Partner has walked out, how do I stand? Cohabiting

[bella140708]

I’m currently living with an ex partner who has basically walked out on myself and our 8 month old baby.
He is very narcissistic/suffers with addiction and controls everything. I’ve been living with him for five years.
He owns quite a successful company and owns the car, house we live in (asset of his company, all paid outright), he pays my wages and pays all the bills.
He is self employed so just takes dividends from the company, so on paper he looks like he is on minimum wage and threatening me that I’ll only get the minimum amount from CSA. Also how do I stand with the house etc. He’s leaving me with nothing, I’m basically homeless.
Can anyone shed any light or give me some advice please as I’m desperate
Thank you

I doubt there is any documentation that OP does or ever did work for the company.

Is this right? Dividends are still income, CMS don’t just take salary/drawings into account in my experience.

Please, please all women STOP having babies with men you aren’t married to. It leaves you so vulnerable and women seem to be oblivious to the risks.

no marriage, no baby. Get firm, ladies!

Either that or don't put your career on the back burner and always ensure you are financially independent rather than reliant on a man's income.
Tbh I think that's what we should be teaching our daughters rather than put a ring on it.

I'd settle for, make decisions with your eyes open. Understand the pros and cons and risks of different family and work setups, and understand also that relying on someone else for money and housing is a big risk, even when you're married. When the chips are down, we need to be prepared to rely on ourselves.

Not really, if op owned the house he wouldn't be able to claim it either

I think the worst kind of relationship to be in is a long term one where the man won’t marry and the woman contributes but has no claim . I don’t think much of men in these situations .

I don't think much of women who put themselves in that position either. Nobody is forced to do so.

I don’t think they put themselves in that situation exactly . The man clearly doesn’t care about them enough to marry them or false promises are made . The woman is in the vulnerable position . I don’t see how you can’t have empathy for the woman in this situation ? It’s mostly luck ( or lack of )that they met a shit of a bloke . It doesn’t make you a better person to be married.

I don’t think they put themselves in that situation exactly

It's not like you can be unaware that 1) you aren't married 2) you are living in a property that doesn't belong to you 3) you have scaled back your work or given it up. Yes, unplanned pregnancies happen, but women do have choices about what they do and the relationships they stay in and reproduce in. It does them no favours to act like they don't have any agency and just have to put up with whatever they're given, as though babies, partners and jobs were somehow government assigned.

BUT , most people get into relationships for other factors such as love . I am not stupid but only really found out in the past few years the legal financial implications of marriage. Some find out upon divorce . My point is we can’t just point the finger at the women . The men in these situations are real shits .

Married women scale back work and still find themselves fucked also and have to claim uc, even if they have the house or equity . Marriage isn’t the answer to it all . You can’t be unaware you might get divorced when you get married so why would women work part time or be a stay at home mum ? You wouldn’t judge these married women so harshly I expect.

And grown-ups recognise that love is great, but sometimes it isn't enough. Are you genuinely suggesting that women are helpless to choose to end a relationship or change the terms of it, because loooooooove?

I think, and indeed have posted upthread, that married women who SAH for any length of time also take a significant risk. But at least in that scenario there is some financial recognition and recompense of their role if the relationship ends, not to mention a massive smoothing of affairs should their spouse die intestate, which most people do. Assets can't be wholly hived off and there is a mechanism to attempt to provide effectively for the needs of any children.

No , I’m pointing out you are being far too judgemental to women in this situation and you are overlooking the part the male plays. Lots of married women marry for loooooove and then end up claiming benefits /in a shit state when it all ends . Why have 2,3,4 kids when they know it could end ?

Marriage is ultimately about love , the financial tie is ultimately to look after one and other and the children . It’s good and well to marry if you have a child, but It does not guarantee life long success.

Sure , you can berate someone for not getting married if they have a child as they will probably be better off than if they weren’t( not always ) . But there’s reasons why someone gets into a situation and it’s good to have empathy .

Anyway , to OP- I’m sorry you are in this position . You can present as homeless at the council . You can also look into a benefits you may be eligible for. I hope you can move on and have a decent fresh start for you and your little one.

Couldn't he just change the locks when she's at Asda?

When the chips are down, we need to be prepared to rely on ourselves

@DreadPirateRobots are you my great grandmother, come back from the dead? 😂

My great grandmother was a phenomenal woman, with the most terrible taste in men.
She married 3 of the most useless men ever to live.
Anyway, one benefit that did come out of it was her wisdom that she passed to her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren - never, ever, ever rely on anyone else financially. Ever.

She also had some great views about marriage.

I miss her

What makes you think I don't have empathy for women in this situation? But I don't have a Morality Ray that will render all men decent, and nor does anyone else, so the only thing that can improve the situation for women is for women to change the decisions they make, and for all people in general not to rely on a relationship for their financial survival.

I received a free hour of legal advice a couple of years ago. It enabled me to clarify what I needed to do moving forwards, and in fact as a direct result of the advice I was given, I employed the solicitor for additional works, which I obviously paid for.
It’s not ‘mythical’.
https://www.law.ac.uk/about/legal-advice-for-the-public/
https://www.clough-willis.co.uk/personal-law-services/free-law-appointments

No you have zero rights. I do wish women would check out their rights before having children. My friends partner of 15 years died without a will. His legal next of kin his sister chucked her out, sold the house and she had nothing. She had to start all over again at 50. She thought she had rights as a common law wife.
In this day and age women cannot afford to be so naive.

Taken responsibility or got lucky their partners went down on one knee ? A lot of the time it’s just luck . Men want to marry you or they don’t . You can only really walk if they don’t.OPs partner is a shit and it should be taught at school what marriage really means for a woman

This is so ridiculously patronising.

Not all little women wait barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, crossing their fingers that their man will propose marriage and save them.

Some of us choose to be financially independent with our own solid careers and ability to take care of ourselves and our children. Wild, I know.

No it’s not , you’ve completely missed my point and what I think . The point I’m making is we shouldn’t judge women who do not get married as a lot of the time it is not their fault. They go into a relationship with good intentions . Personally I think all women should be financially independent, married or not . I don’t think getting married makes someone a better person either.

The point I’m making is we shouldn’t judge women who do not get married as a lot of the time it is not their fault

An unmarried women has choices.
Being unmarried, having children, living in a house you don't own, giving up a career or job and being dependent on someone else for your income - these are all choices. Which don't work out well for a lot of people.

Fault is a loaded word. But essentially, if you make all of these choices then yes, the outcome is also your responsibility.

Yes , but what about married peoples choices ? People make the choice to get married knowing they have a chance of divorce , why have 2,3,4 kids that you likely can’t support on your own ? Most end up on benefits of some kind . Marriage isn’t the answer to it all and unmarried mothers get judged the most harshly. This is unfair.

Many women don't seem to think they're worth more, or they struggle with being assertive, because they think it makes them sound bossy or entitled or like a harridan. I assume most of them grew up with very poor role models.

@bella140708 Can you move in with your parents?