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Original poster

Should I halve my inheritance with my sister?

503 replies

Loluk · 07/10/2023 23:24

Hi all,

I'm in a bit of a situation and I'd like to know what your guys' opinion is on this. Because I'm genuinely torn in two.

So, for context my mother passed away 5 years ago. In my grandmother's will she was left half of the house as well as my uncle. However, it states in the will that if she (my mom) passes away before my grandmother it will automatically go to her children - my sister and I.

My grandmother was very vocal about this, hence us knowing about it.
I took over caring for my nan when my mom passed away, for the past 5 years. My sister has seen her maybe once or twice within these 5 years. My grandmother spoke to me and said she wanted to change her will so that my uncle gets half of the house and I get the other half. She wanted to cut my sister out as I'd done so much for her and my sister hadn't seen her for years.
I of course said this was a bad idea and although I get the sentiment behind it (she is a beautiful lady), it should of been my mom's money, so in turn should be both my sisters and I's money.

She went with my uncle to change the will anyway. I have told my sister as I don't want there to be any secrets between us. She obviously was not happy and refuses to see my grandmother at all now.

My dad said when I receive the money that I must give my sister half anyway as it would be majorly unfair. I said I would. But I felt pressured into saying that but not really knowing how I truly feel.
I'm not unkind but my sister is in her 30s and still living at my dad's, rent free, bill free etc. Whereas I am a homeowner who is very much struggling. The money would help me massively and would help us get back on track. But also I'm aware it's family money so it should be split between my sister and I?

Some people I've spoken to are saying, it's your grandmother's money, she can do what she wants with it. Some are saying I would be selfish to not share with my sister.

What do you guys think?

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 08/10/2023 06:19

ChamaChamaChamaChameleon · 08/10/2023 00:41

OP I don't think you giving your sister half will make any difference. If she hasn't bothered with you so far giving her lots of money isn't going to change her mind.
You grandmother wanted you to have it. So honour her wishes and keep it.
It's that simple.

You'll be even more disappointed once you give her the money only to have the same indifference that you experience now, with the added sting of having paid for the privilege.

This. It said everything to me that the sister stopped all contact with their grandmother after she found out she was disinherited.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 08/10/2023 06:24

Please @Loluk do not share your coming Inheritance with your sister. Your loving partner, your DC and you, are almost certainly the only ones who are going to be there for you once your own DearGrandmother and your
DearFather are gone.

I have no idea where in the World my own brother, or DNieceand DNephew are - they were last seen or heard of at my dad's funeral a long time ago now. I no longer care what has happened to my brother, he showed a long time ago now, that neither I nor my family matter to him in the slightest. I don't wish him any harm, but I don't owe him anything either (I would have loved to have a relationship with my niece and nephew, but sadly that could not happen).

I do resent the fact that my brother was able to inherit half of some money that was owed to my DM just before she died. It was a complicated situation involving a relative of my DM who died Intestate, but whose money had not been paid into my DM's account before her death. I know about it only because my DF told me before he died that my DM and DF had wanted it to go to my DH as he had helped look after them much much better than my brother had, well my brother had never looked after either of them at all.

So please don't cling on to the hope that if you give your selfish sister half of the Inheritance it will lead to her being the sort of sister you want, as all signs so far, are that it won't. I'm so sorry OP that you find yourself in this situation, but I believe that your lovely Grandmother knows exactly what she is doing and way. If you trust your DGM at all, and her intelligence, then please follow her wishes. So just continue to be blessed OP, and make your DH and DC lives easier by keeping the extra money for your little family unit xx

PuzzledWatermelon · 08/10/2023 06:27

OP, I’m sorry you are having to go through this. I have a quick question - if the shoe was on the other foot and it was your sister receiving the money (and you had been written out of the will for whatever reason) - would your sister be kind enough to give you half? Or would she keep all of it?

I really hope you are ok, and just treasure the time you do have left with your grandmother.

GreekGod · 08/10/2023 06:29

Money comes and goes. Give half to your sister or accept you could risk losing a relationship with her.

Hallmark1234 · 08/10/2023 06:34

Given what you've said about your sister not helping your GM over the years, it's highly likely she will inherit your father's house when he passes, especially as she's already living there rent free etc., so you should keep your GM money for yourself, as that is her wish and you need the money more at this time than your sister does.

Is it possible your father wants you to share it with her, to enable her to leave his house to live independently?

duchiebun · 08/10/2023 06:37

For the sake of my living relationships I would give my sibling half.

duchiebun · 08/10/2023 06:39

But don't think it accounts for much really. It's just I've got to do what's fair. He doesn't want one of his children to do better than another basically. He wants to us to do/have the same in life.

It's probably because he wants you still to have a relationship

duchiebun · 08/10/2023 06:39

Of course, if you'd kept your mouth shut in the first place, there would have been no need to tell them you'd inherited anything.

What, how would it remain secret

SayNoToDoorToDoor · 08/10/2023 06:41

Would your sister give you something if she inherited? Sounds like she wouldn’t.

