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Original poster

2 years in of earning less than DH, and I'm starting to feel resentful

122 replies

Nubnut · 07/10/2023 21:44

I'm asking for advice as I'm quite early on in this marriage/money thing and I'd like to hear from more experienced women who've been there.

The situation I'm going to describe is probably quite classic!

Two years ago we earned the same (me very slightly more, with better conditions).

DH got an amazing work opportunity that meant he would have an interesting exciting job and more money. We had a one year-old at the time (I was back at work for 3 months already and happy).

The new job involved moving very far away. We decided to go for it, agreeing to re-evaluate after a few years. I took a different job that was paid less than the one before, but was more flexible and I got it immediately so no period of job hunting in the new town.

To balance out our finances, DH pays for 2/3 of the mortgage and bills. We spilt everything else 50/50.

There are two things that bother me:

  1. I feel "locked in" to his career path now, as if I went back to my former career path it was obviously be disadvantageous to us, because he will have had years building up his, whereas I've left mine where it was. So it's not the "we can just go back to yours if it doesn't work out", which we had discussed at the get go (this is all theoretical and financial-based, I'm not desperate to go back to the former career, but wouldn't mind, and would be prepared to if it was best for everyone).
  2. Sometimes when I budget (like suggest we book an early morning flight to save 30 quid) he gets frustrated. I often have to point out that he has double the amount of spending money (after bills) that I have, so obviously we see things differently. This annoys me, because I had the means to earn the same as him, and because of our decision, I'm in a position where I'm the budgeting one and he doesn't have to think about money. I never expected to be in a partnership with a higher-earning partner (maybe this was naive), because I felt the world had changed, and it actually really annoys me, I feel like my grandparents' generation.

It doesn't worry me that much, but I worry how I'm going to feel about it later down the line. Does anyone have any experience?

I have my own savings, investments and pension. Relationship is strong. Married 6 years. We're soon having another baby, splitting leave 70/30 (me/him)

What do you think?

OP posts:
isthewashingdryyet · 07/10/2023 21:47

Dear goodness, you are married and have a baby.
All money in one pot and then equal spending money. Otherwise you are not a family, just cohabiting people who have sex.

SausageAndEggSandwich · 07/10/2023 21:49

I think you need a joint account and ALL family spend - bills, mortgage, petrol, holidays, food, birthday presents, childcare comes out of it. Also add in a bit extra for shared savings which comes out by DD once a month

DH puts in X amount proportional to income, you put in Y amount.

Whatever is left in your own account is for your own personal spend.

DustyLee123 · 07/10/2023 21:49

Exactly, all money in one pot and equal spends.
Would he consider boosting your pension so it’s more like his ?

Original poster
Nubnut · 07/10/2023 21:50

Thanks. That's what I'm wondering: should I suggest we have equal spending money after bills?
His work is more stressful and he works longer hours. But I would too if I had stayed in the work I was doing before.

OP posts:
LusaBatoosa · 07/10/2023 21:50

If you moved and put your career at a disadvantage to benefit his, then all finances should be joint. You should have the exact same amount of money as he does, otherwise it makes no sense.

LusaBatoosa · 07/10/2023 21:51

Nubnut · 07/10/2023 21:50

Thanks. That's what I'm wondering: should I suggest we have equal spending money after bills?
His work is more stressful and he works longer hours. But I would too if I had stayed in the work I was doing before.

I send that everyone said the same thing as I was typing!

No, everything should be joint. Spends, savings, investments. All of it.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 07/10/2023 21:52

Nubnut · 07/10/2023 21:50

Thanks. That's what I'm wondering: should I suggest we have equal spending money after bills?
His work is more stressful and he works longer hours. But I would too if I had stayed in the work I was doing before.

Yes, of course you should! You're a partnership. You're looking after the dc and facilitating him going back to work.

SoftPillowAllNight · 07/10/2023 21:52

No to equal spending money.

Yes to ALL money is joint money. All savings are available to both to spend reasonably,

HOW are you still splitting money when married? You'll be richer if you divorce him - get this into his head.

Whalewatchers · 07/10/2023 21:52

Is he a tight wad? Why are you splitting everything 50/50 if he is earning more? You should have a joint account for joint expenses such as flights. Not one person able to spend and not have to worry and the other one not able to keep up.

He could have EASILY said, I'll book the morning flights and pay the difference for you. Even though that's still really weird in my mind as your money should be each others, not his and hers.

Slothlikemum · 07/10/2023 21:54

Nubnut · 07/10/2023 21:50

Thanks. That's what I'm wondering: should I suggest we have equal spending money after bills?
His work is more stressful and he works longer hours. But I would too if I had stayed in the work I was doing before.

But all that means is that you're carrying the load in terms of the home and looking after children. You're not sitting around on your arse. You work out of the home and work harder in the home if he's out working long hours. You deserve to share money.

Millybob · 07/10/2023 21:54

If you're going to follow a man's career around the country to your own detriment - like a 1950s housewife - then you need to make sure he's a 1950s husband who believes in providing for you out of one family pot.

