Accused of financial abuse and theft by my sister

[Mayamymay]

Hi, I hope you’ve all enjoyed Christmas. I actually thought I’d posted last night, but it’s nowhere to be seen!!

A few years ago I fell into some financial difficulties and had a lot of debt at high interest rates. My poor credit rating meant that I wasn’t able to move the debt to a cheaper option.

My parents are retired, comfortable with no debt, but by no means rich. I adore them both. They were keen to help and allowed me to take a loan and a few 0% cards (all with relatively low limits) in their names to save on interest costs. I manage the accounts Online and make the payments directly from my account. They are very clear that they’re pleased to help, but that they see it as their debt in name only. There is no cost to them whatsoever. The payments are made on time. I’ll occasionally use the cards if necessary. We’ve had the awful conversation about inheritance etc and I’ve been clear that if my parents died then any outstanding debt but be cleared from my share of the inheritance. My siblings would not be impacted whatsoever.

my sister has found out about our arrangement as has kicked off, accusing me of being a thief and a financial abuser. Our relationship has been strained for a while now. Dh says that she’s just spiteful and needs go fuck off, but she’s hit a nerve and I can’t stop crying.

is my husband right, and should have just ignore her?

If you are in position to up your payments when you have an unexpected or incidental expense you are currently using the cards for then you need a plan. Watch the videos on this site You need a budget - 4 rules. instead of upping your payment after the fact, take that extra money and SAVE it now. Ideally work out the incidentals and start planning for them.

Abusive? No.

potentially stupid and or naive? Maybe.

is this your debt (exclusively) or your DH’s as well?

either way: you need to pay this off asap. That has to be your priority.

Sorry, I’m just struggling to keep up. I’ve paid off about 40% of the debt total since the end of 2021. I should achieve debt freedom in 2026

are you sure that you can’t do this sooner?

and you really should not use the cards for family purchases or payments / anything non-debt related.
This creates an incredibly intransparent situation that may fuck you and your parents in the case of divorce, death, disability etc.

This is unfair on your parents. Of course they want to help but you're reducing their credit score to help yourself. And if you're still using the cards, you're not desperate!

Sis is right to be concerned. Despite whatever conversation you've had with your parents, she has no commitment that you would pay the estate back if your parents died.

I'm sensitive to this as I cleared debt for a parent twice and each time they just got new credit cards out. You must stop using the cards, OP. Big spends need to be planned for and wait until after payday.

Seconded!

No it isn’t.

if the parents didn’t know it would be.

If you repay the debt in full and do not reborrow, I do not think there is anything to be ashamed about.

I think you should focus on clearing it as fast as possible.

No, you should be ashamed for kicking someone when they're already down.

OP - would your parents tell your DSis plainly that it is all with their consent and understanding? And as such not her business to worry about? I would hate my adult children to be under this sort of tension and friction.

I can see that there is a history of bad blood between you and your DSis, but in truth I would feel protective of my parents and somewhat suspicious if they had taken on £20k debt from my sibling.

Meanwhile you really must be organised and stick to your schedule and not be using the card for further purchase. I too have bailed family (my parents) out wrt CC debts and not been repaid. They couldn't repay it, they just couldn't, I knew that, but my Mum's sadness and shame, which I couldn't reassure her out of, made me sad to see. I didn't want her to live with that.

It runs deep.

Your life will be so much better in so many ways the faster you pay this off. I would be trying to add 10% over my schedule with selling things on eBay, taking on an extra shift here and there or cutting a subscription or budget. But maybe you already do all this.

Good luck, anyway.

But they have. Because you’ve coerced them into it.

What happens if you lose your job? Or your marriage fails? Or you aren’t able to work for some reason?

Im completely with your sister. To put your parents in this position is appalling.

No you aren’t. Your parents are.

I pointed this out way upthread - that the debt is in their names which makes them liable for it if the OP defaults. The fact that the OP is paying them back doesn't alter that.

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain exactly.
The OP is posting that the parents had no intention of taking out debt - oh the irony.
That's exactly what they've done, shouldering all the pressure and risk while the OP carries on using their credit cards.
Shameful.

The parents are at risk here. If op defaults due to illness / accident/ divorce / job loss the parents are still stuck with and liable for the debt. The credit card provider won’t care or let them off their contract is with the parents. Is there an agreement or arrangement for op to repay them if she defaults? I suspect not. The risk is all the parents - they are basically guarantors for the op. It’s shameful. That’s why the sister is pissed off. I can only assume those defending this have done this themselves.

This is what everyone is missing and no doubt what OP's sister has picked up on, the OP is now debt free with all the credit cards, etc., she had debt with, the OP's parents are now the ones with the debt against their names and on their credit files.

Madness for the parents to have agreed and put themselves in this position and reprehensible of the OP to have asked and allowed them to do so.

