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Original poster

Asked to work while DH retires

132 replies

haventkilledtheorchidyet · 14/01/2023 20:18

A recent discussion about retirement has surprised me and I wanted to gather opinions.
My husband is 5 years older than me. He has always had a good job earning more than me and as worked full time. I have worked apart from two maternity leaves. We share finances and he has always been cautious but relatively generous I'd say.
We were discussing retirement today and he says he expects to retire and for me to work on for another three years or so.
I was quite shocked as imagined we would retire at the same time. Views?

OP posts:
Foxywood · 15/01/2023 07:02

I would let him retire first and enjoy the lovely meal he has on the table when you come home from work at night, also clean house, tidy garden.

When DH retired I assumed we'd share all housework etc ............hahahahahaha

Demonto · 15/01/2023 07:43

You don't have to stop work completely when you retire, so it doesn't have to be ageing, though agree that it can be, my dad went from full time in an exciting career to watching daytime tv.
I'm an adherent to the FIRE movement (inspired mainly by Mr Money Mustache who doesn't blog much any more), meaning you're financially independent (in the don't have to work sense rather than self-sufficient from a salaried role) and can then choose when and if you work. I have lots of interests and like volunteering, I don't like my daylight hours being totally taken up by my job in winter when I could be out riding my horse.

ShippingNews · 15/01/2023 07:47

I'm in the same position but he is 11 years older and already retired. I'm still working. I can't imagine why you'd expect to retire together - why would you want to ? I come home to a clean house and dinner cooked, he does all the household stuff and the mental load. I'd be happy to do this forever !

sandgrown · 15/01/2023 08:46

My ex was one of the “old before his time” people who couldn’t wait to retire . But due to years of self employment and extended periods of not working he would have little more than his state pension. I had a job with good pension provision long before I met him. I took partial retirement at age 60 to release my lump sum and help my children from a previous marriage get on the property ladder. I still earned more than him part time. His idea of retirement was basically to sit home and watch tv. He had no hobbies and had stopped bothering with friends. I want to travel and have days out but I realised I would be the one funding everything! We have split up and I still have a mortgage so will work longer but will hopefully eventually have the retirement I want.

cptartapp · 15/01/2023 09:02

DH will retire from current job in three years at 55 and I will go six months later when I turn the same age and can access most of my NHS pension and lump sum without penalty. We may both choose to do a little less stressful pt work.
DS2 will finish uni that year so timings seem perfect financially.
God willing of course. We can't wait.

roarfeckingroarr · 15/01/2023 09:13

I can understand how you feel OP. Retirement feels like something you do together as a couple so you can make plans, travel, take up new hobbies or pursuits.

I wouldn't much like dragging myself to work while my husband was at home, regardless of who started work earlier 40 odd years ago.

midgetastic · 15/01/2023 09:26

Doesn't it depend on finances ? Have you both worked them out?

tappinginto2023 · 15/01/2023 10:25

@Eyerollcentral I'm assuming that they will follow the stats which show retired married women are often carers and the fact he is older and a man (man die earlier in the UK). Most elderly people need some sort of care , but yes of course he could just drop death one day in previously good health.
Even more reason to enjoy retirement together while you can.

woodhill · 15/01/2023 12:26

roarfeckingroarr · 15/01/2023 09:13

I can understand how you feel OP. Retirement feels like something you do together as a couple so you can make plans, travel, take up new hobbies or pursuits.

I wouldn't much like dragging myself to work while my husband was at home, regardless of who started work earlier 40 odd years ago.

Yes it can be tough and I do get upset and resentful sometimes but he does most of the stuff in the house

Also my job keeps my brain sharp

Eyerollcentral · 15/01/2023 13:15

tappinginto2023 · 15/01/2023 10:25

@Eyerollcentral I'm assuming that they will follow the stats which show retired married women are often carers and the fact he is older and a man (man die earlier in the UK). Most elderly people need some sort of care , but yes of course he could just drop death one day in previously good health.
Even more reason to enjoy retirement together while you can.

Often require does not equate to very, very likely.

roarfeckingroarr · 15/01/2023 13:39

@woodhill what's your husband's take on it? I think attitude would make the difference to me. Working PT and him taking on most of the household stuff would probably make it ok for me, in that position.

DuringDuranDuran3 · 15/01/2023 13:48

Have you both crunched the numbers to see if you retire at the same time ?

What do you plan to do when you retire ?

woodhill · 15/01/2023 13:49

He quite likes it

Tbh if he didn't do this I wouldn't be happy as he's not that much older than me.

UsingChangeofName · 15/01/2023 17:00

Retirement feels like something you do together as a couple

Well, only if you are the same, or very close in age, or you have planned for this in advance. What is odd here, is the "assuming" that 2 people of a different age, would be retiring at the same time. My starting point would be that people retire at 'retirement age' (State pension age) except where it has been planned otherwise (in terms of having paid off your mortgage, and sorted out generous pensions many years before, or have some asset - like a business to sell that is part of your financial planning.

so you can make plans, travel, take up new hobbies or pursuits.

One thing I always remember my Mum saying is how important she felt it was that she and my Dad both had interests / hobbies / friendship groups in retirement that each of them did independent of each other. She said she had seen too many widows and widowers whose whole world collapsed when their partner died as their whole world revolved around each other and they then struggled to cope with going to anything without their spouse there. I think that is pretty good advice. Yes, I hope we are fit and well enough, and we have made financial plans to be able to afford it, to be able to visit a few places on our bucket list when we retire, but, outside of holidays I am NOT planning to spend 24/7 with dh anymore than we have done for the first 30 years + of our relationship. I don't need to retire at the same time as dh, nor does he need to retire at the same time as me to be able to follow hobbies, volunteering, socialising etc that I plan to do when retired.

