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Original poster

Ex-partner deducting travel from child maintenance

111 replies

onight · 12/07/2023 14:21

Been through mediations. DD dad lives around 200 miles away. Signed a parenting plan two years ago to agree meeting halfway after he stated the drive was too long/expensive and dangerous. I don't drive so I'd get train and he'd pay for tickets; meet at station.

Getting strenuous as I work a lot, day to day parenting etc. ex sees dd every school holiday now as it was too tiring doing shorter intervals; this was agreed in one of the mediations too. Dd is now 10.

He took me back to mediation this week as he didnt see dd in may half term. This was due to him not coming to collect her from school as I had planned to go away with family for the weekend. He said he couldn't come as was working/had planned to meet at our halfway point. I stated that in mediation this week I'm not prepared to do the travel anymore, dd doesn't like it either. She doesn't really want to go either; feels like a spare part when she's there. And is now old enough that she doesn't want to miss out seeing her friends.

He has now stated that if he does the whole trip there and back, he'll have to stop over in a hotel. He's saying driving there and back in a day is too long and dangerous.

He pays £200 ish a month maintenance to me and is now saying the cost of the hotel and travel is going to be too much!! So he's going to have to take money out of my money?? Surely that's not right?

I suggested he stay up with us now and again instead but he said no to that.

Back at mediation in two weeks but he said it would be going to court now as he wants boundaries in place. I have a feeling a judge isn't going to favour his side and he will end up paying and doing all the journey anyway so I'm not too fussed.

But until then, I said he has to come collect her next week and he can have her for a week. He is saying okay but won't pay maintenance and also he won't be able to afford to pay for the extra things he pays for going forward if he has to travel.

Where do I stand here??

OP posts:
Exhater · 12/07/2023 14:29

Did he move away or you??

Honestly I don't think you get to unilaterally decide that you just don't want to do it anymore when you've been doing it for some time as it was agreed.

misssunshine4040 · 12/07/2023 14:32

Surely you can't just decide your not meeting half way anymore? Plus he pays for your travel. I get it's an inconvenience but if it's what's agreed then it's not really fair to go back on it

Original poster
onight · 12/07/2023 14:32

Exhater · 12/07/2023 14:29

Did he move away or you??

Honestly I don't think you get to unilaterally decide that you just don't want to do it anymore when you've been doing it for some time as it was agreed.

He moved away. We met in one city, I fell pregnant so we both moved to my home town as I wanted to be near family with baby. Planned to move back to the city we met in eventually but the relationship broke down when dd was a baby and he tried to stay but went back to city we met for work.

He has maintained a relationship ever since and it's only been the last few years that he has said he can't do the travelling anymore for above reasons. He also has a baby with partner.

He now lives in his home town with new partner and children.

OP posts:
Original poster
onight · 12/07/2023 14:33

misssunshine4040 · 12/07/2023 14:32

Surely you can't just decide your not meeting half way anymore? Plus he pays for your travel. I get it's an inconvenience but if it's what's agreed then it's not really fair to go back on it

My dd doesn't like it either tbh and she doesn't really like going to her dads much anymore. I don't want to force her to go.

I work full time and have another job to cover finances etc too. I'm tired.

OP posts:
Readyplayerthr33 · 12/07/2023 14:36

He is allowed to deduct reasonable travel costs from child maintenance. The child maintenance service allow it, and calculate it, so he will be allowed to do it in a private arrangement as well.

Since you’re the one changing the status quo and refusing to meet half way then a judge isn’t going to look kindly on you. He will win this; he’ll be allowed to reduce maintenance to help cover travel costs. Not all of it but some.

Original poster
onight · 12/07/2023 14:36

Also the parenting plan isn't legally binding, I know where I stand on that too.

OP posts:
ZairWazAnOldLady · 12/07/2023 14:38

There are separate issues. Dd doesn’t like it there. I would say if you are facilitating despite her being reluctant because you value the father daughter relationship that stands in your favour.

The travel does seem long so longer times more spaced out seems sensible.

