2 years in of earning less than DH, and I'm starting to feel resentful

[Nubnut]

I'm asking for advice as I'm quite early on in this marriage/money thing and I'd like to hear from more experienced women who've been there.

The situation I'm going to describe is probably quite classic!

Two years ago we earned the same (me very slightly more, with better conditions).

DH got an amazing work opportunity that meant he would have an interesting exciting job and more money. We had a one year-old at the time (I was back at work for 3 months already and happy).

The new job involved moving very far away. We decided to go for it, agreeing to re-evaluate after a few years. I took a different job that was paid less than the one before, but was more flexible and I got it immediately so no period of job hunting in the new town.

To balance out our finances, DH pays for 2/3 of the mortgage and bills. We spilt everything else 50/50.

There are two things that bother me:

1. I feel "locked in" to his career path now, as if I went back to my former career path it was obviously be disadvantageous to us, because he will have had years building up his, whereas I've left mine where it was. So it's not the "we can just go back to yours if it doesn't work out", which we had discussed at the get go (this is all theoretical and financial-based, I'm not desperate to go back to the former career, but wouldn't mind, and would be prepared to if it was best for everyone).
2. Sometimes when I budget (like suggest we book an early morning flight to save 30 quid) he gets frustrated. I often have to point out that he has double the amount of spending money (after bills) that I have, so obviously we see things differently. This annoys me, because I had the means to earn the same as him, and because of our decision, I'm in a position where I'm the budgeting one and he doesn't have to think about money. I never expected to be in a partnership with a higher-earning partner (maybe this was naive), because I felt the world had changed, and it actually really annoys me, I feel like my grandparents' generation.

It doesn't worry me that much, but I worry how I'm going to feel about it later down the line. Does anyone have any experience?

I have my own savings, investments and pension. Relationship is strong. Married 6 years. We're soon having another baby, splitting leave 70/30 (me/him)

What do you think?

If your finances are this separate you never should have agreed to sacrifice your career for his. You are either jointly benefitting or the decisions should not be joint.

That's what I'm wondering: should I suggest we have equal spending money after bills?

Yes and I'd not be suggesting it, I'd be demanding it. Due to his attitude. If he's not willing to live the shared parts of your life at the capacity of the lower earner, he needs to be funding the more opulent convenient lifestyle that he wants to live.

It concerns me a lot, this attitude that he should be able to do whatever he wants just because he can and to hell with how it affects you. If you develop a health condition is he going to insist you keep up as if there were nothing wrong or be left behind? I mean that literally and metaphorically. Marriage is supposed to be a team. His attitude doesn't say "team" to me.

I don't believe how you say the relationship is strong. Seems to me it's only "strong" when he's getting his own way and as soon as he can't get his own way he gets annoyed. That's not a strong relationship, that's a one-sided power-imbalanced one.

Man here. I earn all the money pay all the bills and pay 50% of whats left to SAHM. Anything else is taking the piss

The moment you agreed to make a change to your career to benefit his, you needed to change how your finances are arranged. His every success
should benefit you as much as him

if you need to have separate accounts you can still do that, but the money flowing into those accounts should be equal

Which bit is it you don’t like @Janieforever ?

How can they be a family if he does not value her enough to share all his worldly goods and makes her take an early cheap fight while he travels on a later one that cost more ?

And lots of other posters are agreeing with me that all money in should be to one pot, all expenses from this and then transfer money to personal accounts for personal spending on shampoo ?

If money is not arranged to be shared when there is unequal earning due to one spouse having to move location and give up a high paying job, and then this spouse decides to stay at home and do the work of bring up the baby, then I would find it insulting that my husband didn’t see my contribution of equal value.

so you are right, there is some insulting going on, but he is insulting her by not valuing what she does and making equal access to their jointly earned income.

she is giving him access to her labour and time to care for the baby

We have our salaries paid into our own accounts. We then transfer a set amount of our salaries into joint account to cover all bills/ food/ stuff for kids. That proportion has been different % at different times so not always 50/50 depending on what we are earning individually. We also have a joint savings account which we contribute into for bigger stuff like house decorating and holidays etc. What is left in our personal accounts is ours to spend so my husband saves into his own personal account as do I. I don’t think there is one ‘right’ way to do money. Putting everything in together would never work for us I prefer my own account but clearly you feel things are out of balance so you need to discuss this and try to get to a place where you feel valued.

Am also in the pool everything camp. I really struggle to understand how you’d agree joint financial goals as a couple without pooling to a degree. Eg we’ve agreed what our pension contributions should be, whether we want expensive activities or holidays, how much to spend on the kids etc. for you, joint account with a personal spend budget could work well but it is not fair if you have much less access to money than he does.

I was listening to a money podcast over the weekend and the most extreme example of this you v me spending was a guy in America who made his wife pay full cost of her epidural as he thought she could have held out longer and had a cheaper birth. That isn’t a partnership to me but neither is nitpicking over who had what sandwich for lunch or buying different flights because one person has more.

You’ve sacrificed your career and earning power to follow him in his career, plus had / having 2 babies. If he refused to have fully joint account then he’s an ass

Dh and I have been together over 20 years and have never had completely joint finances - we have a joint account which all bills and food come out of, a joint savings account then our own separate accounts for personal spends. It works for us. Completely joint, transparent finances is hailed on mn as being the only way, but ime it's not.

