Not earning and Children leaving home

[FreshJuice]

I dont earn and spend my time doing photography and very occasionally sell a piece of work but it wouldn't cover much. My DH earns a very good salary, enjoys his work yet also works hard: That said the pandemic hit hard.
Financially we are comfortable (Nice meals, holidays etc ) although we do have a large mortgage. Rightly or wrongly, I have left all financial responsibilities to him and he pays me an allowance, along with paying for for food, school fees, pensions and all bills. I in turn run the house and have created a lovely family. As the children are slowly growing up, 2 at Uni 1 at A levels, is there a pattern for the next part of life and wondering what other families do ? I have never needed to question it but as we approach our 50s I was wondering what might be the norm? I do think we need to talk about money so we can plan, but before I do so any pointers would help. Thanks for any advice.

Will your mortgage be paid off to allow your DH to retire when he wants? If not, I'd be thinking about getting a job. I am not sure I could be in that situation myself, it is also possible to run a house and create a lovely family while you work especially if your DH shoulders the burden of a large mortgage in your 50s.

I'm not sure there's a "pattern" - I'd hazard a guess that from general stats and anecdotally; most people who give up work to look after the kids go back when they start school. You've had quite a long period off; if your youngest is about to do A-levels.

That said, you don't need to follow the norm, you just need to work out what works for you both.

If you have a large mortgage, is there a plan to pay that off so that there's less pressure on your DH?
If you carry on as you are, will it be paid off before he wants to retire?
Is he happy to keep going as you are?

If the answer to any of those is no; you need to look at how you can bring in money.
Is it feasible to make your photography pay a living wage, even if it's a small one?
Is it feasible that you'll find a job quickly - or would you need to volunteer/refresh your skills first, in which case you might need to start looking sooner?
If your DH is older than you and there are no plans for the mortgage to be paid off before he intends to retire, how much do you need to earn to keep the house? Do you intend to downsize?

I think personally I'd struggle to not contribute financially; but it's a really personal thing, and if it works for you & DH; and it doesn't unduly put the pressure on him - it's your call what else you do.

If you are in the fortunate position of not financially needing to work op, I would be looking at options which might interest you and bring something in towards a pension pot of your own. Do you have any interests that you would like to expand. A friend of mine in a similar position who as very artistic with flowers went to work in a flower shop where she does Al the bridal bouquets, funeral wreaths and ordered flowers. If you still like being around the home you could look at part time. You should check the position of your state pension. You get pension credits for being at home with any child up to the age of 12 but nothing after that age so you may need to top up to ensure a full pension in your own right. If ther is no urgent need to bring money in, you could study or train for something. Could be academic or not. What are you good at? Two other friends started dog walking and cake making businesses. These are just ideas to get you started. 💐

Thank you for the advice and definitely am looking to bringing some income in and have a few ideas which are coming to fruition. If the mortgage pressure became too much we can always downsize and still be very comfortable. It wouldn't bother me but may bother DH as it would be step down so to speak.
Meanwhile, as we have never really discussed finances, (i know ) should I expect that all income goes into one pot and we divide it or how should it work ? My allowance has left me short a few times and think it would be better to clear it up. Am sorry for all the questions.

Have you both got pensions? Have you been claiming child benefit?

You should have the same spending money as your DH. Everything else should be in joint savings/pensions/spending. If you have made a joint decision for you not to work you should never be in a position where you are financially short when your DH isn't.

I would spend time getting a firm understanding of how your household finances work. How does your pension compare to his? Does he pay into a pension for you? Do you have a joint account? Does he have savings you don't have access to? If he keeled over tomorrow would you be able to manage all the household finances? If he left you, would you be knowledgeable about your joint assets?

What are your reasons for not working? It is a lot for one partner to bear the brunt of doing all the earning when the other has no reason not to work. If he lost his job could you find a job yourself?

My parents downsized, became mortgage free and moved to a part of the UK they enjoy.

The both worked but now both work less hours as they don’t need the money. I think that’s quite the norm for most people, maybe not moving but downsizing I think most people I know with adult children did that as soon as they all left home

OP does your OH earn enough that he can easily pay off the mortgage in the next 10 years or so? Assume that early retirement is not on the cards for him.

Do you have decent earning capacity if your were to get a job or start a small business as that could shave off some time from your remaining mortgage payments?

I always wonder what women with secondary schools kid spend their time doing, but your arrangement with your husband sounds lovely.

Contrast of the responses here compared to another thread I've just seen about a working woman who doesn't want her husband to get half in a divorce is so funny!

