2 years in of earning less than DH, and I'm starting to feel resentful

[Nubnut]

I'm asking for advice as I'm quite early on in this marriage/money thing and I'd like to hear from more experienced women who've been there.

The situation I'm going to describe is probably quite classic!

Two years ago we earned the same (me very slightly more, with better conditions).

DH got an amazing work opportunity that meant he would have an interesting exciting job and more money. We had a one year-old at the time (I was back at work for 3 months already and happy).

The new job involved moving very far away. We decided to go for it, agreeing to re-evaluate after a few years. I took a different job that was paid less than the one before, but was more flexible and I got it immediately so no period of job hunting in the new town.

To balance out our finances, DH pays for 2/3 of the mortgage and bills. We spilt everything else 50/50.

There are two things that bother me:

1. I feel "locked in" to his career path now, as if I went back to my former career path it was obviously be disadvantageous to us, because he will have had years building up his, whereas I've left mine where it was. So it's not the "we can just go back to yours if it doesn't work out", which we had discussed at the get go (this is all theoretical and financial-based, I'm not desperate to go back to the former career, but wouldn't mind, and would be prepared to if it was best for everyone).
2. Sometimes when I budget (like suggest we book an early morning flight to save 30 quid) he gets frustrated. I often have to point out that he has double the amount of spending money (after bills) that I have, so obviously we see things differently. This annoys me, because I had the means to earn the same as him, and because of our decision, I'm in a position where I'm the budgeting one and he doesn't have to think about money. I never expected to be in a partnership with a higher-earning partner (maybe this was naive), because I felt the world had changed, and it actually really annoys me, I feel like my grandparents' generation.

It doesn't worry me that much, but I worry how I'm going to feel about it later down the line. Does anyone have any experience?

I have my own savings, investments and pension. Relationship is strong. Married 6 years. We're soon having another baby, splitting leave 70/30 (me/him)

What do you think?

If you don't want to share finances, don't marry. Marriage is literally agreeing, in a legally binding way, to share finances. It makes no sense to sign up to the sharing of all assets if it ever matters and then not share assets. No judgement either way. Both options exist for a reason.

But we do not live in an equal world. Motherhood - hell, even the spectre of possible motherhood - reduces women's earning power, often dramatically, in a way that it doesn't men's, which is often actually boosted by fatherhood. So if you want to have a family with someone, it often makes sense to enter into a legal agreement which protects one partner if their earning potential suffers, temporarily or permanently. And in a lifelong partnership, odds are very high that at some point someone will struggle financially, whether it be parenthood, ill health, unemployment. When you agree to marry, you agree to support one another financially through those times, which means pooling earnings and operating as a unit. Again, you don't have to do that. But if you don't want to do it, it's probably best not to legally agree to do it.

Could this be the issue? That you see this as sacrifice, and him being the beneficiary - is this how he sees it? Or does he feel he is working harder for everyone and thus deserves more? I am not picking a side, just saying that different outlooks can make resentment compound on both sides.

Fwiw, I'm a bit older than you (late 30s), but we have always pooled all money. I don't think it makes me "more married", but I do find it the easiest way. And I say this as the higher earner. What would I do with keeping my excess income to myself?? Have a secret savings account just for me - holiday alone? Have expensive hobbies my husband can't afford?

Very interesting!

Joint account 100%!!!

All earnings land into a joint account. Use this for mortgage/rent, bills, utilities, TV subscriptions, car stuff, child stuff.

Joint savings accounts as well for certain things e.g. House deposit, holidays, long term savings, etc.

Send an agreed equal amount to your personal accounts for your own spending. My husband and I have £200 each per month. I use this for my gym membership, seeing friends, buying clothes/gifts, etc. Hubby spends his on golf stuff, seeing friends, bites to eat, tickets etc. We don't comment or get annoyed at each other's spending - its up to us what we spend the £200 on.

We also have separate private savings accounts so if I don't spend all of my £200 per month, I can save bits of it and use it for a bigger purchase later down the line i.e. Christmas gifts, new phone, running shoes 😊

Or people can get married if they want to and manage their finances how they agree on which works differently for different couples.

Separate finances works really well for some people. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I did something similar when my son was 18 months old, my husband had a great job opportunity 200 miles away and I was stagnating a bit in my job after returning from maternity leave. So we moved and I struggled to find a job at a level to what I used to have that paid enough to cover nursery fees. So we decided ( joint decision) to have another child and I would be a SAHM for a few years.

