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Original poster

Should I halve my inheritance with my sister?

503 replies

Loluk · 07/10/2023 23:24

Hi all,

I'm in a bit of a situation and I'd like to know what your guys' opinion is on this. Because I'm genuinely torn in two.

So, for context my mother passed away 5 years ago. In my grandmother's will she was left half of the house as well as my uncle. However, it states in the will that if she (my mom) passes away before my grandmother it will automatically go to her children - my sister and I.

My grandmother was very vocal about this, hence us knowing about it.
I took over caring for my nan when my mom passed away, for the past 5 years. My sister has seen her maybe once or twice within these 5 years. My grandmother spoke to me and said she wanted to change her will so that my uncle gets half of the house and I get the other half. She wanted to cut my sister out as I'd done so much for her and my sister hadn't seen her for years.
I of course said this was a bad idea and although I get the sentiment behind it (she is a beautiful lady), it should of been my mom's money, so in turn should be both my sisters and I's money.

She went with my uncle to change the will anyway. I have told my sister as I don't want there to be any secrets between us. She obviously was not happy and refuses to see my grandmother at all now.

My dad said when I receive the money that I must give my sister half anyway as it would be majorly unfair. I said I would. But I felt pressured into saying that but not really knowing how I truly feel.
I'm not unkind but my sister is in her 30s and still living at my dad's, rent free, bill free etc. Whereas I am a homeowner who is very much struggling. The money would help me massively and would help us get back on track. But also I'm aware it's family money so it should be split between my sister and I?

Some people I've spoken to are saying, it's your grandmother's money, she can do what she wants with it. Some are saying I would be selfish to not share with my sister.

What do you guys think?

OP posts:
Fahhgedaboutit · 08/10/2023 07:08

I haven’t rtft but can’t you give her some but not half? She surely won’t know how much is going to be received, so downplay that and give her however much you’re comfortable with?

ZekeZeke · 08/10/2023 07:09

Look into the tax implications of gifting.

InNeedOfCaffeine13 · 08/10/2023 07:11

Hi there, as others have already said, I don’t think your relationship with your sister will change after giving her the money. I would give her a third (after checking what tax implications it has and removing this), give your child a third for their future and keep a third for you and DH.

Don’t really see how your dad could argue with you making sure YOUR money (by then) is being well spent on your son’s future alongside kindly helping your sister. Hopefully with all the money she has from living rent free she’ll have saved enough alongside this gift to buy a house - everyone benefits then.

I’d also have the chat with your DH and listen strongly to what he says…as he knows your family better than any of us and whatever you do will also impact him.

What your mum may or may not have done with the money is irrelevant. Not to be rude OP but it sounds like she made a fairly bad call at that time anyway.

Most importantly, enjoy this time with your DGM, I was close with my own Grandma and the time spent with her was precious.

Zonder · 08/10/2023 07:14

I am with your grandma.

If your mum had outlived her, neither of you would have inherited anything. So your mum didn't want your sister (or you) to have it.

Your dad probably wants your sister to have half to get her out of his house at last.

Your sister is getting her share of "family money" now by living off your dad. She isn't missing out.

Keep it and see it as a blessing for all the caring you have done for everyone.

RichPetunia · 08/10/2023 07:15

Split it fairly, 50/50. You have to live with your family and yourself afterwards so do the right thing.

Saturdayandallasleep · 08/10/2023 07:15

I think as others have said it depends if you value the money or your relationship with your DSis. DH his Dsis had a fall out over inheritance and the relationship has never recovered, we were once a super close family and now that’s all gone and TBH I could see it from both POV and still sad all the time that our DC now have no relationship with their cousins and my husband has nothing to do with the person he grew up closest to.

Poilin · 08/10/2023 07:16

You are being left in an awful position but you are talking about your grandmothers hard earned money I would be inclined to respect my grandmothers wishes why not make life easier for you ,your lovely husband and son instead of a sister who seems to think life owes her a living she sounds like a person who won’t think any more of you if you do give her half YOUR inheritance.your grand mother has changed her will she doesn’t want your sister to have her money be kind to your self and respect your lovely grand mothers wishes xx

Twobigbabies · 08/10/2023 07:18

I think you're making the right decision by giving your sister half. I've seen so many relationships ruined by inheritance in my family and it's an absolute tragedy. Yes, you've put the work in with your grandmother but it sounds like you have a lovely relationship and have benefitted emotionally. Your sister has missed out on this by not being involved and she will probably regret it later. My brother was always my grandmother's favourite and I slightly resented this. As a result I didn't spend enough time with her as an adult and it will always be one of my biggest regrets now she is gone. If you keep the money you will alienate your sister. Relationships don't recover from this sort of thing in my experience.

