Husband Prioritising Work Over Me Being Sick!

[Whateverrrrr]

First post! Help!

Do I have a right to be furious?

I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years, with him for 15. I’m 34 with three children ages 6, 4 and 2.

I am hardly ever properly ill, ever. I get run down a lot but completely carry on like most women. I’m a stay at home Mum and my husband owns his own business that he’s building back financially from the sh*t show that was Covid!!!

He springs on me today, after yes, having the kids for me because I woke up for the first time in years genuinely feeling so unwell. Tonsils like golf balls, fever, shivering, aches all over. He tells me he has to now go “be away for 2 days to do this deal I can’t miss it because it’s £5,000 so call your Mum I can’t help”.

I got up at 5am with all of them to give him a lay in because he was out the night before, feeling like hell. Only a couple of weekends back I had all the kids from Friday through till Monday and let him sleep all the time because he had a “stomach ache” but by the way, happened to suddenly be well enough Sunday night after all the kids got out to bed to go PLAY POOL AT THE PUB?!

He provides for us but this has struck a raw horrible nerve with me that 5k is more important than me so bye! No discussion. Won’t consider other ways to postpone the deal, nothing. I have to fire it out and this is something he “needs to do”

It feels so pathetic and weak the way he says he might not get this chance again this month. I want a guy who will drop stuff for me and not stress and fritter about money. I secretly wish he’d say; “Darling, it’s 5k, can be made next week, you rest up I’ll call them and say I can’t make it”

No such thing. I’m so upset, he’s still going.

Am I being unreasonable? We had a roaring argument and I told him I’ll remember the next time you’re poorly and that basically it’s obviously I’m
not allowed to be sick. There is always “something on that is very important”

I told him this will be the most expensive 5k you ever make when I throw this marriage down the drain, take half of the house and let you know how far now we’re all on each others priority lists!

I told him if someone offered me 5k or to look after him and the kids because he was very sick I wouldn’t have to think. It’s be him and the kids. Obviously that’s not reciprocated. I am furious. Do I have any right to be?

Thanks Mums x

Wow in debt and thinking that 5k is nothing I can see how you have got in this predicament.

if you are truly unhappy leave get a job but before you go back to the adult industry get some counselling to make sure that you are working purely because it is a job you enjoy and not due to the trauma in your childhood

Oh come on, as a one off at the very least, he can put his family first 🙄

This.

I’m sorry, this is a rare one for me, but I do think you’re BU.

5K is 5K, that’s six months rent for some people. You say your work is unpredictable, so when he has to go he has to go. You’re also a stay at home mum, part of the deal is that the working partner works and the stay at home partner does the bulk of the home stuff. In this day and age it’s a privileged position. I realise that you’re ill, but in your position I’d be telling them to get out there and work.

I mean I don’t know in what world you can afford to turn down five thousand pounds, but it’s not one that I’m familiar with.

Why are you letting your sexually abusive dad look after your kids?

You are bloody unreasonable and quite spiteful . If you were a single mum you’d have to do everything on your own and sounds like now you will . Your husband is trying to provide for his family and deemed you having a cold as being ok to work. If he’s right and you can call your mum to help then you didn’t need him. Grow up

I’m a stay at home Mum and my husband owns his own business that he’s building back financially from the sht show that was Covid!!!*

Read this again op. You’re a sahm. You are fully dependant on your dh. It sucks, but it’s what you decided.

Call your parents, if they are happy to help you it’s not a big deal. Can’t believe you slagged your working dh off to your dad. What a shitty thing to do.

She was apparently prepared to drag her parents over then ask them to leave again.

I think you need therapy if this isn’t a made up story. It sounds like a reality drama, your dad sexually abused you, you worked in sex industry so now your husband won’t let you go back. You have a family now and your husband is trying his best to look after you all. Your expectations are way way too high. 5k for you isn’t a lot but for most it’s loads. Grow up, get therapy and work on your damn marriage

You cannot blame your DH for 'not letting you work'. You have 3 children and are talking about doing sex work. Get some self respect and think about your poor children when they find out what you do/did for work. There are many many other jobs out there - how about you take one of those and support your husband in actually paying for a family. Good luck looking after the children alone going forward when you are single and ill.

You're being pathetic OP.

Oh no Lord where did someone say my husband is a pedophile?!

