Spouse deciding to retire early, spending our savings

[bestcoffeepot]

Not sure where to post this really, AIBU, relationships or money matters.

After being furloughed last year, briefly working again and then being made redundant, my spouse seems to have decided not to bother working any more. They are almost 55 so can start to draw the pension from former employers shortly.

They won't discuss the matter with me at all. Things went downhill fast in the relationship during their time on furlough when I naturally expected that they'd be doing the bulk of stuff around the house as I was having to work harder than ever at that time. They do about as much round the house as our teenage kids (don't get me wrong, the kids do enough but I'd expect a SAHP to do a great deal more than their own kids)

The thing is we'll be dipping into our savings every month if they are just receiving a reduced pension amount because of early retirement. The redundancy pay sum is half gone already having been used to balance the budget each month since they stopped getting a salary.

It's like we've saved all these years (a chunk of those savings are needed to contribute to the kids Uni years almost upon us) and, with no discussion at all, one of us has just decided to spend those savings now, on funding a "pottering about", retired lifestyle whilst the other has to keep working with no chance of a gradual decreasing of hours as they age/approach retirement (as we'll need every penny).

It's the lack of discussion over the matter that appals me. Those savings were created my me as much as them even though I was the lower earner as I covered most of the day to day house and child related stuff whilst also working full time.

I have lost all respect for them and I'm feeling trapped because having unburdened myself to a friend, they suggested that divorce will only increase our combined costs with 2 homes to run etc and cost us in solicitors fees too.

What can I do, realistically ?

If they won’t discuss it, then I would be doing my best to protect ‘my’ half of the savings.

It is deeply selfish to decide to check out with zero discussion and to deplete the savings that you have both built up over the years while you continue to knock your pan out.

Stuff that.

They don’t consider you at all. I couldn’t be with someone like that.

The resentment would eat away at me and I’d rather go with something in my pocket before they blootered everything.

I’m mid fifties and don’t want to work anymore. I still am at the moment. Our situation is different though, we’ve put two through uni and helped with their first homes. I’ve brought up both DC whilst DH built his career which was mostly working away. I’ve also done absolutely all of the mental and physical loads at home whilst working full time. I now have increasingly dependent elderlies to care for.

I went PT 18 months ago which helped a bit, but I’m knackered, I need a little bit of me time.

The difference is we can afford it, my pensions are good and banked, DH and I have talked lots and he is 1000% supportive that I just “Jack it all in” - it’s me that is still hesitant and thinking “yeh but what if? …”

I feel for your partner, they must have their reasons but not discussing them is not ok.

I would genuinely love to hear the other side of this one.

Yes I've taken early retirement I want to live before I die.
You two need to straighten out a few things I feel.

Loads of people feel like packing in work in their 50's but can't. Your husband is a lazy git. I can't see any point in being married to him tbh. Id rather be single and poor than with him.

Your OH has effectively stopped being a spouse. They have left the marriage while remaining under the same roof. These actions are not consistent with the marriage vows. So you need to get legal advice to protect yourself, given that they seem to have no intention of returning to the marriage and communicating and sharing decisions like married couples do, any time soon.

They may have perfectly legitimate reasons for leaving the marriage (as they say on Mumsnet, you can end a relationship for any reason if they are not happy) but to end it in this way is not legitimate at all as it is cruel and abusive to you and the DC's.

If they genuinely need a break from the treadmill to recover their mental health then they need to say so. But you can't just "take a break" from marriage in the same way. They have unilaterally ended your marriage, whatever they might like to think, and you have to respond accordingly. By all means if they want you to consider reconciliation they can take appropriate steps but for now you cannot be expected to carry on spousing. They have rendered you single , so do what you need to do in this horrible situation not of your choosing, and take steps to protect you and the dcs. Possibly in secret for now to ensure you aren't shafted.

Am tempted to suggest you get yourself on Tinder and specify "under 50 and in work", and start dating, but perhaps it's a bit soon....

@bestcoffeepot

Are you willing to tell us the gender of your spouse? I am curious but as I said in my response, it won't change me view.

If your OH has risen through the ranks and was quite senior, when you were working a lower paid job to look after children and support him in his promotions, then you should be going after his their pension as part of the divorce settlement.

I would be making sure you get this agreed before he they turn 55 and potentially siphons his their pension pot away.

I would be leaving.
It's not fair for any partner to decide to just not work without the agreement of the other. It takes away the future choices of the partner who is still working, and changes their lifestyle considerably too.
Except where health issues force one person into retirement, such decisions should always be made as a couple

Sorry if I missed this info

Can they live on their pension? How do you normally agree on uses for savings?

@DaisyNGO

It wouldn't be enough to live on if they lived on their own.

It's been many many years since we spent anything from our core savings. We've usually managed everything out of income in recent years, sometimes building up a balance in the current account.

