Should I halve my inheritance with my sister?

[Loluk]

Hi all,

I'm in a bit of a situation and I'd like to know what your guys' opinion is on this. Because I'm genuinely torn in two.

So, for context my mother passed away 5 years ago. In my grandmother's will she was left half of the house as well as my uncle. However, it states in the will that if she (my mom) passes away before my grandmother it will automatically go to her children - my sister and I.

My grandmother was very vocal about this, hence us knowing about it.
I took over caring for my nan when my mom passed away, for the past 5 years. My sister has seen her maybe once or twice within these 5 years. My grandmother spoke to me and said she wanted to change her will so that my uncle gets half of the house and I get the other half. She wanted to cut my sister out as I'd done so much for her and my sister hadn't seen her for years.
I of course said this was a bad idea and although I get the sentiment behind it (she is a beautiful lady), it should of been my mom's money, so in turn should be both my sisters and I's money.

She went with my uncle to change the will anyway. I have told my sister as I don't want there to be any secrets between us. She obviously was not happy and refuses to see my grandmother at all now.

My dad said when I receive the money that I must give my sister half anyway as it would be majorly unfair. I said I would. But I felt pressured into saying that but not really knowing how I truly feel.
I'm not unkind but my sister is in her 30s and still living at my dad's, rent free, bill free etc. Whereas I am a homeowner who is very much struggling. The money would help me massively and would help us get back on track. But also I'm aware it's family money so it should be split between my sister and I?

Some people I've spoken to are saying, it's your grandmother's money, she can do what she wants with it. Some are saying I would be selfish to not share with my sister.

What do you guys think?

How on paper does the op have more than her sis?
Whose living rent free having fancy hen do and getting married when op pays for everything, why? Because she is older?
Also there isn't much relationship to lose.

Why not just give your sister eg £1,500 and tell her actually granny had a lot of debts so that's half

She owns a house, she is married.
Her sister doesn't own a house and isn't married.

One has more on paper than the other.

Can you share it with your sister but just don’t be honest about 50/50. Maybe give her 30-40% instead.

That's what I was going to suggest

@Milkmani her sister isn’t just living rent-free. Her sister is saving at home with her partner for a mortgage. You are being absolutely unfair and totally ridiculous.
should her sister move out and rent and forget about buying a house then? Should she not have an inheritance to give her to her own children just because the OP fools resentment that she’s saving for a mortgage at home ? She’s not just skiving with her dad 🙄🙄🙄What’s her living situation? Got to do with any of this anyway?
The OP has omitted to say why her sister has refused to see her grandmother. They could be a family feud old resentments all sorts of issues as to why she hasn’t seen her grandmother.
Before the grandmother changed her, 😮will the OP only got to get half anyway, so I don’t understand why she is now feeling so entitled
take the money OP, but remember you may not have a sister or a good relationship with your dad. It’s your call . I’d rather a relationship with my family and build on that then money. you made that decision to care for your Nan. Nobody told you you had to

If the roles were reversed OP do you think your sister would share it? I suspect not based on what you have written. Think about that.
Also I think inheritances should be up to the person who is giving it to decide who it goes to. It’s their money. I think your grandmother would be very upset to have learned you gave it to your sister as it goes against her wishes. After all she went to the effort of making a new will.

Also why would the sister want money from someone she doesn’t talk to or have much of a relationship with? I think it’s very telling about the sisters character.

Dont split inheritance but gift your sister as it is your own money? She obviously need help financially that's why she is living at your Dad's. Why would you want to damage your relationship with your sister forever? Is it worth it to lose a sister whom you love? Think of the consequences and make the decision?

@Loluk Should you honour your Grans wishes, it will come at a cost, your relationship with your sister and with your father, who may well change his Will to favour your sister, will change, possibly forever.

I was once in a v similar situation, i decided to honour the testators wishes, what it meant was i will never see my siblings again and my children will never have a relationship with their cousins etc & your sis may well have kids in the future, you well blow your whole wider family apart, as the Will has done for me.

I'll be honest, i'm not sure i made the right decision.

You ve told dad you will share, i don't really see that you can go back on that now, so you will have to not honour your Grans wishes.

@Loluk you sound an incredible person.

Your Dad should have zero say. He could support both his daughters by charging sister some rent and giving you money towards your mortgage. Instead he has one DD living bill free while the other gets zero support.
Do you not think that this might be part of the reason Gran is trying to even up what you both receive?

At most I'd split 30/70 or 25/75 something not 50/50 that's completely going against your Grans wishes.

If the money had gone via your mum, then you wouldn't see any of it. It would have gone to the BF.

Just because someone has more doesn’t me they don’t deserve it. If you work hard, pay your mortgage and care for someone that is hard work whether it is part-time or not. The sister is out for herself, works locally 9-5, there is plenty of time to help care for someone outside of those hours - tiring yes but that’s life. I’d be resentful too if my sister was like as OP described. Luckily mine also helped care for my dad and we spilt looking after him. As many said above if OP hadn’t cared for her grandmother there would probably be no inheritance - my uncle’s care is currently a grand a week.