Definitely NOT! He is a doting father when he is here, but it’s work first. Work first.

My Dad - I’m not getting into it in the details here but basically sometimes when things happen as a young child you can think it was a dream or doubt yourself. It’s highly debated in fields of psychology so there is a confusion there about that. And also; a lot of women who go on to work in those kinds of fields were often abused. It’s not uncommon.

My Mum and Dad have kindly came and done nothing. It’s 6.20 and my Mum has nagged me about my washing pile. My Dad is now accepting me make him a coffee. The kids were screaming and getting out of hand and nothing was being done. They just want me around, are used to me being around. My Mum is panicking and saying “we don’t know how to put them to bed” I’ve just taken a heavy pain killer and done tea for the kids and started a bath running. Obviously I will have to be in hospital to receive any kind of care. I get it!

Everyone else is super humans I see from this thread and think you should sit back and take I’ll treatment as long as you get a nice bank balance at the end of it.

I’m not for that and I like nice things like the next person, don’t get me wrong, but not at the disposal of my principles and stomping on what I want in a loving, and caring relationship. He is his own boss, he can “bend the rules” he’s not getting fired or ultimately losing the deal. He could have re-arranged or even made an attempt too. He didn’t. That’s all I need to know.

And another poster is right. I shouldn’t have got myself up knowing I didn’t feel right at 5am to let him lie in till 9. I do too much of that trying to accommodate everyone. I’ve just made my Mum and Dad some food because I felt bad. I wish I could now tell my husband and them to all go away I just want to sleep and be done with it.

No use asking for help. There seems to be only us in this life.

No ones said your husband is? But you are meh about thinking your dad is, and letting him take care of your children? Unless you are being truly awful and only saying this to excuse your 'high paying' sex work job?

Obviously I will have to be in hospital to receive any kind of care. I get it!
You're not going to get admitted to hospital for feeling a bit shit!

You think you'll be fawned over in hospital?

And as for this Do I have a right to be furious? The overwhelming response is no - you don't. (I'll bet at least half the women on here are having a tougher time than you right now)

I was a glamour model did topless shoots. I class it as the sex industry I did a few other things sometimes as well.

I don’t think that’s shameful I did it between the ages of 18-23 and I would tell anyone I did it.

I can support myself in other ways as well. I have a real estate license. We both decided jointly I would stay home - it’s what we both wanted and could afford.

Now things got rough because during Covid my husband couldn’t go out and make any money so we did what most couldn’t do and lived on generally what we had which was, a lot by most people’s standards I imagine. Now he is back on track this year but obviously stressed. I have supported him through all his ups and downs with work for 15 years. This is a 15 year relationship and a 10 year marriage. It’s not nothing.

I have a strained relationship with my parents because of this past and also, I can’t count on them for help. My Mum flys into a ms cleaning frenzy panic, the kids go wild because they are left to it and my Dad expects to sit there and look at his phone. My 2 year old especially can’t just be left to do whatever. We have a fairly big house so they can get into all kinds of mischief if left to just run around like crazed loons past their bedtime.

I have had tonsillitis before I’ll go to the doctors on Monday get some anti biotics. I just wanted a half days rest to get through the fever and the chills. I can technically get out of bed, I never meant to say I was so deathly sick. I feel horrendous but I can still do things if pushed. I just wanted that gesture from him to be here for me when for so many years I have done that for him when poorly. Obviously because I no longer make any money it’s putting my priorities and feelings about this down.

I think the general consensus is: suck it up and be grateful you’re getting 5K.

And someone asked whether it was 5K profit. Well, it could be next week, or next year. It could turn into 20K profit in 5 years, or it could break even. The nature of his work is all over the place, it’s definitely not a straight forward job. He is paying out £850 for an item he thinks is roughly worth £5,000. The way buying stock is, you don’t know when someone will buy what you have. He has some pieces he bought 10 years ago and hasn’t sold, he has some things he buys and a few hours later he has a buyer and sells it on, and many other shades inbetween. Very risky, all over the place, everyday, every week. No heat is ever the same apart from he roughly pulls in 6 figures. Some years very good, some years worse.

My Dads not looking after my kids I’m down here doing it this is the thing - I have no alternative support apart from my husband. My in laws are too old with too many health problems.

