Inheritance guilt

[Owlmum]

Long story short my Grandfather passed away last year, I’ve been closest to him my whole life. He has other grandchildren but it’s always been me and him. Unfortunately he was always falling out with various family members over the years so had a troubled relationship with most of the family. Generally it was only me that visited and looked after him. Sadly he passed away last year and the will has divided the family. He changed his will unbeknown to any of us 6 years ago to leave me the majority share and his children a very small amount each. Understandably this has caused alot of upset and bad feeling as it’s felt that the previous will which was written over 30 years ago should have still been in place. The old will saw his children each receiving an equal share. Im now being pressured into making the “right” decision and one aunt even came out and said im sure you will see us all right. I now see the money which would be life changing for me as a curse and something I shouldn’t be accepting. It’s even causing upset with his ashes as the family refuse to put his ashes in with my grandmother as she’d be apparently turning in her grave at what he’s done.
AIBU if I don’t share my share

I'd like to ask whether all those who are saying 'fuck em, keep the money' and there are a lot of you, whether you'd be so gung ho if your equal share in a will had been given to one of your sibling's kids instead of you.

But they don't have an equal share in the will. That no longer exists as of several years ago.

It's that kind of thinking of 'what is rightfully MINE is being TAKEN from me' whereas it wasn't actually yours.

I dont want to make a rushed desicion but 2 have been chasing how long their share will take since the day he passed...

This tells me everything I need to know about those people. They have no interest in your GF or his wishes they just want his money.
Think long and hard about what YOU want to do, don't be pressured into making a decision.

Sorry for your loss 💐

Your GF specifically changed his will so whoever is the executor should distribute the estate according to the terms of the will.

Once you have the money it's yours to do whatever you like with. If you want to give some of it to other relatives you can. Check the tax implications though.

It is a legal document stating how the deceased wanted his estate divided out upon death.

OP can do a deed of variation but it will cost to do so, and it is against the deceased wishes.

Whilst I appreciate the deceased is no longer here to be pissed off by this move there was a reason, if only known to them, why they wrote the will in such a way.

Your share of your GF estate will come to you as that was his wish. The executors of the estate have to carry out his wishes as the will. You can then do what you wish with the money but there may be tax implications for you and your estate if you gift large sums. If you have dependants of your own I would be hesitant to gift away large sums. Benificiaries dont get to change how funds/asset are distributed.

Sorry for your loss.

Listen, money does funny things to people. But you keep it. He wanted you to have it so follow his wishes.

They'll not be happy but tough shit.

Also, ask yourself if just one of the others had been left the money, would they be divvying it up?

This is probably the situation I will find myself in. I’ve already been told by my step-mum that I don’t stand to inherit equally from her and my dad as my half-siblings will. I don’t know if that means a small gift out of the estate or nothing at all and everything going to my siblings. As my siblings start to have kids, some of that is going to directly to them instead of me. It’s my dad and step mum’s choice what they do with their money. I hope I’m not a selfish arse enough to pressure my nieces and nephews into giving me money that was never mine but you never know until you’re in that position I guess.

I don’t live near my family but if my grandma wanted to leave more money to my cousin who goes to help her a lot, that’s her choice. I call but it’s not the same as my cousin who takes her to the shop, takes her to the doctors, puts the bins out for her, helps clear out her stuff and take it to the charity shops. They do a lot, lot more than I do. They also do more than my siblings and other cousins that are closer than I am. What isn’t OK is if my cousin expected more because of the extra time they’ve put in and pressured my grandma to change her will (I’m not saying OP did this, just giving another side of where an entitled attitude might cause problems). Anyone should be able to choose what happens with their money, for some people those gifts come with conditions whilst they were alive and some don’t. Either way, it’s still their wish. Inheritance isn’t a right just because you’re related.

You say OP should keep some for herself but that isn’t going to appease the other relatives, who want a 25% of the whole estate. One of these relatives is her own parent, although we don’t know how much they are pressuring OP. So yes the grandfather might have inflicted this pain on his children (who weren’t involved in his life) but OP’s parent is inflicting this pain on them. Even just by not telling their siblings to leave OP alone and this was their parent’s wish. Why can’t she just choose to use her grandfather’s money to step away from all the nastiness of her family because it’s obviously not just restricted to one generation?

Would anyone buy their kids vastly different Christmas presents? Giving one kid a fiver, whilst another got thousands spent on them?

inheritance is no different. Equality matters.

Whatever you do my guess is it is very unlikely that it will make them happy.