You do not have to give her half, you could give a third, a quarter or a token gesture. Remember once your Grandma passes this becomes your money so let it sit for a little while and get a feel for what you want to do not what other people want you to do.

People are funny with money. I suspect once the time comes your sister will become nasty and your Dad will heap pressure on you. Have they pushed you around before, that is are you a people pleaser? If you are why don’t you get yourself some counselling now ( I did CBT which helped massively) that way you can reinforce boundaries of your choosing when the time comes.

duchiebun · 08/10/2023 06:42

I never understand the line that it's not respecting the dead to share. They give you money. You make your choice after that

Yep, it's yours once you receive it.

BeverlyBrook · 08/10/2023 06:42

OP keep the money

duchiebun · 08/10/2023 06:43

Your granny has put you in rather an unfair position

it's very controlling

Justtochat · 08/10/2023 06:45

Keep the money. I say this as someone who didn’t make as much of an effort by far with my grandma compared to my cousins (the other grandchildren). Had my grandma left her estate to the others and not me, I would have truly understood, and wouldn’t have expected my cousins to give me their portion! It was never my money!

We aren’t entitled to anything. In this case your grandma could leave it all to a cat charity. Instead she’s choosing to leave it to you. Your sister sounds awful, and that would make me only more confident in my decision to keep it (but still, irrelevant really).

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 08/10/2023 06:46

No, I wouldn’t give my sister half. It’s your gran’s money and you wouldn’t be honouring her wishes. It frankly takes the piss out of your gram to be honest. How dare your sister not make any effort with her but expect her money?

Zanatdy · 08/10/2023 06:47

Ilovelifeverymuch · 08/10/2023 05:44

Sorry but being cut out of the will is because she has shown her grandmother that she doesn't care about her so no it is not unfair.

I don't get this entitled mentality of expecting to benefit from someone that you can't be bothered to show care and love for.

Edited
Show quote history

She probably loved and care for her mother but got nothing when it went to a boyfriend.

duchiebun · 08/10/2023 06:47

Does your dad need care? You say he has a partner?

duchiebun · 08/10/2023 06:50

I find some of these posts quite bizarre & sad really but I guess some people just don't have good relationships with their siblings.

xyz111 · 08/10/2023 06:50

I would give her 20%. I couldn't go against grandmother wishes so much to give her half.

duchiebun · 08/10/2023 06:52

I don't get this entitled mentality of expecting to benefit from someone that you can't be bothered to show care and love for.

How do you know the sister didn't love the Gran? Because she didn't provide care? Care is a full time job so did the OP give up work to do so? I wouldn't do that myself.

duchiebun · 08/10/2023 06:52

Doesn't mean I don't love my elders.

ChateauMargaux · 08/10/2023 06:56

Speak to your Dad.... ask him how is it fair that he is paying your sister's housing costs and not yours?

How is it fair that you look after your nan and your sister doesn't?

Remind him how much you and your husband are struggling while taking care of your nan and your son, while your sister lives rent free. Tell him what difference it will make to your lives... maybe try to work out what X years of rent free living is worth compared to your nan's inheritance.

Ask him why your nan's money should be shared equally but his money shouldn't?

Tell him that it is in his power to make this fair by giving you the same as he gives your sister and then you can do the same.

Ask him why he thinks your sister is more deserving of his money? And explain the impact on your life and ability to earn, that looking after your nan has had on yours?

RedHelenB · 08/10/2023 06:59

crew2022 · 07/10/2023 23:27

Give your sister half, it's what your mum wanted. You're a good person to care for your gran but it's what your mum had asked.

This.

WaltzingWaters · 08/10/2023 07:00

Don’t feel pressured by what your dad or sister say. Your grandmother has made her wishes clear. You have been there for her and she wishes you to have it because of it. Your sister has made no effort and upon hearing her plans, instead of attempting to rectify this, she has sulked and not seen your gran at all.

When you say you’ve been caring for your gran for 5 years, has that impacted how much money you’ve been earning at work? Is your grandmothers estate worth considerably more because you’ve saved her money on not needing care fees? If so, I’d take that into account and then transfer whatever YOU want to to your sister. It doesn’t have to be half and she doesn’t need to know exactly what half would have been anyway.

UhOhGuys · 08/10/2023 07:00

God this is ugly.Of course you should share it.In the normal order of things it would have gone to your mother, who would have split it.You keep describing your gran as a "beautiful lady" but there's nothing beautiful about deliberately withholding a mothers inheritance from her daughter "because reasons".You while also trying to sound rational and level headed are trying to paint your sister as some some of uncaring weird person, all so you can keep all this money.I think you came on here looking to have your choice validated but I'm team dad. Life is short, you have bought a home, how much free unearned money do you need? More than the price of a sister?

itispersonal · 08/10/2023 07:07

I wouldn't share it 50/50! It's not your mums money it's your grans. If your sister hasn't bothered to see your gran then why should be get the money???!!!

I would maybe either give sister a set amount or split 70/30- If you want a relationship with her, just don't tell her how much you got. Or ask gran to specify a set amount to you for your care and dedication and then the rest split between you and uncle.