Husband Prioritising Work Over Me Being Sick!

[Whateverrrrr]

First post! Help!

Do I have a right to be furious?

I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years, with him for 15. I’m 34 with three children ages 6, 4 and 2.

I am hardly ever properly ill, ever. I get run down a lot but completely carry on like most women. I’m a stay at home Mum and my husband owns his own business that he’s building back financially from the sh*t show that was Covid!!!

He springs on me today, after yes, having the kids for me because I woke up for the first time in years genuinely feeling so unwell. Tonsils like golf balls, fever, shivering, aches all over. He tells me he has to now go “be away for 2 days to do this deal I can’t miss it because it’s £5,000 so call your Mum I can’t help”.

I got up at 5am with all of them to give him a lay in because he was out the night before, feeling like hell. Only a couple of weekends back I had all the kids from Friday through till Monday and let him sleep all the time because he had a “stomach ache” but by the way, happened to suddenly be well enough Sunday night after all the kids got out to bed to go PLAY POOL AT THE PUB?!

He provides for us but this has struck a raw horrible nerve with me that 5k is more important than me so bye! No discussion. Won’t consider other ways to postpone the deal, nothing. I have to fire it out and this is something he “needs to do”

It feels so pathetic and weak the way he says he might not get this chance again this month. I want a guy who will drop stuff for me and not stress and fritter about money. I secretly wish he’d say; “Darling, it’s 5k, can be made next week, you rest up I’ll call them and say I can’t make it”

No such thing. I’m so upset, he’s still going.

Am I being unreasonable? We had a roaring argument and I told him I’ll remember the next time you’re poorly and that basically it’s obviously I’m
not allowed to be sick. There is always “something on that is very important”

I told him this will be the most expensive 5k you ever make when I throw this marriage down the drain, take half of the house and let you know how far now we’re all on each others priority lists!

I told him if someone offered me 5k or to look after him and the kids because he was very sick I wouldn’t have to think. It’s be him and the kids. Obviously that’s not reciprocated. I am furious. Do I have any right to be?

Thanks Mums x

If you want your DH to work less then you should go back to work to give him the flexibility. It’s very hard being the sole earner and having a partner and Dc rely on you. If you we t back to work you could share the strain and he could relax a bit on the work front.

It's horrible to feel your partner isn't bothered about you being ill, but seriously, you're a grown woman with a tonsil infection not a toddler who needs to be "looked after" in the true sense.

If he were employed by someone else and said he had to take time off to look after his wife who had tonsillitis he'd be laughed off the premises, and quite rightly. And so would any woman trying the same.

If money is such an issue, then you're going to have to think about not being a SAHM.

If your parents can step in then he's not being unreasonable. Hell, you could get a temp nanny in for the day from an agency for a couple of hundred quid.

In isolation, very unreasonable.
But you've already listed a couple of other examples of you putting yourself out for him, and im guessing there's a bit of a backstop here about you putting yourself out for him and not feeling like he does for you?
While I understand other comments about him being the sole earner, he is still a father and a husband and I do find that self-employed types are so keen on 'making time for themselves after they've worked so hard' they spend more time doing that than engaging in family life.
Also if he could earn £180k in a week then 5k isn't exactly a livelihood endangering loss. Also this is just to MAKE the deal right? Are there really that many jobs where he couldn't say 'sorry, family emergency, can we meet in a couple of days?"

Look after yourself. Go back to your high paying work and get a nanny. Build up your pension.

Threatening divorce over this issue is rather over dramatic.

You say that you enjoy his earning power and the fine things in life that his salary brings you and that you live being a SAHP.

The words 'cake' and 'eat it' springs to mind.

You'll be fine, I'm sure your eldest could be persuaded to get food, following your instruction, for all of them.
Get a friend or parent to take your eldest to school, the other two can play in your room. Put the telly on for them.

Going forward, get yourself a job , even a small part time one . Put the younger two in nursery.

I think your mindset has gone a bit skewed.

Dare I say , how do you think the many, many single parents cope?

You sound ridiculous and petulant, pick me pick me. He's a sole breadwinner, he needs to work.

I disagree about what employed people would do. I've definitely worked with men who've taken the odd day off or been late in because their DW is too ill to look after the toddler/do the school run. They normally wouldn't cancel a big work trip, but it's an acceptable reason for someone with a bog standard office job (not a teacher/surgeon/train driver) to take a day off.

I used to have a high paying job and gave that up to stay at home which is what I’m happy to do, everyone was in agreement about it I just didn’t know that it came with a caveat of - not being allowed to be sick ever.

My in laws can’t come because they are too old, and my parents are problematic - it’s very complicated but my husband knows I only ask them for help if I’m in dire straits.

I told him a year back I want to go back to work because I feel unstable - we are in debt, he said no, I have us financially. Now I am regretting it because everything is now in his power and he calls the shots. He can be sick all weekend and re-arrange his work around that, but not for me. I now know where I stand, loud and clear.

I amnot a helpless little housewife if that’s what he thinks who accepts his crap.

It sounds like there are a lot of issues in the marriage that are making you angry and resentful and it sounds like both of you speak to each other in an unpleasant way to be honest.

But I wouldn't expect my DH to take a day off work unless I was in hospital or physically unable to get out of bed. Yes it sucks but that's life when you have kids. I also think it's fine to ask parents to help out in this sort of situation. I'm sure a neighbour or school parent would do the school run if you are too unwell.

3 years ago I was hit by MS, followed 6 weeks later by dh having his first colitis flare which has now progressed and caused arthritis through pretty much his whole body.

That first year he was in and out of hospital while I struggled on at home with 4dc. He eventually returned to work, I collapsed one day and phoned him to come home, his work were not impressed. At this point he (a tradesman) was working for a big local hotel as their on-site tradesman, they were utter cunts about it.

