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Original poster

Accused of financial abuse and theft by my sister

382 replies

Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 09:57

Hi, I hope you’ve all enjoyed Christmas. I actually thought I’d posted last night, but it’s nowhere to be seen!!

A few years ago I fell into some financial difficulties and had a lot of debt at high interest rates. My poor credit rating meant that I wasn’t able to move the debt to a cheaper option.

My parents are retired, comfortable with no debt, but by no means rich. I adore them both. They were keen to help and allowed me to take a loan and a few 0% cards (all with relatively low limits) in their names to save on interest costs. I manage the accounts Online and make the payments directly from my account. They are very clear that they’re pleased to help, but that they see it as their debt in name only. There is no cost to them whatsoever. The payments are made on time. I’ll occasionally use the cards if necessary. We’ve had the awful conversation about inheritance etc and I’ve been clear that if my parents died then any outstanding debt but be cleared from my share of the inheritance. My siblings would not be impacted whatsoever.

my sister has found out about our arrangement as has kicked off, accusing me of being a thief and a financial abuser. Our relationship has been strained for a while now. Dh says that she’s just spiteful and needs go fuck off, but she’s hit a nerve and I can’t stop crying.

is my husband right, and should have just ignore her?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:24

We discussed that but they were very clear that they had no intention of taking out debt (for themselves) at their age etc

OP posts:
CornishPorsche · 29/12/2023 10:24

This is not fraud. It's completely legal and quite common.

DH did this for me about 8yrs ago when we were dating - I had an appalling credit rating and £12k of credit card debt on high interest cards. He put them onto 0% in his name and I paid it all off. It was such a huge gift to me, and it was gone in 18months.

However, the two cards were cut up and no additional borrowing made by me for many years. We are now married with a joint mortgage, we have a car on finance in my name but joint paid, and a loan for a bathroom renovation in his name but joint paid.

You need to cut up any credit cards you have and sort out your spending ASAP. It's none of your sisters business, but you should still be priorising paying this off.

I know parents have lent my brother big sums of money in the past for his business, but that's nothing to do with me. If he didn't pay it off I'd be furious but it's not my money an nothing to do with me that they have agreed things like that between themselves.

I assume your parents are not mentally vulnerable or being taken advantage of here....

AngelontopoftheTree · 29/12/2023 10:25

Another asking... where is your husband in all this??

How much is the debt in total? How much are you paying every month? And how long left to pay? 0% interest cards are usually temporary.

Also, I'd be interested in how you got into so much debt that you needed a loan plus several credit cards to pay it off yet you claim to have a secure job and are on top of your finances.

14Q · 29/12/2023 10:25

I can see why you did it and why your parents agreed but if I was your sister I really wouldn't like it. Is she close to your parents? Does she think you've all,hidden it from her?

How old are your parents?

gattocattivo · 29/12/2023 10:25

You admit this has been going on for YEARS. It's totally out of order and a complete piss take.

Original poster
Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:26

Not at all- both very ‘young’ for their ages and of totally sound mind etc

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 29/12/2023 10:26

Also if they had to get a few cards you may have used up their limit. But saying that maybe if they have no debt this will increase their credit limit providing you pay at least the minimum on all cards.
One I've not used for 2 years just reduced my limit by thousands but the other puts it up regularly as I use it and pay it back.

14Q · 29/12/2023 10:26

I guess the reason you got into debt and the amount is relevant. Have you been really serious about paying it back?

Redburnett · 29/12/2023 10:26

I would have reacted in a similar way to your sister. You should be standing on your own two feet as an adult. Taking out loans in other peoples' names because you cannot manage your own finances is appalling behaviour. The fact that you are still using cards in parents' names suggests you are still not managing your finances and living beyond your means. The best way to solve this is to take out a loan in your own name and repay everything that is your debt currently in your parents' name. It was very unwise of your parents to ever agree the arrangement without being open with your sister about it.

CharmedCult · 29/12/2023 10:26

Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:21

I would never ever see my siblings out of pocket. I’m not a bad person

I take it this means the ‘agreement’ is basically not documented anywhere.

I also take your refusal to answer any of the questions on here to mean you are hardly making a dent in the debt, and in fact reliant on these credit cards in your parents name.

In which case your sister is totally right.

Original poster
Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:27

I don’t think I/we ever thought it was her business?

OP posts:
Tempnamechng · 29/12/2023 10:27

I think it sounds as though none of you are wrong as such, you are all just trying to make the best of the situation, and obviously your sister is looking out for your parents. The best thing you can do is put everything in writing, signed by you and your parents. Detail exactly what has been loaned and when, by what means as well as how and when the money will be paid back. Try to prioritise paying off the cards with the highest interest first, and absolutely don't use them for purchases. Your sister is concerned as you having the cards could ruin you parents fiancially, and needs to be assured that them having full repayment is realistic. Speak to Citizens Advice for help in managing your debts.

LinesAndDot · 29/12/2023 10:27

gattocattivo · 29/12/2023 10:25

You admit this has been going on for YEARS. It's totally out of order and a complete piss take.

