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Original poster

Ex-partner deducting travel from child maintenance

111 replies

onight · 12/07/2023 14:21

Been through mediations. DD dad lives around 200 miles away. Signed a parenting plan two years ago to agree meeting halfway after he stated the drive was too long/expensive and dangerous. I don't drive so I'd get train and he'd pay for tickets; meet at station.

Getting strenuous as I work a lot, day to day parenting etc. ex sees dd every school holiday now as it was too tiring doing shorter intervals; this was agreed in one of the mediations too. Dd is now 10.

He took me back to mediation this week as he didnt see dd in may half term. This was due to him not coming to collect her from school as I had planned to go away with family for the weekend. He said he couldn't come as was working/had planned to meet at our halfway point. I stated that in mediation this week I'm not prepared to do the travel anymore, dd doesn't like it either. She doesn't really want to go either; feels like a spare part when she's there. And is now old enough that she doesn't want to miss out seeing her friends.

He has now stated that if he does the whole trip there and back, he'll have to stop over in a hotel. He's saying driving there and back in a day is too long and dangerous.

He pays £200 ish a month maintenance to me and is now saying the cost of the hotel and travel is going to be too much!! So he's going to have to take money out of my money?? Surely that's not right?

I suggested he stay up with us now and again instead but he said no to that.

Back at mediation in two weeks but he said it would be going to court now as he wants boundaries in place. I have a feeling a judge isn't going to favour his side and he will end up paying and doing all the journey anyway so I'm not too fussed.

But until then, I said he has to come collect her next week and he can have her for a week. He is saying okay but won't pay maintenance and also he won't be able to afford to pay for the extra things he pays for going forward if he has to travel.

Where do I stand here??

OP posts:
Weedoormatnomore · 12/07/2023 18:13

Didn't you post a while ago about same thing ? I used to accept reduced maintenance as ex did all the driving we both wanted to stay near our familys so seemed the fair thing to do.

amylou8 · 12/07/2023 18:15

I get that it's a pita but I think the meeting halfway is probably the sensible option. I also think a court will view her not wanting to go with suspicion given your reticence to take her. At 10 the default is you tell her to go and she goes, she's got another 2 or 3 years before she gets a say in it. I'd try and work it out at mediation.

caringcarer · 12/07/2023 18:20

MissJoGrant · 12/07/2023 17:37

Surely you must be speeding then?
Distance 200 miles
Divided by speed 70mph
= 2 hours 51 minutes

And that's without stopping on the way.

Show quote history

I get on the motorway 3 mins from my house. Don't stop on the way. I might go a little over 70 mph on the motorway. Get off the motorway 5 mins from my sister's house. It is 197 miles. I set off very early in the morning and comes back very late at night to avoid traffic.

TitoMojito · 12/07/2023 18:23

My friend and her ex live 600 miles apart and court made them meet in the middle - that's 300 miles each. They thought that was reasonable.

Mumuser124 · 12/07/2023 18:26

Op I’d be very careful here.

I highly doubt the judge is going to side with you and actually it looks like you are not facilitating a relationship between your child and her father. My brother was taken to court by my ex SIL and because they deemed her to not be facilitating a relationship he was awarded 70% custody. He was going for 30% (advised by his solicitor).

Original poster
onight · 12/07/2023 18:29

TitoMojito · 12/07/2023 18:23

My friend and her ex live 600 miles apart and court made them meet in the middle - that's 300 miles each. They thought that was reasonable.

Who moved away though?

OP posts:
Original poster
onight · 12/07/2023 18:30

Mumuser124 · 12/07/2023 18:26

Op I’d be very careful here.

I highly doubt the judge is going to side with you and actually it looks like you are not facilitating a relationship between your child and her father. My brother was taken to court by my ex SIL and because they deemed her to not be facilitating a relationship he was awarded 70% custody. He was going for 30% (advised by his solicitor).

Highly doubt that will happen due to the distance, her whole life/school is here.

OP posts:
Mumuser124 · 12/07/2023 18:35

I agree that they are not likely to change residence but I really don’t think you’re going to get the outcome you’re looking for in your above posts.

There is no way they are going to reduce the summer holiday access from 3 weeks to 1 week for example.

I just wanted to highlight that I highly suspect your confidence in your position is misplaced.

RandomMess · 12/07/2023 18:50

Is he actually paying CMS rate? Seems very low tbh.

He could get the train rather than drive?

Tryingtokeepgoing · 12/07/2023 19:05

caringcarer · 12/07/2023 18:20

I get on the motorway 3 mins from my house. Don't stop on the way. I might go a little over 70 mph on the motorway. Get off the motorway 5 mins from my sister's house. It is 197 miles. I set off very early in the morning and comes back very late at night to avoid traffic.

