Should I halve my inheritance with my sister?

[Loluk]

Hi all,

I'm in a bit of a situation and I'd like to know what your guys' opinion is on this. Because I'm genuinely torn in two.

So, for context my mother passed away 5 years ago. In my grandmother's will she was left half of the house as well as my uncle. However, it states in the will that if she (my mom) passes away before my grandmother it will automatically go to her children - my sister and I.

My grandmother was very vocal about this, hence us knowing about it.
I took over caring for my nan when my mom passed away, for the past 5 years. My sister has seen her maybe once or twice within these 5 years. My grandmother spoke to me and said she wanted to change her will so that my uncle gets half of the house and I get the other half. She wanted to cut my sister out as I'd done so much for her and my sister hadn't seen her for years.
I of course said this was a bad idea and although I get the sentiment behind it (she is a beautiful lady), it should of been my mom's money, so in turn should be both my sisters and I's money.

She went with my uncle to change the will anyway. I have told my sister as I don't want there to be any secrets between us. She obviously was not happy and refuses to see my grandmother at all now.

My dad said when I receive the money that I must give my sister half anyway as it would be majorly unfair. I said I would. But I felt pressured into saying that but not really knowing how I truly feel.
I'm not unkind but my sister is in her 30s and still living at my dad's, rent free, bill free etc. Whereas I am a homeowner who is very much struggling. The money would help me massively and would help us get back on track. But also I'm aware it's family money so it should be split between my sister and I?

Some people I've spoken to are saying, it's your grandmother's money, she can do what she wants with it. Some are saying I would be selfish to not share with my sister.

What do you guys think?

That is a tricky position OP.

My mother predeceased my grandmother and as a result my brother and I split the inheritance, as per the will but...

When it came to our father things were more complicated. He had two children from a previous marriage (who lived many hours away and there was almost no contact) and when our mother died those children were adults, my brother was a sixth former and I was a young child. That was the last time he made a will and it was made according to our needs and ages so I was to receive the 2/3, my brother 1/3 and a token amount was to be given to the other two children.

When he died many, many years later that was still his last will and by this point his other two children had no contact (not even a Christmas card for around 8 years) and hadn't seen him for decades. We had all been adults for a long time.

My brother lived the closest to my dad (by some way) and as a result he was the one who visited twice a week, took days off work to take him to appointments, sorted out his bills, the carers, took emergency time off when he went into hospital etc. and sorted out his estate. I did do some stuff but no where near as much as he did.

We calculated the hours and expense of this over the last 8 years (when this support was needed) - at my insistence - and financially compensated him for this before splitting the rest equally between the four of us. My brother ended up with approximately 2/5 and the rest of us 1/5 of the estate. My half siblings have no idea that we varied it so that they benefitted more, or any idea about the original will to my knowledge. I am 99% sure that if things had been the other way round they wouldn't have even bothered to tell us he had died but that really wasn't the point. It is probably worth mentioning that my brother and I are very financially stable but the other two siblings are much less so, and that did help with this decision to some extent. Ultimately though it felt like it was the right thing to do.

What I'm suggesting is that as your grandmother wanted you to be financially compensated for the time and care you gave her - so take that money first as an expense before splitting the remainder with your sister or just do an unequal split to compensate (2/3 vs 1/3 or 3/5 vs 2/5 rather than 1/2 vs 1/2).

@SurprisedWithAHorse

TammyJones
Eh?

I love it when people pretend that the concepts of favouritism and self-righteousness, and what they do to family relationshipss, are beyond their wit.

Since I'm pretty sure you are in fact smart enough to work it out, I'll let you do it.

*
I'm sorry I'm just not sure what you're getting at?
Who's my favourite?
My dd because I gave her £1000's In support to get her through Uni.
I gave my son money to get through Uni too
BUT the difference is my son rings for a chat because he is genuinely a lovely caring person.
Where as my daughter only rings when she wants something.
And yes , I totally blame myself.
Currently she has not spoken to me for a few years ..... because I actually said no.
I love her and miss her but, thanks to therapy I am learning to stand up for myself...a little.