UhOhGuys · 08/10/2023 07:18

@Poilin How can her grandmother be "lovely" while also knowingly leaving her in a shit position

Kate8889 · 08/10/2023 07:20

I would never cut off a family member over how someone else bequeathed their money. I don't understand it. However that initial gifter decides is how the amount should be distributed.

Sister sounds awful to be in contact with anyway so it probably won't be a great loss. Why would you want to have a relationship with someone like that? You could put a certain amount in trust for her child.

Why would your mom transfer everything over to a bf? And then she died suddenly? Sounds very suspect tbh, was it a dv relationship?

itsallnewnow · 08/10/2023 07:23

Give your sister a token amount as a gift? No way she should get half it's disrespectful to your gran x

AnImaginaryCat · 08/10/2023 07:24

Yes you need to look into the tax implications.

Bearing in mind you are not 'splitting' the inheritance.

You will be receiving an inheritance Paying any tax implications on it. Then you will be gifting money to your sister - and paying on that and then paying any tax implications. Plus your sister might have tax implications on the money you gifting her.

Can't advise you on what tax as I'm not in the UK so don't know the ins and outs. Nor the amounts.

Also bear in mind you inherting could take time- and the costs of all that could reduce the actual what you get anyway (All depends how complicated it is.)

As an aside, I suggest you look into ways of not being such a people pleasure. It's not good got you, in fact it's probably crippling for you. Everyone suggesting you must sit it with your sister is over-simplyfing things. Your family relationships are already affected. Who is to say you won't lose what crappy relationship you have with your sister even if you give her money.

Lovesocksie · 08/10/2023 07:25

I’m with a pp sorry, I don’t think your nan should have changed her will and put you in this position.

I’m always intrigued that people think you ‘deserve’ more money as you looked after the person more. Surely we look after someone because we want to, not to get more money?? OP I know you do not think like this, but many do.

Thank goodness neither of my parents had/ have anything to leave.No arguments about the cash in my family as there isn’t any!

Practically OP it is unlikely anyone will know exact amounts so you can gift sister some. It’ll never be enough probably as some people are just weird about money.

Pipsquiggle · 08/10/2023 07:26

After your GM dies the money will be yours.

If you want a relationship with your sister I would probably give her some but TBH it doesn't sound like she does a lot for anyone in her life so don't expect anything to change.

Your mum's assets all going to her bf a couple of months before she died sounds really dodgy TBH

autumn1610 · 08/10/2023 07:26

I’d give her some not have maybe like 70/30 or something. At the end of the day it’s what you also come away with. If it’s a small ish inheritance then I wouldn’t split it look after yourself. Make sure you have enough money to get yourself back on track

Poilin · 08/10/2023 07:28

She’s not leaving her in a shit poison her grandmother seeing the other grand daughter for what she is which seems to be a taker living rent free in her dads house ,living rent free in her sisters head ,grandmothers wishes should be respected,I would be angry if I wanted to leave my hard earned money to one person and someone else decided they deserved it .

luckysonofagun · 08/10/2023 07:30

We never saw my mums dad growing up as they we're estranged. I took over caring for him when my mum got sick and looked after him for three years and managed his end of life. He left mum his estate (13k) she gave 10 to me and 3 to my sister. My sister was annoyed because she felt it should have been split (she never even met him) When my mum died she left 20k to me and my sister and 10k to my dds. My sister again was annoyed because MY family got 40k and she got 20k. She also stopped buying us Xmas presents because it cost her more to buy us 4 pressies than it did for us to get her 1 (I always spent more on her but probably still a bit less than she did on us. Say she spent £20 each on us and I spent £60 on her) But we were the only people she gave pressies to. Whereas we have our kids , plus nieces and nephews , siblings and parents on dh side

Hibiscrubbed · 08/10/2023 07:34

You sound so soft, OP. You must get taken advantage of a lot, especially by this family of yours.

I don’t think your sister deserves anything. She’s not even visited your grandmother. And if she cuts you off? Meh, she doesn’t sound much of a loss. Focus on your child and husband.

