Husband Prioritising Work Over Me Being Sick!

[Whateverrrrr]

First post! Help!

Do I have a right to be furious?

I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years, with him for 15. I’m 34 with three children ages 6, 4 and 2.

I am hardly ever properly ill, ever. I get run down a lot but completely carry on like most women. I’m a stay at home Mum and my husband owns his own business that he’s building back financially from the sh*t show that was Covid!!!

He springs on me today, after yes, having the kids for me because I woke up for the first time in years genuinely feeling so unwell. Tonsils like golf balls, fever, shivering, aches all over. He tells me he has to now go “be away for 2 days to do this deal I can’t miss it because it’s £5,000 so call your Mum I can’t help”.

I got up at 5am with all of them to give him a lay in because he was out the night before, feeling like hell. Only a couple of weekends back I had all the kids from Friday through till Monday and let him sleep all the time because he had a “stomach ache” but by the way, happened to suddenly be well enough Sunday night after all the kids got out to bed to go PLAY POOL AT THE PUB?!

He provides for us but this has struck a raw horrible nerve with me that 5k is more important than me so bye! No discussion. Won’t consider other ways to postpone the deal, nothing. I have to fire it out and this is something he “needs to do”

It feels so pathetic and weak the way he says he might not get this chance again this month. I want a guy who will drop stuff for me and not stress and fritter about money. I secretly wish he’d say; “Darling, it’s 5k, can be made next week, you rest up I’ll call them and say I can’t make it”

No such thing. I’m so upset, he’s still going.

Am I being unreasonable? We had a roaring argument and I told him I’ll remember the next time you’re poorly and that basically it’s obviously I’m
not allowed to be sick. There is always “something on that is very important”

I told him this will be the most expensive 5k you ever make when I throw this marriage down the drain, take half of the house and let you know how far now we’re all on each others priority lists!

I told him if someone offered me 5k or to look after him and the kids because he was very sick I wouldn’t have to think. It’s be him and the kids. Obviously that’s not reciprocated. I am furious. Do I have any right to be?

Thanks Mums x

Who is looking after the kids whilst you are ranting and raving on here?

Well then how can he turn down the work?

And how are you going to manage with he children as a single parent?

I think you are being over dramatic

The absolute levels of drama in you! What was your 'high earning' job and how long did you do it? Am assuming he's considerably older than you if you're 34 and he's been doing his job for 26 years?

Is is 10 years older than me!

My Mum and Dad are here.

So he's an antique dealer.
Like I said before, you're loving living with the finer things in life , however, you're in debt.

I think you really need to find a stable income, enjoy fewer fine things and pay off those debts.

Were you to divorce, you'd still end up , on occasion, with no support whilst ill.

It looks to me that your current predicament is the tip of an iceberg as well as being the straw that broke the camel's back.

Get a job, get your independence back and save.
Then decide the best way forward.

And I hope you feel better soon. 💐

I can see both sides. Tbh.

I think it’s a bit shit he let you know last minute. I can see you feel unloved.

But I can see why he feels he needs to work all he can.

I think it could be a case of he shows love by fixing the finances. You want to be shown love differently.

Though I do think you are being disingenuous. The whole ‘I am sick of money’ suggests you really have never been completely on the bones of your are. I can promise you, when you have been you don’t get sick of having too much money. I get you want care. But I promise serious financial problems can also cause huge amounts of stress and resentment and therefore a lack of care between partners.

I don’t understand he owns a business that was doing well and you could earn a a lot of money, why did you give up work? Go back. He may feel like if you go back he will have let you down and that makes him feel ashamed. Though deep down it might help him and take some pressure off.

You both really need to learn how to communicate. He isn’t great at it and, clearly, neither are you.

It’s complicated because I have hazy memories but I think my Dad may have sexually abused me at some point. My husband knows this so he knows that is why I NEVER leave the kids alone with them. It’s complicated.

So he’s gone and with a fever and needing anti biotics I’m out of bed and going to have to ask my Mum and Dad to leave because they are awkward and won’t cook and say they don’t know the kids bedtime routines anyway.

Never felt more alone.

I used to work in the adult industry - 5k isn’t much to me but it’s enough for him to leave me sick and put the kids in danger because I’m feverish and dizzy but I’m just gonna plod on, remember this and we’ll talk when he comes back.

Money isn’t important to me I can make my own I don’t need someone’s money I need someone who can be here for me and the kids when I need them the most which, I haven’t asked this in 2 or so more years. Last time I was sick and asked him to kind of half look after the kids for 2 ish days was when I was pregnant with our third baby, had two toddlers under 2 and had pneumonia. I should have known by his complaining back then I would never get any help sick or whatever. I was put on a drip in hospital pregnant with our second because I got a stomach bug and got so dehydrated and pregnant I couldn’t keep liquids down. The next day I was looking after the kids from 4am because I had a 19 month old top who wasn’t sleeping well.

