Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

Accused of financial abuse and theft by my sister

382 replies

Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 09:57

Hi, I hope you’ve all enjoyed Christmas. I actually thought I’d posted last night, but it’s nowhere to be seen!!

A few years ago I fell into some financial difficulties and had a lot of debt at high interest rates. My poor credit rating meant that I wasn’t able to move the debt to a cheaper option.

My parents are retired, comfortable with no debt, but by no means rich. I adore them both. They were keen to help and allowed me to take a loan and a few 0% cards (all with relatively low limits) in their names to save on interest costs. I manage the accounts Online and make the payments directly from my account. They are very clear that they’re pleased to help, but that they see it as their debt in name only. There is no cost to them whatsoever. The payments are made on time. I’ll occasionally use the cards if necessary. We’ve had the awful conversation about inheritance etc and I’ve been clear that if my parents died then any outstanding debt but be cleared from my share of the inheritance. My siblings would not be impacted whatsoever.

my sister has found out about our arrangement as has kicked off, accusing me of being a thief and a financial abuser. Our relationship has been strained for a while now. Dh says that she’s just spiteful and needs go fuck off, but she’s hit a nerve and I can’t stop crying.

is my husband right, and should have just ignore her?

OP posts:
Catsknowbest · 29/12/2023 10:35

Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:12

I know that’s a risk but I’m on a secure job and am on top of my finances so I think that’s very unlikely. I do know it’s a risk though and it’s one of the things that we discussed

If you're in a secure job and on top of your finances why haven't you taken out a personal loan by now to refinance it all in your own name?

Original poster
Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:35

So the total debt in my parents name was 20k at the start and now stands at just over 12k. We’ve just moved 7k of it into a new 0% deal for 17mnths.

OP posts:
14Q · 29/12/2023 10:35

Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:28

Sorry, I’m just struggling to keep up. I’ve paid off about 40% of the debt total since the end of 2021. I should achieve debt freedom in 2026

That's good that you have made a significant dent in the debt but that's still a long way to go. Is there anyway you can pay it off quicker? Are you really doing everything you can.

We lent a significant amount of money to my BIL and SIL and he then put in a new attic and went on holiday. His wife also received a decent inheritance 🤦🏻‍♀️ He's never paid us back. 😭😭😭. At least you are actively paying yours back.

What about giving your sister some more info. Maybe if she had the facts and figures she wouldn't feel you are taking your parents for a ride.

LakeTiticaca · 29/12/2023 10:35

I would say that as long as your parents have capacity and are fully on board with it , you've nothing wrong . I would however, suggest scaling back on using the credit cards and concentrate on clearing your debts completely

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 29/12/2023 10:36

Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:28

Sorry, I’m just struggling to keep up. I’ve paid off about 40% of the debt total since the end of 2021. I should achieve debt freedom in 2026

Christ on a bike!
Just how much did you ‘borrow’ if it’s going to take 5 years to repay them?
*cross posted.

14Q · 29/12/2023 10:36

Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:35

So the total debt in my parents name was 20k at the start and now stands at just over 12k. We’ve just moved 7k of it into a new 0% deal for 17mnths.

That doesn't sound too bad tbh. The 0% is so valuable.

Horriblewoman · 29/12/2023 10:37

I really love my sister and we get on well but if I found out she has this agreement with our parents I’d be horrified.

They are now accountable for your debt, not you. And you’re still adding more debt to it by using the cards which seems like a bit of a piss take!

Original poster
Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:37

Yes I might do that when things have settled a bit

OP posts:
Darkandstormynite · 29/12/2023 10:38

Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:35

So the total debt in my parents name was 20k at the start and now stands at just over 12k. We’ve just moved 7k of it into a new 0% deal for 17mnths.

@Mayamymay

Let's say hypothetically you were unable to pay for whatever reason.

How would that impact your parents?

Would they be able to pay the debt in the worst case scenario?

Would it leave them in financial hardship?

I think this is key.

