Husband Prioritising Work Over Me Being Sick!

[Whateverrrrr]

First post! Help!

Do I have a right to be furious?

I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years, with him for 15. I’m 34 with three children ages 6, 4 and 2.

I am hardly ever properly ill, ever. I get run down a lot but completely carry on like most women. I’m a stay at home Mum and my husband owns his own business that he’s building back financially from the sh*t show that was Covid!!!

He springs on me today, after yes, having the kids for me because I woke up for the first time in years genuinely feeling so unwell. Tonsils like golf balls, fever, shivering, aches all over. He tells me he has to now go “be away for 2 days to do this deal I can’t miss it because it’s £5,000 so call your Mum I can’t help”.

I got up at 5am with all of them to give him a lay in because he was out the night before, feeling like hell. Only a couple of weekends back I had all the kids from Friday through till Monday and let him sleep all the time because he had a “stomach ache” but by the way, happened to suddenly be well enough Sunday night after all the kids got out to bed to go PLAY POOL AT THE PUB?!

He provides for us but this has struck a raw horrible nerve with me that 5k is more important than me so bye! No discussion. Won’t consider other ways to postpone the deal, nothing. I have to fire it out and this is something he “needs to do”

It feels so pathetic and weak the way he says he might not get this chance again this month. I want a guy who will drop stuff for me and not stress and fritter about money. I secretly wish he’d say; “Darling, it’s 5k, can be made next week, you rest up I’ll call them and say I can’t make it”

No such thing. I’m so upset, he’s still going.

Am I being unreasonable? We had a roaring argument and I told him I’ll remember the next time you’re poorly and that basically it’s obviously I’m
not allowed to be sick. There is always “something on that is very important”

I told him this will be the most expensive 5k you ever make when I throw this marriage down the drain, take half of the house and let you know how far now we’re all on each others priority lists!

I told him if someone offered me 5k or to look after him and the kids because he was very sick I wouldn’t have to think. It’s be him and the kids. Obviously that’s not reciprocated. I am furious. Do I have any right to be?

Thanks Mums x

When someone shows you who they are believe them.

He sounds like the sort of man who “babysits” his own children. You either accept it as it won’t change, or start building the steps needed for your own financial independence.

But if he’s rebuilding his business after Covid can he afford to turn down £5K? I guess it depends what he does but is it a job where reputation counts for a lot, so he’d also be risking being seen as unreliable?

Hmm I don’t know. The way he has gone about is without a doubt shotty (I doubt this deal has been sprung upon him) but you would genuinely turn down £5k if your husband was a bit poorly (as in feels like shit, but not needing hospital etc)?? How much family income do you guys have??

My answer I suppose is based on the premise that the money will make a difference and there is an element of reputations damage to small business if change plans with minimal notice.

in real life, you guys need to have a conversation about shared diaries so that you had some inkling this was in the offing. On here I’m sure many will tell you to LTB

I'm on the side of your DH. Being the sole owner and having to recover your business must be hard. 5k is not an insignificant amount and you aren't hospital level of ill. Yes it's rubbish but I think you should just quietly muddle through, especially if you have a mum who can give even a tiny bit of support

Thank you Witch!

I’m so tired of it! I get the deal - he works his a** off I mostly manage our three young children and I do all the cooking and cleaning. I am so happy with this. But I seriously can’t remember the last time I asked to be cared for it even just told “it’s okay, rest up, I’ve got this for you!”

Instead as a 34 year old grown woman I’ve humiliated myself by calling my parents up in tears asking them if they can travel the 40 mins to stay for a few hours so I can at least arrange some tea and put them to bed, be hopefully be well enough for the school run for my eldest tomorrow and have our girls for the whole day.

I told my dad I am beyond angry, this has hurt me deeply. I thought we had an amazing relationship. He was even going on about a rare and needed date night tonight and here was I feeling bad about not being up for a date night!!! He never said oh sorry hunny about that date night let me care for you instead! It’s just work is so important, it trumps everything. Not in my eyes it doesn’t!

I spitefully told him enjoy your 5k alone because we won’t be married anymore, hope it’s all worth it, you always were a cheap skate!!!!

Gently, I think you are ridiculously overreacting! Threating to end marriage because your husband dare work!

doesn't sound like he's in the position to turn down a £5k deal, unfortunately you just need to get on with it.
It's work not a lads weekend away.

He earns a 6 figure salary but it’s very hit and Miss. He could make £180,000 next week and then nothing for months on end. It’s unstable.

Why is it humiliating to phone your own parents to ask for help?

Team DH here. Perhaps he could have communicated it more kindly, but since he is the sole earner, you're going to have to suck it up. It's easy to say you would turn down the money when you are not contributing financially.

I have up a high paying job and I feel
more unstable than ever!

He provides but I just simply wouldn’t have done the same if he was ill - I would have not gone in that day to take care of him and our kids. I wish we had the same principles, I often wonder what amount he would turn down. Is 2k reasonable? Where is this monetary threshold? I feel reduced to a piece of meat.

I think you’re overreacting a bit, sorry. Threatening divorce over this

If his income is as unstable as you say and this is a guaranteed £5k which pays this month’s bills and allows for you to remain a SAHM, surely you can manage to look after three kids for a couple of days with the help of your parents?

Are there any other funds coming into your household? Can he afford to turn 5k down? I think you are overreacting as you are not feeling well

If he were employed he wouldn't be able to just not go to work just because his wife was ill.

It's crap, but that's life. Call your parents. And if this is making you consider divorce then you obviously have a lot of other problems in your marriage.

Thanks ladies

Maybe I am. I’m so rarely poorly, I don’t think I have spent one day in bed in 2 years, not even half a day. I just wanted to be put first for once and not ahead of money.

I’m actually quite sick of money! I’d rather have time and care. I don’t need all the fancy things if it rocks the boat and we hardly see each other. I’m angry about this for so many levels.

This is ridiculous. Of course work is more important, especially as he is the sole earner. He should be commended for being a hard worker.

Unfortunately, ‘time and care’, as lovely as it would be to have that 24/7, doesn’t pay the mortgage or put food on the table.

How are you a sahm and have a high paying job 🤔

It’s not just the 5k if it’s your own business. It’s loss of future business for years, from them and others who refer them.

when you choose roles, one earns, one stays at home, there is less flexibility. The earner can’t just stop to do the sahp job, especially when self employed.

he needs earn money. If his work is unstable, he needs to take it when he can.

if you want more flexibility you need to go back to work to provide more stability and allow him to be able to turn down 5k contracts.

I think you’re really overreacting. It’s hard looking after kids when you’re ill but if you're not hospital level ill and have family nearby who can help I don’t see why the sole earner in your household should take unpaid time off. I think your threatening divorce and crying to your parents is way OTT I’m afraid.

This is what you sign up for if you are self employed & your wife is a SAHM. If he doesn't take on client work they will simply go elsewhere, so he would also lose any future income stream. That would jeopardise his reputation and your ability to enjoy your lifestyle.

You are being very over dramatic if you are willing to walk away, especially as he wouldn't be around next time you have tonsillitis and you would still have 3 young children to look after by yourself.

I think if he actually said exactly what you said he did in your OP then he certainly could've put it in a kinder way but I'm mostly with him on this. I think you've significantly overreacted and quite likely owe him an apology. Threatening divorce because he goes to work when you're ill is not exactly a rational or proportionate response.

I think you should consider returning to work in some format in order to take the pressure off you both. More money and a break from DC.

To be honest there aren't many people who could turn down £5k because their partner is ill - especially if grandparents are close to help out. Whether you like the way he handled it or not, I think it is just one of those things that you have to accept when you have kids. There are just some days when we have to crack on regardless of how ill we feel.

Well carry out your threat and divorce him then. Take him to the cleaners and make his life hell and be happy on your own. Why on earth do you feel humiliated to ask your parents for help? As grown ups I'm sure they understand that you are unwell and your DH needs to keep his business going. Personally I think you sound like a martyr.