Keeping up with the Joneses culture

[Mumoftwo2021]

Anyone else feel that social media etc have set impossible standards for our younger generation.

We have become a culture of debt and trying to keep up with the Joneses, all the while destroying our mental health and spiralling further into debt.

Recently I’ve reviewed our finances and decided to stop being sucked into this and sort out our finances out to have some quality of life.

Anyone else taken a U turn in this day and age and refused to try and live up to today’s standards?

I have a friend who really feels the need to keep up. New car every three years, big American holiday every year, buying the latest iPhones/ watches, a new kitchen in a 3 year old new build home. They are continually paying one debt after another. DH and I don’t feel the need to keep up with those around us, we do have some nice things but live well within our means, our car is old but we bought it with cash a few years ago, we are early 40s and have paid off our mortgage. We feel happier knowing we are financially secure than we would trying to keep with with others and having huge debts.

Great thread. YY to opting out. keeping up with the Joneses isn't just about houses, holidays and cars though. It extends to 'good' schools, pets, extra curricular activities for the dc, social capital anything really.

Opt out and make choices that meet your family's needs.

I am somehow surrounded by an inordinate amount of high earners (we live in NE England so this is unusual). We are average earners and I work part time as we have more than sufficient money to live off anyway and we have a really good quality of life.
I do occasionally have moments of thinking wow what would life be like if we had their money but it passes. On Saturday we had a meal out and I ordered tap water as I always do. You would think I'd ordered sewer water. San Pellegrino water was ordered along with the best champagne. It tasted just the same as tap water and I realised it was all for show.
In all but one of them I can see a deep unhappiness and I genuinely wouldn't swap places with them.
I'm off with my kids this week for half term as I am off for 99% of all school holidays as we tailor our lifestyle around this.
Remember what is important and it isn't money beyond providing a decent standard of living.

Brand new cars are the best way to waste HUGE amounts of money. The depreciation alone the second it is off the forecourt. And the tax. And the interest.

(I have a terrible habit of buying crap on Amazon but at least the absolute amounts are quite small!)

@UmaTheUnbelievable that's such a true statement, social capital. That's absolutely what I observe happening around me. I've got a toddler DC and once lockdown eased I noticed the race was on to get toddlers into music groups, mini rugby, etc.

No, I've never brought into that mindset. I think I watched 'fight club' too many times in my teens! "We buy things we don't need, with money we don't have, to impress people we don't like".

Financially I'm pretty solvent, I have a reasonable paying professional job, a smallish mortgage in my name only, I have no debt and a bit saved for a rainy day fund (enough to live off for 6 months). I can successfully financially support myself and my DD without any contribution if required, which is freeing. My car also owes me nothing and is 13 years old. It works just fine and if I won the lottery tomorrow I would still be driving it until it clapped out. The fact I have no social media probably helps with this mindset, comparison truly is the thief of joy.

I would also say that my DP and pretty much all of my friends and colleagues are of similar mindset, so I guess that makes it easier not to buy into. Where I grew up was a very money orientated area, there was a lot of keeping up and showing off, I found it really unappealing and vacuous even as a child. I'm happy to now live somewhere with less of that intensity and have a circle of people in my life with other interests.

If you feel like this around people you mix with them find different friends.
My DC are at Private school and we live in quite a nice area but we dont have flash cars or buy only designer gear or ski or spend winter in The Caribbean and I have NEVER felt unhappy about my life or the need to compare myself to others,
We have everything we need but we have more than some and less than others - I don’t care what anyone else has.

Having lived a small portion of the lifestyle it’s miserable and horrible, wondering if you have enough money to cover your bills, penny pinching all the time.
I honestly can’t wait to be free of this burden and become more financially secure, it’s definitely appealing and liberating.
It’s definitely an expensive lesson learnt, suppose I was naive to think it was so easy, and we just had the car we didn’t even get to the new build house, designer clothes, lavish holidays. So god knows if there are many others doing what we did and the sh*# hasn’t yet hit the fan?! X
it’s so nice to hear how many of you haven’t been sucked into it and life secure content lives.

Hi, yes we consciously jumped off that bandwagon some years ago and our finances have never been in a healthier position.

That's not to say that we don't buy things or go on holidays - it's just that our choices are very deliberate and considered. If I want something or want to do something, I have the money for it as I'm not wasting the cash on random items bought on a whim.

It's also a better lifestyle to help the environment.

