Inheritance guilt

[Owlmum]

Long story short my Grandfather passed away last year, I’ve been closest to him my whole life. He has other grandchildren but it’s always been me and him. Unfortunately he was always falling out with various family members over the years so had a troubled relationship with most of the family. Generally it was only me that visited and looked after him. Sadly he passed away last year and the will has divided the family. He changed his will unbeknown to any of us 6 years ago to leave me the majority share and his children a very small amount each. Understandably this has caused alot of upset and bad feeling as it’s felt that the previous will which was written over 30 years ago should have still been in place. The old will saw his children each receiving an equal share. Im now being pressured into making the “right” decision and one aunt even came out and said im sure you will see us all right. I now see the money which would be life changing for me as a curse and something I shouldn’t be accepting. It’s even causing upset with his ashes as the family refuse to put his ashes in with my grandmother as she’d be apparently turning in her grave at what he’s done.
AIBU if I don’t share my share

Take a small share and give to your parent (the one who was a child of the grandfather) and tell them to share it. I doubt they will when it's on them to do so!

Regarding the relative pushing for 'their share', I would send them a copy of the will and ask them to point out what they mean?

They sound awful, and barely visited your grandfather. THAT is why he left everything to you. They are trying to bully you. If I was in your shoes, they would get nothing. Reverse that's exactly what your grandfather wanted, and he went out of his way to make sure you got most of it.

I would probably share some of it. It seems elderly change wills in the last years of life, but those 6 years don’t constitute a family lifetime.

I think he likely played more of a role in disagreements than you’re letting on, but you got on with him and could see it differently.

If my husband did this to my children, even if they had been unhelpful; then it would upset me.

Some children live in other countries and don’t see parents for plenty of years but would still be counted. This is probably an additional slap in the face for them in regards to how they feel treated in the family.

So it doesn’t have to be equal, but a nominal attempt at reparations would probably help all.

Your grandfather went out of his way to change his will to give you the majority of his money and doing something like that speaks volumes about how much you meant to him and his relationships with the other family members. As for the family members who are constantly chasing you they sound really rude and grabby! I would take your time and really consider not changing what your grandfather wanted because thats all that should matter. You may piss a few people off but what are you really missing out on if your family isnt close anyway? I would be honouring his wishes for you to have that money.

I think split it equally. The fact your Grandad fell out with a lot of them may suggest that it was him that was more of the issue than them.

Assuming the grandmother not being on the deeds is just a sign of the times and nothing more sinister, then surely the grandmother would be turning in her grave that all of her children had stopped speaking to their father. With two not seeing him for 10 years, one seeing him twice a year and one only just starting to connect. Then as a final insult, holding his ashes ransom with this emotional manipulation.

There is an argument to sharing grandmothers half because it wouldn’t have been usual to put the deeds in the wife’s name, let alone have tenants in common to protect the wife’s assets on her death. But sharing the grandmother’s share isn’t actually going to satisfy the the family. They see it as they are entitled to a 25% share of the total estate, not 25% of 50% of the house. They are disregarding the will, a will which was made when your grandfather was of sound mind and had very solid reasoning for his decisions. I think doing this just opens OP up for more badgering from relatives about when they will get the rest of it. There’s no reasoning with people who see inheritance as their right.

I also have a feeling that one of the relatives asking when they’re going to get their share but not seen the grandfather in 10 years is possibly OP’s parents. It would be hard to cut aunts and uncles out but if they were holding my grandfather’s ashes ransom after not being included in his will I’d find it significantly easier to go no contact with them. Especially, if as OP said, it’s not a close family. It’s a lot harder to just cut them out if it’s your parents though. OP, what is your relationship with your parents like generally? Do you want to keep that relationship going and if so, are they going to be happy with anything other than their 25% share and taking everything from you?

Assuming the grandmother not being on the deeds is just a sign of the times and nothing more sinister

I wasn't on the deeds of our house (married 1980, DH bought the place before we met). I still got half of the equity when we divorced. MN seems to find 'being on the deeds' as some magical mantra that secures your rights.

it requires acceptance that he had the eight to overrule his deceased wife's wishes, on the assumption that as is traditional she left all her assets to him on the understanding that they would be divided between her offspring when he passed on

It doesn't matter what her 'understanding' was, because that has no legal force. Once the money has been left it's the recipient's business as to what happens to it - whether they stash it under the bed, leave it to the DC or fly down to Monte Carlo and stick it all on red in one of the casinos. If we start interpreting wills on your basis then we might as well not bother having a system of inheritance and just have a free for all based on what someone dead a couple of decades wanted to happen.

If it were me, I would draw up a deed of variation and share the inheritance with my aunts and uncles, as they had been expecting. I wouldn't want to be the cause of a family upset.