This worked well because we had always combined our incomes from the day we got married, just one bank current account which covered all our bills and gave us a small, equal amount each for personal spending if there was anything left at the end of the month. Any saving accounts and investments were also in joint names and we discussed any deposits or spends before going ahead.

Initially I earned the most, then I only contributed the family allowance then I retrained as a teacher and began to contribute more, by then my husband was earning a lot more than me but we still put everything into one account. I actually think it stopped any arguments about money because we trusted each other to make wise decisions and not withdraw extra money without prior discussion. Both of us could look at the bank statements, credit card bills and both our pay slips even though my husband could not be bothered as he often worked away and left money management to me.

I don’t think I would have got married without this open arrangements.

Finances should be shared in my opinion, but everyone is different and that's what works for me. I am from divorced parents and my extremely rich Dad left my DM with very little when he left, lots hidden .

So for me I have a hard line on it all being shared for that reason . My and my DP earn very similar at the moment . He pays the mortgage, council tax , gas/elec , dog food etc from his salary. that come from our joint . I pay the food , childcare , all insurances , days out , holidays etc. This works for us as I'm the one that books holidays /days out etc so it makes sense. Although money is completely shared, and he normally transfers me an extra 300 to put into savings.

in this setup where one partner earns a lot more than the other, paying a share that is proportional to your earnings is rarely fair on the lower earner. It sounds plausible, but it isn’t. Because unless that proportion results in equal money left over for each person (and is revised with pay increases and bonuses), the higher earner always ends up with more, which often isn’t fair. No, they shouldn’t necessarily end up with more money just because they earn more. Earning more doesn’t necessarily equal working harder or deserving of more money than your partner, especially when the lower earner has taken a career and financial hit to support your career and/or care for children

however, for joint funds you do have to be in a partnership where you have compatible attitudes to money and spending - if you have one person who cannot budget and stop themselves spending money that will be needed in the future, I can completely understand why their partner would need to keep their money separate from that

and before the “if it were a man posting” whiners start, I earn more than my husband

It's how it will feel in the future if my career carries on being so so and his carries on flying, that bothers me.

This is your problem - you need to get your career back in the fast lane. If that’s disadvantageous to him then fuck it, he can take one for the team next time round.

If you do end up doing all the compromising again (and you shouldn’t) then you’d better negotiate like you’re Melania Trump.

The problem isn’t just the question of whether you have a joint account or not, it is that you have followed his career and in doing so, sacrificed your own earning potential. This is on top of having put more money into the house from your inheritance.
So, if there is no recognition of that, or a way of either evening it out so that you are not the one budgeting and he is spending, even though you are married, or that you have a chance to improve your earning potential, you will start to resent him.
If you weren’t feeling ‘locked in’ to his career path now, and you were still reaching your own earning potential, I am not sure the joint account question would matter so much. But you are financially screwed over having followed him and invested your inheritance in the marriage, really. That is the issue.

@Nubnut

we have a joint account and our own accounts.

salaries paid into our own accounts. AGES ago we calculated monthly outgoings and everything joint (mortgage bills childcare food kids supplies) is paid out for the joint account. The ratio we pay in used to reflect how much more than me DH earns (about 1.5:1) but that was a long time ago and our earnings and outgoings have changed And we’ve never recalculated.

so now it’s a bit more random. The standing orders keep rolling but we both move chunks of money into the joint account from time to time.

big one offs like holidays we tend to take it in Turns to pay depending who is motivated and organising though we check I’m with each other if we’re ok with it.

we both have our own money to spend. I get the impression I maybe have more spare than DH sometimes (but not always).

equity put into the house was recorded, we’ve discussed but not written down that other assets we hold are individual eg if we divorced we’d each keep our own.

neither of us would want the ‘all in one pot’ approach.

we are just starting to discuss balancing our investments better to plan for the future. Eg I have an ok pension, DHs is big. Should we make sure I invest more in my pension and him in other things, etc?

some separation is ok but there has to be trust, fairness and transparency for it to work.

If you are picking up the slack for your children and your career has suffered then no it is not acceptable that your husband has more spending money than you. We were exactly in the same position as you pre kids almost 40 years ago. We both earned roughly the same but after two maternity leaves and then having to work part time as my husband travelled a lot for work and did irregular hours his salary and career improved. Mine went down hill as the better grade jobs were full time and I needed flexibility to attend conferences. I agreed to prioritise my husbands career and the children. Consequently all income was joint and we both had the same personal spends.