Dashel · 08/10/2023 07:34

I certainly wouldn’t be splitting it with your sister 50%.

it sounds like she is your dads favourite if she and her partner have sole use of his house and your dad is paying for that. No one she doesn’t want to move out as she will never get anywhere that cheap again.

Do you think your dad will give her the house as it sounds like she already has her inheritance early from him. How likely are you to get anything from your dad or is it likely to be going to her?

Your dad shouldn’t be telling you what to do with this money, particularly if he favours your sister. Your mums wishes would have been to give it to her boyfriend so I would ignore that train of thought.

I would weigh up how you think the inheritance will work from your dad, what your grandma wants, what good the money would do you and your dc and what you would loose with a relationship with your sister- but realistically what you would loose by not having one, giving her this money is not going to buy you a good relationship or improve things. You could very well hand over money that would be life changing for you and she says thanks and acts like she’s entitled to it and hardly speaks to you again and then your dad could continue letting her live rent free in his house until she inherits it? Is that a possibility?

Emotionalsupportviper · 08/10/2023 07:35

AFieldGuideToTrees · 07/10/2023 23:37

I'd wait until your grandmother dies and assess the situation then. It's pointless trying to think about what to do when she's still alive and anything could happen between now and her death. Yours and your sisters circumstances could have changed dramatically. Your dad might have changed his mind. Your grandmother could have changed her will again.

This - a lot might happen between now and your grandmother's death.

TBH you might have been better not to say anything to your sister, but it's spilled milk now.

Also, as other posters have pointed out, the likelihood is that your sister will get your father's estate - I can't see him evicting her from what is essentially her home so that you can have half.

Just wait and see - and if you get left your grandmother's share - keep it! Your GM has her reasons for not giving your sister anything. You have a responsibility to respect the. By all means give her something if you wish, but certainly nowhere near half.

You could very well hand over money that would be life changing for you and she says thanks and acts like she’s entitled to it and hardly speaks to you again and then your dad could continue letting her live rent free in his house until she inherits it? Is that a possibility?

And this is a good point from @Dashel - IME people who feel entitled, feel entitled no matter what, and they don't give a thought to anyone except themselves. Your sister will feel no more warmly towards you if you share with her - she will just have fewer things to complain about (and even then will leave all of the work to do with the estate to you and won't lift a finger with the heartbreaking parts, like going through the deceased's clothes/ momentoes - or at least not unless she thinks there is something of value that she might snaffle.)

Butchyrestingface · 08/10/2023 07:35

Not the consensus opinion but I hope your grandmother leaves the full shebang to your uncle (her son). Not a granddaughter prepared to let her father and sister walk all over her (sorry, OP) so that someone who has never darkened granny's door in years can get her grubby paws on the loot.

Either gird your loins to honour your grandmother's wishes or tell her to leave it all to your uncle instead.

Matronic6 · 08/10/2023 07:36

It's a very divisive issue as shown by the split in opinions on here. For me, it sounds like the living arrangements that your sister has benefited from indicate she has been given a substantial amount of money from family. As your dad expressed his wish was that you both get the same, will you be given the equivalent she was spared in living expenses? I doubt it. I also find it really crass she was expecting half as she did very little in the last few years whilst you have done so much.

I would keep it but gift her some money as a gift from you.

piscofrisco · 08/10/2023 07:36

Tbh I wouldn't have told her I knew the will had changed and she would have then found out in the normal legal way after your Grandmother died. Your sister sounds awful to be frank as you've described her. I don't know why people are encouraging you to effectively pay to have a continuing relationship with her-by the sounds she wouldn't do the same if the situation was reversed.
Just because someone is your sister it doesn't mean the are a) nice b) you must have a relationship with them at all costs.

If you are struggling and need the money then sure give her a token gesture but kept the rest. At some point you need to prioritise yourself and your kids surely?

Nb I might be a bit biased on this as my sister is a horrible person and I live perfectly happily without a relationship with her after years of trying!

Cherryana · 08/10/2023 07:41

Okay, I am going to say something very blunt. Your grandmother won’t be here any more once this choice comes up.

We like to ascribe wishes to passed people as it makes us feel better.

You have to live (not in the same house) with your sister for the ongoing future. What do you want your relationship like to be with her? How important is money to you/potential ruin relationship with her?

Make choices based on the ones who are alive.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/10/2023 07:42

I wouldn't worry what your mum wanted

If she cared for you and your sister she would have left her property to you and not her new bf

Gran May change will again

Wait till she does die and see what happens