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Original poster

Should I halve my inheritance with my sister?

503 replies

Loluk · 07/10/2023 23:24

Hi all,

I'm in a bit of a situation and I'd like to know what your guys' opinion is on this. Because I'm genuinely torn in two.

So, for context my mother passed away 5 years ago. In my grandmother's will she was left half of the house as well as my uncle. However, it states in the will that if she (my mom) passes away before my grandmother it will automatically go to her children - my sister and I.

My grandmother was very vocal about this, hence us knowing about it.
I took over caring for my nan when my mom passed away, for the past 5 years. My sister has seen her maybe once or twice within these 5 years. My grandmother spoke to me and said she wanted to change her will so that my uncle gets half of the house and I get the other half. She wanted to cut my sister out as I'd done so much for her and my sister hadn't seen her for years.
I of course said this was a bad idea and although I get the sentiment behind it (she is a beautiful lady), it should of been my mom's money, so in turn should be both my sisters and I's money.

She went with my uncle to change the will anyway. I have told my sister as I don't want there to be any secrets between us. She obviously was not happy and refuses to see my grandmother at all now.

My dad said when I receive the money that I must give my sister half anyway as it would be majorly unfair. I said I would. But I felt pressured into saying that but not really knowing how I truly feel.
I'm not unkind but my sister is in her 30s and still living at my dad's, rent free, bill free etc. Whereas I am a homeowner who is very much struggling. The money would help me massively and would help us get back on track. But also I'm aware it's family money so it should be split between my sister and I?

Some people I've spoken to are saying, it's your grandmother's money, she can do what she wants with it. Some are saying I would be selfish to not share with my sister.

What do you guys think?

OP posts:
Finlesswonder · 08/10/2023 10:05

Must be painful to be the sister.

Mum cut her out.

Gran cut her out.

Now sis is about to cut her out.

Your sis may have been bankrolled by your dad re living expenses OP, but who has been paying your bills while you work yourself to the bone caring for this lovely woman?

I think there's a whole lot more to this story

AnotherEmma · 08/10/2023 10:06

There's a lot to unpick here.

Firstly I'm very sorry for your losses, to lose your mum unexpectedly, and a baby, that must be very hard Flowers

Your family of origin (parents and sister) sounds pretty dysfunctional, I'm afraid.
Your dad is paying for your sister's wedding - did he pay for yours?
Are you saying that your dad is living with his partner in a house that she owns, he's not on the deeds or mortgage, but he's paying the mortgage??
Do you know what's in your dad's will - is he leaving everything / something to his partner? Is there an equal split between you and your sister?

It seems strange that your sister didn't talk to your mother for 2.5 years... also you say that you have supported her but she's never supported you. She sounds pretty selfish. In general it all seems very one way. What does she add to your life? In reality, what would you lose if she decided not to talk to you? Is your main fear that your dad would disapprove and choose her over to you?

Bouncyball23 · 08/10/2023 10:07

Everyone saying its from your mum is wrong. It's not from your mum and your grandmother might well off changed her will if your mum was still alive no one knows how they will feel or what will happen. Your grandmother wants you to have half of her house not half off your mums house!! I would give sister a small amount or pay for a holiday or something nice for her then keep the rest and follow grans wishes.

Finlesswonder · 08/10/2023 10:07

I mean that's three times now your sister has been cut out of an inheritance, but you're upset that your dad isn't charging her rent.

And you're somehow spinning this to make yourself the good guy here?

sandyhappypeople · 08/10/2023 10:09

wildwestpioneer · 07/10/2023 23:33

To add, imagine how you'd feel if you gave money to someone, for their benefit, who then gave half of it away to someone you'd told them you didn't want to have it.

You wouldn’t feel anything, you’d be dead...

LadyLapsang · 08/10/2023 10:10

I find it odd is that you are so accepting of your mother disinheriting her children, you and your sister, in favour of a new partner.

Turning to your terminally ill grandmother. Was she in sound mind when she changed her will? Was there an assessment of her mental capacity?