I don’t think he should be taking the money out of her maintenance because she shouldn’t be paying to see him so perhaps work out his petrol money and your train fare and ask him to add whatever makes it up to him paying half n top of her maintenance.
I would keep to the original agreement of both going half way

Readyplayerthr33 · 12/07/2023 14:38

onight · 12/07/2023 14:36

Also the parenting plan isn't legally binding, I know where I stand on that too.

Doesn’t matter if it isn’t legally binding. You made it and agreed to it and now you’re refusing to honour it. Again, a judge won’t look kindly on your behaviour.

Original poster
onight · 12/07/2023 14:41

Readyplayerthr33 · 12/07/2023 14:36

He is allowed to deduct reasonable travel costs from child maintenance. The child maintenance service allow it, and calculate it, so he will be allowed to do it in a private arrangement as well.

Since you’re the one changing the status quo and refusing to meet half way then a judge isn’t going to look kindly on you. He will win this; he’ll be allowed to reduce maintenance to help cover travel costs. Not all of it but some.

What is reasonable though?

He said a hotel one night will be around £80. And he'll have to do that twice as he will drop her back. So that's around £160. Then the cost of petrol here and back would be around £70 so times by two £140.

So to pick up and drop off it's going to cost him around £300 six times a year. So roughly £1800.

He is saying he wants me to pay half of it!

OP posts:
Readyplayerthr33 · 12/07/2023 14:42

onight · 12/07/2023 14:41

What is reasonable though?

He said a hotel one night will be around £80. And he'll have to do that twice as he will drop her back. So that's around £160. Then the cost of petrol here and back would be around £70 so times by two £140.

So to pick up and drop off it's going to cost him around £300 six times a year. So roughly £1800.

He is saying he wants me to pay half of it!

Show quote history

You paying half is reasonable. A court may or may not decide a little differently, so you might not end up paying half but he is allowed to take travels costs off the maintenance and since you’re the one causing all the extra costs, it is reasonable that you pay for it.

Talliaaaaaa · 12/07/2023 14:43

You seem very convinced the judge will side with you.
I wouldn't be too sure about that.

Even if it's not legally binding. I think you're being extremely unfair and difficult. Yes you're tired but you made an agreement. It's his daughter as much as yours. Why on earth would he not deduct travel expenses?

As if he will come and stay with you when he has a partner and baby at home too?

I wouldn't get your hopes up that a judge will side with you, legally binding agreement or not.

PeachesOnTheBeaches · 12/07/2023 14:44

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Familycourtdrama · 12/07/2023 14:46

I get it is a burden, but honestly meeting him half way and him paying your ticket - I can't see a Judge not agreeing to keep that arrangement if it has been going on for some time now.

Quitelikeit · 12/07/2023 14:48

He clearly isn’t aware that he can claim some travel subsidy through maintenance

Tbh I think that as you have facilitated this arrangement for the length of time you have then you are unreasonable to not continue

He is her father - I’d understand if he was abusive and a let down. In a few years she can travel without you in the train

Court will be expensive and you are unlikely to get what you are asking for here

Kingsparkle · 12/07/2023 14:49

I am not sure why other posters are giving you such a hard time on here OP. I have seen lots of threads where posters have said the parent who moves away pays the travel costs. I can understand not wanting to do a 200mile round trip because your ex moved away, especially when your daughter doesn’t want to either. You don’t sound difficult to me, just fed up. If you can afford it I would get proper advice from an experienced solicitor. The posters here seem very sure of what a judge will and won’t do which is a red flag to me. Nothing in the family courts is a certainty.

Quitelikeit · 12/07/2023 14:50

It’s not like you are facilitating an expensive hobby! It a relationship with her DAD

Dont you need a sitter anymore?

gogomoto · 12/07/2023 14:50

200 miles there and back is circa 8 hours of traveling in a day and I think the court would side with him saying that's not reasonable. Negotiating an easier switch over point which doesn't increase his journey time too much but is simpler for you is more achievable as is you do one way he does the other. As she's 10 she is close to being able to travel alone, mine went to their grandparents from 10&12 (10 year old a lot more sensible and reliable!) on 2 trains

Original poster
onight · 12/07/2023 14:52

The parenting plan has only been in place for two years; before that he did all the travel and paid maintenance.