Why is the responsibility for ‘losing the relationship’ on OP? If the sister wants to cut her off then that’s on her.

Fucking hell, as if ‘bye then’ isn’t an entirely acceptable response to ‘give me money I’m not entitled to or else I won’t see you again!’.

Hang on … your Dad is paying the mortgage and bills on a house your sister is living in, rent free? So he’s effectively giving her £x per month. Is he giving you the same £x per month? I assume not! So he wants her to not only have half of the inheritance your Grandmother is leaving you but on top of that, a total of £xx that he has effectively gifted her? Doesn’t take much to do the maths there and see that your sister will come out much better off than you will. I’d point that out and give her a small, token gift.

I think you should respect your grandmother's decision. When she passes do not rush into anything. Grieving for her will take time.

I agree with this, your dad will 'equalise' things.

But I'd discuss it openly with your DSis and DD so you are all aware of what will happen.

Hope your GM lives forever x

OP, whatever you decide, know in your heart that you are and have been a good granddaughter to your Nan, and a good daughter to your Dad.

In the end, family is not always about ‘behaviour’ it is about shared experiences, shared blood, glue if a complex making.

IMO your Mum did not do best by you and your DSis by leaving everything to a new boyfriend. Who knows what sort of rejection or disaffection your DSis felt over that?

I would probably retain a sum for actual expenses in bring with your Nan, travel, days out etc etc, lost work etc, because clearly your Nan is seeing her Will as recompense for what you are doing. But then give DDis a share of the rest.

And in doing so also talk to your Dad about how it feels to see him give so much to your sister while you struggle. Not asking for money, just feelings.

@Notsojollyroger
I think you are spot on .

I’m sorry I think your sister is being very entitled expecting your grandmother to give her money when they don’t have a relationship. Quite frankly I suspect your relationship with your sister is damaged already - I would be inclined to honour your grandmother’s wishes as it’s what she wanted. You may find your dad over corrects the situation and leaves your sister his house. Would that bother you?

I expect your Dad really doesn’t want your sister at his and he sees this as a way to get her out?

But fair being fair, I would be wanting to move into your Dads too for the same amount of time your sister has been there. Rent free. After that period, you could split the money.

I agree with the pp who said that the money being initially left to your Mum is a red herring. Your Grandmother might have changed her mind on that if your Mum was still alive.
Your Grandmother wants her estate to pass to you, as you are the one caring for her. This is her choice to make and it isn’t a spiteful one (in which case my advice would be different) . Your sister has made her choice not to care for her Grandmother, as you have made yours to be the carer. Being a carer means putting a lot of yourself aside and making sacrifices. She chose not to do that.
I think you should respect your Grandmother’s wishes, it is her money, and it is a reasonable choice for her to make given the situation. She wants to repay you for the time you have spent caring for her. Whether or not it might have passed to your mother is irrelevant, as it did not get given to her, and it may never have been passed on to her anyway.

Honestly with this type of situation it's all about how people are treated within the family. Treated as the golden child? You are entitled to at least half the money whatever the will says. Treated as less equal? Then don't expect family members to suddenly change when you are left money.

Isn't there a compromise where you give your sister a gift of a sum of money you're comfortable with but not half? X

I bet if it was the other way round your sister wouldn’t give you a penny.