Am not sure the mortgage would be paid off in 10 years but worst case we can always downsize and live very comfortably which most certainly is an option.
Should he keel over, pray no, he has life insurance which would see us through but would have to sell the house. Irrelevant compared to losing him.
We both have pensions and just want to make sure that whatever we do is fair for both of us. He is the earner and financially i don't contribute.

What has prompted this? It seems astonishing that you have been together for a long time and have never discussed finances. A PP has pointed out the very unfortunate scenario of an early death, what would happen if you and DH were to split or he were to leave? It sounds like it would definitely have a material impact on your standard of living.

Could a starting point be - do you know what the minimum income needed to run your house and basic lifestyle is? If the worse happens and he dies, would the pension you have, any savings and life insurance cover it? While he has given you an allowance that has been entirely yours to spend, does your dh assume any pension you get will go into the joint pot to cover household costs and then you take an allowance our of that for personal spending?

Also worth looking how many years you'd need to work to get full state pension. If you have been registered for child benefit for all your dcs but either paying it back or opted to be registered but not take the money, then you would have your NI contributions paid for you until your youngest hit 12. Several friends of MIL who has been SAHMs took part time jobs in order to have enough years working to get the full pension.

Retirement planning would be sensible to be a joint conversation. You have best part of 2 decades left before you hit official retirement age. Would he like you to look for part time work so he no longer has to budget an allowance for you and can pay down the mortgage quicker?

He is the earner and financially i don't contribute

Is there any reason for you not to have worked since your children reached high school age? Can you now take steps to share the financial burden and ensure you have a comfortable future? Would your DH like you to work?

There is no excuse not to have a full handle on your joint finances so yes, if the worst happens, you understand what your options are.

There is no norm or "should"s here. You need to discuss plans with your DH. no one here can tell you what will or won't work, especially since key info such as his ability to pay off the mortgage or retire early himself is completely unknown.

you need to have an adult conversation with your own husband on this.

what works for other people won't neccesarily suit your situation, preferences or financial situation.

most women work these days and don't have the option of staying out of the workforce for a few decades - statistically, it's unusual. however, if it works for your family, great. clearly each set up is unique.

I had a similar set up to the OP when I was her age and had DC of a similar age. My DH and I discuss finances and share decisions but I earned very little/nothing. My DH’s income was paid into a joint account and then I transferred £750 per month into my account ( for personal expenditure) and also received £300 per month carers allowance.
We are early and mid 50’s now and have just retired. We’ve cleared the mortgage. Our priority was for my DH to retire as soon as he could at 55 and get our fixed outgoing lower. As soon as our youngest DC finished uni my DH retired.
I think you should talk to your DH about your joint and personal financial goals and also think if there is any paid work you would like to do.

The first thing I’d do, not waiting for the A level child to finish, is stop this nonsense of an “allowance”. You’re an adult, not a child.
Equal access to the money, budget together.

Is your husband happy with the arrangement? Would he like you to contribute financially? I think that is an important point to clarify.

When you say you're 'left short' with your allowance, short for what? Clothes, food, toiletries or more fun stuff like lunches out, beauty stuff?
Was it your choice never to work?

The idea of ‘allowance’ and you occasionally”running out” makes me a bit nervous… perhaps a conversation focused around Family Money and what are OUR long term plans and goals? There seems almost a parent /child dynamic.

But @MrsWooster does it not depend why running out? If op is running short living a 'real housewives' lifestyle with daily champagne lunches, shopping, salon treatments etc that's hugely different to op not being able to meet friends, buy any clothes or have any spends.

The teenager-like “allowance” and being “short” rings alarm bells for me. But I hope I’m reading too much into it OP and that he’s a decent, if traditional, man.

Regardless, you probably need to get a handle on this. If your husband died suddenly you’d have no clue what was going on financially and you’d feel quite vulnerable. You need to know where the money is and how much there is, I’d suggest. Also check your state pension position at gov.uk/personal-tax-account and consider making up any shortfalls.

In your shoes I’d find paid work I think, or build up my photography business. Some financial and professional independence might bode well.

Do you and your husband have the same size "allowance" at the moment?

Good point keyboard do you and dh have the same work/life balance op?

Wow. I can’t imagine having no understanding of family finances. Really strongly recommend you have that conversation, what debts are there, what assets, what plan is there for paying the mortgage and retirement?

i think you should make up your missing NI contibutions.
you never know what might happen.
and you ought to contribute anyway, to the common weal, inc NHS.
contact DWP for advice.

Crikey you’re what? Late 40s? And no clue about the family finances?!

Never to late I suppose but you need to figure out what is coming in and going out pretty quickly.