Had another bad relapse a couple of months later whilst my dh was admitted to hospital, my neighbour had to call my mum, 2+ hours away and still working full-time, she dropped everything and got here asap but in the meantime rallied up some other mum neighbours to take the kids and dog til mum could get here.

5k is not a sum no turn your nose at, he's right that you need a back up support system that's not just him.

I'm with your husband. It's his own business, he can't just take time off because you're ill, especially if you don't work. If you want to divorce him because of it, go ahead, but you'll be in the same position when you're sick as a single parent.

I'm on the fence here. If your dh thinks this £5k is the only thing in the pipeline for a while, I understand why he needs it - to pay bills, mortgage, food etc. He is supporting 5 of you.

He could have made a bit more effort to help you arrange some extra support. Called your mum and asked if she was available etc. But being sole breadwinner for a family of five must be tough.

I hope you feel better soon. The next time he gets a £180k deal in, suggest you treat yourselves to a holiday. It sounds like you need it.

in this instance yes, I think you have over reacted. With this in mind I think you need to think really carefully about why.

From reading your OP it sounds like, they are is an imbalance of ‘time off’ from
kids / work. That maybe your DP prioritises himself and you have to prioritise the children and when you do need to prioritise yourself to prevent burn out, recover from illness you are still
left at the bottom of the pile.

I left a ten year relationship (2 kids) because my ex spoilt Xmas. Written like that it’s an over reaction but like everything in life their was a huge backstory and that was the straw that broke the camels back…

You need to stop getting up at 5am because he went out the previous night. Do you get nights out too?

I’ve been horrifically ill with infections before so it isn’t “just” a tonsil infection (I feel like someone said it was but can’t be bothered to look through the posts again 🤣)

I get he can’t afford to turn it down, but he could have said it a bit more nicely. I’d probably have him take the kids to my parents to stay for a few days so I could properly rest.

I don’t really understand. Has he gone today? When does the work need doing? Can’t you go back to bed today and he travels there tomorrow and stays overnight or whatever he needs to? Your parents help tomorrow if needed. Can a friend help with school run? It’s not ideal but stick the little one in front of the telly whilst you lie on the sofa.

And definitely makes plans to go back to work so you have an independent income

You’re contradicting yourself a bit here. You say you’re not a ‘helpless little housewife’ but you want him to cancel a £5k job to ‘look after you’…

Also yes, you rearrange work if you are unwell, but calling off work because your wife has a sore throat is flaky as hell. Reputation is everything when you’re self-employed, and the money will soon dry up if he’s cancelling jobs at short notice.

You're in debt and you'd rather he stay home than earn £5,000?
Dear lord, you sound like a complete child.

He sounds like a bit of a babysitter dad, however in my world £5k is a huge amount of money so if DH had the chance to earn that or stay at home to look after me when I was ill I'd be pushing him out the door!

I can only imagine you'd have to be fairly well off to not be bothered about warning £5k

Thanks for everyone’s replies! I appreciate them all.

The awkward thing about his work is for the 26 years he’s done this business he never knows when any money is coming in, ever, and we accept that risk day to day, week to week.

I never ask him for time; apart from the weekends he normally has the kids for half a day to let me relax. But then again; I also give him at least a full day and night to himself also, a bit like yesterday, he left after laying in bed until 9am then went straight out to a pool match. Didn’t come in until 1am so I gave him another lie in this morning even though I started to feel absolutely horrible. I’m never sick in a “I need to be in bed” way. It’s been years.

It hit me that it didn’t matter that I couldn’t get out of bed. He was unwilling to try to re-negotiate the time or ring the lady he was dealing with and ask if he could pick up this item he’s buying and selling maybe tomorrow or the day after. It was just I have to go you’ll have to ring your parents”.

Now he accuses me of getting aggressive but I’m just so sick and tired of this and feel like it’s all put before me. I told him “you’d ditch me over 2k” and he said “course it’s a lot of money” I thought Y’know what, glad to know where I stand. I wonder what the price would be for him staying back in a few years and looking after me and the kids? Would he do it for £500 loss? I don’t know. It’s just so romantic to know your price. Wasn’t banking on that after 15 years together.

I told him he can’t tell me what to do anymore and I can go out and make my own 5k’s if it’s all so important. And forget it next time he “needs to be poorly” all weekend because I won’t be in the mood. It’s an inconvenience to me and my time is valuable too, just like his.

I know I come across as harsh maybe I am, maybe all women would adore this because they get materialistic things. I’ve lived that life and it’s not worth it. Time and care is more important to me.

I’m just human and needed help today, haven’t asked for it in 2 years I look after the kids constantly whilst he’s had whole weekends in bed. Obviously the favour is not returned just because I’m not working at the moment.

I would adore to see the tables turned and him have to look after 3 kids all under 6 while he was feeling the worst he’s felt in years. I would never do that to him but I know I don’t get the same.

Marriage vows of in sickness and health don’t seem to be working out right now. I’m doing what I need to do regardless of whether you are sick or not seems to be more like it.

I would stick by him if he had cancer and lost all our money. I wonder if he would now do the same for me or leave me with the kids?

£5k is two months wages for my DH, so yeah, he would be going to work. I get that you are pissed off, and it is understandable if you have been accommodating to him, but if you talk to him about this now you are going to make a dick of yourself. Get better and set out to him what you need in future in a calm and rational way. All this "I know my price now" talk is just hysterical bollocks, I'll put it down to your feverish state.

His job is highly unusual, he creates his own working hours is his own boss - it’s basically like being a lone sales person, he deals in antiques. He can easily re-arrange deals to suit him I see in 15 years but not me. I’ll remember this.