However, neither of us would leave the other one short, or leave one person budgeting whilst the other can spend what they like. That's not how a marriage works, especially when you've taken the cut in income through no choice of your own.

wtf

in what world do you take a better paid job that means your dp has to relocate and take a job earning less - then on top of that you make them pay half the bills but ultimately they have a lot less spending money

fuck that, if that is the type of person you're married, no wonder you're resentful.

you should pool your money and have the same spending money what a complete and utter piss take otherwise.

They haven't compromised at all - you've done all the compromising and then they have attitude with you

do they actually like you?

You definitely have to find what works for BOTH of you. It is clear from all the replies how different each family is! Before we had children we took home similar amounts and so just put 50/50 into the bills account but when we had children I went part time and so my income reduced. That is when we switched it around. So now we both get paid into the joint, mortgage, bills, kids clubs, food etc all come out of this account. Whatever is left over gets split 50/50 into our own accounts to spend on what we want. We definitely have our own separate money spaces but it comes from our equal money pot. Does that make sense??? I hope you can find something that works for you.

There's a very simple reason for that. Babies.

Where a man has a higher income it's often as the result of the woman taking a hit on pay due either to having had time off to raise a child/maternity leave, or due to the possibility of this meaning she can't obtain the same promotion or wages from her company as a man would because discrimination is still a thing. Or even because, as in the OP's case, she's sidelined her career in favour of his, which is also quite often due to the knowledge that the woman will end up taking a pay hit due to children at some point.

Children that women have to carry and birth, leading to changes to their bodies that sometimes cause health problems down the line, even if not actual birth injuries causing problems right away.

When a man earns less than a woman it's rarely because he's been a SAHD for a few years. Where a woman has been a SAHM it wasn't even always her choice. Quite often her partner sees the childcare expenses as solely hers and won't pay childcare out of his own earnings so she can return to work and not have a career gap, if the entirety of her earnings will also go on childcare, ie the childcare costs more than the entirety of her wages. Or he earns a low wage so simply can't afford to pay childcare and cover the family's expenses, meaning that as a family they can't afford for her to return to work if her earnings won't cover all the childcare, her travel to work, lunches, work clothes and any other work related expenses.

It's rare for men to pick up the slack because a child is ill, so employers favour men where jobs require committment without any flexibility from the employer. Women are supposed to be the ones to provide flexibility in their ability to work/not work depending on childcare arrangements, children's sickness and school holidays. All this impacts their ability to work full time, their earning power in terms of hourly rate and their ability for career progression.

When a man earns less than a woman usually none of these factors above are relevant. That's why the advice is different.

sorry but I dont really get this 50/50, 70/30, 60/40 split thing going on these days! if you trust each other then both should have the ability to spend what you want within reason. it is joint money, neither yours nor his! My hubby and I have never had a joint account but we still paid all bills from OUR money! Internet banking is done by me cos hubby doesnt know how. i know exactly how much money is in every account and if there is not enough to pay large bill which would normally come from his named account then I would just transfer money to his account from mine. we do not question day to day expenses like shampoo or clothing. It has been like this since we married and I was earning double him. Now he earns double me but it makes no difference. It is all our money!!

I'm the bigger earner in our family. Everything goes into one pot for bills, holidays, savings etc. we both have the same amount of spending money each month to spend on social life, treats, clothes etc. if there's a 'need' purchase e.g. new glasses, it'll come out of the joint account. Works for us, I have no resentment that we have the same despite me earning more.

Every day there's a post where a married couple, usually with kids, have some bizarre, complicated set up regarding bills which always ends up with one party being treated unfairly. Both salaries into one joint account. From this account all bills including childcare are deducted. Then what is left over is split between joint savings and personal discretionary money - each person getting the same. DH and I get £600 each a month. Our phone contracts and things like contact lenses etc come out of that too. It's easy and fair.

People generally post when they are unhappy about something and asking for advice though.

There will also be plenty of married couples out there with separate finances with no issues because it works for them so they obviously don't start posts about it.

I'm early 30s and do this with my DH. We get £200 a month into our individual accounts to spend as we like. Started because I was getting annoyed that DH spent loads on coffee/food at work (pre-covid) while I took a packed lunch.

Everything else comes in and out of our joint account (bills, mortgage, savings, childcare, etc).

Both sets of parents are still in their marriages.

Thanks everyone for your helpful advice! I really appreciate it.

I just want to point out that there is a lot of mischaracterising and assumptions going on in some responses!

not every bad arrangement in a marriage is due to one spouse controlling or refusing to do ABC or being borderline abusive or being misogynistic or whatever. Sometimes people just make arrangements that seem to make sense at the time, and then realise it’s not working out, or it wasn’t the right way of doing things, and need to adjust. Very often when one spouse is treating the other unfairly, it’s not deliberate, it’s not vindictive, it’s just not realising. When you are lucky enough to have a comfortable life and not question money every single month, you can just drift on and not have these conversations which then end up being needed, and you can not realise how things are.

I think we can live together much better as men and women in marriages if we start from the assumption that most people have good intentions (and no fear I have met the ones that don’t too!)

To be clear because of the 70/30 split with mortgage and bills, I end up with the same spending money I had when I had the higher paying job, even though I earn less.
I was wondering though if it was fair that this hasn’t gone up at all even though his has, and in general that he has more spending money than me. This thread (thank you!) has shown me that no it’s not fair, and we should have both our salaries going into the same account. So that’s what I’ll suggest and that’s what we’ll do. No drama!

Both if you should have the same amount of spending money.

My DH looked after our kids, we had the same amount of spends, its only fair.

Sort it out esp as you gave up your career for him!

If you’re married with children, you should have equal spending money.

I say that as the much, much higher earner. My wife works part time and our kids are teenagers.

who are you to tell people what a family is or isn't?