Although OH has been the higher earner for many years they were also the most likely to buy an expensive item instead of a more modestly priced one. The one time I did that they questioned the need to spend that much !

OP is it enough to live on if you stay tigether? Is there any chance of getting them to see that would be fairer?

@DaisyNGO

Well presumably OH is of the opinion that it is enough to live on on the basis that muggins here will keep working to the point of dropping/take on more hours or be happy for the kids to come out of Uni with much larger student finance debts than they could have done if OH re-entered the world of work as soon as possible.

I've tried discussion again this weekend whilst the kids were all out at activities and I've said I've lost all respect for OH. No discussion possible despite my suggestion that we divorce as we are now poles apart in absolutely everything in life.

There are other reasons which mean I'm almost certain I'll be following through with a divorce now. Things weren't great but I thought we'd get through to retirement and then have plenty of time to ourselves to re-connect without the stresses and strains of work/financial responsibility for the kids and then be able to travel/enjoy life etc. I'll be utterly resentful of that not being possible and the thought of being at home more with OH, missing out on a life that could have been, and which friends of our age will be enjoying, is a gloomy thought.

Sorry you’re finding yourself here. How did he take the divorce suggestion, OP?

Will you eventually reveal the sex of the parties involved? I’m curious to know. I think your OH is behaving very badly. One cannot make these decisions unilaterally when part of a couple/family with financial obligations. I would love to be a SAHM but the havoc that would wreck with our finances means it’s not possible. I certainly couldn’t just decide that myself!

In practical terms where is the money held?

Can you withdraw your half of the savings or otherwise put a stop on the account?

How long ago did the redundancy happen? Is it in the last few months?

How old are you and when can you access your pension?

Is the main issue dc costs at Uni? I don't think they are unreasonable if this is the only lifestyle choice involved. Perhaps they disagree with supporting dc through Uni. I want to support my dc but equally won't do so if it costs me my health.

The stonewalling isn't acceptable at all and that's a reason to divorce if it's a pattern but are you genuinely open to a conversation about them not working?

The alternative is to write out a budget that shows income when you both retire, I'm assuming you're not 55 yet and have an option to take pension then as well.

Perhaps the reality of what will need to be cut from their lifestyle will be the wake up or perhaps they are prepared to live frugally. Maybe they can't face work again and this isn't laziness but a breather after a long career.

I just want to put the alternative

Ah well, if divorce is it, then it was just a thought.

I just wondered about alternatives as I am very frugal...but the point is how things will work for your happiness.

I plan to retire at 45 and DH probably 55-65. Isn't 55 an early but also normal retirement age for professional jobs?

well, they will need to pay NI contributions until they receive state pension.
first thoughts of mine from the behaviour you describe is depression or dementia.
i note you say they had a car crash a while ago; any possibility of traumatic brain injury.
but this is all academic really.
you should go see a solicitor or other professional adviser.
you need to protect what you can of joint assets.
if kids have to work more, pay more for college, then so be it.
they will be adults too. that's their choice. they could get a job and do training in post instead of what can be wasting time at college.
unless they are set upon a job that requires a degree straight off.
many employers value experience, adaptability and willingness to learn, and will make opportunities available to qualify in post.
you need to look after your position.
good luck.

Alex "well, they will need to pay NI contributions until they receive state pension."

I certainly won't be doing that but then I live off my money

I imagine this has come as a huge shock OP. It’s not the bad shit that defines us, it’s the way we deal with it, etc

Hopefully you will have time to reconfigure your finances, reduce the outgoings and still enjoy a pleasant retirement.

@CafeTherapy

I plan to retire at 45 and DH probably 55-65. Isn't 55 an early but also normal retirement age for professional jobs?

If you have the money to support it.

45 on the other hand. Isn't that just being unemployed!

Just to update people who kindly responded on this thread.

Divorce papers have been served and property has been valued but it looks like OH is going to ensure the process takes forever, dispute anything and everything and cost us both a fortune in solicitors fees.

They just stonewall over anything that needs to be discussed. I have to walk away to avoid shouting to try and elicit a response other than "go away ! " They want the heating on all day whilst the kids and I are out at work or school. I've explained that we're spending our way through the current account safety buffer and soon we'll be actually spending savings. They can look online at the bank accounts any time they like to see that this is the case. Maybe OH thought that the redundancy money is their contribution but this wasn't discussed, they won't discuss anything practical. I pointed out that going back to work now and not living off the redundancy lump sum instead of earning at this point in time means that they could retire earlier, possibly at 60. Presumably this is of no consequence to them because they've effectively retired from the world of work already. In the past 2 years they've only worked 5 months in total, if that !

Sorry, I'm venting again.

I didn't comment on this before. Just wanted to say how utterly frustrating this is for you. Also how can they be so stupid to see that by acting this way, they will probably have to work for longer.

Hope you get it sorted out soon and find yourself a lovely new home. make sure you ring fence some savings for you if you can.