It's a difficult one! We had a situation in that a wealthy elderly aunt passed away and had changed her will to leave out one of her nieces as they had a falling out. The nieces portion had the effect of increasing the great nephews and nieces shares when she was written out but unfortunately my aunt did not leave a letter saying why she had done this.
After she died the executors approached all the first generation nephews and nieces to ask if they were willing to agree to a variation of the will so that the written out niece still received 'her' share thus reducing all the first generation family their share.
For the sake of family relations, most agreed but it wasn't until years later that I found out that one of my cousins had discussed with his brother his objections to doing so. His reasons for doing so were that his needs were greater than hers and she had never ever bothered with him - he lives abroad but he never ever heard from her and she didn't even thank the family for agreeing to the variation. Had he voiced his reasons I suspect the niece would have kicked off and dragged everyone through the courts for her portion and we would all lose out. She always maintains that she was 'entitled' to her share of the inheritance. We had said that those who wanted to give her money could do so happily after distribution but she didn't want to be beholden to anyone!!
I understand your reasoning as you will feel guilty either way and can't do right for doing wrong. But it has been willed to you and you can gift as much or as little to your sister has you wish - just don't expect her to be grateful for it!!

After reading your other posts, I don't think you should give your sister half. She will never be there for you in the future.

I personally wouldn't share it because I would respect my grandmother's wishes.

My dad as explicitly explained that when he passes he does not what me to give my sisters nothing (one don't speak to him and one is a money grabber that wants hand outs). Even though she wont be here anymore, you should still respect her wishes.

Why on earth should the OP do that.

The sister will never be there for her and does not deserver a penny.

You sound lovely @Loluk

Your sister on the other hand sounds like an absolute cow bag. She won't see granny unless she benefits financially?!

The sister is not living with her dad she has taken over the house with her fiance while the dad moved out to his girlfriends but still okay all the bills. Not the same at all I think.

Nope. Don’t even give her a sniff of it. She sounds like a right arsehole and, if you choose to give her a share of the money, you won’t see her for dust afterwards. You already don’t have a relationship with her - there’s nothing to lose here, except for YOUR money.

Also the mum was 54 and not expected to die so she had no intentions other than living her life with her new partner, I'm sure she didn't deliberately deprive her kids just didn't have all her paperwork sorted as many people don't.

It's her decision because she's got the money.

She can make whatever call she wants and it's clear what call she wants. But she can't make it look altruistic or get her sister on board with it.

I wish the sister could give her side of things. There's rarely a golden child and a perfect villain even though it would suit parents and grandparents to think so.

What you do with your inheritance is up to you of course, but please listen to your grandmother’s wishes now while she is still alive and consider why she she wants her money to stay safe with you. She has a whole lot of experience and wisdom that you don’t yet have and can see things clearly now that she knows she is dying.
I think you should really consider honouring her wishes.
I understand your feelings of not wanting to upset your sister, who sounds rather entitled from what you have said, while you and your DH are hard workers with decency and integrity. But the money is your grandmothers to gift. It isn’t your sister’s or father’s money to have any demands on.

Your sister isn’t even speaking to your dying grandmother and has never done anything for her, so why should she have such inappropriate and high expectations. Had your grandmother’s money gone first to your mum, it seems it would have been swallowed up anyway by your mum’s grabby partner and she wouldn’t have inherited much, I’d any that way either.

Speculating how to spend inheritance is foolhardy until after the will is read and the money is in the bank, and obviously all of that will take a lot of time. (Maybe your grandmother will see that you are struggling and apportion her estate differently again before she dies)
You should give yourself even more time after any money becomes yours, to calmly consider how you feel about things.

Tell your sister that you are busy caring for your grandmother, -listening to her needs and wishes and you will, some time in what you hope will be the distant future, be sorting grandmothers affairs according to her wishes and also be grieving for a long time before you even think about your inheritance so it is best she now gets on with sorting a roof over her head for herself as nothing extra is coming her way.

Then think about it carefully when you are good and ready, instead of stressing about it now.

Yes, it would be her money. It wouldn’t be, and hasn’t ever been, the sister’s money. If the sister wants to cut off OP because OP won’t pay her to maintain the relationship, then that’s the sister’s decision.

Since when did we ever get all sides of a story on MN? If we waited on that to make a judgement message boards would die in infancy.