Thanks for the posts. I’m meeting my dad later for a chat about it all,which will include how we formalise the agreement. Some of the posts have been difficult to read, but I accept everyone’s views. It’s not ideal but i genuinely never set set out to abuse ir take advantage. I was just trying to get out of a hole and my parents were/are happy to help.

I feel awful, wretched a d ashamed, but I will make this right

You’ve basically transferred your own (and your husbands?) debt onto your parents. Your parents are fortunate to have your sister looking out for their interests.

This is the bottom line, OP.

Is your sister aware of your marriage difficulties?

Could you honestly continue repaying if your marriage fails?

Now that you have had several years of not having debt on your name, and a secure employment record, could you transfer the debt back to your name? Re-mortgage your house and release the remaining £12k?

In talking to your Dad be careful not to make him feel that he needs to say 'it's OK, we will bear the brunt'. Why do you need to talk to your Dad? Just sort our speedy repayment on your own terms!

My mum is in Australia

Are you all in Australia, then?

I think it's morally wrong what you've done OP and I'm glad you're starting to see that (or it appears so).

The best way out of this is for your parents to use savings to pay off the cards, close all the accounts and make a formal loan agreement to you for that amount. Through their kindness (naivety...) they have put themselves in a potentially very difficult situation.

You say about "formalising" this with your dad - there is no way to transfer the debt liability to you that would see you liable rather than them if you become unable to pay due to a change of circumstances. They are stuck with the debt - they can't go to the finance company and say "but it's her debt..." Putting it in the will is a red herring - it's the consequences while they are still alive that's the important bit.

The bit where it goes really wrong for me is that you're still using the cards and then saying you're financially fine/astute/insert other ridiculous notion that you've got it all under control. The fact you're using credit to tide you over is a sure sign your finances are chaotic and you've not learned - which is generally what happens when an easy solution to large debt comes along.

I can almost guarantee once the debt is paid off you will use those cards to run it up again. You've presumably told your parents them taking out the cards is the end of it once and for all but your behaviour says otherwise.

You don't feel so bad though that you haven't stopped using the cards. Why don't you cut up the cards?

At one point a long time ago, I was terrible with money with credit cards, a huge overdraft and a massive mortgage on my own.

I had a massive light bulb moment and panic attack and when I calmed down I found Money Saving Expert website and forum and basically went all out to clear my credit cards and then over draft. That includes getting a lodger and spending a pittance on food and no luxuries like takeaways, shop bought sandwiches and clothes. I posted on the debt free wannabe boards regularly, joined challenges and sold everything I could.

It was a massive relief to get those cleared and then I saved for an emergency fund. I then joined the ranks of the mortgage free wannabes and eventually cleared that. I’m now a saver and although I’m not so hardcore and am now married and in another mortgage free property, I’m still fairly careful

it is possible to completely change your financial habits. There are different support groups Dave Ramsey (American financial guy) has YouTube channel and books as well as UK support groups on Facebook or Money Saving Expert etc. I would join as many as you can and get support and encouragement to get the debt cleared as quickly as you can and make good financial habits for the future. There will be tips on making extra money, decluttering challenges, bank switching, going through your spending and reducing bills, zero based budgeting.

I don’t think what you did was financially abusive, but as far as your sister is concerned she is going to be judging every penny you spend now and be thinking, that Costa takeaway could have been skipped and paid off the debt and that is likely to be thrown back at you, so clear it asap for your own sake.

Hopefully you will feel better when you have spoken to your Dad @Mayamymay

It's more common than people might think and it's nothing to do with your sister - entirely up to your parents what they do financially if they are of sound mind
It may help once it's officially written down just to placate your sister (although sounds like probably a long back-story on your relationship)

My Dad lent my sister £15k once to pay off her kitchen. I know she saved up and paid him back (& he was quite surprised!) They lent my step-sister £100k for a deposit on a flat - think she's paying it back too; but it's none of my business what they do with their money

Either way - it was understood things would be taken into account at inheritance stage if it happened. And if they had wanted to just gift it, it would have been none of my business either!

If you're meeting your dad later, I think you should go with a plan. Don't go for a chat and let him agree to things carrying on as they are. Which sounds likely as he obviously cares deeply for you and can see that you're struggling.

Suggest ways you can take the burden from them sooner than 2026.

• Cut up the cards
• Get 0%card or loan in your name to transfer the debt back to you
• Get DH to take back some of the debt
• Talk with a debt charity to find a better solution that doesn't put your parents' money at risk.
• Create a budget (if you don't already have one) that is manageable and can accommodate all of your household expenses without having to use the cards.
• Build up some savings for emergencies
• Get better paid work/second job

If I were you, I'd call your sis and tell that on reflection you can see why she was worried about your parents. Tell her you're looking again at the situation to take the worry off of your parents shoulders.