I’m realising I don’t want fancy things in a man I want somewhere to be there for me when it matters because we don’t really have anyone else.

He won’t let me go back due to the sexual nature of my work. He said he wouldn’t have me doing any of that although it was, of course, fine when he met me!

So I’m “not allowed” to work and “not allowed” to be sick. There is always money to be made, always something important happening. It never stops.

I understand I have never been on the bare bones of my behind financially, we have been close but always pulled it back.

I need other help I guess because I can’t do this all on my own if he needs to be off everywhere because he has to make money. I thought there was going to be this big, grand romantic gesture of “it doesn’t matter babe what can I do for you” but obviously not. Maybe I’m too romantically minded, and need to get realistic.

Sounds like you're going with the replies that agree with you.

I agree with DH

Yea woman. Stop being upset. Just smile and carry on. Maybe add a ribbon to your hair as well. 🙄

op, go back to work and share parenting. Protect your options.

Right, so you think your dads a child sex abuser and your mum enabled but they can care for your children?
You think £5k is nothing?
You had a high paid sex career pre kids?..

Money is relevant to how much you have.

It’s like him dropping me for £100. I’m personally not cool with it. I have my boundaries and they are obviously a lot different to everyone else’s here.

OP I think posters are fixating on the £5k or other details. But it's not what the £5k means to me or the next person. It's what it means to you/your family and also you are the person who knows how unwell you feel. I'm sorry it's not a good situation with your parents and possible abusebybyour dad. I'm sure that impacts on how upset you're feeling that no one seems to have your back. My ex left me to fend for myself with a newborn when I was incredibly vulnerable for the most pathetic of reasons. I never forgave him.

So are you actually planning to divorce him when he gets back from this trip? Because throwing divorce around as a threat in arguments is a really shitty thing to do regardless of the relationship problems you may be having. If I was him I'd be speaking to a solicitor while I was away, no one dangles divorce over my head to make me act the way they want me to act.

I seem to be at odds with most posters here, as I am blown away by his lack of care for you.

i think you need to re train, as I don’t think your line of work gives longevity in a career, but you are clearly a resourceful woman.

start planning and researching to see what you can do, and make a very long term plan to become independent of him. Imagine getting cancer, or needing a big operation, or breaking your leg. He would be unbearable.
and start to treat him as he treats you, ‘do as you would be done by’ is a very good way to live.

Hmmm think you jumped the shark there.

That and the sex work.

So your mam and dad have kindly come to look after you, but you're arsey now with them. Okaaay.
You think you were abused by your Dad. The one who came over to look after you? And your own high paying job was sex? And you think your (sugar) daddy husband is a pedophile? Have I got all that? Who you met because he was a, erm, client?

I'm beginning to think Mr. Acorn would be better off if you did divorce the poor fucker.

Your biggest mistake was getting up at 5am with all 3 DC so he could have a lay in. You should have asked him to get up with DC so you could gargle some disprin and sleep for an hour or two more. I'd be furious too. More than that I'd think less of him for not having my back when I felt like crap. I'd remember next time he felt like shit.

£5k revenue or £5k profit? There's a huge difference.

Loving the drip feed back story.

You'd hate my DH. He went to work when I was in labour with DS2!
He'd just started a new job and it was an important deal for his company and his personal reputation.
He got back in time to come to the hospital but I was prepared to go alone if necessary.

As it was, the fact that he went to work when I was in labour got him (and me) many brownie points and we got a very expensive meal out paid for by his company as a thank you 🤩

He's doing very very well now in his field because of this work ethic. It does drive me potty sometimes but I see the bigger picture.

I think YABU but I can see why you're pissed off. Maybe stop mollycoddling him with lie ins when he's been out? It sounds like you resent it. If he goes out then it's his choice and he has to suck up the tiredness/hangover next day.

An antiques deal? So not like, an event that can only be done on one day then. Oh I'm definitely on your side now just based on that. Wouldn't have killed him.

Get a takeaway. Snuggle with the kids on the sofa in front of a film. Tell them there's a prize for the first to get into their pyjamas and brush their teeth (DH will provide the prize when he's home).

You can get through this. You've made your way through a difficult childhood and risky career.

Have a think about what you want your future to be when you're feeling better and less feverish.

FWIW, if you're in debt and don't know where the next £ is coming from, I think that your DH was right to go to work today.

You are being bloody ridiculous.

So do I. I felt some sympathy with the first post but it's evaporating with every update. It must be quite hard for your husband being the sole wage earner and if I were him I'd be reevaluating whether I wanted to stay in this hostile set up.