Inheritance guilt

[Owlmum]

Long story short my Grandfather passed away last year, I’ve been closest to him my whole life. He has other grandchildren but it’s always been me and him. Unfortunately he was always falling out with various family members over the years so had a troubled relationship with most of the family. Generally it was only me that visited and looked after him. Sadly he passed away last year and the will has divided the family. He changed his will unbeknown to any of us 6 years ago to leave me the majority share and his children a very small amount each. Understandably this has caused alot of upset and bad feeling as it’s felt that the previous will which was written over 30 years ago should have still been in place. The old will saw his children each receiving an equal share. Im now being pressured into making the “right” decision and one aunt even came out and said im sure you will see us all right. I now see the money which would be life changing for me as a curse and something I shouldn’t be accepting. It’s even causing upset with his ashes as the family refuse to put his ashes in with my grandmother as she’d be apparently turning in her grave at what he’s done.
AIBU if I don’t share my share

I would do this assuming that your grandmother would have gone for a more equal split. So say that your grandfather has given you half and the remainder to be split between three children then the grandmother half would be split three ways, so they got a third of 'her' half. Then his half you would get half (so a quarter of the original) and the remaining half split again between his children.

I do think though that parents should be considering their own children first and if he was quite challenging then they might not have had the happiest childhood. I do not always think that his wishes should be followed in the entirety.

That was more normal a long time ago and her contribution was probably raising the children. I would still see it as a family property and he probably could only have earned the money because she did all the childcare.

Sorry for your loss OP. Thats a very difficult place for you to be, especially if there is a sense of entitlement from your aunts and uncles.
Is it a life changing amount?
I think if you keep it all, as you are perfectly entitled to, it will change your relationships with extended family.
If you split it they likely still won't be happy.
Dont do anything in haste, think on it as long as you need.

Do not be pressured and honour his wishes. Hate family that do this.

Your only loyalty here is to what your dgf wanted. Not the leeches.

The only person it has to be right for is your late Grandfather. It was his money and he decided to leave most of it to you. His children weren't interested enough in him to visit regularly while he was alive so how dare they tell you what to do with his money and go against their father's wishes and instructions. Keep the money and enjoy the life your Grandfather intended for you.

I agree with others that suggest splitting the grandmother's half and keeping the other half.

Yes it was 25 years ago she died but if I died now and my DH died in 25 years - it would still be unfair on me to cut our children out of his will and favour one grandchild.

As someone else said, presumably she did childcare and housekeeping duties. They were a couple, raising children together. Half the money should be hers and left to her children, not you. It wasn't fair of him to decide not to leave her half to her children.

If he wants to cut his offspring out of his half then that's up to him, you should definitely keep that half.

But keeping her half is unfair on her and her kids.

I’d do what the pp suggested and split the money. While your GF left the majority share it sounds like he was quite a cantankerous person and his family may have had good reasons for distancing themselves from him. I think most people would want their children to have an equal share of their estate, and for their children to pass that inheritance on if they so choose - it sounds very much as if that’s what your GM would have wanted. I’d rather divide the money then split the family irreconcilably (unless they are vile people obviously, but you don’t indicate they are in your posts)

OP

PLEASE respect and honour your grandfather's Will.

He was of sound mind, he rightly felt you cared about hi, it was his money, his choice.

Do not get pressured/etc. You can tell them politely, this if what granddad wanted and he would not be happy if I gave money to people he had decided not to leave it to.

You've done nothing wrong. The family will come round, if not it is their choice.

To me, your grandfather sounds like a very astute man who took no prisoners.

Sorry about your loss.

But keeping her half is unfair on her and her kids.

No, she didn't have half, he did! Honestly, what are people not getting about this? It was HIS money to do with as he wished.

How close are you to the family that's been disinherited? You say he was falling out with everyone all the time- was this because he wasn't a pleasant man to be around? You stuck with him and he wanted to recognise that. When most of his other relationships and family didn't. I would be doing what he wanted, but understand that comes at the cost of family. Depends how important that is. Also depends on how much they are expecting you to give up......and would they do the same?