Show quote history

To do 197 miles in 2 1/4 hours means averaging - that’s averaging - 88 miles an hour. If 8 minutes of the 135 minutes available are done at an average of 40 on non-motorway roads that’s 192 miles to do in 2 hours and 7 minutes. An average of 91mph on the motorway. Even to to do the whole journey in 2 1/2 hours you have to do 79mph average. A little over 70…?!?!

Original poster
onight · 12/07/2023 19:32

RandomMess · 12/07/2023 18:50

Is he actually paying CMS rate? Seems very low tbh.

He could get the train rather than drive?

He is. He has three other child also that factors in.

OP posts:
Original poster
onight · 12/07/2023 19:33

RandomMess · 12/07/2023 18:50

Is he actually paying CMS rate? Seems very low tbh.

He could get the train rather than drive?

He said a train there and back would take around 15-16 hours with door to door.

OP posts:
Lizzt2007 · 12/07/2023 19:46

caringcarer · 12/07/2023 17:16

I drive 200 miles to visit my sister's and it takes me 2 1/4- 2 1/2 hours on the motorway. Same driving back. Never more than 5 hours driving.

Show quote history

So you speed. Motorway limit is 70 mph so even if the whole journey was motorway with no local roads at all and you didn't have to slow down or speed up once it should take a touch under 3 hrs (70 mph x 3 hrs = 210 mile journey)

TheFormidableMrsC · 12/07/2023 22:37

Highly doubt that will happen due to the distance, her whole life/school is here

OP, I said in my previous post that the exact scenario you think is highly unlikely did actually happen to somebody I know. She did not facilitate contact so the child was ordered to live with the other parent. Went to a new school etc. I think you're presuming that as Mum, your wishes and feelings trump everything else but they don't.

It may be better for you to seek legal advice rather than asking here. You appear confident in your assumptions but it may be better to get a legal point of view on this before you make a massive mistake.

SheilaFentiman · 12/07/2023 23:42

Wouldn’t it be better if the summer holidays were 3 weeks you and 3 weeks him, to reduce travel for all?

DD might not feel part of the family there, but that won’t be improved by her spending less time visiting

Original poster
onight · 12/07/2023 23:55

SheilaFentiman · 12/07/2023 23:42

Wouldn’t it be better if the summer holidays were 3 weeks you and 3 weeks him, to reduce travel for all?

DD might not feel part of the family there, but that won’t be improved by her spending less time visiting

It usually is and this is what we agreed on but my dd has stated she only wants to go for one week this time.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/07/2023 00:01

If he only pays you £200 a month it sounds like he's on a 20k salary, which isn't much to live off I can see how he's stressed about hotel cost. I can also see how he or his new partner wouldn't feel ok with him staying at yours even if that is the best solution.

He does sound like he's trying hard to make this work and to be in her life.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/07/2023 00:05

'She doesn't feel part of their family there'

I think you can help her with this by tactfully passing this on to dad, and also by reminding her how much her dad wants to see her as he keeps visiting and travelling and wants her in the holidays etc so even though he's far away, he's still her dad

clpsmum · 13/07/2023 00:05

OP please be very careful with this. I have been through the family court system and it is awful. It really is very traumatic. Please don't put yourself and your DD through it if you can help it

Autumnflakes · 13/07/2023 00:26

200 miles is London to Leeds. Even the best of roads/no traffic is four hours one way. Depending on where you live/ex’s place would it be more cost effective and cheaper for your DD to fly?

Your DD not wanting to be with her dad is a completely different issue.

SheilaFentiman · 13/07/2023 01:07

onight · 12/07/2023 14:57

Yes but it's only 12 times a year to do it isn't it. He travels a lot for work anyway.

Show quote history

If it’s only 12 times a year for him to do the journey then it’s only 12 times a year for you to do the 100 mile journey.

SheilaFentiman · 13/07/2023 01:10

“I know he's just bought a new car and also dd told me how much his mortgage is etc so I know financially he is doing well.

I preferred it before, it was less hassle and stress. Dd is getting older now and she has told me she doesn't want to do it. “

of course you preferred it when he did all the driving, but it’s more hassle and stress for him and no one is getting younger, so he probably found it more and more tiring, especially with a baby at home adding to sleepless nights.

toomuchlaundry · 13/07/2023 01:25

Are the 3 other children at the dad’s?

blisstwins · 13/07/2023 02:35

Doggymummar · 12/07/2023 14:56

You say you are tired, it's feasible he is tired too. It's a big journey.

But OP is full time cater to his child. He may be tired, but he still has obligations to the child. Why does OP have to exhaust herself for his benefit when she has offered her home and tried to make things easier for a long time?

AlfietheSchnauzer · 13/07/2023 04:11

@Quitelikeit Dont you need a sitter anymore?

Nice dig at single parents there, wow! Reported

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