I don't think she sounds like she resents her sister, I think she is upset as there is a clear imbalance in their relarionship fuelled by her father that means more is expected of OP whilst more is simply given to her sister.

But if she did reset her it'd be fair. Her sister feels entitled to her grandmothers money even though she has little contact with her, whilst OP has a lot. Her dad is supporting sisters entitlement as they should 'get the same' but get the impression OP will not receive the same money her sister has been given in saved rent.

The fact that you feel OP has more as she has a house and is married, whilst her sister is not a homeowner nor married is bizarre. OP has said she is struggling financially whilst her sister has zero rent/house bills. Yet is expected to give half her inheritance to her sister just because it's 'the same'. Nothing about the balance of the relationship has been the same in any other regard.

Not even going to comment on your implication that someone who is married 'has more' than an unmarried person because it's so utterly ridiculous.

If there’s a family feud with the grandmother why does the sister want the grandmother’s money 🤷🏼‍♀️ The relationship doesn’t seem great anyway. Honestly, feud or not if you can’t be bothered to look after or see someone in the 5 years before they die then you shouldn’t be entitled anyway.

@Milkmani
I agree with you and I never said that just because someone has more doesn't mean they don't deserve more.

My question was about where the OPs resentment is coming from.

I'm sorry for your loss and for your current situation.
My advice would be to give it some time but definitely split the money.
However I would have zero expectations from your sister.
Mine no longer talks to me sadly.
So maybe boundaries and keep your distance for your own mental health.

It should be split in half

I really don’t think it should be about how much one has vs the other. To start with, age difference can make a huge difference - eg most people don’t own a house at 30yo but many more do at 35yo
But also if you do, then you should also take into account how much help one has received - and in this case, the stater seems to have received a lot if help from the father…..

But more to the point.
This money is NOT and never has been your sister. So giving half of tte inheritance to her means you giving a huge gift to your sister (because yes you could). Do you really want to do that to someone who doesn’t care about you but expects you to be there for them??

I feel there are some very complicated stuff going on in your family (yes incl your gran). All the talk about ‘but I love her dearly’ (from you and your dad btw) is making me uneasy when she is clearly treating both poorly but is happy to take (and demand??).
I don’t think your issue is the inheritance. Your issue is more around family relationship, toxic relationship, being ‘the good girl who always does the right thing’ whilst expecting nothing in return. And boundaries.

im curious to know what your DH thinks about your sister and the idea you’d give away a big sum of money to her….

There is no need to be confused. What you need is a cool head. Which given your nans situation and the death of your mother means you are emotionally vulnerable.

• Your nans decision is hers to make.
• She’s made a wise decision. Based on love and affection for the one who loved her and took care of her.
• Giving away your inheritance would be disrespecting your nans wishes.
• You are not put on this earth to be ‘fair’ to your sister. It doesn’t even arise in this situation.
• Your mom has nothing to do with this.
• It’s not your dads decision.
• Your sister is callous. I imagine she’ll contrive to get your dads house. And I’d bet she’d not share with you.
• It is easy for people on the internet to tell you to share.
• And it’s easy to say it’s fair, or that you should placate your sister. You’ll never placate her.

I’m of the opinion that life’s carers often do a thankless task, and get used by others. Your kind grandmother sees that in you and is being kind to you. I’ve seen carers left nothing while siblings get everything. Don’t be a fool.

Sorry for you loss, and impending loss.

Ywnbu to keep all of your half

however it will clearly cause resentment with your sister and your dad. Your sister might make very good use of the money.

it might be what your sister needs to get on her own two feet. So I would probably give her half to keep the peace. Or offer to pay a chunk of her house deposit in future (trickier).

Even if you gave your sister half, I bet your dad would still leave you out of his will in favour of your sister. As outsiders, we can see how unfairly treated and manipulated you are by the pair of them.

Why would a parent ask a financially struggling child to give up a life-changing amount of money to a sibling who already has everything paid for by that parent?

The answer, sadly, is because you are not important to them. I'm so sorry 💔

Exactly this @Loluk , please listen!

Would you not feel resentful if you spent 5 years looking after someone and your sister didn’t give a shit? OP also said she suffered miscarriage/child loss and other bereavement and the sister wasn’t bothered and didn’t reach out. I know I would have cut her off at this point.

How much is the money worth compared to your relationship with your sister. What is the likely fallout with your wider family. Those are the real questions. You can't have relationships with people entirely on your own terms

Could you try an honest, straight up, conversation with your sister? Perhaps you're able to agree on something different to 50/50 or all going to you?

There's members of my family who've shown their love of money over people and relationships. I'm not getting involved in the conflicts, the situations strictly speaking are none of my business, but I'm making zero effort to stay in touch with them. It demonstrates they have different values to me. I can't trust that they are what I consider honest, decent, human beings

No you shouldn't give your sister half under the circumstances you describe.