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Original poster

Ex-partner deducting travel from child maintenance

111 replies

onight · 12/07/2023 14:21

Been through mediations. DD dad lives around 200 miles away. Signed a parenting plan two years ago to agree meeting halfway after he stated the drive was too long/expensive and dangerous. I don't drive so I'd get train and he'd pay for tickets; meet at station.

Getting strenuous as I work a lot, day to day parenting etc. ex sees dd every school holiday now as it was too tiring doing shorter intervals; this was agreed in one of the mediations too. Dd is now 10.

He took me back to mediation this week as he didnt see dd in may half term. This was due to him not coming to collect her from school as I had planned to go away with family for the weekend. He said he couldn't come as was working/had planned to meet at our halfway point. I stated that in mediation this week I'm not prepared to do the travel anymore, dd doesn't like it either. She doesn't really want to go either; feels like a spare part when she's there. And is now old enough that she doesn't want to miss out seeing her friends.

He has now stated that if he does the whole trip there and back, he'll have to stop over in a hotel. He's saying driving there and back in a day is too long and dangerous.

He pays £200 ish a month maintenance to me and is now saying the cost of the hotel and travel is going to be too much!! So he's going to have to take money out of my money?? Surely that's not right?

I suggested he stay up with us now and again instead but he said no to that.

Back at mediation in two weeks but he said it would be going to court now as he wants boundaries in place. I have a feeling a judge isn't going to favour his side and he will end up paying and doing all the journey anyway so I'm not too fussed.

But until then, I said he has to come collect her next week and he can have her for a week. He is saying okay but won't pay maintenance and also he won't be able to afford to pay for the extra things he pays for going forward if he has to travel.

Where do I stand here??

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 13/07/2023 06:23

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 12/07/2023 14:53

Surely if he was paying for the train tickets then the extra costs of his travel would come out of that?

I have limited sympathy for a man who expects his ex to do 99% of the childcare, plus work full time and wholly financially support their joint child (which is what he'd be doing if he uses CMS money to pay for his travel).

He moved 200 miles away from his child, knowing that would mean limited interaction with them and that school runs, sick days, clean uniform, clean bedding and 24hour care would be provided by his ex. Plus resulting in the situation they're in now where the DD doesn't want to visit an area she doesn't know, she wants to be near her friends during school holidays but she can't have that and a relationship with her father.

Why doesn't he put his own DD first for once and consider what she wants?

I think you've been very accommodating offering up your home to him, he's the one rejecting free lodging and wanting to pay (with money that could be spent on his daughter).

Don’t be ridiculous! In reality, the OP was the first one to move away from where they first met, because she understandably wanted family help with the baby. It didn’t work out and he moved back to his family home, which again is perfectly understandable. Then for 8 or so years he did all the travelling and paid it all. This was amended 2 years ago but now the OP wants to revert back to him doing all the travelling and pay for it all. Colour me shocked that now she’s saying DD doesn’t actually want to see her dad!
I can just imagine if he took up her ‘offer’ of him staying at hers when he picks up his DD. She’s ‘offered’ because she knows he’d say no!

Soontobe60 · 13/07/2023 06:26

onight · 12/07/2023 15:07

She has expressed multiple times that she doesn't feel part of the family when she is there.

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The best way to deal with this is for her to see him more often then!

Soontobe60 · 13/07/2023 06:30

blisstwins · 13/07/2023 02:35

But OP is full time cater to his child. He may be tired, but he still has obligations to the child. Why does OP have to exhaust herself for his benefit when she has offered her home and tried to make things easier for a long time?

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It’s not for his benefit, it’s for their child’s benefit. A child having a relationship with BOTH parents is very beneficial!!!

Soontobe60 · 13/07/2023 06:32

AlfietheSchnauzer · 13/07/2023 04:11

@Quitelikeit Dont you need a sitter anymore?

Nice dig at single parents there, wow! Reported

How is it a dig at single parents, and how do you know OP is single?

saraclara · 13/07/2023 06:57

caringcarer · 12/07/2023 18:20

I get on the motorway 3 mins from my house. Don't stop on the way. I might go a little over 70 mph on the motorway. Get off the motorway 5 mins from my sister's house. It is 197 miles. I set off very early in the morning and comes back very late at night to avoid traffic.

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The vast majority of people do not live three minutes from a motorway and have destinations similarly convenient. So you saying that they should be able to do a 200 mile journey in the same time as you, is just ridiculous.

AngelAurora · 13/07/2023 06:57

Take him to CSA and they will decide how much he has to pay.

Original poster
onight · 13/07/2023 10:10

AngelAurora · 13/07/2023 06:57

Take him to CSA and they will decide how much he has to pay.

I think I will look into this.

OP posts:
Original poster
onight · 13/07/2023 10:12

I have spoken to a solicitor this morning who has said that there is no written law who has to do the handover or meeting halfway etc. But I do not have to do it. So if he is taking me to court over it, to let him; they said the court should be in my favour due to being the resident parent and in fact he was the one who moved away from us.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 13/07/2023 10:18

Ok… but you may find that the CSA is happy to deduct the travel costs even if the court orders that he does the travel. Which I think it what you were trying to avoid. It is not unreasonable for him not to want to drive 400 miles in a day, with half of that distance with his DD in the car so he will be conscious about remaining alert.

NecklessMumster · 13/07/2023 10:22

My DPs ex used to meet him half way at a services when his dd came to stay with us. Then she said she was fed up of 'facilitating' their relationship and wouldnt do it anymore. DP worked shifts, we had 2 small children and it all became v difficult and visits became increasingly sporadic.He didn't ask for costs tho. Now step dd is an adult and they have no relationship. So I think its worth trying to keep it going even if shes not that interested, and that gets worse as she becomes teenage..

Original poster
onight · 13/07/2023 10:23

SheilaFentiman · 13/07/2023 10:18

Ok… but you may find that the CSA is happy to deduct the travel costs even if the court orders that he does the travel. Which I think it what you were trying to avoid. It is not unreasonable for him not to want to drive 400 miles in a day, with half of that distance with his DD in the car so he will be conscious about remaining alert.

He has stated he would have to stay in a hotel to break up the journey which seems fair enough to me? There's no excuses for him to be tired then either. He can afford it.

I have also read the deductions are so minimal that it will hardly effect my child maintenance.

OP posts:
Original poster
onight · 13/07/2023 10:25

NecklessMumster · 13/07/2023 10:22

My DPs ex used to meet him half way at a services when his dd came to stay with us. Then she said she was fed up of 'facilitating' their relationship and wouldnt do it anymore. DP worked shifts, we had 2 small children and it all became v difficult and visits became increasingly sporadic.He didn't ask for costs tho. Now step dd is an adult and they have no relationship. So I think its worth trying to keep it going even if shes not that interested, and that gets worse as she becomes teenage..

Did he not go to court?

OP posts:
tothelefttotheleft · 13/07/2023 10:26

By the time this gets to court what your daughter wants to do should be listened to. An 11 year is able to decide if they want contact with their parent.

Original poster
onight · 13/07/2023 10:33

tothelefttotheleft · 13/07/2023 10:26

By the time this gets to court what your daughter wants to do should be listened to. An 11 year is able to decide if they want contact with their parent.

The solicitor did say that. But also said that I should be working with my ex to find out why she doesn't want to go. If it's because she doesn't feel part of the family down there then that's something my ex needs to sort and work on. I don't want to force her to do something that's she's not comfortable with.

OP posts:
Nottodaythx · 13/07/2023 10:34

Can you look at a different holiday split? eg every other half term for the full half term. Two weeks in the middle of the summer?

I do know of dads who don’t pay any maintenance due to the distance and cost involved. They essentially travel and stay over once a half term to see their kids. They also have half holidays and their ex has to do half the journeys. The judge ordered this.

court is stressful, time consuming and expensive. I would avoid it at all costs.

secondaryquandriesqq · 13/07/2023 10:38

It's a long journey and it's understandable that a tween/teenager might not want to go. They want to see their friends and just hang out where they usually are. But it would be a shame to let her relationship with her father and half siblings drift too much as she will likely value it more later on in life and if you really reduce contact, she may really lose connection with them all for the long term. Does her father/you facilitate regular phone calls, texting, letters etc. This could close the gap a bit and allow for visits to be spread out without losing the relationship.