Funnily enough the tide has started to turn for us as well... albeit in a slightly different way. We suddenly realised last month that me working part time was crippling us, and I was clinging on to reduced hours being more worried about fitting in with my 'part time mommies' group (who now with children at school, get to have lunch out, shopping trips etc) than what my children actually need. My job is actually more stressful on a part time basis (think trying to squeeze five days worth into 3!) and our quality of life hasn't been brilliant for years now (been working part time since the birth of our first born 8 years ago) On a full time wage, I'm the higher earner and
making the decision to up my hours has been a massive relief to us both. I'm looking forward to getting my career back on track, providing for my family and no longer caring about what other people are doing/thinking about it. My children know that I love them, and I actually think we'll spend so much more quality time together now.
Liberating 👌

So pleased for you OP. It's hard to step away from it all but such a good idea.
I am always wishing for a detached house but am learning to live without one. It's great to be inspired by you all.

I have always been terrible for this. I worked in advertising and was still suckered into everything going. A lot of mine stemmed from feeling insecure and trying to buy my way into other people’s approval. They might not like me, but they’ll like my designer handbag. Etc to infinity.

I don’t work now and necessity has meant I can’t buy any old thing. To be honest I don’t miss it and as time has gone on, I’ve realised most people don’t care anyway.

Two of my closest friends are very very well off and I do have to remind myself that they are not the norm. They’re actually not that extravagant and never make me feel bad for not having as much money. They also have problems and money doesn’t make you immune from all of life’s hardships. I suppose I now covet their security and that’s what I’m striving for. I value that most. It would be nice to be able to be secure and splurge now and then, but I’m happy with my life and grateful for what I have.

Social media does need to be used with caution I think. It’s one thing I’ll be really hot on with my children. Interesting post thank you.

Love the lmc Joneses!

I think society has set unrealistic standards and that can be really hard.

Our consumer led society tells us that it is “normal” to holiday in Barbados and drink cocktails in Paris; to ski, to dive, to ride horses; to get your hair blow dried alongside the weekly mani/pedi; to drive a 4x4 and redecorate frequently; to own a designer handbag etc

Ten years ago I was extremely stretched for cash. Today I have more than I can spend. Along that journey I have been astonished by the amount of money required to sustain the lifestyle that advertisements promote as “normal”. At each milestone I thought I’d be able to achieve a certain lifestyle that the reality is couldn’t be achieved until I was earning much much more.

This is interesting as I'm in my 30's and this had gone over my head, I didn't realise it was something people my age did, I associated it with older home owners. Perhaps because we rent and don't drive so I've not kept up. Since we've lived in our rental over the past 6 years pretty much every house around us has had a new driveway, several new big cars on the driveways and a constant stream of building work goes on for whatever renovations they have done inside. These are people in their 50's and 60's. Although I hate renting sometimes I wonder if it has saved us money because we don't feel that pressure to keep up with decorating, thinking they need an updated new kitchen, bathroom, extension, the building work never stops round here. I love reading the property boards here but there's a definite impression that if you own a home you have to keep ripping out perfectly working bathrooms and kitchens to get new ones every 5-10 years. Our rental ones haven't been updated since the 70's but it all works perfectly fine.

Definitely do it OP!
I must admit that I haven't ever felt pressured to have 'things' and am lucky to live in a place where most people don't have much money hardly anybody has flashy cars etc. But even when I lived in the city for a bit I wasn't at all attracted to that lifestyle. It makes me feel a bit sick, but that may be the way I was brought up.

We work a little less than full-time, buy second hand cars (currently I have a fiesta) and run them until they become prohibitively expensive which had so far been about 14 years old. We buy maybe 6-10 new bits of clothing every year each, replace phones when they die (last phone lasted six years) etc. I think, if you can afford it, it helps to buy furniture etc either second hand or mid-range. Long-term it costs more to buy really cheap stuff as it often isn't made of real wood etc and just chips away and you have to replace it. So it's not all about buying the cheapest you can definitely. Buy quality but without worrying about the brand maybe?

Anyway, because we live 'modestly' (compared to the Keeping up with the Joneses types anyway) we can afford not to work quite full-time. We have more free time. We grow a few veggies in the garden and we go for a lot of cheap/free hobbies. We do sometimes go out for dinner etc, but most of our socialising it done at houses or out walking/picnics etc. I realise it may not be for everyone, but the amount of free time is wonderful. I am actually living, not slaving away all hours to fund a lavish lifestyle which won't bring me any happiness at all.