When you say you care for your grandmother, what does that look like? Have you been popping in to help or providing hours of regular personal care such as helping her bath, with personal hygiene, etc.?

If you and your sister are in your thirties, you could live for another 60 plus years, whether or not your grandmother intended to, she has thrown a grenade into your family.

TattiePants · 08/10/2023 10:11

For the posters saying there may be tax implications for the OP, there won’t be. The OP doesn’t pay tax, the estate of the deceased person pays it before any inheritance is distributed. Given the estate mainly consists of a house behind passed to the grandmother’s child / grandchild, the estate would need to be in excess of £500k (or possibly £1m) before IHT is payable.

IF the OP decides to give her DS some of her inheritance, she’d sign a Deed of Variation and a portion of the inheritance would pass directly to her DS with no tax implications.

ChateauMargaux · 08/10/2023 10:12

Has your Dad paid for your wedding or given you a house deposit?

Dear Dad.. as you are so keen to see things fairly shared.. I have estimated below the support DSis has received from you..

Rent for 4 years at £2,000 per month plus wedding costs.. £125,000. Should I deduct this amount from Nan's inheritance before splitting with DSis or will you be giving this to me directly?

In case you haven't guessed... I am very upset at this unequal treatment, but was prepared to live with that hurt, however your insistence that I share my inheritance with DSis when I have looked after nan for the past few years and DSis has had very little contact with her or indeed Mum, before she died, this has hurt me even more deeply.

This is in your hands to fix. It looks like DSis is your favourite child and I have to live with that hurt. It looks like I am nan's favourite grandchild. Maybe that is some consolation.

Motnight · 08/10/2023 10:14

In my opinion it's only in dysfunctional families where someone's wishes regarding the will they wrote are disregarded.

My guess is Op that you could give your sister everything that you own and you still wouldn't have a happy relationship with her.

I would keep the money personally.

Have had some experience of this in my own family and the situation just bought all the nastiness, shimmering resentment and unfairness through the years to the top

AnotherEmma · 08/10/2023 10:15

"My guess is Op that you could give your sister everything that you own and you still wouldn't have a happy relationship with her."

i agree

Flutterbye22 · 08/10/2023 10:16

Split it. Be a good person. Yes grandmother gave it to you, but it’s then up to you what you choose to do with it.

Lavenderosa · 08/10/2023 10:17

It's your grandmother's money and she is giving it to you. It's your gran's decision and I think you should abide by it. She wants to make your life better financially and I think you should respect her wishes. She doesn't want to leave her money to your sister so why would you go against that? It sounds like your sister was never going to inherit anything anyway because if your mother had lived, the money was going into her boyfriend's estate. I would respect my grandmother's decision and tell my sister and dad that it's not for them to tell you what to do with your inheritance. It's your gran's money and her wishes trump theirs.

Tiredalwaystired · 08/10/2023 10:18

wildwestpioneer · 07/10/2023 23:33

To add, imagine how you'd feel if you gave money to someone, for their benefit, who then gave half of it away to someone you'd told them you didn't want to have it.

You wouldn’t feel anything. You’d be dead.

Meanwhile the beneficiary has to choose between money and family. Not a nice choice.

Once the money has been through probate it belongs to the OP. If she wanted to piss it up the wall on cocaine and prostitutes on day one, the person they inherited from probably wouldn’t like that either but the money no longer theirs to dictate it’s use of.

Accept the money and decide what YOU want to do with it when the dust has settled. You never know, this might all be academic and it all goes on care home fees anyway.

TammyJones · 08/10/2023 10:19

SurprisedWithAHorse · 08/10/2023 09:58

Because I'm one of life's Givers and my own dd is one of life's takers.My ds contacts me a lot , but dd only when she wants money.

I'm sure you have some explanation for why you've always been totally justified in your clear favouritism and why you're always the good guy against your villainous daughter.