SD1978 · 13/07/2023 10:42

How much notice did you give him that you were changing the arrangement you'd always had and refusing the half way meeting point? I believe he can ask for an adjustment regarding travel costs but that's all court stuff. Is it a formal arrangement? If he starts paying less, your options are accept it, contact CSM to have the amount ye should be paying, or continue with the half way travel you have (always)? Done. You daughter not enjoying it is a separate and important issue- what's her issues going there? Uncertainty because she doesn't go often? Other adults/ children there? Bored?

RandomMess · 13/07/2023 10:46

Is there a compromise that you will meet part of the day?

Somewhere they can spend the time together alone for a few hours so he gets a break from driving?

I can understand why your DD doesn't want to do a whole 3 week stretch in one go it's a long time away from her friends, her space and you. Compromise on 10 days twice over the holidays?

BoohooWoohoo · 13/07/2023 10:50

onight · 12/07/2023 15:00

I had read that they may talk to her and ask her what she would like? Cafcass?

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My experience from reading on here is that they can be unpredictable. Sometimes judges follow their recommendations and sometimes they don't.
It's very possible that the poster has told their story in a biased way but it's not something that I would want to gamble on if they are how some posters describe. I don't have personal experience with CAFCASS.
Once your dd is slightly older she would have more control on the outcome as her opinion would carry more weight.

Original poster
onight · 13/07/2023 10:54

SD1978 · 13/07/2023 10:42

How much notice did you give him that you were changing the arrangement you'd always had and refusing the half way meeting point? I believe he can ask for an adjustment regarding travel costs but that's all court stuff. Is it a formal arrangement? If he starts paying less, your options are accept it, contact CSM to have the amount ye should be paying, or continue with the half way travel you have (always)? Done. You daughter not enjoying it is a separate and important issue- what's her issues going there? Uncertainty because she doesn't go often? Other adults/ children there? Bored?

None really. I told him before the may half term and then again in mediation this week.

OP posts:
Original poster
onight · 13/07/2023 10:55

SD1978 · 13/07/2023 10:42

How much notice did you give him that you were changing the arrangement you'd always had and refusing the half way meeting point? I believe he can ask for an adjustment regarding travel costs but that's all court stuff. Is it a formal arrangement? If he starts paying less, your options are accept it, contact CSM to have the amount ye should be paying, or continue with the half way travel you have (always)? Done. You daughter not enjoying it is a separate and important issue- what's her issues going there? Uncertainty because she doesn't go often? Other adults/ children there? Bored?

It's not a formal arrangement, it was a parenting agreement we both signed but it's not legally binding.

OP posts:
Original poster
onight · 13/07/2023 10:58

RandomMess · 13/07/2023 10:46

Is there a compromise that you will meet part of the day?

Somewhere they can spend the time together alone for a few hours so he gets a break from driving?

I can understand why your DD doesn't want to do a whole 3 week stretch in one go it's a long time away from her friends, her space and you. Compromise on 10 days twice over the holidays?

He doesn't want to split the summer up like that as it's more travelling.

OP posts:
clpsmum · 13/07/2023 11:00

onight · 13/07/2023 10:12

I have spoken to a solicitor this morning who has said that there is no written law who has to do the handover or meeting halfway etc. But I do not have to do it. So if he is taking me to court over it, to let him; they said the court should be in my favour due to being the resident parent and in fact he was the one who moved away from us.

Be very careful OP. Court won't work the way you are expecting it to. It won't see in your favour just because you are the RP. And be careful it doesn't shift to him having much more access

clpsmum · 13/07/2023 11:01

tothelefttotheleft · 13/07/2023 10:26

By the time this gets to court what your daughter wants to do should be listened to. An 11 year is able to decide if they want contact with their parent.

Everybody say this but it's not true. Their views are taken into account that's all.

noglow · 13/07/2023 11:02

He moved away. We met in one city, I fell pregnant so we both moved to my home town as I wanted to be near family with baby. Planned to move back to the city we met in eventually but the relationship broke down when dd was a baby and he tried to stay but went back to city we met for work. I think it's irrelevant he moved away in this case tbh. The plan was to move to the City he's in anyway. So I think 50/50 or a variation for travel is fair enough. It won't be half his travel costs though. Also I think your child is getting to the age they should be able to have a say in contact but its important you let this be a genuine choice.