2 years in of earning less than DH, and I'm starting to feel resentful

[Nubnut]

I'm asking for advice as I'm quite early on in this marriage/money thing and I'd like to hear from more experienced women who've been there.

The situation I'm going to describe is probably quite classic!

Two years ago we earned the same (me very slightly more, with better conditions).

DH got an amazing work opportunity that meant he would have an interesting exciting job and more money. We had a one year-old at the time (I was back at work for 3 months already and happy).

The new job involved moving very far away. We decided to go for it, agreeing to re-evaluate after a few years. I took a different job that was paid less than the one before, but was more flexible and I got it immediately so no period of job hunting in the new town.

To balance out our finances, DH pays for 2/3 of the mortgage and bills. We spilt everything else 50/50.

There are two things that bother me:

1. I feel "locked in" to his career path now, as if I went back to my former career path it was obviously be disadvantageous to us, because he will have had years building up his, whereas I've left mine where it was. So it's not the "we can just go back to yours if it doesn't work out", which we had discussed at the get go (this is all theoretical and financial-based, I'm not desperate to go back to the former career, but wouldn't mind, and would be prepared to if it was best for everyone).
2. Sometimes when I budget (like suggest we book an early morning flight to save 30 quid) he gets frustrated. I often have to point out that he has double the amount of spending money (after bills) that I have, so obviously we see things differently. This annoys me, because I had the means to earn the same as him, and because of our decision, I'm in a position where I'm the budgeting one and he doesn't have to think about money. I never expected to be in a partnership with a higher-earning partner (maybe this was naive), because I felt the world had changed, and it actually really annoys me, I feel like my grandparents' generation.

It doesn't worry me that much, but I worry how I'm going to feel about it later down the line. Does anyone have any experience?

I have my own savings, investments and pension. Relationship is strong. Married 6 years. We're soon having another baby, splitting leave 70/30 (me/him)

What do you think?

We have always had a joint account everything goes into it, what’s left after all bills and expenses paid we would decide if to put some into a joint savings account and the rest split 50/50 and into individual accounts for our own use, been doing it that way for over 35 years and it works fine for us

I was under the impression this is how things were done 'before', but people my age (early thirties) keep things more separate. Maybe I'm wrong.

I don't really know why you'd keep it separate. If you got divorced I think starting point would be 50/50 wouldn't it... So it's of no benefit. Apart from to the high earner, but surely that won't want way more than their partner, unless they're an arsehole... What would they do, go on holiday on their own?!

Wow why such separate finances? I took a few years off to be sahm but that never meant I got keys money then or in the future- I earn less, him more, but I made 2dc and did the night shifts for years (& days!) To enable his career, we agreed this together and all money us family money, been together 20 years though so no messing about trying to hide £15 shampoo- if I want it and can afford it I'm getting it, just as he would.

Have an open chat about the relationship abd where its going, you can't always sacrifice abd he always gains it won't work.

This sounds idyllic but I cannot imagine this!

I just cannot fathom this. You have children. Surely money is less important than that.

I’m your age and everything is joint.

Also, you should take into consideration that most relationships don’t have one of you quitting your job and moving to further the other person’s career, to your detriment. Unless your finances are joint, it genuinely makes no sense to do this.

We're early 30's and have a 1yo.

We're paid similar amounts of money per month.

All house bills, dog walker, nursery fees, food shop money etc all come out of one joint account.

Whatever is left we split equally between us. We then pay our personal bills from that money eg phone, life insurance, fuel money.

Whatever is left we spend or save. Our savings are currently towards us moving house.

It works for us.

I spent almost €500 today - on boots, a jumper, skin care stuff.. out of our joint current account. My husband does not ask or comment. He fully respects me and appreciates what I do for our family.

God I hate this attitude, utterly abhor it,of course they are a family. How insulting.

I deliberately set up our finances in this way before kids so we didn’t have this happen in the emotion of kids but you need to pool and split. We do the following

all salary and bonuses and even inheritance into one main account

all big bills including pensions, childcare, savings for both paid out of this account,

an agreed sum into a joint account for. Groceries, everyday expenses, kids clothes or house stuff.

An agreed equal amount out of this account into our own personal current account for personal spends.

we both have personal credit cards just to smooth expense. Eg my husband uses his for work expenses which are repaid; I mostly use mine for family holiday costs or eg kids uniform or Clubs and then Pay them out of savings as and when.

this way we know exactly how much we have coming in and we both have freedom to spend on ourselves equally but I don’t spend my money on nice things for the kids when my husband spends his on gold clubs

I think he feels like he needs to make up for not having good savings in his twenties (I had much better savings when we got married because of inheritance, he didn't have any help from his family at all. So I put much more into our deposit because I had it lying around (and I hadn't earned it myself)).
So I think it's one of those things that comes from family background. He really wants to build up a bit of savings, and to see me spending it on non-essential things would bother him (I'm projecting, I don't actually know, I should ask!)
But anyway, the privacy suggestions above are good.

