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Original poster

Not earning and Children leaving home

128 replies

FreshJuice · 15/11/2021 13:16

I dont earn and spend my time doing photography and very occasionally sell a piece of work but it wouldn't cover much. My DH earns a very good salary, enjoys his work yet also works hard: That said the pandemic hit hard.
Financially we are comfortable (Nice meals, holidays etc ) although we do have a large mortgage. Rightly or wrongly, I have left all financial responsibilities to him and he pays me an allowance, along with paying for for food, school fees, pensions and all bills. I in turn run the house and have created a lovely family. As the children are slowly growing up, 2 at Uni 1 at A levels, is there a pattern for the next part of life and wondering what other families do ? I have never needed to question it but as we approach our 50s I was wondering what might be the norm? I do think we need to talk about money so we can plan, but before I do so any pointers would help. Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:
DaisyNGO · 16/11/2021 23:13

@PegasusReturns

I really don’t think people are jealous.

People are fucking incredulous that a woman who doesn’t have the faintest clue about her financial situation is suggesting that:

“we need to set ourselves goals so that we both know what we are aiming for”

As if her DH hasn’t been doing all the heavy lifting and planning for the past two decades.

I think that sums it up

Though i'm still wondering about the allowance, because I have seen posters talking of allowances that are meant to include things like the family food shop. I get the impression OP is talking about her personal stuff only but not sure.

Chatwin · 17/11/2021 06:40

he pays me an allowance, along with paying for for food, school fees

Just her personal stuff by the looks of it.

OP you've not answered any of the questions about your knowledge of your personal pension and savings - do you have any kind of handle on that? Do you have any NI credits towards a state pension?

PurpleSneakers · 17/11/2021 06:48

@Supermohican absolutely agree.

Ignore some of the nasty comments on here OP (ie. just because OP has said she has raised a lovely family while being a SAHM does not mean that she was implying that you can’t raise a lovely family if you are a working parentHalloween Hmm

I can understand why this set up might have worked for your family up until now, and why now you are reviewing career, finances.

Take it one step at a time to learn more about your family’s finances and look into pursuing things that you enjoy career-wise for the future.

Oblomov21 · 17/11/2021 06:52

OP are you new to MN? because this type of question gets asked a lot. You can search back through similar threads.

SweeneyToddler · 17/11/2021 07:04

I would love to take some financial pressure off him

You and your husband are in your 40s; realistically you could each live for another fifty years. Soon you’ll have no dependents.

Surely the way to take financial pressure off him is for you to work?

It’s normal for a woman in her forties to work.

Cocomarine · 17/11/2021 07:38

“we need to set ourselves goals so that we both know what we are aiming for which in turn will bring us future happiness as we grow old.”

This is the sort of thing I meant in early replies… set yourselves goals?! If your left me to earn all the money AND manage all the money for over 20 years, I’d be at best indulgently bemused and at worst pretty pissed off if you turned around now with your great idea of goal setting.

Joint goal setting is a good idea, of course it is.

But you need to talk to him about the plans he’s already made.
I’m imagining you coming up with some vague good idea about saving in pensions… and him saying, “well I’ve hit the LTA, and I’ve been putting £2880 for you as a non earner into a pension every year which is your maximum, so… 🤷🏻‍♀️“

Or maybe he’s planned nothing… but it seems unlikely.

Again, you need to work out what is driving your sudden interest, because it’s not clear. Or rather, it’s clear to me that you want your allowance to be increased, but you say it isn’t.

Original poster
FreshJuice · 17/11/2021 08:01

@chatwin yes pensions are taken care of and we work on a basis of £2.5 to cover water council electrics plus food and personal spending.

Eating out school mortgage holidays childrens clothes trips sky etc are all his remit.

To answer a lot of the questions as to why now? The only thing we argue about is money. **He wants to be more transparent and set goals and the point of this post is purely to see how others do it when one partner is not financially earning.

OP posts:
CrimbleCrumble1 · 17/11/2021 08:17

Why do you argue about money?

Cocomarine · 17/11/2021 08:18

So that sounds like you’re getting to the nub of it. What do your argue about?

Yusanaim · 17/11/2021 09:01

That's funny - the whole thread seems to be you wondering how things will change if DCs are gone, what will you do etc and in fact it's DH wanting to know where the money goes !

My DH earned the money and we moved around a lot so hard for me to work etc (plus responsibilities at home, DPs etc). We are retired now. It is a shared pot but he spends MUCH more than I do so I have no guilt.
I would guess DH is wondering about retiring. I think the figure was 1million for a comfortable retirement. Would you have that after you have helped DCs with mortgage deposits etc?

FinallyHere · 17/11/2021 09:10

Why do you argue about money? @FreshJuice

The reason you do not agree will have a big impact on what advice would be useful for you to hear from strangers.

Does he begrudge funding you? Are you honestly a bit extravagant , what would extravagant mean in your situation?

