Should I halve my inheritance with my sister?

[Loluk]

Hi all,

I'm in a bit of a situation and I'd like to know what your guys' opinion is on this. Because I'm genuinely torn in two.

So, for context my mother passed away 5 years ago. In my grandmother's will she was left half of the house as well as my uncle. However, it states in the will that if she (my mom) passes away before my grandmother it will automatically go to her children - my sister and I.

My grandmother was very vocal about this, hence us knowing about it.
I took over caring for my nan when my mom passed away, for the past 5 years. My sister has seen her maybe once or twice within these 5 years. My grandmother spoke to me and said she wanted to change her will so that my uncle gets half of the house and I get the other half. She wanted to cut my sister out as I'd done so much for her and my sister hadn't seen her for years.
I of course said this was a bad idea and although I get the sentiment behind it (she is a beautiful lady), it should of been my mom's money, so in turn should be both my sisters and I's money.

She went with my uncle to change the will anyway. I have told my sister as I don't want there to be any secrets between us. She obviously was not happy and refuses to see my grandmother at all now.

My dad said when I receive the money that I must give my sister half anyway as it would be majorly unfair. I said I would. But I felt pressured into saying that but not really knowing how I truly feel.
I'm not unkind but my sister is in her 30s and still living at my dad's, rent free, bill free etc. Whereas I am a homeowner who is very much struggling. The money would help me massively and would help us get back on track. But also I'm aware it's family money so it should be split between my sister and I?

Some people I've spoken to are saying, it's your grandmother's money, she can do what she wants with it. Some are saying I would be selfish to not share with my sister.

What do you guys think?

For me, a relationship is a two way thing.
It seems that the OP’s relationship with her sister us very much a one way thing.
Im wondering if it’s not also based on her not rocking the boat tbh..l.

In the OP it says GM's will was originally split between GM's 2 children (mum and uncle), then I guess between uncle and OP & sis. Now uncle and OP.

These answers are probably not helping you much!

I feel you are unilaterally trying to decide what is “right” and “fair”.

But life’s not fair and you can’t see it fully objectively anyway.

The fairest thing you can do is honour your grandmother’s wishes. What your mom (probably) would have done is neither here nor there - it’s a scenario that never became real.

I think that you sound like someone who is always a good loser, but struggles to be a graceful winner. Maybe because of family dynamics. Take the money and smile at the world.

Sounds to me as if the grandmother is about the only person in all of this who actually cares about the OP and is looking out for her. She seems to have the measure of the sister's freeloading and wants to redress the balance.

The money was never your Mothers so no, i don't think it should be shared, to do so would disrespect your Grandmothers wishes. No doubt your sister would be happily take it even though she can't be arsed to visit her dying Grandmother. Your sister is a disgrace and your father should keep his opinion to himself as it is absolutely nothing to do with him and no doubt is hoping his useless daughter spends some on him. Honour your Grandmothers wishes or refuse to take any money.

OP, I think you will really regret in years to come, gifting your Grandmother’s money to your sister. Your father wants you both to have the same but is not compensating you for the amount he is subsidising her by - at a time when you really need it. Your father can share his inheritance with your sister if he so wishes.

If your father threatened to cut you out of his Will you can make a claim. You could make a claim under intestacy laws for some of your Mother’s money, as could your sister.

If you are concerned how you will look to family and friends, show them this thread. I would be very interested in their comments!

I have been pressured about substantial sums of money in the past, and now have the benefit of hindsight. I wish I had been as wise as your Grandmother.

Urgh inheritance! Why is it always linked to whether you are for someone or not its absolutely ridiculous! What if a person is not able to provide care, that doesn't mean they love the person less. I find it appalling when people say well you cared for that person for 5yrs you deserve it more...it just shots on all those yrs growing up the 20+yrs u had a relationship with that person and just becuase u know u won't make a good carer or can do it it means u get nothing.

I agree with others you choose to care, you don't have to. Your nan can pay for it clearly. Most people do it because they want to ensure their loved one is treated well.

As for your sister staying at your Dad

1. if she wasn't your dad and his partner (if married) would still have to pay the mortgage. If he has asked your sister to contribute and she said no and he isn't happy he can kick her out then. If he chooses not to then that's on your dad not your sister really. She should be made to contribute to bills to be fair.

2. your dad has a partner so why would your sister need to care for him? Why were you? Where was his partner?

3. why did u need to tell your sister, your nan could change the will again, all ots done is caused a further rift between ur nan and sister

You dont even have to make any decisions now.

When you receive the inheritance from your Grandmother, she has got her wish as in the money has gone to you. The money is then yours to do what you want with it. It becomes your money and up to you should you wish to gift half of it to your sister. I would look at it in that way. If there are no requests or conditions tied to the money, surely you can spend it/share it as you wish to.

Mum left the entirety of own her estate to her own boyfriend. Not a crumb for her children. I don't think we can play the caring mum, and honouring her wishes card. In fact, apparently mum had said she would have left grandma's house to her boyfriend as well, if it was in her ownership. Based on that, she most certainly didn't want the sister to receive half of anything.

If you don't share the inheritance, that will cost you your relationship with your sister.

You may well be fine with that and that's your call. It's a shame she's not here to give her side, though.

So make your decision. But what you can't do is keep the inheritance with your sister's blessing and understanding.

I don't think your grandmother sounds like a beautiful lady at all, tbh. I suspect this is just one example of intergenerational conflict and favouritism that has led to you and your sister having this crap relationship to start with. Whenever siblings are this hostile, it's almost always from bad parenting.

You obviously want to keep it all. So just be aware that you can't do this and maintain a relationship with your sister or make it look somehow altruistic. If you're OK with that, it's your call, but it's too much to ask for universal approval as well.

I don't think you are obliged to give your sister half,from what you've said and as much as you love her,she sounds very self centered and not a very nice person.Your grandmother can see it hence why she's left it all to you.Id maybe give sister a token gift but no way would I give her half if I were you.

@DisforDarkChocolate

From what you've written I think you will share but I don't think you should.

You are one of life's givers, your sister is a taker. She's happily taking by living rent free, she's happy taking by seeing you enough to have you plan a good hen do. When she has her own house I bet you Dad will only see her when she wants money. When she has a share of her Gran's estate you won't see her until she needs something else. Are you preserving a relationship that's not really worth preserving?

THIS

I was on the side of splitting - but @DisforDarkChocolate talks a lot of sense.
Because I'm one of life's Givers and my own dd is one of life's takers.

My ds contacts me a lot , but dd only when she wants money.
(Both adults ).
Care home fees can be £1000's a week.
So at least 52 weeks x 5 years = £260,000 is yours - and split the rest.
That would be fair.
Also what would be fair is your dad giving you half of the amount he is subbing your sister's rent ( not happening though is it?)
Take the money - pay off your mortgage- give YOUR kids a better life.

DITTO

@TammyJones
Care home fees can be £1000's a week.
So at least 52 weeks x 5 years = £260,000 is yours
So you're "one of life's givers" but you still advocate essentially charging care fees to loved ones?

Agree.
Op , who is giver as many times described her as a beautiful person ....

If the sister wasn't living in the house, cost free, then there may have been rent to cover the expenses.

If we don't nee to step up for caring, why do family bonds matter for sharing half of something that was left entirely to one person.

I don't know, op. You may divvy half of an inheritance to sister, and then daddy could leave his estate to girlfriend and sister. Or just one of them. I don't think grandma will miss someone who has seen her once, or maybe twice, in her later years. When she could do with family being concerned, involved, or/ and supportive.

I don't think you needed to share the news about the will to sister. She obviously is unconcerned about grandma.

Giving your sister half isn't going to improve your relationship with her. She's going to take the money and still be the way she is.
Realistically all you will be doing is enabling her to be more comfortably off then you and you won't get any thanks for it.
If you can live with that then go for it and give her half. Just don't expect anything from it.
She's always going to resent you coz it was left to you.
Your grandmas has made her decision for a reason. She believes it's the right thing to do. Don't make any rush decisions. Maybe speak to someone more removed from the situation like your uncle and see if he can give you more clarity on your thoughts and decisions.

In my grandmother's will she was left half of the house as well as my uncle. However, it states in the will that if she (my mom) passes away before my grandmother it will automatically go to her children - my sister and I.

So the money you're arguing about is actually your grandmother's money, not your mum's. What did your mum's will say?

Since it's your grandmother's money, I'd stand by her change to the will and keep the money. It's what she wanted.

@Loluk
So you are sharing the house with your uncle, that means you will have to sell it together and share the proceeds or will one of you buy the other out? That will be awkward enough to agree on without having your sister nagging to either hurry up or don't sell it too cheap etc.

I'd make it known your sister shouldn't expect anything and then surprise her with an amount proportional to the amount of good grace shown in the following weeks or months.

Because I'm one of life's Givers and my own dd is one of life's takers.My ds contacts me a lot , but dd only when she wants money.

I'm sure you have some explanation for why you've always been totally justified in your clear favouritism and why you're always the good guy against your villainous daughter.

Has caring for your Gran impacted your ability or opportunity to earn? E.g. have you dropped days or turned down promotion offers to be there?

If so, perhaps the inheritance can be split proportionally. E.g. you have 2/3 to account for the fact you were financially worse off being there for your Gran.

If not, unfortunately, it would seem you need to split 50/50. Personally, as hard as it would be, I think your sister should accept your Gran's wishes. Nothing to say she wouldn't have changed her will to split it between your Mum, Uncle and you following your care for her.

I wish you and your Gran well at this troubling time.

Your mum decided what she wanted to do with her inheritance, and it was to give it to her bf, not you and your sister.

So you should definitely do what your gran wants with HER money.

Sod your sister. She's reaping what she sowed. She sounds like she has never been there for you, and she has shown no care to you at all.

Time for you to think about yourself.

And whatever you do, don't care for your sister or dad if they ever need it!

How did your mum’s boyfriend receive anything if she died suddenly and intestate? Everything is supposed to go to next of kin, no?

I'd make it known your sister shouldn't expect anything and then surprise her with an amount proportional to the amount of good grace shown in the following weeks or months.

Ha, yes - do this.

I'd split the money. I wouldn't want to fall out over cash. Money comes and money goes.