FuckingHellAdele · 29/12/2023 10:38

@Mayamymay just as an aside, it's not always possible to see who you are replying to when the thread is moving fast. There is a quote function (tap the three dots) which could help

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/12/2023 10:38

Instead of making this yet another incident that drives you both further apart, maybe try to engage with her? I don’t know either of you or if it would work, but maybe sit down. Say something like ‘When you called me a financial abuser it made me feel XXX. I realise that finding out must have been a shock but I have been paying this down regularly and I’m just trying to get back on my feet. Your reaction was very strong - how did you feel when you found out? Have you often felt that way about me in the past?’

If someone tried that cod therapy speak on me after my finding out they had landed not well off parents with debt and a potential trashed credit rating because they aren't mature and adult enough to sort their financial issues out they'd be getting an earful - starting with 'I called you an abuser because IMO that's what you are.'

Scrantonicity2 · 29/12/2023 10:38

Well done on what you have cleared!
How interested are your parents as to the facts and financials? Are they able to check the balance owing etc and see the regular payments? It might reassure your sister if they are actively monitoring it as well, otherwise it does sound a bit like you have free reign over their credit.

Jackiebrambles · 29/12/2023 10:38

I don’t blame your sister, I’d be quite concerned if this was happening in my family!

What’s to stop you running up loads of debt in their names, especially since you are still using them if big bills come in?

Catsknowbest · 29/12/2023 10:38

Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:24

We discussed that but they were very clear that they had no intention of taking out debt (for themselves) at their age etc

But they have- legally and in any way that actually matters

IMustDoMoreExercise · 29/12/2023 10:39

Just ignore your sister. It is not financial abuse if your parents are compos mentis.

Hopefully your parents have wills, so they can just add a letter to the will and say that if there are any debts o/s on their death then they will be offset against your share of inheritance.

Original poster
Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:39

My total debts including those in my own name were 40k at one point. I left a previous abusive relationship with a lot of debt and struggled to get in track. Not proud of that figure, but that’s my reality

OP posts:
Original poster
Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:40

Honestly they are not interested at all but I do make a point of discussing it with my dad very regularly.

OP posts:
14Q · 29/12/2023 10:41

Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:39

My total debts including those in my own name were 40k at one point. I left a previous abusive relationship with a lot of debt and struggled to get in track. Not proud of that figure, but that’s my reality

You've done really well then.

Original poster
Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:42

I really don’t feel that I’ve abused my parents, but I’m devastated that others may see it that way

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/12/2023 10:44

Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:42

I really don’t feel that I’ve abused my parents, but I’m devastated that others may see it that way

Did your parents let you have £ 40K to clear your debts??

MyLibrarywasdukedomlargeenough · 29/12/2023 10:45

I think what you have done has the potential for far too much to go wrong plus when people, die even the most civilised fall out. Your parents are not well off because if they were and had wanted to assist they would have paid the debt off from savings.

It is completely appalling that you have used the card.

MayThe4th · 29/12/2023 10:45

Firstly, what arrangement you and your parents have come to regarding your debt is none of your sister’s business. Assuming that your parents are of sound mind and have capacity the arrangement is between you and them.

Secondly however, if you’ve taken out loans and credit cards of £20k and you’re still using those credit cards, then you’re not on top of your debt. Plus using a credit card in someone else’s name is fraud. Added to which, if that credit card was compromised/cloaned in any way your parents wouldn’t have a leg to stand on with regards to getting that money back, as they have knowingly given the details to a third party.

So pay back the debt, but you absolutely have to cut up the credit cards. And you need to make adjustments to your lifestyle to account for the fact that you can’t afford to put things on a credit card. If you can’t afford it, then you can’t have it. That’s unfortunately the price you have to pay for getting so far into debt.

Darkandstormynite · 29/12/2023 10:46

@Mayamymay

I think these questions are really important.

Let's say hypothetically you were unable to pay for whatever reason.

How would that impact your parents?

Would they be able to pay the debt in the worst case scenario?

Would it leave them in financial hardship?

I think posters need to know this to really understand the situation.

If you're unwilling to answer then I think that's confirmed the situation.

TheaBrandt · 29/12/2023 10:46

How can taking out debts in someone else’s name not be fraud? I would be horrified if my sister was doing this and would think very badly of her. Awful.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/12/2023 10:47

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/12/2023 10:44

Did your parents let you have £ 40K to clear your debts??

Show quote history

Ignore, just seen it's £ 20K