Original poster
Nubnut · 07/10/2023 21:56

I want my own account and privacy over what I spend on myself, because sometimes I buy stuff that I wouldn't want anyone to know how much it cost (like 15 pounds for a really good shampoo/conditioner).
So I wouldn't want everything to be shared and completely out there in the open. I feel that he would judge (and with good reason) some of the things I buy.
He's not into nice things like I am. He just lets his money accumulate in his account. He would buy all his weekend clothes from H&M unless I pointed out how badly they fit and fall apart after one season. (just to paint a picture!)

OP posts:
StSwithinsDay · 07/10/2023 21:56

You share a child. Why is money more important? Why not have a joint account that all money goes into and all money comes out of? That is what we have done for more than 25 years and it works. DH has always earned far more than I have but not once has he ever questioned what I spend money on. I couldn't live like that.

Original poster
Nubnut · 07/10/2023 21:56

Millybob · 07/10/2023 21:54

If you're going to follow a man's career around the country to your own detriment - like a 1950s housewife - then you need to make sure he's a 1950s husband who believes in providing for you out of one family pot.

Haha, thank you

OP posts:
Bendysnap · 07/10/2023 21:57

You’re acting like friends or flatmates, not spouses. You’re married - everthing should be joint. One joint account. Or more specifically - why on earth are you splitting some things 50:50 when he earns more? If you’re going to keep things separate (like a small minority of my married friends do) for gods sake do the maths and make it fair!

StSwithinsDay · 07/10/2023 21:57

If you feel you have to hide your personal spending get a Revolut account and transfer money to that.

Original poster
Nubnut · 07/10/2023 21:57

StSwithinsDay · 07/10/2023 21:56

You share a child. Why is money more important? Why not have a joint account that all money goes into and all money comes out of? That is what we have done for more than 25 years and it works. DH has always earned far more than I have but not once has he ever questioned what I spend money on. I couldn't live like that.

This sounds idyllic but I cannot imagine this!

OP posts:
Bendysnap · 07/10/2023 21:58

In terms of privacy - I have credit card that DH doesn’t look at the statement as it come just to me and I just settle it out of the joint account. (And he the same)

Orangeinmybluelightcup · 07/10/2023 21:59

We have a joint account. All money goes into there. All bills come out. Most spending is from the joint account. We then have our own personal accounts, which some spending money is paid into each month. Currently £80. I seem to spend mine on pub quiz night and vinted purchases, currently! Dh spends his on football tickets. Maybe something like this would work for you.

Original poster
Nubnut · 07/10/2023 21:59

Slothlikemum · 07/10/2023 21:54

But all that means is that you're carrying the load in terms of the home and looking after children. You're not sitting around on your arse. You work out of the home and work harder in the home if he's out working long hours. You deserve to share money.

Show quote history

For clarity, I don't work out of the home, I have a full time job in an office, our child is in nursery full-time, and we share pick-ups equally (we don't have a nanny or babysitter or anything).

OP posts:
xyz111 · 07/10/2023 22:00

SausageAndEggSandwich · 07/10/2023 21:49

I think you need a joint account and ALL family spend - bills, mortgage, petrol, holidays, food, birthday presents, childcare comes out of it. Also add in a bit extra for shared savings which comes out by DD once a month

DH puts in X amount proportional to income, you put in Y amount.

Whatever is left in your own account is for your own personal spend.

This is what we do. So I can go and spend £100 at the hairdresser and he can spend £60 on the new FIFA game, and neither of us care 🤣

Original poster
Nubnut · 07/10/2023 22:00

Orangeinmybluelightcup · 07/10/2023 21:59

We have a joint account. All money goes into there. All bills come out. Most spending is from the joint account. We then have our own personal accounts, which some spending money is paid into each month. Currently £80. I seem to spend mine on pub quiz night and vinted purchases, currently! Dh spends his on football tickets. Maybe something like this would work for you.

I think this kind of thing is what we need. Thank you.

OP posts:
LusaBatoosa · 07/10/2023 22:00

Nubnut · 07/10/2023 21:57

This sounds idyllic but I cannot imagine this!

Show quote history

I think this is most marriages, tbh.

You can have everything joint and then have separate ‘fun’ accounts into which you transfer money for the month. This should be the same amount for both of you.

Doyouthinktheyknow · 07/10/2023 22:01

We have never had this issue because money has always been family money. It’s worked for us and I did step back in my career when my dc were young. We have been together 28 years and had shared finances from a couple of years in, always worked for us.

I think keeping finances separate is odd if it is penalizing one half of the partnership. You are both contributing in different ways.

Original poster
Nubnut · 07/10/2023 22:01

xyz111 · 07/10/2023 22:00

This is what we do. So I can go and spend £100 at the hairdresser and he can spend £60 on the new FIFA game, and neither of us care 🤣

Show quote history

Or this.

I'm glad I asked on this forum! Thanks everyone.

OP posts: