Not earning and Children leaving home

[FreshJuice]

I dont earn and spend my time doing photography and very occasionally sell a piece of work but it wouldn't cover much. My DH earns a very good salary, enjoys his work yet also works hard: That said the pandemic hit hard.
Financially we are comfortable (Nice meals, holidays etc ) although we do have a large mortgage. Rightly or wrongly, I have left all financial responsibilities to him and he pays me an allowance, along with paying for for food, school fees, pensions and all bills. I in turn run the house and have created a lovely family. As the children are slowly growing up, 2 at Uni 1 at A levels, is there a pattern for the next part of life and wondering what other families do ? I have never needed to question it but as we approach our 50s I was wondering what might be the norm? I do think we need to talk about money so we can plan, but before I do so any pointers would help. Thanks for any advice.

If you've managed, as a couple, to pay school fees for three up till fairly recently, I don't understand why mortgage pressure would increase now that you have nearly finished paying school fees. Presumably the eldest will soon graduate and be financially independent.

It sounds like an affluent family, three children at private school, so it's concerning that your "allowance" runs out. I think you need to get a better understanding of family finances, I suspect there will be some surprises.

@CrimbleCrumble1 this is by far the best advice and seems the most sensible. In this way it’s all clear.
@Cocomarine the allowance reference has nothing to do with parent /child and Is purely an explanation of money budgeted per month. Read amount/budget/monthly expenditure We are fortunate enough that we havnt had to set allowance /budget limits for each other and just trust one another to be sensible. Yes I do occasionally run short and we then have a conversation about topping it up.
@Chatwin I had a freelance career pre children and then stopped once we had our first. I could go back but there hasn’t been a need and subsequently havnt really pushed it.
My DH is happy with it as it stands but as we get on in life we will have to have more transparency in our earnings. That is clear and setting a goal and budgets (allowances!) for each other seems sensible.

If he died the life insurance should be enough to pay off the mortgage so not sure why you'd have to sell.
I can't understand why you wouldn't work with your kids ages. Aren't you bored ?

I also wonder what has prompted this questioning? You haven’t had to be a hands on “SAHM” for a few years now. It’s difficult to tell whether your concern is related to adding value or you want to make plans but are not sure how to finance them.

As the children are slowly growing up, 2 at Uni 1 at A levels

No, op, your children ARE grown up, 2 actual adults and one almost 18yo.

You have had, it seems, an incredibly privileged life where for the last 20+ years you've not had to work, still had plenty of luxuries and an 'allowance' to spend as you like.

Now your offspring are leaving home you are looking at a quiet, possibly boring and lonely future with dh at work all hours, a situation I suspect many of us have no experience of, having gone back to work when the kids were little.

You need to decide what you want to do - part time job, volunteering, ladies group? And a big, huge discussion about finances and your future together now that you are older, the kids have left home, and you're knocking around the place mostly on your own.

Make a spreadsheet - income vs. outgoings. List everything. Work out how much you can save each month. Can you save more and overpay the mortgage? Make some projections - if we pay off £500/month extra, the mortgage will be cleared X years sooner.

It’s all very well your DH earning well but I wouldn’t want a large mortgage at your age. If he earns so well, why hasn’t it been paid down sooner? Unless you’re in London and the plan was always to move somewhere cheaper for retirement, this all seems a bit odd. I certainly couldn’t have spent time at home for the best part of the last ten years and not worked, knowing there was a large mortgage at play.

If you haven't set limits, how can you run short and need a top up? I don't understand how you could have mutually budgeted when you seem to have very little insight into the family finances.

My sense is that you are feeling defensive now due to a combo of people's responses and perhaps beginning to realise that your situation is quite far outside the norm. Please try to move through that for your own sake.

Use the school fees budget to overpay your mortgage

Sit down and understand how things are at the moment - what investments, savings, ISA’s pension funds are there- you need to have at least a basic understanding of these things just in case (see below)

Use a spreadsheet to detail all your outgoings and income - there’s a really extensive one on moneysavingexpert website, down to the last haircut and car wash. This will give you a realistic idea of your income needs going forwards and perhaps highlight areas where you can now consider cutting down

Meet with a financial adviser to see how you can secure the income you need should DH want or need to stop working. This may feel far off but I know many families (including my own!) in exactly this empty nest scenario who have re-evaluated what they want out of life and/or have had health issues which have meant that the main earner has had to stop work (heart attacks in 50 something executives on gym treadmills is not an urban myth)

Even if you don’t need to earn, you may find that without the kids to manage/keep you company on a day to day basis you will feel untethered. Volunteering is a great way to provide focus and to feel useful.

@FreshJuice
“ the allowance reference has nothing to do with parent /child and Is purely an explanation of money budgeted per month. Read amount/budget/monthly expenditure We are fortunate enough that we havnt had to set allowance /budget limits for each other and just trust one another to be sensible. Yes I do occasionally run short and we then have a conversation about topping it up.”

Language is important and it tells us a lot about your situation. If it really was a budget that you agreed together (or even that Mr Finances had decided) then you would have said budget, not allowance.

And when you exceeded the budget, you wouldn’t have had to ask for more, like you’d over spent your pocket money.

I would make it my priority to take an equal role in the finances of the household.

Incidentally, if I’d funded 3 children - included through private school - and a SAH wife for over 20 years, I might be somewhat bemused if said wife told me we needed a plan when she didn’t even know how long the mortgage had to run.

It’s a bit of an odd situation - just as life gets cheaper, you want a plan?

I would start my asking him to explain what his existing plan is - because it’s fairly likely he’ll have one.

No offence, but why would OP husband follow this advice

"The first thing I’d do, not waiting for the A level child to finish, is stop this nonsense of an “allowance”. You’re an adult, not a child.
Equal access to the money, budget together."

From what I'm reading, if for 20 years + my spouse has no idea financial management or how I managed to put 3 kids through school, I certainly wouldn't let her have equal access to money. It doesn't sound like she pays any bills or any of the "essentials" so all her money sounds like fun money & if she spends it then he's not like she's going without. If she's home all day she's also much more likely to** blow through cash on things he might consider frivolous...

I don't see what is wrong with an allowance if she has no idea how tight things are or how much money there is.

Slightly odd situation to be in to be honest. He might think she's planning a divorce if she asks lots of Qs suddenly after 20+ years!

@Cocomarine

Incidentally, if I’d funded 3 children - included through private school - and a SAH wife for over 20 years, I might be somewhat bemused if said wife told me we needed a plan when she didn’t even know how long the mortgage had to run.

It’s a bit of an odd situation - just as life gets cheaper, you want a plan?

I would start my asking him to explain what his existing plan is - because it’s fairly likely he’ll have one.

This exactly!!

I'd be annoyed if I was him that she suddenly wants a plan, it shows such a lack of understanding of finance. Presumably he funnelled money to school fees rather than overpaying on mortgage & planned to focus on mortgage when costs decreased at uni stage.

We both work for average salaries. I'm 48 and two starting A-Levels next year.
We have a fair chunk of mortgage left. I want to leave the rat race, which I've worked in for over 25 years, and work for myself.

I'm conscious we have a mortgage and uni costs coming, want to keep my pension going etc. I have thought about renting out a room if desperate. Is that something you might consider?

If not, I would use your skills to find work to help reduce the mortgage and pay into your pension? Perhaps working in a studio or going freelance, working as a commercial photographer maybe?

I don’t think the large mortgage is such a big issue if there is a lot of equity in the house. For example a 300k mortgage on a million pound house leaves 700k if the couple were to downsize when the youngest DC leave home.
OP are you saying you don’t know what your DH earns and do you have access to savings and joint accounts etc or just to your ‘allowance’? Do you have a record of all account numbers and passwords in case anything happens to your DH? Could you spend some of your time getting involved with the finances, this is something I’ve always done even though I haven’t earned very much during my marriage? Could you remortgage and get a better deal, are you overpaying, could you? How about utilities do you know who you are with, could you switch suppliers and so on?
Even if you don’t go back to work you should get clued up your household expenses.

@CrimbleCrumble1 yes I have access to all and you are right about the mortgage. It is large but then there is a lot of equity in the house which, if we needed a life style change would more than comfortably see us through.

Its interesting to read the replies and my days are not at all empty as have a gazillion different interests to keep me busy. The point of posting was to get an insight into how couples split their finances when one earns alot, and the other not.

What I can take away is that we both need to set a monthly budget and a common goal to aim for.

We don’t “split” finances. They are joint, but just not earned by us both if that makes sense! The “split” is in terms of our role within the family and it works for us - I absolutely get where you are @FreshJuice. However as we have faced the best emptying we have done a lot offer-evaluation and I have made it a project to talk about finances a lot more merely so I can be satisfied about where we are and what the future looks like as our lives will inevitably change.

Its interesting to read the replies and my days are not at all empty as have a gazillion different interests to keep me busy.

Have you spoken to your DH who's been funding it all, do you have a plan to? I too agree with other posters who say if i'd had a partner who had left all the financial responsibility, knowledge, planning for decades then turn around when life/large financial commitments are on the down hill and said to me "we need to make a plan" - i'd laugh! you've not been involved in the stressful side of things for years and yet NOW you want to get involved?

i suggest you frame this from the POV of ensuring your JOINT later life plans have room for each other.. e.g would your partner like to downsize? does he want a "gazillion" hobbies and interests that keep him busy instead of work work work?

your posts paint your partner as a silent cash cow. time to consider making it an actual partnership.

The point of posting was to get an insight into how couples split their finances when one earns alot, and the other not.

But your situation isn't quite the norm. a high earning single earner whose partner doesn't work at all despite 2 of the 3 kids being adults/independant, and the 3rd almost 18, enough income to pay for 3 private eduucations, and the SAHP having zero knowledge of the financial affairs.. this is something like the norm that existed for middle class people of my parents or grandparents generation, not standard these days. it's not wrong, but this isn't a common setup.

What I can take away is that we both need to set a monthly budget and a common goal to aim for.

See my earlier comments about how this might be perceived by your partner.

I presume at some point you and DH had a discussion and agreed that he could work and you would look after the children? So now that should be discussed and reviewed in light of the next phase where the children will have left. It does need to be an agreement about priorities, financial commitments and responsibilities, it can't be based on what worked up to now.

I don't know if there's a common way to approach this, mainly as most people now tend to go back to work sooner. I imagine your DH has a financial plan for the mortgage, maybe that needs to be a joint responsibility now?

I'd be embarrassed I had so little insight into the family finances.

Coco has given some excellent advice .

One parent at home can shoulder the burden of running an efficient home by paying bills, submitting tax returns, overseeing investments, organising holidays, arranging family events, and weekends away and supervising gardeners, cleaners, car purchases, car maintenance, house refurbishments and maintenance. There is a lot to be said for wife work.

How much of the above you do?
How much knowledge do you have about your joint and individual finances.

To give some apples do you Have a good understanding of the following?
the total amount in your personal pension pot and your annual contributions. (You can't have a joint pension as far as I am aware.)

How much is in your Isa pot? Each adult has a tax free allowance of 20k Per annum ( there are no joint ISAs )
How much as a couple do you hold in savings?and are savings held jointly or individually, lower rate tax payers can receive £1000 pa interest tax free and 40% tax payers can receive £500. It is likely savings are in your name.
What is your outstanding mortgage balance and when is it due to be repaid?
You need to start taking an interest and be better informed.

Mumsnet readers don't need to know the answers.
You may have lots of interests but being financially aware needs to go to the top of the list.

Give Examples not Apples

@SeemingSeamstress it’s more common than you’d think (even approaching the norm) in families with a HNW husband , several privately educated children with busy lives. Yes it’s a kind of 1950’s cliché (earner plus homemaker) but it can work if that’s what both feel works best for them

@Alwayscheerful I agree “wife work” has its own value and benefits as long as it’s an active choice

@Cocomarine

Incidentally, if I’d funded 3 children - included through private school - and a SAH wife for over 20 years, I might be somewhat bemused if said wife told me we needed a plan when she didn’t even know how long the mortgage had to run.

It’s a bit of an odd situation - just as life gets cheaper, you want a plan?

I would start my asking him to explain what his existing plan is - because it’s fairly likely he’ll have one.

I agree with this.

Just wondering what a ‘lovely family’ is and whether by working I’ve made mine substandard.