2 years in of earning less than DH, and I'm starting to feel resentful

[Nubnut]

I'm asking for advice as I'm quite early on in this marriage/money thing and I'd like to hear from more experienced women who've been there.

The situation I'm going to describe is probably quite classic!

Two years ago we earned the same (me very slightly more, with better conditions).

DH got an amazing work opportunity that meant he would have an interesting exciting job and more money. We had a one year-old at the time (I was back at work for 3 months already and happy).

The new job involved moving very far away. We decided to go for it, agreeing to re-evaluate after a few years. I took a different job that was paid less than the one before, but was more flexible and I got it immediately so no period of job hunting in the new town.

To balance out our finances, DH pays for 2/3 of the mortgage and bills. We spilt everything else 50/50.

There are two things that bother me:

1. I feel "locked in" to his career path now, as if I went back to my former career path it was obviously be disadvantageous to us, because he will have had years building up his, whereas I've left mine where it was. So it's not the "we can just go back to yours if it doesn't work out", which we had discussed at the get go (this is all theoretical and financial-based, I'm not desperate to go back to the former career, but wouldn't mind, and would be prepared to if it was best for everyone).
2. Sometimes when I budget (like suggest we book an early morning flight to save 30 quid) he gets frustrated. I often have to point out that he has double the amount of spending money (after bills) that I have, so obviously we see things differently. This annoys me, because I had the means to earn the same as him, and because of our decision, I'm in a position where I'm the budgeting one and he doesn't have to think about money. I never expected to be in a partnership with a higher-earning partner (maybe this was naive), because I felt the world had changed, and it actually really annoys me, I feel like my grandparents' generation.

It doesn't worry me that much, but I worry how I'm going to feel about it later down the line. Does anyone have any experience?

I have my own savings, investments and pension. Relationship is strong. Married 6 years. We're soon having another baby, splitting leave 70/30 (me/him)

What do you think?

As others have said, all the money into one pot, expenses come out, balance is shared. I honestly can't imagine why people get married at all if this isn't the outcome. Though I know from reading these threads that other people think differently.

Of course you should be asking. He should be offering.

My parents were divorced and money was always a massive stressor in their relationship. I would never have married DH if we weren't on the same page about money, but, much more importantly, we cared about each other more than we cared about money.

Yes, I'm ignoring those comments!
It's a process and depends on everyone's individual feelings (so yes your opinion is relevant!)
I'm just realising we need to change something, it doesn't mean our marriage will be more of a marriage when we do.

I'm in my 30's and we have separate finances. We pay our fair share of bills from a joint account but everything else is in our separate accounts.

I would never agree to joint everything.

Are you me? This is exactly how I feel!

Since you ask; my parents both worked full-time, in the same highly skilled field, in which they were both equally accomplished. I don't know exactly how their earnings balanced over the years - they both had some professional property investments - but they must have been roughly equal all through. They had fully joint finances, and still do.

I would not have considered having a family with someone who wasn't prepared to go all in with me financially. That's what it means when you sign the marriage paperwork; all assets are joint assets.

@Dowtcha why is it that when a couple get married, they should automatically share finances? I’m really trying to understand the reasoning but I can’t.

Fair enough if it works for loads of couples but why the generalisation of ‘I honestly can't imagine why people get married at all if this isn't the outcome?’

Income is pooled, bills deducted and we both have the same spending money.

We are equal partners and I could not entertain a partnership where one of us had more than the other. Neither of us is interested in what the other spends their money on.

Me too, I find this a bit dramatic.

That is literally what you are legally signing up to. "All that I have, I share with you." That's why there is a financial settlement process when a couple divorces. Marriage is a formal pooling of assets and establishment of two people as a single legal and financial unit.

You can choose to maintain entirely separate accounts and only have one person's name on assets during the marriage, but it won't mean a damn thing when the rubber hits the road on divorce or death. What you own, your spouse owns.

With both my sets of grandparents, the woman stopped working when they had kids and never went back to work, so the joint money pot thing I associate very much with the unequal partnership where the woman doesn't earn her own money.

Surely, this is a more equal partnership. The man earns money for the whole family. It isn’t his. The woman is entitled to an equal share because she is doing most of the work in the home.

Please do! I don’t think your marriage is any ‘less than’ in comparison to a couple who do share finances.

I don’t have much more to add other than my two pence about shared finances but I completely understand your post. It’s kind of left you in an awkward position where your DH is benefiting massively from the move and you’re automatically budgeting things.

Maybe have a conversation and explain that you have to pay xyz when it comes to this since changing your job and if you guys can change the way you pay for things?

It's really really easy this one - assuming you both agree you are equals, with equal responsibilities to your family, and equally deserving of spending money.

Your take home + his take home = T
All household bills (everything - nursery, food, holidays, car tax, emergency stash) = H

T minus H divided by 2 = personal spending money (P)

Your take home minus P, and his take home minus P goes into a joint account for which all family spending comes from.

Job done.

I saw both relationships as an unequal partnership because I felt like the man had had more fun and freedom going out to work and the woman had sacrificed her life as a woman at the expense of being a housewife.

Haha no way. Hi internet twin😬

Late 30s, 2 DC and no shared account.

But our essential outgoings are split fairly taking into account earnings (mix of each paying for separate things or transferring into the others account which the bill comes out of)

It's probably not exact to the last penny but neither of us are hard done by or feel like we can't do/buy something that the other one could. Have the mindset that all money is joint whoever's name it might be in.

So you should only share finances because it’s split equally during a divorce? I’m confused

I’d do:
*both salaries into one account
*work backwards from the total and agree standing orders/direct debits to go into savings, pension, holiday account, childcare, household bills, etc. If you set aside £7k (for example) for all your holidays, divide by 12 and allow for it monthly. That way you can then figure out how to get best bang for your holiday buck
*remainder 50/50

Me too.

I accept and agree with the fact that finances are split equally during a divorce but that's divorce, the end of marriage. Divorce doesn't define what a marriage ''should'' be.

You will find based on previous threads there is a major gender split.

Women should have full access to their husbands money and spend as they wish without ever needing to account for their spending.

Men should earn their own money, have limited access to their wives’s money, and be accountable for any money they spend.

Read some threads where women are the higher earners. Night and day from the responses you are getting and only a minority on those threads recommend joint accounts and one pot

You’re married. All money here is family money. Dh explains it that he values us equally and just because our employers put a price on that, we don’t have to support that. All money in one pot, any big expenses are discussed but usually agreed.

This 100%.

There is no way I would move it a lower earning job solely to support my husbands career in an arrangement where we don’t have equal access to money. So you’re supporting him and he’s not supporting you is what you have in place. That needs to change or you need to talk about the move you will make for your career and he will go along with no matter what the pay cut and career limitation and personal spending cut it means for him as thIs support needs to be turn and turn about if it’s only for one person at a time.

No she's saying you are sharing finances as soon as you're married, regardless of whose bank account it is in. When you are married you both own everything equally. (I think there may be exceptions but more or less)

What happens in a divorce or if one of you dies is just proof of that.

So the money in your husbands current account is actually yours as well, legally speaking.

But that's not really what the OP is asking about, this is more about how it is actually managed and accessed day to day.