Your life might seem privileged to many. It sounds like the life my mother lead, which caused me to put earning my own money at the top of my priority list.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 17/11/2021 09:13

Yusanaim your set up sounds very similar to mine. Our pension pots were almost one and a half million, so we used some of the tax free sum to pay off the mortgage and buy a car and put money by for helping the DC. We had shared goals of my DH being able to retire as soon as he was 55.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/11/2021 09:40

Eating out school mortgage holidays childrens clothes trips sky etc are all his remit.
To answer a lot of the questions as to why now? The only thing we argue about is money.
He wants to be more transparent and set goals

So he pays for everything AND gives you money which you then run out of and he tops you up. And that's what the argument is about. Because he sees that you cannot budget and he's worried that he won't be able to retire without you burning through the savings.

ancientgran · 17/11/2021 09:58

[quote FreshJuice]@SeemingSeamstress I just need to manage expectations. Whether its 50/50 90/10 I don't really care. Am just curious as to what other people do. Our situation works, allowance/budget/call it what you will and would like to get a handle on what we could be doing going forward.

What I can take is that we need to set ourselves goals so that we both know what we are aiming for which in turn will bring us future happiness as we grow old.

@BillMasen domestically when DH is around (travels one week a month) he helps more than most and we all enjoy it, whether it be cooking or homework etc. I would love to take some financial pressure off him and part of the conversation was to try and work out how to do this. Thanks[/quote]
The obvious way to take the financial pressure off him is for you to get a job and contribute. It isn't rocket science. I think most people manage their finances by both working with one maybe having a few years off while children are small.

Sittingonabench · 17/11/2021 10:14

There are podcasts which give some guidance about life stages and how to prioritise money/savings - although they won’t tell you how to split finances as that’s a very personal choice. At your stage it is best to work backwards. How much debt do you have, how much left on mortgage, when do you both plan on retiring, what state pension are you both entitled to and how much private pension you will need to top up. Also what happens if one of you becomes ill or passes. From that you can set goals and budget for day to day. The meaningful money podcast I’ve found very helpful in getting my head in the right place for such things but it will require you both to be open and honest about what you spend and what on without judgement.

Cornishclio · 17/11/2021 10:17

As you get older it gets more critical that you both have a fair grasp on your finances. Having an allowance sounds like the 50s model but then I always worked either part time or full time both before and after children. Joint household expenses and same personal spends for us both and we planned for retirement in our 20s, overpaying pensions, clearing mortgage before children went to uni, helping them on housing ladder then early retirement at 58 for us both. You need to talk to your husband and make a plan together and take more interest in your joint finances.

DaisyNGO · 17/11/2021 10:39

OP "Eating out school mortgage holidays childrens clothes trips sky etc are all his remit. "

So your allowance is all for you? Does it cover things like your share of a meal out or a new sofa?

You're being vague but it sounds like he's annoyed because he gives you money to spend on yourself and you then ask for more. "Transparency" sounds like "wtf are you spending this on".

FinallyHere · 17/11/2021 11:58

Another thought to throw into the mix, for me, would be what does retirement look like for both of you? How would your responsibilities change?

Clearly he would no longer be working outside the home and your responsibilities would all still remain. How will you adjust the mix of who does what at home in retirement?

Lipsandlashes · 17/11/2021 14:17

I think you need to face it love, your husband is no longer willing to bankroll your life of hobbies now that your children are grown ups. Time to think about updating the CV.

oviraptor21 · 17/11/2021 17:30

@Lipsandlashes

I think you need to face it love, your husband is no longer willing to bankroll your life of hobbies now that your children are grown ups. Time to think about updating the CV.
.... so long as DH and OP have similar personal spending budgets. It wouldn't be right to cut OPs budget if DH is spending £1000 per month for example. As stated above, it will be virtually impossible for OP to earn anything like what her DH can as she has facilitated his career at the expense of her own. This must be taken into account when finances are joint so that DH doesn't say ... well I earn £500K so I get £1000 pm but you earn £0 so you get £0. They must come to a joint agreement about whether it makes sense for OP to work more or not, a joint decision as to how to plan for retirement, and then a joint decision on their personal spending budgets.
Enough4me · 17/11/2021 23:21

When you say you argue about money and he wants more transparency, is it because he is the only earner and he feels you spend lots despite him paying all the practical bills, holidays etc. ?

Instead of seriously considering work, you are asking us to potentially agree that you should 50.50 spending money despite all your DC being adults and you not earning anything.

DaisyNGO · 17/11/2021 23:38

Really hoping OP comes back to clarify
#overlyinvested

Cocomarine · 18/11/2021 06:48

“she has facilitated his career at the expense of her own.”

That only washes for some time. One doing A level, two at uni… OP does not do school runs 🤣

oviraptor21 · 18/11/2021 07:14

You're missing the point.
It's virtually impossible now for OP to earn anything like what her DH earns.

Lipsandlashes · 18/11/2021 09:48

@oviraptor21

You're missing the point. It's virtually impossible now for OP to earn anything like what her DH earns.
Why does she need to earn the same as her husband? I’m sure it’s not that common for couples to earn the same amount - especially when women sacrifice their earning potential to have a family. It’s more about the OP getting a job to gain some financial independence and contribute to her own spending habits - rather than the expectation that her husband will be satisfied to bankroll her ‘fun money’ forever more.
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