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Original poster

Ex-partner deducting travel from child maintenance

111 replies

onight · 12/07/2023 14:21

Been through mediations. DD dad lives around 200 miles away. Signed a parenting plan two years ago to agree meeting halfway after he stated the drive was too long/expensive and dangerous. I don't drive so I'd get train and he'd pay for tickets; meet at station.

Getting strenuous as I work a lot, day to day parenting etc. ex sees dd every school holiday now as it was too tiring doing shorter intervals; this was agreed in one of the mediations too. Dd is now 10.

He took me back to mediation this week as he didnt see dd in may half term. This was due to him not coming to collect her from school as I had planned to go away with family for the weekend. He said he couldn't come as was working/had planned to meet at our halfway point. I stated that in mediation this week I'm not prepared to do the travel anymore, dd doesn't like it either. She doesn't really want to go either; feels like a spare part when she's there. And is now old enough that she doesn't want to miss out seeing her friends.

He has now stated that if he does the whole trip there and back, he'll have to stop over in a hotel. He's saying driving there and back in a day is too long and dangerous.

He pays £200 ish a month maintenance to me and is now saying the cost of the hotel and travel is going to be too much!! So he's going to have to take money out of my money?? Surely that's not right?

I suggested he stay up with us now and again instead but he said no to that.

Back at mediation in two weeks but he said it would be going to court now as he wants boundaries in place. I have a feeling a judge isn't going to favour his side and he will end up paying and doing all the journey anyway so I'm not too fussed.

But until then, I said he has to come collect her next week and he can have her for a week. He is saying okay but won't pay maintenance and also he won't be able to afford to pay for the extra things he pays for going forward if he has to travel.

Where do I stand here??

OP posts:
Dinoswearunderpants · 12/07/2023 14:58

What an awful situation. You're getting bored of the travel so now your DD will pick up on this and start being put off seeing her Dad.

Can't wait to see the outcome of this.

Original poster
onight · 12/07/2023 14:59

CamCola · 12/07/2023 14:57

I don’t think he’s unreasonable. Id imagine the court will make you travel half way. 200 Miles is a huge distance.

He did move away though. And I have read plenty of times that a judge won't agree with that and that he should have to make the journey. I know we lived elsewhere before I got pregnant but he knew I wanted to have family support when baby was born. The relationship broke down and he left.

OP posts:
Original poster
onight · 12/07/2023 15:00

BoohooWoohoo · 12/07/2023 14:58

Having read posts on here, there's no rule about who does the travelling even though morally the person who moved away should.
Dd isn't old enough for a judge to allow her to choose how much contact she has with dad. If he's taking you to court anyway, it might be a good time to consider a change in the routine so it's not so tough on dd.
He won't be able to claim all costs from CM but I believe that if you were going through CMS then he could be eligible for a deduction. This could bite you in the arse if you're not careful. At least he's paying for your tickets.

I had read that they may talk to her and ask her what she would like? Cafcass?

OP posts:
Original poster
onight · 12/07/2023 15:02

BoohooWoohoo · 12/07/2023 14:58

Having read posts on here, there's no rule about who does the travelling even though morally the person who moved away should.
Dd isn't old enough for a judge to allow her to choose how much contact she has with dad. If he's taking you to court anyway, it might be a good time to consider a change in the routine so it's not so tough on dd.
He won't be able to claim all costs from CM but I believe that if you were going through CMS then he could be eligible for a deduction. This could bite you in the arse if you're not careful. At least he's paying for your tickets.

This is why I suggested that he only had her one week in summer instead of three. He's not happy about that but we will discuss in mediation.

He threatened also to not bring her back, and said I'd have to meet him halfway or come and collect her from his but I shall sort this in mediation.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 12/07/2023 15:05

*preferred it before, it was less hassle and stress. Dd is getting older now and she has told me she doesn't want to do it.

Ex said in mediation that it's not true because she texts him and his partner saying she's looking forward to coming down but I think she just says it because it's what they want to hear.*
How do you know she's not just telling you what you want to hear?

