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Original poster

(lack of) inheritance. AIBU?

130 replies

Twentysomethingx · 30/10/2023 18:41

Hello all. I'm not sure if I being totally unresonable here, please share your thoughts. It's a bit of an awkward topic and I almost feel ashamed to ask it..
My granparents died within a few months of each other just before COVID. They weren't particularly hands on but my Mum and Dad always took me to see them (they lived close by), get them involved in things etc. I am an only child.

When both died, my Dad and his sister were involved in selling their house (not worth very much - 90K) and dealing with money related things. Growing up, I always assumed that I would have some money via the will as they only ever gave me about £20 per year (£10 for xmas and £10 for birthdays) and was assured that I would 'have more money when we are gone' as my Nan would say.
I wasnt put into t
he will (neither were my cousins). Everything was left to my Dad and Aunty. A few years later and I have never had anything from this. It hurts me as I feel like I wasnt important to them, nor my Dad who clearly has no intentions of giftign me any. I feel a bit pissed off. I'm not spoilt by any means, but christ, I loved them so much and made such an effort with them (especially from my teen years onwards) and I feel disspaointed like I have never been considered in any of this.

My parents are very low income which means opportunities for them as well as me have been limited. Would I be unreasonable to ask my parents about this? I feel like, surely I deserve something?! Or, am I being entitled here? (I am not an entitled person at all, but who you grow up with no money, seeing everyone else with money having a better life, handed money and the opportunities that gives them.. I cant help but feel pissed off!).

Thoughts please!! xx

OP posts:
WrongSwanson · 30/10/2023 20:14

I have some sympathy. So many of my friends got on the housing ladder years before me, because of inheritances from grandparents. And then would act like they thought they were somehow more grown up than me because they owned a house. Inheritances can transform lives, often far more than progressing up the career ladder does. Its understandable to struggle with some emotions around them.

But I feel so much pride at having done it all by myself with zero help.

I thought £10/£20 was a reasonable birthday gift though. It's what mine get now from their (wealthy) grandparents . But it sounds like you may have been surrounded by quite wealthy/flashy people and that has affected your view of a reasonable gift

Gillypie23 · 30/10/2023 20:14

How entitled are you! It's your right to expect or be left any money. Should be ashamed of yourself.

Pineapplewaves · 30/10/2023 20:14

Have you see your GP's will? Do you think they left you something and it didn't get passed onto you? You can order a copy online for around £10.00, then you'll know without having to bring this up with anyone.....

ColleenDonaghy · 30/10/2023 20:16

Agree it's very normal to leave the entire estate to children rather than grandchildren, especially when it's on the smaller side (and I agree, £90k is a massive sum of money in itself, but very little for a house).

I hope the number of people saying that helps you feel more at ease.

Moveoverdarlin · 30/10/2023 20:16

I was close to all my grandparents, but was never left anything, neither were my siblings. It’s all gone to my parents, and then they’ll leave it to me. I think that’s quite standard practice.

Coachvikki · 30/10/2023 20:16

I think you are being unreasonable, but I edited this to soften my response as I think you have recognised it.

housethatbuiltme · 30/10/2023 20:17

I also feel like saying when my Nana died (I lived with her for part of my childhood) I got NOTHING at all.

If I could have chosen anything I would have wanted her old wood cigarette box (I bought a replica after she died even though I dont smoke) and a mug and a few photos of ME as a small child (she had huge photo albums full of thousands of pictures, many of me when I lived there). I was disowned as a baby by my dad and his sibling (took 'sides' in my parents divorce) but my nana stood by me but they distroyed even the photo albums.

Its interesting to think what you would want if you could have anything belong to a deceased family member but money doesn't pop up on that thought for me, its so impersonal. Like once again even though I don't smoke I would have had my aunts 1960 'space aged' style ashtray because I was obsessed with it as a young child. That's what my memories revolved around.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 30/10/2023 20:17

You're behaving very entitled. If they wanted you to have it they would have left it to you. £45K would have been life changing for your parents. Maybe even allowed them to buy their home. It's money they need. If they're low income enough to need benefits they wouldn't have been able to give you any anyway as it's legally theirs so gifting you some would be depriving themselves of money they could use to support themselves and would have resulted in them getting in lots of trouble.

porridgeisbae · 30/10/2023 20:17

@Twentysomethingx If it was a lot of money they could've chosen to split it between more people, but they probably didn't because it's not a massive amount.