OP - what sort of husband and father was your GF to his wife and family? Often people mellow in their old age and have a different relationship with the grandchildren than they do with their own children who have had a difficult childhood as a result of their parents’s behaviour. They may be feeling a lot of resentment as a result which can result in families falling out.

I would contact all of them and explain clearly but kindly that you understand there is a lot of upset as a result of grandfather's will. But that you would like them all to appreciate that the issue of where to place grandfather's ashes is separate from the will. That you hope everyone can clearly acknowledge that both grandmother and grandfather wanted their ashes placed together, and the correct thing to do now would be to commit grandfather's ashes into grandmother's grave. If needs be, you could add that you will not engage in any further discussion of the will until the issue of his ashes have been dealt with.

Then, after that, I would honour the terms of the will, which is a legal document made when your grandfather was of sound mind. Take any other emotion out of it, because it is not your will, not the terms you set. Assume that this will come at the cost of a relationship with any of the other relatives. But from what you say this may be a blessing in disguise.

How does it sit with you to be inheriting it all? How would you feel if the boot was on the other foot and you had been effectively disinherited? In France, it's illegal to do anything other than give the next generation down an equal share between however many children there are. AFAIK, grandchildren have to wait for their own parents to pop off. If it's good for France, it ought to be good for Britain as well. Inheritance causes so many issues and this way of managing it does seem to nip the aggro in the bud. If you can live with yourself having it all, crack on. I suspect the fact that you are asking for the advice of others means it doesn't rest easy with you. I'm a big believer in not executing the revenge/ill feelings of another, but others see £££ signs when wills are concerned and are happy to stick blinkers on.

That's a bloody stupid rule in France. You should be able to gift what you want to anyone you want.

I’d say keep the money.

Split half the house- if they give you the ashes.

They still won’t be happy though. They’ll want it split equally or they’ll want the entire thing. Which is very generous as you don’t have a relationship with these people.

^ This

It's very clear what your grandfather wanted.
It's up to you whether you feel you should do what he wanted, or something that he didn't want. The family need to realise what they are asking - that they are asking you to go against the deceased's wishes.

I realise it's an awful situation, but it's quite gross really that they see ££ over doing what was intended.
I'd probably give them a token amount depending on how much it is. Maybe give them a one-off amount to share between them and that'll turn their attentions to how to share it out, and they'll end up fighting among themselves instead of with you.

Offer them an item from his house.
Or ask them straight: "how much do you want (cheeky grabby fucker)"?

But, seriously, keep it all. Move on and leave these people behind.

Wills are legal documents and should be followed.

it’s someone’s last wishes.

if you give them money it is not them getting their inheritance, it is you giving them your money.

i have a relative who thought their dad would have wanted them to benefit rather than the person named in the will, so just kept all the money (they were executor).

it is fraud and if it can be proved - which I don’t think it can as only the executor has the right to see the deceased accounts- it will be a prison sentence.

if they genuinely believe the will does not reflect your grandad’s wishes and the previous will should stand, they need to apply to probate court to get the will invalidated.

if it’s life changing I’d take the money and let them try and take it legally. Or is keeping in contact with them mean more than the money?

If your Grandfather hadn't changed the will and it was still shared equally between his children, do you think they would have donated some of their share to you because you were the one visiting him and looking after him? Of course they wouldn't... Fuck them, keep the money that your Grandad wanted you to have.

I'd like to ask whether all those who are saying 'fuck em, keep the money' and there are a lot of you, whether you'd be so gung ho if your equal share in a will had been given to one of your sibling's kids instead of you. I find it very hard to believe that that 'fuck em' attitude would still be in place.

To the OP, if he was always falling out with other family members, was the issue with the other family members or was it with him? I'm still advocating for equal shares to the children. Keep some for yourself and share the rest equally, as someone else has said with a deed of variation. It's not worth the trouble. People commenting to the contrary are assuming they, like you, will be the ones getting the money. When the boot is on the other foot, it hurts like hell to know that a parent could be so nasty. Why execute such nastiness?

OP I think you need to think of yourself here; not just in terms of how much the money could do for you but also in terms of the family you might lose through not sharing some of this money out.

It's a really difficult situation and it all depends whether you want to keep these people in your life or not.

Think carefully. Ultimately will they be happy with anything less than a quarter each? If not, then there may be no value in offering them anything.
Or is it worth offering them X amount each as a peace offering - potentially as someone else suggested, splitting your grandmother's theoretical half - which might lead to a year or so of sulking but ultimately your relationship could survive.

This isn't your burden OP. Maybe of his family had been kinder the will wouldnt have been changed to the extreme that it has.

Wills being out the best in people I've found..... This is where you see true colours.

She said there was ongoing arguments with family members, a will is not an automatic right to I heritence and the fact GP changed it 6yrs ago, not 6weeks is very telling

Wills being out the best in people I've found..... This is where you see true colours.

Yes, OP is learning that some of her family value money more than they do her feelings.