Original poster
onight · 12/07/2023 15:07

MichelleScarn · 12/07/2023 15:05

*preferred it before, it was less hassle and stress. Dd is getting older now and she has told me she doesn't want to do it.

Ex said in mediation that it's not true because she texts him and his partner saying she's looking forward to coming down but I think she just says it because it's what they want to hear.*
How do you know she's not just telling you what you want to hear?

She has expressed multiple times that she doesn't feel part of the family when she is there.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 12/07/2023 15:17

Will the courts make a 10yr old go to visit her dad if she refuses to as she feels no benefit for it?

Original poster
onight · 12/07/2023 15:19

TomatoSandwiches · 12/07/2023 15:17

Will the courts make a 10yr old go to visit her dad if she refuses to as she feels no benefit for it?

I don't think so, no.

OP posts:
pontipinemum · 12/07/2023 15:27

Is it a direct train or with simple connections? She will be able to do the journey by herself soon enough.

I was sent on flights from about age 5, but in fairness I had an airhostess to keep an eye on me.

CJsGoldfish · 12/07/2023 15:27

she texts him and his partner saying she's looking forward to coming down but I think she just says it because it's what they want to hear
And she tells you what YOU want to hear 🤷‍♀️

You clearly don't want her to go because it is too much of a hassle for you so, of course, she's picking up on your issues. The court should hopefully see that.

Readyplayerthr33 · 12/07/2023 15:28

onight · 12/07/2023 15:19

I don't think so, no.

Show quote history

Yes, they will order contact.

mrsm43s · 12/07/2023 15:37

What is reasonable, is for you to continue to uphold your part of the deal and meet him half way. It is also reasonable for you to encourage her to see her Dad.

If you refuse to do that, I absolutely think it is reasonable that he stays overnight in a hotel to break up the trips, and that you pay a half share of these additional costs.

Your DD is almost certainly telling him what he wants to hear, and telling you what you want to hear. At 10, your child should be having regular, meaningful contact with her Dad, and you should be doing your best to facilitate this. Be very careful your behaviour is not pushing over into parental alienation. I would think that your DD's dad has the starts of a portfolio of evidence he could present to court, as it is clear that you are going out of your way to make it as hard as possible for him to see his DD, and seem to be encouraging your child not to see him. It's in your child's interest to have a good relationship with both parents. Put your child's wellbeing first, and start facilitating contact by meeting him half way as agreed.

dottiedodah · 12/07/2023 15:40

I just wonder why he moved so far away? Its an incredibly long journey to see your child! It seems unfair to you and DD .I would stick to your guns and see what happens.I would be wary of your DD saying she doesnt want to see her Dad though,she shouldnt be taking sides at all!

Original poster
onight · 12/07/2023 15:42

dottiedodah · 12/07/2023 15:40

I just wonder why he moved so far away? Its an incredibly long journey to see your child! It seems unfair to you and DD .I would stick to your guns and see what happens.I would be wary of your DD saying she doesnt want to see her Dad though,she shouldnt be taking sides at all!

He moved back to where we met and where I fell pregnant due to work. We were always meant to move back after dd was born but we split. So I stayed and he moved back because of his job. He moved up here when she was younger but he didn't have any support from anyone and said he got depressed; so he moved to home town.

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 12/07/2023 15:44

onight · 12/07/2023 14:52

The parenting plan has only been in place for two years; before that he did all the travel and paid maintenance.

I know he's just bought a new car and also dd told me how much his mortgage is etc so I know financially he is doing well.

I preferred it before, it was less hassle and stress. Dd is getting older now and she has told me she doesn't want to do it.

Ex said in mediation that it's not true because she texts him and his partner saying she's looking forward to coming down but I think she just says it because it's what they want to hear.

I know it was what was agreed two years ago but it's not working for me anymore. He can travel if he wants to see dd.

No, that's not how it works as has been explained above.
You can't expect him to travel 400 miles in a day every time to see her - that's not reasonable. Nor is expecting him to cover 100% of the costs.