NalafromtheLionKing · 30/10/2023 20:19

Unfortunately it sounds like they were quite poor so the reality is that making efforts with them was never going to be fruitful financially. Not sure I agree with the PPs who say that you will inherit when Ddad dies (if he doesn’t already have substantial assets and is on a very low income then the £35k or so he inherited has probably already gone).

Echio · 30/10/2023 20:20

Twentysomethingx · 30/10/2023 19:39

Thanks for your reply. From speaking with friends, I thought leaving money for grandchildren was the norm! Appreciate your view.

To be honest with you, I'm like you OP. Among my friends, it's obviously not a subject that comes up all the time, but I do know a few have been left sums of varying magnitude. Myself included - £1k, £1k and £5k from 3 out of 4 grandparents. The estates were all quite a lot larger (like, £400-£500) so I guess the equivalent would really be £250-£1k to make it level with your grandparent's estate.

So, to me, you're not at all unreasonable to question it and it's not unusual to be left something if not a sizeable amount. I wouldn't 'expect' it, but I would be thinking 'I wonder if I'll be left anything'. It's not entitled - it's something that can and does happen.

I think the problem is, with inheritance, people start trying to equate the money to how much a person was valued or loved. One isn't straightforwardly linked to the other and to rationalise it like this doesn't lead to happy conclusions. Please don't try to think like this - if you can let it go you'll have much happier associations to draw on when you think of your grandparents.

jsutbraise4 · 30/10/2023 20:20

You're grandmother shouldn't have said stuff about there being something for you when they died. That's a bit off to me.

Saying that, I do think you are being entitled. My parents received very little inheritance from their parents (token amount, many siblings), but had school and university paid for (we're not British), and my parents did the same for me so I have no student debt. To me, that's my 'inheritance' already. I don't earn a lot of money but I want my parents to enjoy the money they've made in their later years without worrying about what they are going to give me.

Fiftyvines · 30/10/2023 20:22

ZekeZeke · 30/10/2023 18:55

You sound grabby and entitled.

100% this. Very poor taste

AhBiscuits · 30/10/2023 20:24

Money is not usually left to grandchildren ime. I know my dad's will spilts everything equally between me and my 3 siblings, no specific provision for his 8 grandchildren.
You are being very entitled.

Cotswoldlife90 · 30/10/2023 20:25

My brother and I were left a token sum of money by each of our grandparents (enough for a nice holiday let's say) and the assets were shared between my parents and their siblings. My parents are leaving my DS some money in their wills to go towards things like university and a house deposit which is a massive relief for me being a single parent and working a low income job. But at the end of the day it's their money and they can do it as they please
You never know your father may leave you some ?

LifeExperience · 30/10/2023 20:29

Leaving money to grandchildren is not the norm. We are leaving money to our children only. They can leave anything that's left over to their children if they wish. It is simpler this way, and avoids the problem of leaving out grandchildren that may be born after our demise.

AlmondCherry · 30/10/2023 20:29

If grandchildren are left anything it is usually a relatively token amount - certainly much less than a child.

I only inherited from my grandparents because my parents predeceased them - really they passed it to their child and it immediately passed to me and my brother as they were dead.

DH inherited from one set of grandparents but not the other. Think it was around £2K on an estate of about £200K (two children, four grandchildren). So children inherited around £96K each compared to this £2K. Think both (nothing and the £2K were pretty normal for grandchildren.

BooBooBaloo · 30/10/2023 20:31

You are being a bit entitled as no one is due an inheritance, and it is quite common for inheritance just to go to next generation. It wasn't a large estate and you will inherit from your parents if there is anything left

Warmhandscoldheart · 30/10/2023 20:34

I hope your Dad spends every penny of his inheritance and I wish him a long and financially secure life.

Wheelz46 · 30/10/2023 20:35

Generally most wills are worded for the assets to be split equally between their children but if one child is unable to inherit, then what would have been their share would be split between their children (the deceased persons grandchildren).

Flori7 · 30/10/2023 20:35

Sorry OP but I think you are being entitled and I am surprised you have to ask if you are. I come from a background where inheritance is unheard of for anyone other than the children - if the little money someone had or small amount their home was worth hadn’t all been eaten up by care home fees. It was only when I went to university and met people from wealthier backgrounds where my mind was blown that a couple of peers inherited from distant aunts and things. But life isn’t fair and it’s not an even playing field. But I knew this when much younger than 18.

I hope to only leave inheritance to my children too and it’ll be in the form of property rather than much cash which I intend to spend, including on them when I’m alive I hope.

It’s attitudes like this which result in people making quite shocking decisions with their wills like leaving it to the cat sanctuary. I’m not even joking. You should want to spend time with your grandparents purely for the sake of it. It’s a dismaying post.

I’d be so glad that your parents are a bit more comfortable as I worry greatly about my own parents when they reach old age or if they become unwell, especially with the cost of living crisis.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 30/10/2023 20:36

I didn’t inherit from my grandparents. I think it’s a normal set up just to leave it to your children or if no will then it eventually just goes to children usually. Ironically my parents did give me a little something from my last grandparent who died but I wasn’t close to them. It was just that I was an adult and my parents are comfortable. I would value relationships on how much money you inherit.

Original poster
Twentysomethingx · 30/10/2023 21:00

Hi everyone. Thank you for your thoughts.

I wanted to clear up that I was by absolutely no means expecting inheritance to skip a generation. In my eyes, £100/£200 would be something that I would be very grateful for and perhaps I was totally wrong to think this would happen. In my social circle, all my friends have been gifted money from either grandparent will themselves or from their parent and so I assumed this was the norm. I am well aware this comes across as very distasteful. I guess this is why I asked a forum of strangers online - I would never contemplate saying these things outloud. I wanted to know if I was being unreasonable, and my answer is yes, I am! I appreciate this.

I stayed at home during university years and paid my parents the vast majority of my student loan as they were struggling financially which was my decision and I wanted to do this. I think I am frustrated with my current situation (trying very hard to better my career etc which has been a struggle). My frustration has probably been misplaced and I need to get over this.

Interesting to hear other people's perspectives. Maybe my friends aren't representative!

OP posts:
Flori7 · 30/10/2023 21:04

Twentysomethingx · 30/10/2023 21:00

Hi everyone. Thank you for your thoughts.

I wanted to clear up that I was by absolutely no means expecting inheritance to skip a generation. In my eyes, £100/£200 would be something that I would be very grateful for and perhaps I was totally wrong to think this would happen. In my social circle, all my friends have been gifted money from either grandparent will themselves or from their parent and so I assumed this was the norm. I am well aware this comes across as very distasteful. I guess this is why I asked a forum of strangers online - I would never contemplate saying these things outloud. I wanted to know if I was being unreasonable, and my answer is yes, I am! I appreciate this.

I stayed at home during university years and paid my parents the vast majority of my student loan as they were struggling financially which was my decision and I wanted to do this. I think I am frustrated with my current situation (trying very hard to better my career etc which has been a struggle). My frustration has probably been misplaced and I need to get over this.

Interesting to hear other people's perspectives. Maybe my friends aren't representative!

Hey OP, no, your friends definitely aren’t representative. I was also surprised just how many leave money to children only from your thread. The posts will be from those from all walks of life too, I am sure. So I hope this makes you feel better.

I’m really sorry to hear about your grandparents. hopefully your dad inheriting will mean they will not have to be reliant on you again.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 30/10/2023 21:06

It was wrong of your GM to hint that you were going to get something, and then not follow through. Otherwise, given that there wasn’t going to be a huge amount of money anyway, it would seem pretty reasonable for your GPs to have left it to their own children.