This is the most important thing to remember.

If your motivation is to make them happy and get them off your back and have harmonious relations in the future I would think carefully about whether given their history this will achieve it.

This.
Don't burden yourself further OP.

I'd like to ask whether all those who are saying 'fuck em, keep the money' and there are a lot of you, whether you'd be so gung ho if your equal share in a will had been given to one of your sibling's kids instead of you. I find it very hard to believe that that 'fuck em' attitude would still be in place

DM gave DB a substantial chunk of money to buy a house on the understanding he'd care for her in old age (six figures). Her will (according to what she told me) was split between me and other DB. Turned out it wasn't, and first DB came in for another wedge on top of what he'd already had. Nothing I could do - her will was the official expression of her wishes, not what she'd said to me a few weeks earlier.

Was I pissed off? yes. Was it her money to do with as she wanted? yes. Similar with the OP's DGF. Once he inherited it became his money to dispose of as he wanted.

Would you do that to any children you have @MrsDanversGlidesAgain?

I understand that it’s up to the person making the will to determine how they want to allocate the money but I can’t imagine leaving my children vastly different sums of money (unless one of them was involved in criminality).

Academic, I don't have children. Theoretically, it would have to be something extreme, like the DC is an addict or a gambler. But then, we're not talking about me and what I'd do.

Incidentally, I've seen advice that if you are going to leave someone out of a will, add a letter that explains that you have and that they aren't going to benefit. It makes it harder for them to try and contest it, apparently.

Leaving DC different sums of money was exactly what DM did, however. DB's amount from DM for the house and in her will was the same as what other DB and I inherited in total.

Yes it is different. And I spend different amounts on my 3-month-old vs my 12 year old actually.

And this is a specific will about these specific people and their specific circumstances, not my actual kids so that's a really odd comparison.

inheritance is no different. Equality matters

No it doesn't. There are no inheritance 'rules' that you have to treat your family equally.

Op, do not let them rush you. You can, if you wish, give them the share which your grandfather left them, and then take your time to decide if, and it’s a big if, you want to give them anything else.
Thing is, would they be sharing equally if they were the person who was left the majority share? Think on that.

If you do make any variation (and as I said before I am more in the split it in half and think about grandmother half/ grandfather half) then I would make it clear that any distribution would be after his ashes were buried with his wife and contingent upon that happening. You have a strong hand here and I would use it.

If you do make a variation to the will then if you are likely to still need benefits after the will is settled then you would need to be careful that it is not seen as deprivation of assets if you give some of the inheritance away.

I'd like to ask whether all those who are saying 'fuck em, keep the money' and there are a lot of you, whether you'd be so gung ho if your equal share in a will had been given to one of your sibling's kids instead of you. I find it very hard to believe that that 'fuck em' attitude would still be in place.

I genuinely don't think I'd be expecting to inherit if my relationship with the deceased had disintegrated to the point I hadn't seen them in 8 years. Certainly wouldn't challenge a will if I hadn't been included under those circumstances.

This is the thing, you don't keep in touch with anyone yet expect something to be left to you (especially money) in a will (like my grandad with his brother) then that should not be a reason to expect a bequest in a will.

My DM was apparently her uncle's favourite niece. Her uncle wanted to adopt her at one point, he was married twice but couldn't/didn't have children so she was like a daughter to him. She also visited him (from London to Cornwall and before that London to Henley on Thames), wrote to him, rang him etc and befriended him. His brother rarely did that, although they spoke. My DM did this on top of being a single mum and caring for a sick child.

So people who don't care about/see their relatives shouldn't whine if the relatives decide not to leave them anything. A lot of the older generation see it as 'their right' to inherit, regardless of what they've done/relationship.

My nephew lives in Australia. I haven't seen him for a decade (haven't been able to visit due to pandemic, money etc). He's a nice enough bloke but neither of us feel the need to be in contact. Our relationship hasn't deteriorated, there just isn't one due to distance and me having seen him about ten times in his life. I doubt he expects to be included in my will and I haven't decided if he will be.

?@MrsDanversGlidesAgain That's not the situation here though? OP has said her family had fallen out with her dad and that's why there was no contact.

I wonder what the grandmother's view would have been had she known that her dc were going to abandoned her widowed husband when he got old. We don't know what she would have wanted done with her share of the family home 25 years ago and certainly no-one knows what her view would have been if she could have seen into the future. I think its best to honour your grandfather's wishes.

Half to you and the other half split between his other children and grandchildren. Simple.

You can while you're alive.