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Original poster

family inheritance - has gone to my mum but family agree it should pass to yonger generation but i have to 'ask' for it?

103 replies

Sailawaygirl · 12/03/2024 11:09

Sorry title probably isnt the best and i almost put this in AIBU however i'm not annoyed as yet, just a bit confused / not sure what others think and defo couldn't cope with the comments in AIBU !!
I am also very aware of COL and that lots of people don't get monetary support from family and up to this point neither have I in any large way ( my DM was kind enough to buy me my first car). My Dad has always said there is 'money for me for my .. first house, wedding, children ect... ' however all these milestones have passed so i have assumed that if there was any saved money it had to be used on something else (both parents retired early, all grandparents sadly passed so always assumed i would have no inheritance for now. I've not been brave enough to directly ask as i dont want to seem like a money grabbing daughter (only child)

Anyway..... a relative of DM very sadly and unexpectedly passed recently and unexpectantly also when family looked at the finances there was some money (pensions) as well of share of sale of house to come.

DM's and her family have agreed that any money should be passed to me and another relative of that same age as the DM and her siblings are all 'doing ok'. Very kind

The bit i am finding hard to navigate is that this money is mentioned and some of it is sitting in DMs bank accounts but it is implied that I have to ask her if I want it. For example I need some urgent house repairs - I just about have the savings for this but would completely wipe me out (i only have £3K in savings and im on mat leave and in over draft every month if i dont take out of savings).

DM has said she will pay for the house repairs from this money (very very helpful!!) but I feel annoyed that as a grown 35yr old i have to ask my DM and justify my self.

I know some of this is my own pride and concern about me being seen as spoiled only child but also a feeling that money will have to be used for 'sensible parent approved things' for example me and DH would love a big holiday and my parents were always 'savers' rather than holiday people. personally i would value the family experience of a nice holiday abroad vs camping in uk!!!

Parents are using capital gains tax as a reason for not transferring any of the money to me directly. I have asked them to pay child care fees directly when we get to this point.

Soo
how do I go about talking to them about this pot of money!! I know I need to zip up my big lady suit and have a conversation but when ever i talk about money with my DM or dad i feel like a small kid again.
Would you accept having to ask your parents for money for house repairs or big holiday?

OP posts:
yogpot · 12/03/2024 11:11

It’s not your money. So yes, you have to ask.

rubyslippers · 12/03/2024 11:11

It’s not been directly gifted / left in a will to you
so yes, you would have to ask
it isn’t your inheritance or you would have it

Loubelle70 · 12/03/2024 11:12

You dont...its their money..

Fourfurrymonsters · 12/03/2024 11:13

Of course you have to ask, it’s not your money. If I was your mum though, I’d be considering whether it’s sensible to give you money for a “big holiday” when your house needs urgent repairs, you’ve little savings and you’re in overdraft every month. Maybe she doesn’t see you as financially responsible…

Original poster
Sailawaygirl · 12/03/2024 11:14

yogpot · 12/03/2024 11:11

It’s not your money. So yes, you have to ask.

i know and it is easier psychologically to think its not mine but i have just had a conversation with DM where she said it was for me i just have to ask? im confused and it feels all money and power play?

OP posts:
Donthideyourlight · 12/03/2024 11:14

Just ask for it.

I know it must feel a bit infantalising, but as it's their money I think you need to just do it their way (or just not get the money)

RomeoMcFlourish · 12/03/2024 11:14

I think it’s quite sensible actually. Means you won’t fritter it away. Also, your mum is well within her rights to do this, it was left to her.

Yogatoga1 · 12/03/2024 11:16

they can gift you the money without CGT? iHT maybe, but only if they’re over the limit and die within 7 years of the gift.

i’d maybe have the conversation. Let them know that you don’t see it as your money, it’s in their possession and you have to ask their permission.

if they offer you’ll accept with gratitude, but you don’t feel comfortable asking them for money. So it’s up to them.

Reugny · 12/03/2024 11:18

The reason the you have to ask for it is so you spend it on things the deceased and their family decide are "worthy".

So house repairs, paying for any qualifications and your children's education are worthy. Going on a luxury holiday or getting a new car isn't.

Some people I know have got money from trusts set up by deceased grandparents to buy houses. They still have to work. While in a couple of cases they are doing the bare minimum there are some who are doing a hell of a lot.

pikkumyy77 · 12/03/2024 11:19

It IS a powerplay. You are the only child of some seemingly nice but actually awful people. They talked big about giving you money for the kinds of things people usually pay for (education, wedding, house) but never did. Now your mother wants the public credit and thanks for gifting you this lot of money but she doesn’t intend to actually do it.

wobytide · 12/03/2024 11:20

Just have the discussion. Could well be as others say that utilising the gifting allowance each year makes more sense than giving you a single lump. Or they may just be protecting their inheritance and what to know what their gift is being used for, maybe that was in their discussion between the family who chose to pass the money down

Twistyripple · 12/03/2024 11:21

Ughhh I have been in a similar situation to this and it's downright bloody degrading!
I am an adult that is financially independent and rather successful at managing my finances to make more money etc. I don't need my decision making process to be determined by someone else. I don't need my purchases to be vetted by someone else.
If your mum agrees the money is yours, ask for it once and go from there. Dribs and drabs of money that you must ask for and justify are just not worth it at all. Ask once and cut your losses if she doesn't agree/give it to you.
Being infantalised repeatedly is not going to help your relationship going forward.

