Keeping up with the Joneses culture

[Mumoftwo2021]

Anyone else feel that social media etc have set impossible standards for our younger generation.

We have become a culture of debt and trying to keep up with the Joneses, all the while destroying our mental health and spiralling further into debt.

Recently I’ve reviewed our finances and decided to stop being sucked into this and sort out our finances out to have some quality of life.

Anyone else taken a U turn in this day and age and refused to try and live up to today’s standards?

I don’t use social media, other than here. Both my DDs understand that social media isn’t realistic.

Step away from it OP

Funny enough I’ve just come across this story which made me chuckle 🤣🤣

www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/influencer-spotted-economy-seat-after-24241814

I have never given a damn about keeping up with the Joneses. I couldn’t possibly care less about designer labels, the latest electronic toy or ‘fashionable’ interior decor, whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean. I have everything I require, and the last thing I need or want is more bloody ‘stuff’.

Social media is for vacuous morons and consumerism is bullshit, perpetuated by corporations who exploit the insecure, the gullible and the stupid.

consumerism is bullshit
I agree, filling the world with crap.

I read a while ago that we've reached 'peak stuff' in the west, well I reached peak stuff decades ago.

www.ft.com/content/c56ad542-f649-11e9-9ef3-eca8fc8f2d65

It’s fascinating about the house thing too. My perception of what you ‘need’ has become so warped by social media, interiors mags and shows, that I’ve been failing to appreciate my actually very nice and perfectly adequate house.
My kids all have a bedroom but as one is small I was thinking I need to do the loft so they have more space. It’s crazy really. Who says they must end up in a double bed?
I grew up in a house with one loo and we have two. I don’t need another bathroom. My mum managed perfectly well with no utility room, play room etc etc. I do too and I don’t really need them.
I think I’ve had a big dose of being aware how lucky I am and how much time I’ve wasted worrying about what other people think.

My son asked me the other day if we had a big garden (a friend had remarked)...

I just said "it's all relative - there's always going to be someone with more, someone with less. But yes we are lucky to have a nice outdoor space"

At other times we teach that it is "vulgar" (well, I prefer "just not what you do") to talk about/compare money or possessions out loud.

I think a lot of people get sucked into this trap without consciously thinking of it as 'keeping up', people I know talk about it more as 'basic', 'minimum expectations', 'having what we need' - so much pressure that if you can't afford or don't prioritise these things you've somehow failed, in particular I think people feel it in relation to their DC. The trouble is those "needs"/"basic expectations" are so, so much higher and more expensive than they were a decade ago - no-one seems to think they themselves were failed as children for not living in big houses or driving new cars or going on expensive holidays as our expectations were so much lower, and yet people set themselves these really high goals for how they should raise their own DC. And of course companies/marketing agencies/the capitalism system works off deliberately playing off that guilt/fear particularly in advertising targeting parents - remember that really guilt-trippy series of WDW adverts a few years ago that played on the 'making memories' theme?

Wherever gave a good example about houses, like she says I think a lot of people think each of their DC having their own large (non box room) bedroom, an en-suite to the main bedroom, a utility room, new kitchens and bathrooms every 10 years is 'essential' nowadays (so many of my friends when they had their DC moved from perfectly adequate small terrace houses or large garden flats to big detached houses because they 'need the space for the DC'. Holidays similarly, when I was growing up foreign holidays were only just becoming a thing and were still very much a luxury, whereas nowadays I think people feel they've somehow failed if they don't take the kids on at least one holiday abroad a year and at least occasional long-haul/Florida/skiing/'big' holidays - again when people talk to me about it they frame it as they 'have to' do this for their DC's memories/experiences in life - when did we collectively decide that if you can't afford £15k to go to Florida at least once you've ruined your children's childhoods???

Just a personal theory but ironically I think the people best able to resist this pressure (and probably some of the people posting on this thread comfortably saying they've never bought into 'keeping up' whatsoever) are the best off financially - if you are comfortably middle class, secure that you'll always be able to take care of the DC, support them in whatever they want to do, they'll never be bullied for being the 'poor kids' at school, free of whatever insecurities a lot of people have, you probably are less inclined to bankrupt yourself to get them the designer trainers or whatever other status symbol you feel is more protective? I'll probably be torn to shreds now by posters saying 'no I grew up in a ditch and raised my 10 children in a bus shelter wearing bin bags and never felt any materialistic instincts' classic-MN style!

I get what you mean re your theory @maxelly. I don’t know if I grew up working or middle class but my parents both worked, my dad in an office and my mum in a post office and owned their own home. My school was 70% social housing kids and I was teased relentlessly for not having “branded” uniform, non-trendy school shoes or trainers, my dad drove a clapped out beetle, and all hell broke loose when I said we didn’t have a video recorder - highly prized in the late 80s. Roll on 30 years and many of those kids are still living in social housing on the same estate, driving new cars, wearing luxury brands, but live very much day to day with very little in the way of savings, according to a mate who still lives there. I guess it’s what your financial priorities are - it’s different for everyone .

Just a personal theory but ironically I think the people best able to resist this pressure (and probably some of the people posting on this thread comfortably saying they've never bought into 'keeping up' whatsoever) are the best off financially

Maybe.
I'm very comfortable middle class and have very little desire for material things. There's nothing designer about me, even our dog's a rescue mut.
I grew up very poor though, council estate, on benefits and you're right about much more need to be flaunting of wealth around.

What do you want? Validation?

So much on this thread, is about social signifiers. It's embarrassing the way posters like to try to desperately say how humble they are.

I agree, @ShrikeAttack.

Watching the English is an interesting book which discusses this to an extent. To be honest, criticising others because they seem to flaunt possessions etc is probably showing your own insecurities.

If you struggle financially to buy something like a car, or if you don't want a 4x4 because they are environmentally bad and bloody hard to park in an M & S car park space, then don't buy one and be comfortable in that choice.

But if you want to drive one to portray a certain image, which makes you feel good, and can afford it, then absolutely no problem.

I grew up in an area where you were heavily criticised if you got above your status. Again, this was simply insecurity, and I knew from a young age that I wanted to move away from that environment.

I now live in an area with lots of 4 x 4s, new kitchens and fancy houses, and I bloody love it. People are a lot more secure in themselves, and therefore happy to accept others for who they are, regardless of what they possess.

Oh, and I've had brand new cars on finance, as well as old cars, depending on what I needed at the time. Currently own one 4 year old car, and a 15 year car, both of which we've had from new, neither of which are 4x4

I agree with @Ritasueandbobtoo9

I have never worried about anyone else’s standards. Just make things nice for yourself.

Luckily my close friendship group don’t compare what we all have or judge. They wouldn’t be my friends otherwise. Some of us drive new fancy cars, some of us drive cars that only just start. Some are living in 5 bed detached houses, some in very small 2 bedroom semis. When you decide to live a way for you and not for others it’s really liberating. Personally I like some money to have a takeaway or go away, so choose to live in a house with just enough space and drive a car that gets me to where I need for work, and isn’t at all luxurious. That’s the only way we have spare cash and I don’t think it’s anything to be ashamed of.

Maybe some people would just like a big house, 4x4 etc. It doesn’t make them wrong. You also have the right to decide not to get them. We’ve just bought a lovely big house so we have “more space for the dc”. I won’t be posting it on SM though. It’s nobody else’s business but ours. I think people look at us and wonder how we can afford certain things like the house and the holidays we have but in reality we don’t really spend on anything else as we are quite tight 😂. Other friends buy lots of stuff and then comment on how they are hard up.

I don't understand how people "keep up". No clue. It must be debt right?

Example: someone at my work, who gets paid similar amount to me:

• New Audi every three years (assume on credit).
• Her rent is £1,000 per month (and no we're not in London!)
• She always has new hair cuts and colours, lash extensions, nails done, Botox, make up, new work clothes every week.
• multiple holidays abroad.

She defo doesn't have family help. So my question is how does she sustain this? Must be debt, surely!

Keeping up with the Joneses is no way to live. DH and I used to live in a very Jonesy area and it was painful watching all the posturing. Friends next door had a six yr old DC who had a classmate to play. This kid declared, loudly and in earshot of the mother, 'Your house is rather small, isn't it?'

We were thrilled to move away from there.

I was always taught that it was vulgar to brag in any way at all about how wealthy you were. We had bugger all so it wasn't difficult It was a good lesson though, and one I have taught our DC.

I've never fallen into keeping up with the Jones's but I did fall for the "you deserve to treat yourself" life motto. I never went into debt but I had no savings and nothing to show for it. So many of my friends were similar. We'd have a crap week at work so we'd treat ourselves to £150 of skincare in the name of "self-care". The next week it would be a weekend away because I "deserve a break" or a new expensive dress or new shoes or an expensive facial. Took me a long time to realise I was using treating myself as excuse to spend money recklessly.

This is a brilliant post Op. Everything that's being posted resonates. Years ago my dad who was a union leader said that the local very large car factory offered a scheme where their employees were given a perk of a brand new car with discount, he said it's the company way to keep everyone compliant and not strike if the company decides to change their workplace conditions as they have this bill to pay. One by one these employees went from buying realistic smaller affordable family cars to luxury expensive ones. I feel this is happening nowadays with consumer products and housing as people are lead to believe through the power of advertising that they could only be happy if they had similar. Huge debt = compliance and acceptance as they owe so much money.
Personally I sleep better knowing I can pay my bills every months and I don't need a big house/car/coffee machine/American fridge/designer shoes/clothes handbag to prove my worth. With all the posters on this thread at least we can make a small step by standing against this debt culture.

It's not about being "humble"

It's about being secure in one's own values

Not doing things purely to keep up with others

Interesting that you interpret that as insecurity. I'd say it was the exact opposite.

And guess what ? Some of us aren't even English!!! Gasp!!

@Grellbunt what does being English have to do with it?

[quote qualitygirl]@Grellbunt what does being English have to do with it?[/quote]
Pp mentioned that book in relation to the point

I’ve never tried to keep up with anyone’s anything, to be honest. I literally don’t care what car someone drives, where they live etc- it has no impact on me at all. I like my car, and my house- but that’s because they suit me and I don’t care if others like them or not.

Possibly as a result, I have a lot of disposable income. I do have a small mortgage, but have never bought anything on finance. Credit is expensive and I’ve saved a fortune by not using it. Not serving debt has meant I’ve been able to save and buy cars etc. outright.

I’m a bit of a minimalist by nature anyway, and the idea of grey walls, grey velour sofas, and mirrored cabinets everywhere leaves me cold.

My lifestyle isn’t frugal- I just spend on the stuff that’s important to me, without giving a thought as to how it will compare to my peers.

I have lots of luxuries. We live rurally and I keep an apartment in the city. It’s an extravagance but one that hugely benefits us and is possible because we didn’t spend our 20s getting off on shopping trips to Dubai every year and buying giant people-carriers once we needed to install a car seat.

My kids have been taught that they don't need to keep up with anyone and we lead a simple lifestyle. However my biggest worry for them is house prices and the fact it will be near impossible for them to become homeowners even with help from us.

I think it’s about your motivation. If you buy a 4x4 because you love it and you’re thinking about how fun it will be for you to drive and not, I hope everyone sees how well I’m doing and is envious, then great. It’s when you put your decisions outside of yourself that the trouble starts.
There’s always someone better off, with a better car or whatever. If you’re putting yourself in an invisible race to have the best then you’ll never be satisfied.

I’m so glad my attitude has changed, life is much better now I please myself and stop worrying about what other people have.