you can do. You have to weigh up whether the game playing is worth the cash or not. It sounds like it is.

I think it's a little disingenuous of you to complain about the game playing though. You know the score so you are making an active choice.

Having said that when we've helped our adult kids out we have always made it really clear using actual words that it's a gift free of any conditions at all. We have examples such as they could waste the whole lot on holidays etc. Having said that we knew they were all sensible so were fairly sure they wouldn't waste it.

I don't think there is anything wrong with parents gifting money to adult children with strings attached as long as it is made perfectly clear upfront.

I'd just take it and be thankful for it. You say you don't have much savings and this would have cleaned you out. So let your. Pay for the house repairs and you keep your savings. If she sees you being responsible with money she's more likely to help you out with your house.

I think a lot of people who have intentions of helping out adult children have a rethink as they get older and realise that they want to maximise their own savings as much as they can. When you get older you realise the cost of care homes etc are exorbitant so it's not surprising that a lot of older people start to feel less generous. My MILs care home costs £70k a year. It's much nicer than the other government funded homes. Throw in COL then it's even more understandable that people get to nervous to give away their money.

Also, if older parents keep (their) money for themselves it's normally on the understanding that anything left will be going to their kids eventually anyway.

They may be waiting to see if there is anything they need first which is understandable. People may think they are comfortably off financially but things are so expensive now that they may feel worried about potentially needing work done on their own property
in the meantime ask if they will pay for repairs to your property- you are still in a very fortunate position

Completely agree with this.

My mum and my dad had mirror wills leaving half to the other spouse and a quarter each to me and my brother.

My mum panicked a bit at one point and was worried that if dad died she wouldn't have enough money to live on.

So they rewrote the wills to be a straightforward leave it all to the remaining spouse.

Dad died, mum has so much money she doesn't know what to do with it but can't give it away now as she (and I) are concerned about deprivation of assets.

I was quite unhappy about it to be honest because I'd planned to give the money dad would have left me to my kids as a house deposit for them each.

No help just best of luck!!!

WinteryConditions
Just caught sight of your post- criminal that care homes cost so much. Horrible!

I have exactly the same situation. But it's my parents money and so that's that. My cousins have inherited grandparents money, me and brother haven't. Just one of those things. Not worth causing friction over. I've just moved on. My husband and I laugh about it as they told us we'd inherit it and I know it went through over 2 years ago. We're not sure why the change of heart, but its their choice and I love them regardless.

This. Absolutely this.

If at 35 you struggle to find money for roof repairs, yet if you'd have a few grand you'd spend it on a family holiday as you don't want the kind of frugal camping holidays your parents did... I can see they feel you are not financially mature enough to handle any inheritance ?

I have some money for my DC which they do not know about, they are early 20s and if I gave it to them now they would spend it on tattoos and fun.

I worry about their financial futures so don't want to give them the money until they are financially self sufficient AND financially sensible...

I would happily pay for education, wedding, mortgage, home repairs etc but not for holidays/tattoos.

In my view, until they are sensible enough to see that you need a certain amount of savings to deal with unexpected life events, giving them cash they might just fritter worries me too much

Maybe your parents are the same

Maybe we are unreasonable

The tax reference makes no sense to me. If its all being held in cash accounts then how could CGT apply. On the other hand your parents holding it means that in the event of their deaths it will count for inheritance tax purposes, many people transfer assets to their children early for this reason. It sounds to me more like a control thing, saying its your money but only releasing it for things they approve of. You could test this by saying you have researched investment options and decided you would like to put the money into X isa, Y investment bond Z deposit account so if they would like to transfer the funds you will make the arrangements.

So price up the repairs needed, get quotes etc. Add some contingency to the budget.
Ok mum this is what we need to do. Got the quotes & need £xx. Can you transfer the money please.
Maybe invest some in premium bonds?

Yes I'd go that.

Money for a pension for example or isa.

Ask for money for holiday later on

But at least start the process.

In your case has your mother or parents said we will help you out with money when you get married, buy a home ect and then when the time came no extra money was forthcoming?
Does your mother feel that she should have some say in how you spend this money?
Does she still think that your a child or has she a need to be in control of things in general?

Do you know what the value is of the sum that your mother got from this inheritance? Has she gotten advice on how to give you this money without you ending up with a large tax bill?
I think that your entitled to ask her a few questions about this money and to know it value.
I would say to her about the legal documents mentioned in previous posts to set up giving this money to you.

Once you know the value of this sum you can make plans on how to best use this money. I would use it for house repairs, pay off some of the principal off your mortgage, put it into long term savings or a pension depending on it's value.
Tell your mother I will use this money for x,y z. Perhaps if she sees your using this money wisely she maybe happier to give it to you now.
I think that a lump sum of money given to you at this stage and used wisely can be of more benefit now than say after your mother's death. Also you don't want this money used to pay for care home fees down the line because its in your mother's name in her bank account.

Could your DM be worried that if she transfers the lot to you (super generous) there is a partner who could take 50% in the event of a split down the line? Also is she worried instead of having savings for emergencies or paying for house you will blow £10,000 on a holiday?

We have money set aside to help with wedding, house deposit similar to what you mentioned OP but if DC were going to blow it on a holiday then we would like to have such a holiday instead of saving it. It’s hard when you’ve grown up in a generation that was taught to be sensible with money rather than spend any extra.

To me that is not “manipulation” or “game playing” as some suggest. It’s more about wanting a good secure financial future for your DC and knowing that life can change in an instant. It’s enlightening to hear how it is perceived as being controlling rather than generous though.

Maybe best to keep out of DC’s finances rather than risk misunderstandings and tension. OP I hope you and DPs can communicate honestly about this. In a way it’s a nice problem to have.

I agree with people saying you should ask to put it into something ultra sensible like an ISA.

I suspect Your Mum really hasn’t thought this through. The repercussions of refusing a request for example. She should just transfer the money over or not have said anything and kept it for herself. Presumably it’s sitting in her account making her a nice amount of interest. If it stays there forever and your parents need care at some point then she will be expected to use that money and won’t be able to transfer it to you at all.

So your mum has a lot of money sitting in a bank account. You can ask to have some or not. Your mum is not going to magically give you the money without an awkward conversation. So is the awkwardness worth the money?

Personally, I think people should either be trusted with money when they are 35 or told by the people who control it that they don’t trust them to use it correctly. This halfway house stuff would drive me bonkers, and if it were my family I would have it out with them what their intentions were as the unknown would sour my relationship due to the elephant in the room. The unknown unspoken stuff would upset me.

You have misunderstood your mum.

It's her money, not yours.

She is willing to help you out a lot and is saying just ask if you want it for something.

Pretty generous I would say and I certainly wouldn't be complaining about it on social media.