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Original poster

Dh not happy but I’m torn over what to do

133 replies

Chowmain · 18/02/2024 20:10

Hi,

my parents (both early 70’s) have had a tricky time over the last few years financially. They own their house outright but had to use all of their savings about 5 months ago to pay for a private medical procedure. Dad had waited 2 years but the situation became unbearable. He had the procedure in October and is now a totally different person.

they’ve got a problem with their roof that isn’t covered by their house insurance. It will cost 6k to fix. They don’t have that money right now.

I have a 0% credit card money transfer offer. I’d like to take this offer and then transfer the money to them. They can afford to pay £500 a month which will clear the balance in a year, with no interest. I’m happy to do this, but dh doesn’t want me to.

I know that lending money isn’t advised, and I know that I’ll be liable for the debt, however I have 100% faith that they will pay and we will also put something in writing. I also think that we need to remember all of the support they have given us over the years- house deposit, free childcare etc

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

MooFroo · 18/02/2024 23:14

Sounds like you have a good relationship with your parents, if they’ve supported you with buying a house and childcare etc

absolutely, you should help them and find a way to make it work. Not sure how you can get DH on board, or if you really need to – I know if my parents needed something and I was there only option, I would do my very best to help them.

Equity, release and downsizing et cetera of not appropriate actions for the sake of £5/6k.

SomethingDifferentt · 19/02/2024 00:10

Given that solo debt in a marriage stays with the person in debt, and doesn't become a debt of the marriage, then I don't really think your dh has any say. It would be different if you wanted to take it out of joint savings or remortgage etc. Bit this is solo debt in your name. It's not up to him

Well this is all fine in theory. However, should anything go tits up and op's parents stopped paying it back, it would be a debt needing to be repaid by her/them - and presumably a £500pm debt would impact the household. It's more than reasonable that the dh would want a say in that type of decision and the risk it brings.

If dh took out debt for someone without my knowledge or without us both agreeing to do so it would be marriage-ending.

'Do what you want and they'll have to suck it up' isn't a motto to live by if you want a successful marriage.

Livelovebehappy · 19/02/2024 00:13

I would do it in a heart beat. I don’t think yo7 need your husbands permission if by you loaning them the money it doesn’t impact his life, ie not being able to go,out/have holidays. The monthly amount payable you say is £60 pm, and if you’re easily able to do that if one month they can’t pay, then I would do it. Your parents were there for you when you needed them, so you also need to be there for them. It’s for a home repair too, which I guess you could say is the house is going to be yours one day, so it’s in your interest to help keep it in good repair.

SomethingDifferentt · 19/02/2024 00:20

I'm very surprised at the amount of posts saying of course you should do it.

Taking on debt in your name for another person, based on their promise to repay it, is pretty much top of the 'Don't' list. Very very risky.

No one EVER thinks that the person would break their promise or not repay them. But it does happen, frequently. People die. They get dementia. They fall out. Other financial disaster happens. Payments stop.

I wouldn't take out debt in mine or dh's names for any person, for any reason. Not for our parents, not for our siblings - who have been very, very good to us over the years (in non-financial ways).

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 19/02/2024 00:23

quote ' had a tricky time over the last few years financially.'
but his operation was only 5 months ago

so what changed / happened.

they may have an income of £2000 right now, but how much would one of them have if the other died ?

healthadvice123 · 19/02/2024 00:34

Only on mumsnet are people shocked that many don’t have savings and not all pensioners are rich
a large proportion of people have no savings as they are living hand to mouth
if my parents i would help if i could especially if they have helped myself in past.
is it joint money or soley yours as that also makes a difference

Springpug · 19/02/2024 00:40

If they have £1000 disposable income,in their shoes I would save £1000 a month for 6 months to get the roof done ..I wouldn't put pressure on my daughter's marriage by suggesting she helps ..but that's just me

changedagain67543 · 19/02/2024 00:45

Would do this in a heart beat for my parents.

Dancerprancer19 · 19/02/2024 00:51

For both sets of our parents I would absolutely do this and I know my husband would be happy to do it too. We have a shared value on the importance of family. I couldn’t be married to someone who wouldn’t let me help my parents when there was zero real cost either. But I see from the thread that not everyone feels that way.

LameBorzoi · 19/02/2024 00:52

Given that they have given you a house deposit, I would loan them the money, if there is a definite plan to downsize. It would be very easy to get stuck in a pattern of propping up a property that your parents can't afford to maintain.