The argument for being a single Mum is - I suppose you accept there is no help. I’m supposed to have a husband here in sickness and health - obviously not. He works away a lot. I have no other support network. I feel almost like a single mother anyway.

He does it because you’ve let him do it. Look at the language you use.

He springs on me today, after yes, having the kids for me because I woke up for the first time in years genuinely feeling so unwell.

HE ISN’T HAVING THE KIDS FOR YOU. IT’S CALLED PARENTING!

I'm with this I'm afraid. My DH used to be away abroad with work when my kids were small and I remember very clearly one time having chronic neurovirus sickness and I kid you not I could hardly lift my arms up never mind look after 3 toddlers for 4 days. Worst ever. But sometimes it's just the way it is unfortunately

Lordy the dramz.

@Whateverrrrr it was me who thought you said your husband was a pedophile (as well as your own Dad) because your sentence wasn't clear.

Your husband doesn't want you going back to working in the sex industry so is knocking himself out to keep you in the style to which you've become accustomed. We get it.

You've got the flu. You're ill. We get it. You are not the only woman to have children, a working husband and flu. How do you think single mothers whose parents aren't living within a spitting distance cope? It's not nice being ill with kids, but every single mother on this fucking website has experienced it.

And whatever you've got, it's not real flu. You wouldn't have been concocting massive long ranty posts all freaking day.

Get a lemsip down you and stop whining.

I have read all the OP replies and I can’t help but feel like you’re massively overreacting. If my DH owned his own business and would lose out on £5k when I was ill, I would be telling him to go and I’ll be fine! If I was hospitalised, it would be different but I’d cope for a few days of feeling crap. I’m of the mindset that paying bills is a top priority though. That’s the risk of being self-employed and the sole earner.

This is the thing, when your job is to stay at home and be a traditional mother you do feel guilty asking your long working hours husband to take over. He goes away for days and I have three kids to take care of and I let him rest another day once he’s back home.

Hence today, first time in 2 years, I can’t get a half day in bed with an infection. So that’s just the way it is?

I would not personally do this to him, if the tables were turned and I was the one working. I have ear t similar amounts to him and would not have put the 5K ahead of him but, suppose money is very important. I just don’t see it that way. I don’t ask for this often. I thought he would be able to re-arrange something, it’s not like he has a 9-5 or a boss to answer too.

This says a lot to me even if others don’t agree. Everyone is caught up on the amount. If there was no money involved everyone would be saying he was terrible. There have often been much much bigger amounts involved and I have dropped things and helped him. He seems to be able to re-arrange and no have to go do “desperate deals” when he is sick, like a whole weekend, a few weekends ago. Magically when he is poorly, work can stop. Funny that.

I personally am not going to accept it.

And someone asked whether it was 5K profit. Well, it could be next week, or next year. It could turn into 20K profit in 5 years, or it could break even. The nature of his work is all over the place, it’s definitely not a straight forward job. He is paying out £850 for an item he thinks is roughly worth £5,000. The way buying stock is, you don’t know when someone will buy what you have.

wait, have i misunderstood this? You mean he isn't out earning £5k today? He is spending £850 hoping to sell it for £5k at some point?

Magically when he is poorly, work can stop. Funny that.

This isn’t the same. If you’re too ill to work, that’s how it is. Unfortunately, being a SAHM doesn’t come with sick pay perks. It’s great if your partner can support you when you’re ill but not if it will hinder earnings.

Yes - that is his whole livelihood. Everything has a potential. He says what he is buying is worth 5k and technically it is, doesn’t mean he can sell it next week or even next month. If he does, great. But being self employed in his area of work is extremely strange and, if you’re not an art dealer or someone dealing in stocks like this where you buy something of age to sell on to only a minimal set of clientele - it’s hard to explain without going into detail.

It is worth 5K but it doesn’t mean we get 5k now. He’s off “for the deal”. Everything is a deal. He’s a salesman, basically, in the art and antique world. He buys things then sells them on. This isn’t a regular salary job. He’s done this 26 years and the whole 15 years I’ve been with him. He could sell it for more or less; we don’t know, all I know is he wouldn’t call the seller and try to re-arrange for tomorrow to let me rest up he “had to go or she might change her mind” so that’s what he did.

I understand if you work a salary office type job you can’t just call in sick and say sorry; I had to look after my wife and kids for 4 hours but, he’s not in that type of work. Everything is bloody “maybe”.