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Original poster

Asked to work while DH retires

132 replies

haventkilledtheorchidyet · 14/01/2023 20:18

A recent discussion about retirement has surprised me and I wanted to gather opinions.
My husband is 5 years older than me. He has always had a good job earning more than me and as worked full time. I have worked apart from two maternity leaves. We share finances and he has always been cautious but relatively generous I'd say.
We were discussing retirement today and he says he expects to retire and for me to work on for another three years or so.
I was quite shocked as imagined we would retire at the same time. Views?

OP posts:
saraclara · 14/01/2023 22:26

My late DH retired before me (though out is necessity rather than because he hit the age for it. (Think about five years earlier than he'd planned). I'll admit that it was hard getting out of bed at 6:15 while he snoozed on! But he took over all the cooking, domestic admin, most of the housework and generally helping out our young adult kids, and that made my life load SO much lighter.

It didn't occur to me that I should retire at the same time. We needed my income for a bit longer and I needed to build my pension further.

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 14/01/2023 22:27

Also surprised to see people still talking about being ‘old enough’ to retire- surely the metric here is financial not age driven?

Jaxhog · 14/01/2023 22:31

My DH and I are the same age: he retired at 60, while I had to work until 66 (thank you Mr. Cameron). He did all the housework and cooking until I retired.

SugarNspices · 14/01/2023 22:33

Why shocked he is older than you and worked longer no?

Swissmountains · 14/01/2023 22:33

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 14/01/2023 22:27

Also surprised to see people still talking about being ‘old enough’ to retire- surely the metric here is financial not age driven?

Retiring too early is ageing

UsingChangeofName · 14/01/2023 22:44

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 14/01/2023 22:27

Also surprised to see people still talking about being ‘old enough’ to retire- surely the metric here is financial not age driven?

Not purely, no.

I suppose it depends on your work - but some people feel they need to reach a goal or something they want to achieve.
Some people really enjoy what they do
Some people didn't start work until later than others so are absolutely feeling they still want to work longer / until they are older
Some people have no life outside work and actually don't want to retire
Some people enjoy the routine of going to work and spending time with colleagues (or maybe the "clients" - be that patients, or young people or trainees or customers or service users or whatever work they do.

I've already worked for over 40 years. I am ready to retire. I am tired. I am frustrated with my employers. Dh is both younger than me and also started work a lot later than me. He has got to a place in his career where he is really enjoying it. The projects are exciting and he feels he is able to use his experience and skills to have a real influence on things. Even if we were the same age, we are at very different places in our working lives, and the decision about retiring isn't about whether "I" or "he" can afford it, as our income has always been family income just as our outgoings are family outgoings.

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 14/01/2023 22:47

Totally get that perspective @UsingChangeofName , I meant more in OPs scenario where she clearly wants to and the focus is on age. If people enjoy it, and want to then by all means carry on.

but if you can afford to retire and want to, then she seems a bit arbitrary

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 14/01/2023 22:47

*age not she

Chewbecca · 14/01/2023 22:49

A lot of snippy comments on here! There is no ‘obviously’ IMO.

My situation is my husband is 10 years older but only retired 4 months before me. My pension is much better than his, my health is worse, but crucially, between us we have enough to cover our outgoings. He teases me about having not worked as long as him. I don’t care! The flexibility of both having time is great.

You just need to work out what works for you as a couple and family.

Blanketpolicy · 14/01/2023 22:56

I was quite shocked as imagined we would retire at the same time.

Obviously would be nice if you could retire together, but that is not the kind of thing you just "imagine", it is something you financially discuss as a medium/long term goal and plan for well in advance together.

What financial planning did you put into your early retirement? What is the impact on your pension to retire early?

AllHunsBlazing · 14/01/2023 23:03

I’m 35, DH is 39. DH has a retirement age of 65, mine is 68 (and will only rise as the State Pension age increases). DH earns substantially more than me, but my pension terms are likely more favourable (defined benefit, partially final salary).

We fully intend to retire together when he is 65. I’ll be 61. Our financial decisions and plans are made on this basis. I’ll likely defer my pension for a few years post retirement, so we’re aiming for his to be enough to cover us both in the interim.

There’s nothing more precious than time. We intend to spend as much of it as possible together. Me working to 68+ when he’ll be into his 70s, is beyond thinkable for us.