Soontobe60 · 12/03/2024 11:25

Who made the decision that your dm would get this money? Was there a will? Who were the administrators!

Original poster
Sailawaygirl · 12/03/2024 11:32

Thank you for the replies so far.
There was no will so money automatically went to DM. With lots of " but they would have wanted you to have it".

I do get the worry about me being financially not secure but equally you make decisions based on how secure you feel atm. I've never had enough to invest ect and luxury atm for me is a coffee and cake and a sainsburys shop! But I'm thankful we can cover our bills ect. I think it's easy to critique most ppls spending from the outside especially when looking at holidays ect

OP posts:
GetWhatYouWant · 12/03/2024 11:34

If all the actual beneficiaries have decided that the whole estate is to be divided between you and another person, how about you suggest to your parents that a deed of variation of the Will is put in place with the effect that it would be as if you and the other person had been the actual Will beneficiaries. You would then get all the money. It isn't complicated( well it wasn't in my family's case, solicitor drafted it and all original beneficiaries signed to give up their share so another person would benefit).
It does seem as if it's a control issue, if you have to ask it means your parents can say no to things they don't seem suitable. Do you have any history of being irresponsible with money?

TheShellBeach · 12/03/2024 11:34

They may not have cut those apron strings, OP.

They may just think it's okay for you to be in this difficult position.

I think they want you to ask, but surely won't begrudge what you spend the money on.

shiningstar2 · 12/03/2024 11:35

It's not your money and it's generous of your mother to say that she is keeping; t for your use. I think the problem is that in your mind you are seeing it in the same way as a direct inheritance passed down to you from the deceased relative and it isn't that. If your mother says you just have to ask I would come up with some very good reasons why a holiday would be a good way to use some of the money. Good for you and your family for various reasons she might agree with. Look up some holiday ideas first. Don't be too extravagant, showing her the great once in a life time thing you would do if the money has been directly passed to you. It wasn't and that's that. You would look grabby if you asked for the whole pot up front. But she has said it's for you so don't be afraid to make reasonable requests out of it. If she is a very cautious saver type you will need to be persuasive about the holiday but I would tell her, amongst other things that it would be many years before you could do it on your own and it would be wonderful experience for dgc. Unfortunately the money is not yours in the same way as a direct inheritance and I think you will need to adjust your mind set away from thinking about it in that way. If you can do that you will get far more enjoyment and appreciation from what does come your way. 💐

GetWhatYouWant · 12/03/2024 11:35

GetWhatYouWant · 12/03/2024 11:34

If all the actual beneficiaries have decided that the whole estate is to be divided between you and another person, how about you suggest to your parents that a deed of variation of the Will is put in place with the effect that it would be as if you and the other person had been the actual Will beneficiaries. You would then get all the money. It isn't complicated( well it wasn't in my family's case, solicitor drafted it and all original beneficiaries signed to give up their share so another person would benefit).
It does seem as if it's a control issue, if you have to ask it means your parents can say no to things they don't seem suitable. Do you have any history of being irresponsible with money?

Sorry ignore this as I've just seen there was no Will.

Beenalongwinter · 12/03/2024 11:36

Deed of variation in the way forward. This will remove the problem of inheritance tax but I suspect like many parents they don't wish to relinquish control
Of the money.

TheShellBeach · 12/03/2024 11:36

Sailawaygirl · 12/03/2024 11:32

Thank you for the replies so far.
There was no will so money automatically went to DM. With lots of " but they would have wanted you to have it".

I do get the worry about me being financially not secure but equally you make decisions based on how secure you feel atm. I've never had enough to invest ect and luxury atm for me is a coffee and cake and a sainsburys shop! But I'm thankful we can cover our bills ect. I think it's easy to critique most ppls spending from the outside especially when looking at holidays ect

Agreed.

Many people don't understand the concept of just having enough money, and no more. Nothing extra for having an expensive holiday, for example.

FairyBatman · 12/03/2024 11:37

If your DM has said that it’s for you I would tell her that you want to invest some of it and use some of it for repairs of whatever and ask her to transfer it.

If nothing else it will force the conversation to happen and put the onus on her to say no.

MikeRafone · 12/03/2024 11:39

DM has said she will pay for the house repairs from this money (very very helpful!!) but I feel annoyed that as a grown 35yr old i have to ask my DM and justify my self.

Then look at other options of finding the money?

Soontobe60 · 12/03/2024 11:41

Tbh, this sounds odd. If someone dies without a will and there are pensions plus a property to sell, letters of administration have to be applied for in order to be able to distribute the estate. Then the funds have to be distributed according to the rules of intestacy.

Octavia64 · 12/03/2024 11:43

Maybe I'm missing something but I don't see why CGT would stop her giving you money.

It applies to selling assets like houses and shares.

Regardless, I also would not like to ask. I think I would put in my big girls pants and suck it up and ask for the house repairs.

If she wanted to give it to you she would have given it to you. She prefers to have the money and the control.

beachcitygirl · 12/03/2024 11:50

Twistyripple · 12/03/2024 11:21

Ughhh I have been in a similar situation to this and it's downright bloody degrading!
I am an adult that is financially independent and rather successful at managing my finances to make more money etc. I don't need my decision making process to be determined by someone else. I don't need my purchases to be vetted by someone else.
If your mum agrees the money is yours, ask for it once and go from there. Dribs and drabs of money that you must ask for and justify are just not worth it at all. Ask once and cut your losses if she doesn't agree/give it to you.
Being infantalised repeatedly is not going to help your relationship going forward.

This. With bells on.