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Original poster

Dh not happy but I’m torn over what to do

133 replies

Chowmain · 18/02/2024 20:10

Hi,

my parents (both early 70’s) have had a tricky time over the last few years financially. They own their house outright but had to use all of their savings about 5 months ago to pay for a private medical procedure. Dad had waited 2 years but the situation became unbearable. He had the procedure in October and is now a totally different person.

they’ve got a problem with their roof that isn’t covered by their house insurance. It will cost 6k to fix. They don’t have that money right now.

I have a 0% credit card money transfer offer. I’d like to take this offer and then transfer the money to them. They can afford to pay £500 a month which will clear the balance in a year, with no interest. I’m happy to do this, but dh doesn’t want me to.

I know that lending money isn’t advised, and I know that I’ll be liable for the debt, however I have 100% faith that they will pay and we will also put something in writing. I also think that we need to remember all of the support they have given us over the years- house deposit, free childcare etc

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Twinkletwinklelil · 19/02/2024 04:06

Britpop123 · 18/02/2024 22:20

You’d lend to your parents but not your husbands. If you objected you’d expect him to respect that but you wouldn’t respect his objection? Is that what you’re saying?

Show quote history

No my point here was that because I wouldn’t be willing to give his parents that money
he would need to get me on board and/or respect my decision not to.
therefore OP shouldn’t, unless she can get him on board.
trying to be fair by saying I wouldn’t want to give his parents it and he should respect that, just as I should respect that he may not want to give my parents it either.

penguinbiscuits · 19/02/2024 04:29

It's disgraceful that they've given you a house deposit and you cannot lend them 6k

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 19/02/2024 05:01

If your DP’s have £1000 ‘disposable’ per month, how come they don’t have £4000 saved up since paying out for the private procedure last October?

Ggttl · 19/02/2024 06:39

Do they absolutely have to get the roof done immediately? I was told I needed a new roof but I had to delay it. I went on our roof and patched it up myself and it lasted another 12months. The materials cost about £30-£40. I’m not saying you should do this yourself but have they spoken to the roofer and asked if there is a cheaper temporary solution that will allow your parents to save for the bigger job.

Only lend them the money if you can afford to give it away and don’t mind if they never pay it back.

Sunnnybunny72 · 19/02/2024 07:16

This is the problem with house deposits, free childcare and the like.
You're always just that little bit beholden.
FWIW I would do it. And this is why DH and I have separate monies so we can spend or use them as we like.

CadyEastman · 19/02/2024 07:33

Why the hell should people move to smaller houses when they get older if they don't want to and leave all their memories?

Even if they can't afford to maintain the house?

WhereTheHellisTheRestOfThisCroppedShirt · 19/02/2024 07:58

Would I help my elderly parents fix an urgent roof issue? Of course I would. And god help DH if he tried to stop me.

ChaoticCrumble · 19/02/2024 08:20

If they can easily afford the £500 and DH not on board, they could just get a regular loan and pay a bit more - it should still be doable.

MumblesParty · 19/02/2024 09:13

Presumably if they have £1000 spare per month, and they used up their savings 4 months ago, they’ve now built up maybe £2000-4000 in savings again? That would reduce the amount you’d need to lend them, which might persuade your DH.

dottiedodah · 19/02/2024 09:29

I would lend it to them I think.They have been kind to you and I think its a nice thing to do for family.

Britpop123 · 19/02/2024 10:15

SomethingDifferentt · 19/02/2024 00:10

Given that solo debt in a marriage stays with the person in debt, and doesn't become a debt of the marriage, then I don't really think your dh has any say. It would be different if you wanted to take it out of joint savings or remortgage etc. Bit this is solo debt in your name. It's not up to him

Well this is all fine in theory. However, should anything go tits up and op's parents stopped paying it back, it would be a debt needing to be repaid by her/them - and presumably a £500pm debt would impact the household. It's more than reasonable that the dh would want a say in that type of decision and the risk it brings.

If dh took out debt for someone without my knowledge or without us both agreeing to do so it would be marriage-ending.

'Do what you want and they'll have to suck it up' isn't a motto to live by if you want a successful marriage.

You’re quite right

whilst I’m in the camp of “of course you should help” I also know it’s not a decision you can take in isolation. I’m also aware there have been threads in the past where the husband wants to lend to family/friends and the op objects and is always told he has no right to do it if you don’t want to, all money is family money etc

sandyhappypeople · 19/02/2024 11:03

Twinkletwinklelil · 19/02/2024 04:06

No my point here was that because I wouldn’t be willing to give his parents that money
he would need to get me on board and/or respect my decision not to.
therefore OP shouldn’t, unless she can get him on board.
trying to be fair by saying I wouldn’t want to give his parents it and he should respect that, just as I should respect that he may not want to give my parents it either.