I just hope we’re lucky enough for our plans to come to fruition.

shinynewapple22 · 14/01/2023 23:18

How old are you and your DH, OP? Is this a first discussion about something many years ahead -
Or is it something imminent which you've failed to plan for ?

pavillion1 · 14/01/2023 23:29

your pension pot is reduced by mat leave x2 .. Also working part time through the younger years . id be abit annoyed too OP

tappinginto2023 · 15/01/2023 01:16

If he's male (obvs) and older than you, then you are very very likely to end up caring for him. Possibly for a decade, that would count as working IMO as you are going to be elderly yourself and caring 24hrs a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year for years is a tough gig.

IMO if you love each other and enjoy each others company then yes retire together so you have some time together before one or both of you suffer ill health and or die (sorry, but it happens!)

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/01/2023 02:22

Has OP been back because this smells like troll or journalist?

deeperthanallroses · 15/01/2023 02:45

I would expect a retired partner to do the housework and cooking so we could relax together in the evenings! But we will roughly aim to retire at the same time, but it will depend on what jobs we have and if one of us can easily do 3 days a week and enjoy it then they would keep going longer I’d think.

QueefofSheena · 15/01/2023 04:06

DH retired early, his employer was downsizing and he got a VR/pension package that he really couldn’t turn down. I’ve never stopped working and I’m several years younger. We are now working on a joint project. Things do change and he found it quite boring when everyone else is at work, even with a time consuming hobby. The guy next door retired at around the same time at a similar age and couldn’t hack it, he’s gone back to the same organisation he retired from in a more junior role. The stress is off as he doesn’t have to be there. I know several men who retired and went back, but no women. He may not like it.

Eyerollcentral · 15/01/2023 04:14

haventkilledtheorchidyet · 14/01/2023 20:18

A recent discussion about retirement has surprised me and I wanted to gather opinions.
My husband is 5 years older than me. He has always had a good job earning more than me and as worked full time. I have worked apart from two maternity leaves. We share finances and he has always been cautious but relatively generous I'd say.
We were discussing retirement today and he says he expects to retire and for me to work on for another three years or so.
I was quite shocked as imagined we would retire at the same time. Views?

He is five years older than you though. Why is this shocking to you? I genuinely do not understand what your issue is with this? Did you expect not to work any more because he has retired? When can you access your pension? Surely that should be your date to retire?

Eyerollcentral · 15/01/2023 04:17

tappinginto2023 · 15/01/2023 01:16

If he's male (obvs) and older than you, then you are very very likely to end up caring for him. Possibly for a decade, that would count as working IMO as you are going to be elderly yourself and caring 24hrs a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year for years is a tough gig.

IMO if you love each other and enjoy each others company then yes retire together so you have some time together before one or both of you suffer ill health and or die (sorry, but it happens!)

I don’t think she is very very likely to end up caring for him. Not everyone needs care before they die, even if they live to a very old age. What makes you think it’s not even slightly likely he would have to prove her with care - he is 5 years older not 50

Stuffin · 15/01/2023 05:16

DH is older than me but we have decided, and more importantly planned, to retire together as we will be relying on his pension and our savings until I can also access my pension.

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 15/01/2023 05:29

I'm in a similar situation, except my partner is 14 years older. I now have the same earning power as him, although that was quite recently and up until then he earned alot more and even though I worked it's thanks to him we live in a 'naice' house and have no debt. I can honestly say I have never thought about it, but I think of he retired first that would be fair? He would have to do ALL of the housework if I was working. I'm also thinking I'll probably resent it a few years down the track and probably go part time or retire myself. Very interesting, something I have never thought about

Stuffin · 15/01/2023 05:35

I am surprised that people haven't discussed this with their DH/DW.

We have had many discussions on how much we think we need in retirement and do we have enough across our private pensions for early retirement and if so when we both hope to retire and will that be at the same time.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 15/01/2023 05:43

What does he plan to actually do when he's retired, OP? Some people (often men) just think 'not working' is an activity! Will he expect you to work and do all of the domestic stuff you do now? My father retired and basically sat in an armchair while my mother continued running round after him (although she did have hobbies that he thought were a waste of time).

I don't think it's unreasonable to retire together, if you have plans. Or to retire early. I've continued to work even though I could have retired a few years ago. I'll probably retire when I'm 60.

ivykaty44 · 15/01/2023 06:06

You don’t say how many years until retirement, but just plan accordingly & put extra money away to enable you to draw your pension earlier at a time you want. It’s not really down to anyone else but yourself and your pension fund

Thesealsknowsheismagic · 15/01/2023 06:33

If you want to retire together you need to plan it. It comes across as though the Op just assumed her husband would plan for her wishes to retire when he does without her saying that as though it’s a given. Joint retirement is a joint venture and should be planned together.

It’s a conversation ‘I would like to retire when you do. How can we make that work?’