Its not a curse,or a burden.Your Grandfather wanted YOU to have the money.You have no legal demands to 'see people right'.Do not feel guilty,or feel you have to share what's rightfully yours.

Whilst I mainly think you'd be reasonable to just stick with your grandfather's wishes, the above is not a reasonable refutation of the idea of sharing out your grandmother's "share" - if 26 years ago they had divorced (presumably that would never havr happened) then she would have been entitled to half the house regardless of it being in your grandfather's name. It is a fundamental assumption that assets held by a married couple are generally shared assets.

You could get mathematical about it, work out what the value of the house was 25 years ago, take half that sum and adjust it for 25 years of inflation, and that could be the amount shared out. You would still have the majority and would have a rational basis for the decision of what to share.

But if this was happening in my family I would respect your decision if you opted to stick to the wishes expressed in the valid will.

You're right there

Whatever you decide to do, someone will complain about it

It will never be enough for some people, regardless of the wishes of the deceased

There is a major reason. The grandfather's wishes. Its not called a Will for nothing. It is passed according to what he willed which is another term for wished.

We are not a close family. The 4 siblings have been falling out and making up again ever since I was small. My grandfather often got involved in the squabbles and so also fell out with 2 of them frequently. None of them are horrible people they are just all as bad as each other with the petty arguments but are all very much alike and stubborn. 2 of the siblings had not seen him for 8-10 years, 1 only at birthday and Christmas and the last was slowly starting to build bridges in the last year or so.
I hadn’t considered looking at it as half my GF and half my GM money and to split her half so thank you to those who put that as an option.
I dont want to make a rushed desicion but 2 have been chasing how long their share will take since the day he passed so I do need to get it sorted sooner

It was never the grandmother's to leave.

She may have been entitled to a share on divorce but in life and on death she never owned part of it so it never would have formed part of her estate. HTH.

I wonder why she wasn’t named on the deeds? Presumably she worked hard for the family raising four children and dealing with the domestic side of things, so hopefully he saw her as an equal in the financial side of the marriage.

It was never the grandmother's to leave. She may have been entitled to a share on divorce but in life and on death she never owned part of it so it never would have formed part of her estate. HTH

Not really. It has no bearing on what's a moral, not a legal, quandary for the op. So her name not being on the actual house deeds is totally irrelevant. HTH.

I very much agree with those suggesting to honour your grandmother’s, as well as your grandfather’s wishes. There is no reason for historic misogyny to be carried down the line.

He left the money to you because he wanted you to have it. Now there’s money involved they are all coming out of the woodwork wanting their ‘share’. Fuck em! It’s your money you keep it. They are reaping what they sowed.
I would NOT be splitting half the money as others suggested, it goes completely against your darling grandfathers wishes. How would he feel if he knew you were contemplating this? He’s left them some provision, that’s all he thought they were worth. Keep your money.

I also agree with many posters. Split it two ways, half for yourself from your Grandad, half for the others that come from your Grandmother, and then let it be done. You will be able to move on, you have been fair, and some would say more than fair. Never see them again. I am sorry for the loss of your Grandad, he obviously cared a lot for you to change his will, and this wrangling over money cannot feel nice xxx

I agree about splitting gm’s share and honouring gf’s wishes with his half.

Your GF left it to you. As he did this and was of sound mind etc, I think you should honour that.
I'd keep it that way, whatever part of your share you give to them it won't be enough. There will still be all the bad feeling, and they'll likely never speak to you again anyway.

Well I certainly wouldn’t be giving anything to the two that hadn’t seen him in 8-10 years nor the one who didn’t bother to visit apart from twice a year. I’d do right by your grandfather and keep the inheritance he intended you to have.

You were closed to your grandfather, follow his wishes and keep the money he gave you for yourself. He changed his will 6 years ago, so not like a rash decisions on his death bed, he had time to amended it gain, he obviously did not want to.

If you are considering listening to those saying give half, your grandmothers half, first see how much her estate was that she left to your grandfather before just giving half away. As you said they didn’t have much savings when she died, so her estate might not have been worth much.