You're being unreasonable here, but I think you know that and are just looking to shirk your way out of contributing.
Why is he paying for your tickets? You should be covering half of that too!

TheFormidableMrsC · 12/07/2023 15:47

I understand your point of view but I think you're in the wrong here. You had an agreement and you've broken it. If you're going through the CMS they will take travel into account.

Don't assume that because your daughter doesn't want to go that a judge is going to agree. Cafcass role is ensure that the child has an equal relationship with both parents. Obviously there are massive variations to this with each individual circumstance. However her not fancying it anymore is not going to cut it. There is also the risk of change of residency which I have seen happen to somebody I know. Don't put yourself in that position. My advice is go back to mediation and find a way forward that works. I also think it's important that your ex knows your child feels that she's not welcome. He needs to change that. I speak as somebody whose ex lost contact via court despite me trying very hard to ensure my son had a relationship with his father. The court is unlikely to side with you on this and you need to realise that.

Quitelikeit · 12/07/2023 16:03

So you told him the travel was too much for your daughter and in that basis he came once a month?

you are wrong about judges it can go anyway but the fact he has done most of the leg work then you have been meeting half way well remember it’s about the interests of the child not the interests of you

He has other kids to factor in too

yeah she says to you she doesn’t want to go but tells him something else

Quitelikeit · 12/07/2023 16:03

Either way not anyway!

User838960 · 12/07/2023 16:06

I think it is really unfair that you keep using the argument 'he chose to move away'. He moved to a place where you had a network, so that you could have more support. When splitting he did not have the support there. And likely, I am assuming, could not earn the same kind of money as you mention he moved back for work.

I think you are being really unreasonable expecting him to do all this travel. What harm is it for you both to travel 2 hours 12 times a year as opposed to him doing 8 hours 12 times a year? You could avid all of this hassle if you just stopped being so inflexible for the sake of your daughter having a relationship with her father. He clearly wants to have one.

RedDucky · 12/07/2023 16:29

I have looked into the question of how much a nrp can take off cm for travel as I have an ex a similar distance away. It was difficult to find a straight answer but what I did find implied travel cost is taken off the nrp's salary, and the reduced salary is used to calculate cm. So it does lead to a reduction in cm but a relatively small amount if your ex has a reasonable salary.

caringcarer · 12/07/2023 17:16

gogomoto · 12/07/2023 14:50

200 miles there and back is circa 8 hours of traveling in a day and I think the court would side with him saying that's not reasonable. Negotiating an easier switch over point which doesn't increase his journey time too much but is simpler for you is more achievable as is you do one way he does the other. As she's 10 she is close to being able to travel alone, mine went to their grandparents from 10&12 (10 year old a lot more sensible and reliable!) on 2 trains

I drive 200 miles to visit my sister's and it takes me 2 1/4- 2 1/2 hours on the motorway. Same driving back. Never more than 5 hours driving.

canpinkydance · 12/07/2023 17:19

Can you learn to drive op?

Surely that would resolve the issue?

Kingsparkle · 12/07/2023 17:20

caringcarer · 12/07/2023 17:16

I drive 200 miles to visit my sister's and it takes me 2 1/4- 2 1/2 hours on the motorway. Same driving back. Never more than 5 hours driving.

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How? 200 miles in 2.5hrs is an average of 80mph for the whole journey isn’t it? Or is my maths off? I drove 150 miles this weekend and it took 2.5hrs.

MissJoGrant · 12/07/2023 17:37

caringcarer · 12/07/2023 17:16

I drive 200 miles to visit my sister's and it takes me 2 1/4- 2 1/2 hours on the motorway. Same driving back. Never more than 5 hours driving.

Show quote history

Surely you must be speeding then?
Distance 200 miles
Divided by speed 70mph
= 2 hours 51 minutes

And that's without stopping on the way.

Original poster
onight · 12/07/2023 17:47

canpinkydance · 12/07/2023 17:19

Can you learn to drive op?

Surely that would resolve the issue?

I did before covid. I can't afford to now unfortunately.

OP posts: