Not earning and Children leaving home

[FreshJuice]

I dont earn and spend my time doing photography and very occasionally sell a piece of work but it wouldn't cover much. My DH earns a very good salary, enjoys his work yet also works hard: That said the pandemic hit hard.
Financially we are comfortable (Nice meals, holidays etc ) although we do have a large mortgage. Rightly or wrongly, I have left all financial responsibilities to him and he pays me an allowance, along with paying for for food, school fees, pensions and all bills. I in turn run the house and have created a lovely family. As the children are slowly growing up, 2 at Uni 1 at A levels, is there a pattern for the next part of life and wondering what other families do ? I have never needed to question it but as we approach our 50s I was wondering what might be the norm? I do think we need to talk about money so we can plan, but before I do so any pointers would help. Thanks for any advice.

What sort of job would you like to do?
Sounds like now is the perfect time to get back in to work and build some independence.

Working can be really rewarding and even fun, sometimes! A chance to learn new things and meet new people, in addition to the ££.

The point of posting was to get an insight into how couples split their finances when one earns alot, and the other not.

I find it bizarre that you're only asking about this now rather than 20 years ago. I think this ship sailed a long time ago.

Reading this thread makes me feel like I woke up in the 1950s.

I think people are being very judgemental of the OP here.
She has a current set up that works for her husband and her for now, and has done for many years, and she is merely asking what it might look like in the next 10 years.
What do you want it to look like OP? Current arrangement with your allowance? Downsize with smaller mortgage?
I don’t think there is a norm.
I’m not sure why people are asking OP what she does all day/ isn’t she bored …it’s nothing to do with her question..
and likely people projecting their own insecurities
She doesn’t work because she doesn’t have to… and likely won’t have to going forward… but that is not what OP is asking advice on…🤷‍♀️

@PegasusReturns

The point of posting was to get an insight into how couples split their finances when one earns alot, and the other not.

Ok I’ll be honest. I earn a lot. I pay for the house, the school fees x4, most holidays, the primary cars (including eldest DC).

I have done all the long term planning around savings, investments, pensions etc.

I would be furious if DH turned round after decades of my juggling and making everything work and asked what the plan for our future and could we now split finances as if the past two decades hadn’t happened.

I think this is the main point.

OH obviously has a plan as he's financially planned things the last 20 years. Kids leaving home isn't really an obvious trigger for OP to suddenly have these questions. I think that's why people's responses haven't necessarily addressed her actual Q.

@Supermohican

Hope you are alright OP and ignoring the nastier replies on here. It’s pretty common to have a SAHP in my area who does everything to do with running the home/children. Older children still do need a lot of support, unfortunately they don’t suddenly stop once they reach eighteen. Everyone has a situation that works for them and it’s not relevant how other posters run their lives or transfer their issues on to you.

I wonder if you could talk to an independent pension adviser/financial planner in your area?
With or without your husband, then have a big conversation about finances and how he feels about it. He may well not be bothered but you need to have a proper discussion.

This makes no sense. How can she talk to a financial planner with absolutely no knowledge about the household income, savings or income yourself? Do you have a financial planner yourself - they need pretty detailed info to actually be able to forecast.

Also her husband will likely have already done all of this. That's who she should speak to not MN people.

I think in your position I'd get a part-time job or try to spin a bit of money from a hobby to bring in some extra money. It doesn't sound like you really really need the money but it would just be a "nice to have". You didn't say what type of photography you do but if it's anything that can be commercialised you could look to develop a business from it. Without the dependency on your own income and pressure to get back into work you have the luxury of being able to build your reputation and survive troughs in work.

No point going full time really as your husband would still expect you to take care of everything domestically. After 20 or so years, I don't think it's unreasonable to assume he is out of the habit of helping on that front and would rather bear the financial strain than change that.

i'm sorry but the more I read OP's updates the more i think this isn't about

how to get back into the world of work
how to contribute financially
how to balance her DH's financial pressure with taking on some of the load.

it's pretty much "what's a fair grab of the spare cash", it's literally the focus of her latest update:

this is what am trying to establish :the level of "allowance" wink. Is it 50/50 ?

the answer is, we don't know, it depends, you need to speak to your husband..

were yoyu hoping for an echo chamer which says something like "loads of people agree my allowance needs to be higher, like 50/50 of our spare cash"?

as the breadwinner myself, if i were in your DH's position i'd be really fucked off at this approach.

It would be lovely if there were some concern for your husbands work life balance and you wanted to help take some of the burden

Someone asked you if you felt the work life balance was fairly split between the 2 of you…

“ I don't think it's unreasonable to assume he is out of the habit of helping on that front and would rather bear the financial strain than change that.”

I think that’s a massive assumption. It may be he’d love the op to take some financial strain and he’d pick up some domestic. I have a feeling that’s not what the op is looking for thiugh

OP "My allowance has left me short a few times"

What does your allowance cover?

I am not working at the moment but DP and I keep a lot of separate finance. So I am choosing not to work but still pay half.

It's only meant to cover early years childcare but even then, I'm thinkimg to go back earlier than planned but that's different as overall we are not well off, or married.

Sorry, after that post I'm not sure my input is useful! 😂 But I am curious about what the allowance covers, if it's your stuff only, then it's not his problem if you run short?

Why is everybody so jealous of OP? If it works for them that she doesn't work, it's really nobody's business.

The question was about splitting finances.

@SeemingSeamstress I just need to manage expectations. Whether its 50/50 90/10 I don't really care. Am just curious as to what other people do. Our situation works, allowance/budget/call it what you will and would like to get a handle on what we could be doing going forward.

What I can take is that we need to set ourselves goals so that we both know what we are aiming for which in turn will bring us future happiness as we grow old.

@BillMasen domestically when DH is around (travels one week a month) he helps more than most and we all enjoy it, whether it be cooking or homework etc. I would love to take some financial pressure off him and part of the conversation was to try and work out how to do this. Thanks

@Gubanc

Why is everybody so jealous of OP? If it works for them that she doesn't work, it's really nobody's business.

The question was about splitting finances.

Why on earth do you think people are jealous?? I think people are a bit shocked given that we're in the 21st century and all that.

How much is your allowance?

If you want to take financial pressure off your DH, why are you putting off getting a job until your grown child is in Uni?

@Gubanc

Why is everybody so jealous of OP? If it works for them that she doesn't work, it's really nobody's business.

The question was about splitting finances.

No jealous at all , incredulous

@daffodils123 I think my post made pretty good sense in the context of

With or without your husband and also in the context of ‘talking to him’.

Thanks for your feedback though.

I tried to be helpful rather than call the OP names, imply she is lazy etc.

[quote FreshJuice]@SeemingSeamstress I just need to manage expectations. Whether its 50/50 90/10 I don't really care. Am just curious as to what other people do. Our situation works, allowance/budget/call it what you will and would like to get a handle on what we could be doing going forward.

What I can take is that we need to set ourselves goals so that we both know what we are aiming for which in turn will bring us future happiness as we grow old.

@BillMasen domestically when DH is around (travels one week a month) he helps more than most and we all enjoy it, whether it be cooking or homework etc. I would love to take some financial pressure off him and part of the conversation was to try and work out how to do this. Thanks[/quote]
Honestly? I’m not sure a 50/50 money split is fair in the circumstances you describe.

When you are a SAHP by agreement, then you should have equal spending money and pensions etc etc.

But your SAHP role is coming to an end. I think you need to offer to look for paid employment, your justification for not working outside of the home is ending. Your DH may say there’s no need for you to earn money, in which case ask to split spending money 50/50.

I think the starting point is you at least offering to contribute financially.

OP said some while back what her allowance was. I think it was something like £700ish?

Fwiw, it would be very difficult for OP to take any financial pressure off her DH .... if he's a six figure earner and she's effectively just starting out, anything she can earn is just a drop in the ocean. In fact it's arguable that if she did take on work it would put more pressure on her DH as she would be around less to take care of the household.
However, developing the photography business as a freelancer could work.

I'd also say it's very common amongst high earners to also control the finances and money management generally so it's no surprise that OP doesn't have much idea of the family finances.
Also OP is likely to have secured their state pension if the DH has been managing the finances properly but worth checking.

People seem to have missed that you are getting carers allowance op. Who are you caring for? You have to be pretty full time caring to get it.

Oh do ignore me, it was a different poster 🙈

I would love to take some financial pressure off him

Why?
What financial pressure?
You seem to have loads of money?
Where is the pressure?

Basically you're asking for an increase in your personal allowance now that there is more disposable income???
Or are you concerned that when he retires your allowance will go down???

In both cases you need to have a convo around certain scenarios eg what if one of you got a diagnosis?

You yourself can take control of the situation by earning yourself, but you seem reticent.

There’s a huge amount of jealousyjudgement in this thread but there’s another side to consider.

If you were a single mum, and earned enough to pay for a live in nanny/housekeeper with sex on the side for good measure you’d also be very privileged, particularly if you could find someone to take on that role, and hold onto them over the years. What was your allowance again?

Many womens’ careers would benefit enormously from not having to take time off with sick dc, or leave promptly to collect dc or be able to commit to whatever overtime and travel arises without worrying for a moment about the dc.

And imagine having lunchtimes, evenings and weekends to relax instead of squeezing in the shopping, the housework, and extracurricular like swimming and grinds.

OP There’s a couple of threads in the feminist section from a few years back about facilitated men that are worth a read if you can find them. It’s very easy to downplay your contribution particularly when working for money is such a dominant cultural value.

I really don’t think people are jealous.

People are fucking incredulous that a woman who doesn’t have the faintest clue about her financial situation is suggesting that:

“we need to set ourselves goals so that we both know what we are aiming for”

As if her DH hasn’t been doing all the heavy lifting and planning for the past two decades.