I know he's just bought a new car and also dd told me how much his mortgage is etc so I know financially he is doing well.

I preferred it before, it was less hassle and stress. Dd is getting older now and she has told me she doesn't want to do it.

Ex said in mediation that it's not true because she texts him and his partner saying she's looking forward to coming down but I think she just says it because it's what they want to hear.

I know it was what was agreed two years ago but it's not working for me anymore. He can travel if he wants to see dd.

OP posts:
StopMindlesslyScrolling · 12/07/2023 14:53

Surely if he was paying for the train tickets then the extra costs of his travel would come out of that?

I have limited sympathy for a man who expects his ex to do 99% of the childcare, plus work full time and wholly financially support their joint child (which is what he'd be doing if he uses CMS money to pay for his travel).

He moved 200 miles away from his child, knowing that would mean limited interaction with them and that school runs, sick days, clean uniform, clean bedding and 24hour care would be provided by his ex. Plus resulting in the situation they're in now where the DD doesn't want to visit an area she doesn't know, she wants to be near her friends during school holidays but she can't have that and a relationship with her father.

Why doesn't he put his own DD first for once and consider what she wants?

I think you've been very accommodating offering up your home to him, he's the one rejecting free lodging and wanting to pay (with money that could be spent on his daughter).

Original poster
onight · 12/07/2023 14:54

gogomoto · 12/07/2023 14:50

200 miles there and back is circa 8 hours of traveling in a day and I think the court would side with him saying that's not reasonable. Negotiating an easier switch over point which doesn't increase his journey time too much but is simpler for you is more achievable as is you do one way he does the other. As she's 10 she is close to being able to travel alone, mine went to their grandparents from 10&12 (10 year old a lot more sensible and reliable!) on 2 trains

But he suggested getting a hotel to break the travel up? So he'd travel up day before, collect dd next day and go back. And do the same coming back. But because of this, he's saying he needs to get a hotel. He never used to and I think he's saying it to be difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
onight · 12/07/2023 14:56

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 12/07/2023 14:53

Surely if he was paying for the train tickets then the extra costs of his travel would come out of that?

I have limited sympathy for a man who expects his ex to do 99% of the childcare, plus work full time and wholly financially support their joint child (which is what he'd be doing if he uses CMS money to pay for his travel).

He moved 200 miles away from his child, knowing that would mean limited interaction with them and that school runs, sick days, clean uniform, clean bedding and 24hour care would be provided by his ex. Plus resulting in the situation they're in now where the DD doesn't want to visit an area she doesn't know, she wants to be near her friends during school holidays but she can't have that and a relationship with her father.

Why doesn't he put his own DD first for once and consider what she wants?

I think you've been very accommodating offering up your home to him, he's the one rejecting free lodging and wanting to pay (with money that could be spent on his daughter).

He stated that it was my fault that he doesn't see dd as much anymore because I told the mediator two years ago that her going to see him eow and all holidays was too much travelling. I suggested he stayed here for the weekends. He said he'd not be willing to do that. I don't know what else I can offer.

He used to pick her up from school on Friday and either do an air bnb or take her back down to see family/friends and bring her back on the Sunday.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 12/07/2023 14:56

You say you are tired, it's feasible he is tired too. It's a big journey.

Original poster
onight · 12/07/2023 14:57

Doggymummar · 12/07/2023 14:56

You say you are tired, it's feasible he is tired too. It's a big journey.

Yes but it's only 12 times a year to do it isn't it. He travels a lot for work anyway.

OP posts:
CamCola · 12/07/2023 14:57

I don’t think he’s unreasonable. Id imagine the court will make you travel half way. 200 Miles is a huge distance.

BoohooWoohoo · 12/07/2023 14:58

Having read posts on here, there's no rule about who does the travelling even though morally the person who moved away should.
Dd isn't old enough for a judge to allow her to choose how much contact she has with dad. If he's taking you to court anyway, it might be a good time to consider a change in the routine so it's not so tough on dd.
He won't be able to claim all costs from CM but I believe that if you were going through CMS then he could be eligible for a deduction. This could bite you in the arse if you're not careful. At least he's paying for your tickets.

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