Ragwort · 15/01/2023 17:48

Using totally agree that it's essential to have separate interests when you retire (actually throughout your married life). A friend is tearing her hair out over her recently retired DH, despite having been a very senior, professional with outstanding interpersonal skills at work he seems incapable of filling his days and expects his wife to 'organise' his time .. even crashing coffee meet-ups with girlfriends Hmm. My DH has recently retired but thankfully has plenty of interests and hobbies plus taking up a couple of volunteering roles and running the house whilst I work part time.
Agree, you see far too many widows and widowers who have never made their 'own' friends and are desperately lonely. My own DM was recently widowed after 60 years of marriage, obviously she is sad but even in her late 80s she has a busy social life and lots of friends & interests so isn't moping around at home.

Cathyattie · 18/01/2023 20:29

Can be very difficult adjustment. I am 22 years younger than OH. He is retired and I am in full-on very demanding 120%+ job (70hrs pw av). Would love to have some more quality time together before too late but just doesn' t work currently. Am considering career break for couple of years then going back to work. OP - not sure this helps to answer your q. Just another perspective really :-) Perhaps you could consider part-time for happy medium or if 9-5 do some nice things in evening and weekends together.

Deathbyfluffy · 18/01/2023 20:32

This has to be a wind up surely.

Who would just assume he’s okay working 5 years longer than the other person? 😅

cosmiccosmos · 18/01/2023 21:28

Fabulous, imagine now the roles are reversed! How has he been through the relationship re sharing chores etc? If he's been pretty crap then you're wuss in as, now he is retired, EVERYTHING will be done. You'll arrive home to a fresh cooked meal and pristine house!

On the other hand it's been quite equal, you'll have to battle on for a few years but obvs will be restricted re holidays.

Eyerollcentral · 18/01/2023 21:31

Deathbyfluffy · 18/01/2023 20:32

This has to be a wind up surely.

Who would just assume he’s okay working 5 years longer than the other person? 😅

I cannot believe it either. I am stunned by the people who assume they will be able to retire at same time as their partner regardless of any other factor than their partner is retiring

ArcticSkewer · 19/01/2023 08:10

I know some of you are very young.

Until 2010 women retired five years earlier than men, at 60 vs 65. It's a very new concept for both to retire at 65 then 66 now 67+(introduced gradually until the pension age equalised in 2018). It's therefore only the last four years that women and men have retired at the same age.

I imagine four years of a policy seems a lifetime to our younger mumsnetters, bless.

That's for those expressing faux amazement at the concept of different retirement ages by sex.

shivawn · 19/01/2023 10:01

My husband and I plan to retire together at 60 but we're both the same age.

If he was 5 years older than me then I'm not sure what we'd do. It would probably depend a lot on finances but I imagine he'd retire first and I might reduce my hours a bit so we could take advantage of his free time to do more together before I fully retire at 60. I wouldn't retire at 55 just because he was retiring at 60 though.

NothingButSpace · 19/01/2023 10:06

Don’t people have a retirement plan? Even if it’s just working out your finances and considering when you would like to retire and working out if you can achieve it. If I had a partner I’m sure we would discuss it years in advance.

I always had a loose retirement plan although life events put paid to that (redundancy and divorce amongst other things) and I retired much earlier than planned.

AnnPerkins · 19/01/2023 11:13

It's primarily a financial decision isn't it? Neither of us has a particularly good private pension and we will have to work until our mortgage is paid off, which is currently when I'm 67 but we're overpaying to bring it forward. We're only a year apart in age and our finances are pretty equal so our plans are pretty much the same.

DH has a lot of hobbies and interests so can't wait to retire. I think I'll be happier reducing to a part time job first. I work in a very young industry so I'll probably be made redundant in the next couple of years which will force the decision on me.

UsingChangeofName · 19/01/2023 23:20

ArcticSkewer · 19/01/2023 08:10

I know some of you are very young.

Until 2010 women retired five years earlier than men, at 60 vs 65. It's a very new concept for both to retire at 65 then 66 now 67+(introduced gradually until the pension age equalised in 2018). It's therefore only the last four years that women and men have retired at the same age.

I imagine four years of a policy seems a lifetime to our younger mumsnetters, bless.

That's for those expressing faux amazement at the concept of different retirement ages by sex.

I don't think you'd consider me to 'be very young' - I hit my 60s next year. We have known about the retirement ages moving from 60 for a very long time. It might only have become reality in recent years, but it has been planned for a long long time.
I'm not expressing "faux amazement" I am expressing surprise at the fact that the OP seems to have just assumed they will retire at the same time, when they are different ages.
I know when I am planning to retire, because we have factored it into our financial planning for many years. I've done reading about pensions and financial investments. We've talked about our plans. We talked about our plans years ago when making decisions about whether we should over pay the mortgage or do other things with income once we got to a place when we had money left at the end of the month. I've been to a retirement planning webinar. I've looked at the predicted amounts I will get if I retire at different ages.

To summarise - neither dh or I "have assumed" anything when it comes to big decisions like retirement dates.

Fullsomefrenchie · 19/01/2023 23:36

It’s your decision when you retire. If you , and I mean you, can afford to retire early then do so.

amusingly I work with a woman who had the exact same situation as you, her husband who also works for us, just wanted a few years of golfing and doing his own shit without her involvement, hanging around and wanting to do stuff together so asked her to keep working. She didn’t, she promptly retired😂