HerRoyalNotness · 19/02/2024 00:55

Yes I would. They’ve helped you. Help them back. I’d like to help IL with some repairs now but they won’t hear of it!

Tatonka · 19/02/2024 00:56

Wow, I'd lend my parents money if I had it, heaven done everything for me and my family. I'd be angry if my DH objected.

VanGoghsDog · 19/02/2024 01:02

Chowmain · 18/02/2024 20:35

They have tried but they can’t get a low rate or 0% , possible due to them both being retired. Dad also had a ccj from a parking ticket dispute. They have no other debts

Show quote history

So, they can get a loan, they just can't get it cheaply. I'd let them do this rather than get into debt myself. I'd lend them the money if I had it, I wouldn't take on credit to lend to them.

VanGoghsDog · 19/02/2024 01:05

SomethingDifferentt · 19/02/2024 00:10

If dh took out debt for someone without my knowledge or without us both agreeing to do so it would be marriage-ending.

'Do what you want and they'll have to suck it up' isn't a motto to live by if you want a successful marriage.

It's not "a £500pm debt", that's just the rate the parents would be able to repay it. The minimum payment pm would probably be more like £90-180ish depending on what percentage the cc co uses. Depends also how long the 0% rate lasts for.

sandyhappypeople · 19/02/2024 01:09

I’d do this in a heartbeat.

what is the reason DH doesn’t want you to do it? Is there a back story at all? With free childcare and giving (loaning?) you money for a house deposit, it’s the least you can do for them, I’d be giving my DH a bit of a talking to, unless he had a valid reason of course.

you need to get something in writing just so if anything happens to them it’s on record that they owe you that money though, don’t leave anything like that to chance.

DiscoBeat · 19/02/2024 01:15

Yes I would help, but make it official so that you would be legally a creditor. We lent money to family to buy a house and you can put a charge on the house. But it would be a one-off as clearly they can't afford to run the house now and need to downsize. So I would support them through a move to a smaller property afterwards.

Babyroobs · 19/02/2024 01:18

Your dh is being unreasonable. It's 6k not 60k and will be paid back in a relatively short space of time. It wouldn't cross my mind not to if I had the means to help.

InWalksBarberalla · 19/02/2024 01:27

I'd do it as long as I was prepared to have to cover the full amount if things go wrong.
Particularly given they helped with the house deposit!

Growlybear83 · 19/02/2024 01:55

I can't believe the attitude of some people on this thread. Of course you should do whatever you can to help your parents! It sounds as though they won't have a problem repaying the credit card. I also don't understand the comments that your parents need to downsize - it's their home and their life is in their house. Why the hell should people move to smaller houses when they get older if they don't want to and leave all their memories?

LameBorzoi · 19/02/2024 02:11

@Growlybear83 The downsizing is because this incident raises the question of whether OP's parents can afford to live where they are, or whether they need to free up cash. Things like this are never a once off. It's the roof this year, but it will be the boiler in 6 months, the front windows after that, then the plumbing, etc, etc. Property takes a lot of money to maintain, and the bigger and older the property, the more expensive it it (usually).

FabFebHalfTerm · 19/02/2024 02:23

@Chowmain

WHY is your DH against it. To me that's the important part, that's missing (or I've missed)

BananaOrangeApple · 19/02/2024 02:57

a balance transfer doesn’t get cash out? You can transfer another debt to the new card. I’m not sure how you are getting cash from that without incurring a big fee.

as long as YOU can afford to pay it off in full before the 0% ends. It won’t spiral out of control…I would not risk it. Paying the minimum isn’t going to clear the balance quick enough.

Ponderingwindow · 19/02/2024 03:02

6k isn’t even a particularly large home repair bill. What happens when something else breaks before they finish paying this one off. Even at 500 a month, they will need a year to pay you back. You are setting yourself up to be their revolving line of credit and it likely won’t end well.

they need to look into downsizing so they can release some equity and have savings.

i also think with couples there is an amount that either person can veto. The actual value depends on your financial situation. Given you are planning to put this on a credit card and not pay cash, I would venture to say that your couple veto amount is under 6k.

FlamingoFloss · 19/02/2024 03:18

I would go ahead and do it for them

Happyhappyday · 19/02/2024 03:58

Would depend for me whether I could afford to cover the debt, not just minimum payments, racking up interest when 0% expires but actually just pay it without it wiping out our emergency fund. For us, we would just pay for it and have them pay back as they could, but if it was say 45k, I would look at other options, like an equity release on my own home rather than unsecured credit card debt.

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