Not just that, but the OP clearly doesn’t have a plan to play it off. She’s waiting until they pass away and her inheritance will cover it. She’s planned for it.

NoTouch · 29/12/2023 10:28

If I was your sister I would also be very concerned if my sibling screwed up their own credit rating. Did not take personal responsibility for their debt by resolving themselves and moved all their debt to my parents, took out several credit cards, then continued to use the cards. Putting my pensioner parents at significant financial risk.

How much debt did you transfer to their name, how long ago, and what is the balance now? How long before it is completely cleared?

ripplingwater · 29/12/2023 10:28

Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:24

We discussed that but they were very clear that they had no intention of taking out debt (for themselves) at their age etc

Intention means nothing. All kinds of things can happen unexpectedly- roof repairs, boiler breaks down, the car dies, etc etc noone "intends" for those things to happen yet they still do

Original poster
Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:28

Sorry, I’m just struggling to keep up. I’ve paid off about 40% of the debt total since the end of 2021. I should achieve debt freedom in 2026

OP posts:
WishIMite · 29/12/2023 10:29

Yes I would be unhappy with my sibling doing this. It’s not financial abuse exactly but it’s taking the piss from potentially financially vulnerable people. Can you now work out a way to get the loan yourself?

Original poster
Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:30

That is not true at all. The conversation about inheritance etc was simply to consider what would happen if they passed away prematurely

OP posts:
ripplingwater · 29/12/2023 10:31

Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:30

That is not true at all. The conversation about inheritance etc was simply to consider what would happen if they passed away prematurely

Is it written down then? surely if you wouldn't dream of not paying it you'd write it down

Scrantonicity2 · 29/12/2023 10:31

It's not fraud but you have literally given your parents your debt. They will be liable if it's not paid. I can see why you did it but your sister is right to be concerned.

kweeble · 29/12/2023 10:32

You seem to be reliant on the cards and this should’ve been paid off as soon as possible. If I was your sister I’d be worried about the possible impact on your parents finances.
However, if they wanted to give you the money it’s no one else’s business as there’s no inheritance until they die.
It is possible they’ll need care etc and I wouldn’t trust you as POA if you can’t manage your own finances without having them involved for years.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/12/2023 10:33

Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:27

I don’t think I/we ever thought it was her business?

It potentially impacts any inheritance you and your sibings expect to receive, as any debts in your parents' name (and they ARE your parents' debts, whatever they reckon about them being 'in name' only) will have to be paid out of the estate. You haven't said how much these debts are or how much you're clearing a month, but it could be a substantial chunk if you keep using the cards and don't expect to be clear for another up to three years.

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 29/12/2023 10:33

LinesAndDot · 29/12/2023 10:27

Not just that, but the OP clearly doesn’t have a plan to play it off. She’s waiting until they pass away and her inheritance will cover it. She’s planned for it.

Show quote history

After my parents died my sibling and I unearthed the financial burden my other sibling had imposed on my parents (who were frightened of her temper and threats). It added up to nearly £100k over the years and completely scuppered their credit rating for decades.
i too would have been furious if I’d discovered this, you should be standing on your own two feet not imposing your financial responsibilities onto someone else.
I just hope to goodness that your parents never need credit in the future.

MILLYmo0se · 29/12/2023 10:34

So is it actually written into the will along the lines of 'the entire estate is to be divided equally between our children, and all debts owned on credit card A, B, C, D and loans X, Y, Z are to be taken in full from Ds share'?
Because the debts will be taken from the entire estate in probate and you walk off with no debt, the same inheritance as your siblings and a promise to pay them back the difference they should have inherited.
What happens if you get sick? Lose your job? As your parents age and need help what hapoens to their credit rating? You are struggling to manage your lifestyle even while employed given you are still using credit to make ends meet. You need financial advice, and to cut back on everything bar necessities to focus on paying off the debit in next couple of years.
I dont know if it legally counts as financial abuse given they know about it, but its borderline given you are still accessing credit in their name imo
Go speak to a professional about the situation, the stress of all this must be awful

LaughingCat · 29/12/2023 10:35

Your sister has had a massive overreaction, but it sounds like you’re aware it has nothing to do with your arrangement with your parents and everything to do with your poor relationship with her.

I would be hugely upset in your shoes but you can’t control her words or actions, you can only control how you react to them.

Instead of making this yet another incident that drives you both further apart, maybe try to engage with her? I don’t know either of you or if it would work, but maybe sit down. Say something like ‘When you called me a financial abuser it made me feel XXX. I realise that finding out must have been a shock but I have been paying this down regularly and I’m just trying to get back on my feet. Your reaction was very strong - how did you feel when you found out? Have you often felt that way about me in the past?’.

Maybe letting her know how you felt, however that was (judged, sad, hurt, angry, ashamed, mixture of everything) and finding out what she was feeling to make her lash out like that, might actually help you both to understand each other a bit more. It’s hard not to forgive when you understand the motivations.