I think it’s interesting that you’d characterise a relationship where the woman doesn’t earn ‘her own’ money as unequal, yet don’t seem to see the inequality of your own situation.

There are lots of relationships in which only one partner earns money. That doesn’t make the unequal, as there are lots of ways to contribute to a relationship and a household.

We pool all our income, pay all the bills, nursery fees, mortgage, all joint spending (including joint fun, holidays etc) and joint savings out of the joint account. And we have equal spending money, which goes into our individual accounts each month, because I like my privacy.

Earlier in our marriage we earnt similarly, sometimes me more. Atm he earns quite a bit more and I work PT. It might swing back in future or it might not. My view is very much that we both earn all the money in each of our salaries, iyswim - I ‘earn’ his salary as much as he does because on a day he’s working and I’m home with the kids, we’re both doing it for our whole family. And vice versa.

fwiw my parents had similar salaries, my mum a bit higher, and had a single joint account without any individual spending accounts, they weren’t fussed about being able to see each other’s Xmas shopping or treats 😂

Yes and you agreed to move town and compromise your own career and take on more load at home to facilitate this jump of his. This is your contribution. It is different but not less.

All bills/savings etc paid as joint and equal spending money is the only fair way!

I’m not sure how you got that from what she said. It’s a very clear post. You might disagree with her points, but completely disregarding them is a bit rude.

What are you even talking about? Disregarding a pp and being rude?

If you read the thread you can see that the poster I was talking too, came back and explained what she meant in clearer detail. I was genuinely confused by her comment and clearly didn’t understand her point.

Maybe butt out and stop taking offence at something that wasn’t even aimed at you? Weird

Actually, no. Someone else ‘butt in’ and explained it to you. So, you’re apparently confused about that, too.

@LusaBatoosa donkra very kindly explained her comment in full to me here. Yes a pp did before her but I’m talking about donkra’s reply.

I have no clue why you’re on my arse but pls get a fucking life bye

I mean…yes this is pretty much what I do with my separate money! Not married (and don’t want to be) and I’m the higher earner by just over double. Totally separate finances. We live in my flat, but plan to buy one together in a few years. I’ve no intention of adding him to the mortgage of this one. I have my own savings and can afford more luxuries and treats. I do sometimes solo travel, and I generally pay upfront for our joint holidays and he pays me back in instalments.

I would hate sharing a bank account tbh. He’s into guitars, if we had one joint account and he bought a guitar with money earned 75% by me, I can’t pretend I wouldn’t resent that, even if we were married. I don’t see why we should have equal spending money. But we don’t have kids and he hasn’t sacrificed anything to be with me. If his lower earnings were a direct result of decisions made to benefit me I think I’d feel more inclined to make up the shortfall by transferring him some extra each month, or paying more of the bills/mortgage so he has more left.

Not entirely sure what’s wrong with you, but it’s fortunately not my problem.

You randomly quoted me saying that I’ve completely disregarded someone and that it’s a bit rude. When I didn’t disregard the poster at all, I genuinely did not understand the point. You then get all snarky with me saying I must be ‘confused about that too’ when it was you who didn’t even see donkra’s comment back to me.

You’re trying to take medicine for someone else’s non existent headache and then you’re saying you’re not sure what’s wrong with me? Jesus. That’s enough internet for today

“If his lower earnings were a direct result of decisions made to benefit me I think I’d feel more inclined to make up the shortfall by transferring him some extra each month, or paying more of the bills/mortgage so he has more left.”

yes that would be the right thing to do

We do have children, and I am the higher earner, and we have gained all our assets together rather than separately. He earned more than me before, then his career took a backseat after I retrained, so for me to decide that I get to do more expensive hobbies that he can’t, just because I earn more, would not be on

You need to be clear you are now at a disadvantage career wise - because you supported his career progression. He now either needs to step back so you can realign work responsibilities and earnings or you have a joint account in which everything goes in and all bills/ kids stuff/ hobbies are paid from. He cannot have his cake (moving his family miles away so he can progress) and eat it! Otherwise this is not working for you so you reevaluate as you said you would and reset so you are fairly treated.

But he doesn't have to know (or care) what you're spending your money on. DH's and my money goes into a joint account, all bills, groceries, family holidays, donations to agreed-upon charities etc come out of that account. A certain amount (the same for each of us) gets automatically transferred at the start of each month into our respective spending accounts which the other one doesn't have access to. Neither of us feels guilty if we buy something the other would think is wasteful because that money is ours to do what we want with. I don't care what he spends his on, and vice-versa.