Eh?

shams05 · 08/10/2023 10:24

It's your grans money whilst she's alive and she wants you to have it all. Once she's passed its yours to do with as you wish.
If it makes you feel better then discuss with your gran how you plan to give some to your sister anyway, maybe not half but some atleast.
Once she's passed you'll have one less family member to live and if she's your only sibling I'd hold her close.

shams05 · 08/10/2023 10:25

To 'love you' that should say

TammyJones · 08/10/2023 10:25

UhOhGuys · 08/10/2023 09:53

@TammyJones
Care home fees can be £1000's a week.
So at least 52 weeks x 5 years = £260,000 is yours
So you're "one of life's givers" but you still advocate essentially charging care fees to loved ones?

Good question.
Previously I would have said split.
BUT
Fir the the first time in my life I am in a position where we, as a family are looking at these fees fir a beloved uncle.
We want the best.
But the reality is it costs this much.
Of the 8 family- no one is in the position of quitting work and providing care.
But I'd rather pay one of our family 1000's a week than put him in a care home .... I hope that makes sense.
Because nursing / caring is a very difficult job.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 08/10/2023 10:25

TammyJones · 08/10/2023 10:19

Eh?

Show quote history

I love it when people pretend that the concepts of favouritism and self-righteousness, and what they do to family relationshipss, are beyond their wit.

Since I'm pretty sure you are in fact smart enough to work it out, I'll let you do it.

ChristmasFluff · 08/10/2023 10:26

Someone genuinely as saint-like as the OP paints herself wouldn't hesitate to share the money with her evil sister.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 08/10/2023 10:28

It depends how much you value a relationship with your sister.

If you want a relationship then you should give her half.

If you don't care then keep it for yourself, you deserve it.

sandyhappypeople · 08/10/2023 10:29

It sounds like the money coming to you and sis as a 50/50 split was just a standard will procedure, not necessarily what you’re mum ‘wanted’ (unless she told you that separately of course), it sounds like if your nan would have passed away before your mum you wouldn’t have seen any of that money? so the 50/50 split sounds like a red herring, and not to be followed as her ‘wishes’ exactly. Besides that money hasn’t come from your mum, it was never hers, it is your nan’s and she’s made her wishes very clear.

I’m the same as you and would want to see my sister taken care of, not cut her out, BUT if I was in that position, I would 100% only give my sister a portion of it, whatever you feel is enough for what she needs or enough so you don’t feel guilty and do what you like with the rest, to be honest she should be grateful for anything she receives, you don’t even have to tell her how much you were left.

it’s the compromise between the two, if you were sure she wouldn’t give you half if the roles were reversed you need to knock any guilty feeling on the head, because you’ve got nothing to feel guilty about.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 08/10/2023 10:30

I'd give her some, but not half.

Mikimoto · 08/10/2023 10:31

The sister has barely seen the grandmother, so why would she expect a massive payout from her?!
Plus, the mother signed everything over to her boyfriend, so it wasn't coming through that route either.

soundsys · 08/10/2023 10:32

I'm going to go against the grain and say: it's your grandmothers money, and if she wanted your sister to have half of it she could and would leave it to your sister. She has chosen not to do this and been pretty vocal about it by the sounds of it.

Certainly, I'd treat your sister with some of the money but you're not obliged to give her half, and your grandma clearly doesn't want you to!

Mirabai · 08/10/2023 10:33

Finlesswonder · 08/10/2023 10:07

I mean that's three times now your sister has been cut out of an inheritance, but you're upset that your dad isn't charging her rent.

And you're somehow spinning this to make yourself the good guy here?

I find it strange OP says she’s not struggling as much as she is a homeowner. Sister is actually struggling to save for her first property, so OP is already in an better position financially.

Look OP, I’ve been a carer for my elderly parents for 5 years. I’ve given up a lot to do so. My parents thus wanted to change their will to leave more to me than my siblings as I had taken a financial hit to care for them, but I said no. It was my free choice and I did it from love and duty. How my siblings live their life and how much money they have (more than I do) has no bearing on the ethics of sharing family money equally.