Show quote history

unless there's a big back story, don't you think that's rather hypocritical to say you'd lend it to your parents but he wouldn't be allowed to lend it to his (the debt would be his sole debt after all).

This is why I would never pool all of mine and DH's finances, I'd respect his opinion, but I wouldn't let him dictate what I can and can't do with any money that is my own without a very good reason.

sandyhappypeople · 19/02/2024 11:04

BananaOrangeApple · 19/02/2024 02:57

a balance transfer doesn’t get cash out? You can transfer another debt to the new card. I’m not sure how you are getting cash from that without incurring a big fee.

as long as YOU can afford to pay it off in full before the 0% ends. It won’t spiral out of control…I would not risk it. Paying the minimum isn’t going to clear the balance quick enough.

nearly all credit card companies do either a balance transfer option or a cash withdrawal option, the fees and terms are only slightly different usually.

NCForQuestions · 19/02/2024 11:06

Have they looked at a secured loan against the house with their bank account? Have they been saving anything since the surgery?

Quizine · 19/02/2024 11:40

What about you loaning half, and parents borrowing half?

Cornishclio · 19/02/2024 12:02

Normally I would say never lend money to family but this situation is difficult if your parents gave you money towards your deposit. That indicates they really couldn't afford to in much the same way they couldn't afford the medical procedure for your dad. If you can afford it I think you should help them and point out to your husband that they helped you. If you cannot afford it then no or do as you suggest and do a 0% card.

Twinkletwinklelil · 19/02/2024 22:10

sandyhappypeople · 19/02/2024 11:03

unless there's a big back story, don't you think that's rather hypocritical to say you'd lend it to your parents but he wouldn't be allowed to lend it to his (the debt would be his sole debt after all).

This is why I would never pool all of mine and DH's finances, I'd respect his opinion, but I wouldn't let him dictate what I can and can't do with any money that is my own without a very good reason.

Show quote history

There’s a huge backstory but this isn’t about me

my comments still stand. If you look at a response I left to someone else you may understand my point.

CadyEastman · 20/02/2024 06:58

Quizine · 19/02/2024 11:40

What about you loaning half, and parents borrowing half?

Her DF has a CCJ and is a pensioner. I can't imagine any decent lender would touch him.

Passthepickle · 20/02/2024 07:05

In a heart beat. I would have done it already and wouldn’t be too bothered about what dh thought when I would be more bothered with what I thought of him. You are confident in the plan, have some capacity anyway and can help. Your parents need the work to realise a good price when they downsize. In my life help of different sorts goes all ways to people I love and it comes back plenty. It’s better way to live

sashagabadon · 20/02/2024 07:16

Why don’t they just save up the £6k themselves with their £1k per month spare cash. They’d have it saved by July and get roof sorted in august in time for the winter

Spectre8 · 20/02/2024 07:34

Your poor parents when you needed help they didn't hesitate to help you and your othe husband out, house deposit then free childcare. They should of not bothered giving you the house deposit and kept it as they could afford to do their roof then.

Ffs how ungrateful is your oh. If you took on the 6k and they never paid back so what it'd only be returning money they gave you for a deposit or paying for all the childcare they gave you.

You OH is an idiot.

barkymcbark · 20/02/2024 07:53

If you have separate financiers from your dh then I'd say do it, especially as they've helped you out with a house deposit previously.

But I can see your dh point of view and it's a lot of money to have to pay back if for some reason they can't. It only takes a boiler breaking, a car breaking down to put it all into a tail spin.

Another option is to take more out of their pension. Did they take the full 25% lump sum, can they take a large draw down one month? Might be worth speaking to their pension provider or a financial advisor

2mummies1baby · 20/02/2024 09:07

How can your husband justify not loaning them this money when he's living in the house they provided the deposit for?! And free childcare on top of that! He's being incredibly unreasonable- of course you have to lend them the money.

turkeymuffin · 20/02/2024 14:37

If they have £1000/month spare to pay you back then they should have at least £4K is savings since October.
It doesn't add up.

turkeymuffin · 20/02/2024 14:38

Springpug · 19/02/2024 00:40

If they have £1000 disposable income,in their shoes I would save £1000 a month for 6 months to get the roof done ..I wouldn't put pressure on my daughter's marriage by suggesting she helps ..but that's just me

Exactly!