We have ‘buckets’.
60% of income goes into main ‘bucket’ (everyday account) for mortgage, bills, food, etc.
20% goes to the savings ‘bucket’ ( holidays, home improvement etc)
20 % goes to the splurge ‘bucket’ ( outings, hairdressers etc. $200 limit before needs discussion so if I want to spend more than $200 I need to have a discussion with DH.)
This works for us

So you put more money into house, left your job for him for lower paid and he has more money and is contributing towards his savings? Sounds like a vulnerable position you're in. Be careful. Sounds like his money is important, does he use it to control?

This sounds like a lovely relationship.
But I can't see it being like that unless either you have really quite a lot of spending money so it doesn't make a dent, or that he has the same approach to spending as you? (i.e. he might splurge sometimes too?)
Otherwise I just can't see how you wouldn't notice or raise eyebrows at that kind of thing.

Equal spending money should apply here , to recognise what you gave up as much as anything. Mad to create such an uneven dynamic in the relationship. Money ultimate means independence and power, so not having equal access inevitably creates a power dynamic

(I don't always agree, if one partner is just idle (cocklodger type scenarios) I am not sure they should have equal spends with the one who does all the work, but in this instance it should certainly apply)

It's not the splurging. It's the fact that he has always appreciated and respected the fact that my input to our family life was not monetary - in that I went part time when our first child was born and sacrificed myself financially.

Not what you’ll want to hear but I’ve recently separated from my husband after years of being the breadwinner and finally reaching breaking point after years of begging him to step up.

Almost 20 years of being the only grown up in the family and it broke me.

Luckily I had an epic escape fund and can provide for my children.

Good luck.

I'm a sahm and if I wanted to spend €15 or more on a shampoo then I absolutely would and actually I did do a toiletries and hair care restock last week and bought myself a dress today.

No, because I have enough of my own money so I have never been in a position where I would need to use his. It's how it will feel in the future if my career carries on being so so and his carries on flying, that bothers me.

But yes, I supposed on some level I feel "controlled" because of how he has more freedom than me in what he buys and does, because he has more money (for no good reason! as we were equal earners).

Definitely something to unpack.

My DH doesn't raise an eyebrow at what I spend because he's not a dick and I'm not a spendthrift. He wants me to be happy; I want him to be happy. We discuss big purchases, but the odd expense on conditioner doesn't rise to that level. When we are low on funds, I let him know because I manage the family admin and we both cut back equally. I will never understand these men who think it's perfectly fine for their wives to be short every month, or who criticize them for buying stuff for their mutual DC.

I think the thing is that we have never really had this conversation yet, because the situation is supposed to be temporary (as in, we'll see how this new job move goes and then look at it again, and now we're two years in and these feelings are coming up)

Waaaaaaait a hot minute. You sacrificed your earning potential so he could maximise his, and you have a child together, and you don't have pooled finances?

No. No, no, no, no, no. If you're doing that kind of decision-making - sacrificing one person's individual benefit to the planned benefit of the partnership - you are all in on the partnership. Otherwise no dice. I cannot BELIEVE he had the face to expect you to sacrifice your job without being willing to consider his earnings joint.

P.S. we are also fully pooled earnings into a joint account. An equal amount is transferred back into our own personal accounts for all personal discretionary spends, and with that we can do as we please. It works beautifully for us.

Saying ‘if you don’t have a joint account, then that isn’t a real marriage’ is so ridiculous to me.

You couldn’t pay me to have a joint account with a partner but then again you couldn’t pay me to marry someone so I guess my opinion is irrelevant. I’m sure there are many marriages where people don’t share finances and they are certainly in a ‘real’ marriage

I would be interested to know how your own parental backgrounds play into this. Mine are divorced, so money being separate has obviously been a big thing growing up. With both my sets of grandparents, the woman stopped working when they had kids and never went back to work, so the joint money pot thing I associate very much with the unequal partnership where the woman doesn't earn her own money.

Are you putting extra into your pension if you’re the lower earner?

the rule of being married with kids is equal disposable income and equal leisure time.

if we wants to build up savings, you agree that out of the pot and then have your fun money with what’s left.

FWIW I’m the much higher earner in our relationship.