I think definitely go for it as much as you can! If you can save enough to cut down on some work hours you will have a much much better life :)

I'm so pleased I saw this thread! We are having a similar car dilemma, and objectively it's stupid.

I go to a toddler group where I am (almost without exception) the only person not driving a luxury 4x4. Our gym is just as bad for it.

Every time I show up, this little head in my voice tells me that we have just as much money as many of these people (we do), and I could drive around in a nice Volvo (I could), so why don't I? For those few hours a week, I really want a bloody expensive 4x4. But for the rest of the week I don't care. It's literally only when it's in my line of sight.

So far I am actively resisting, and I too have felt that I'm having to make an active choice to opt out of this stuff. It annoys me, as it's a side of myself that I don't particularly like!

It is easy to get sucked in into thinking you are providing the best for your kids etc etc but it is advertising, the greatest thing you can give your kidsonce absolute necessities are met like food and shelter is a harmonious home, most kids play with about 20% of their toys most of us only wear 25% of our wardrobe so not buy the other 75% because of the life you envisage rather than the life you actually live.
Cars clothes furniture( unless a genuine antique) is never a financial investment they maybe in a slight sense that they enable you to work but they will always be worth less than you paid very quickly
Some minimalists have some advice not the extreme kind there is a youtube called Simple happy zen that has just done a 7 day series on simplify your life you could watch all 7 in an hour, I don't buy in to it all but there are some useful ideas.

Contentment with what you have and financial stability are great gains. You should take a 500k mortgage just because that's the max you can borrow if you can house yourselves perfectly adequately and nicely on 300 or 400, I know unfortunately in some parts of the country 500k doesn't buy much but in other parts it will buy a large villa but if you don't need a big house don't buy one it is just more heating more maintenance and more cleaning, since big style decluttering I can clean my house in half the time and I don't have tore buy things because I can't find them. I allow myself one new thing a month I don't count toiletries or tights or things that are for house or my DD THIS year I have bought a new phone old one was 5 years old, a new bra, a denim dress and a new white top.
I'm not into FIRE I don't want to live really frugally so I can retire to live on next to nothing at 45 but sometimes their websites have decent info on being financial stable
Most people are too wrapped up in their own lives and problems to notice that you only have one winter coat etc

Two brothers in ancient China left home to seek their fortune. They met up 10 years later, one had become the cruel king's right hand man, had wealth and all manner of finery. The other was a dirt poor monk.

The rich brother asked the poor brother "if you could learn to kowtow to the king, you would not have to live on rice and beans"

The poor brother replied "if you could learn to live on rice and beans, you would not have to kowtow to the cruel king"

Perhaps some finery is in order, but a debt free life by rejecting consumer junk has a lot to be said for it

I don't think people like the Kardashians, sports stars, Dubai influencers etc help - they are advertising a way of life that is completely unobtainable for 99.95 of the population - whether it's a kids party, new car, yacht. They really flash their wealth in a way that I find utterly vulgar and nauseating and tacky.

I use Twitter for news feeds I'm interested in. I use Instagram for holiday/walking/cycling/gardening ideas. I don't wear fast fashion, I have a capsule, almost date-proof wardrobe. I don't buy luxury brands, but I do by less but better and future proof some purchases (a top spec mobile that will last me until it won't upgrade anymore etc), a medium sized second hand car that will take me and all my shite to the allotment or climbing wall, and spend my money on experiences, not things.

I have a friend who thinks they are the Jones’ always out and about with their kid. Spend. Spend. Spend. Despite being in a low pay job . It’s all bollocks and I ignore the stuff they post . Their MH is crippling, can’t say anything because you head gets bitten off

Interesting thread. Early 30s here too and I feel inadequate to the other school mums who own their houses and I rent. Then again during this half term if I had posted photos on social media of what we have been upto I would have looked like I had splashed out on loads of days out when really one day out was a free return ticket to a small theme park as the weather was so bad last time we went and another day out was £40 that I brought last year from wowcher but to others it could have looked more. I wish people would show the real side of life it's refreshing to see that not everybody has their shit together once in a while. I defo have the comparison thing and it pisses me off that I don't live in the moment, trying to work on that and tell myself positive affirmations because I am very lucky for the family I have

@sar302 honestly I could have written your post word for word. It's exactly the same where we live too. We nearly succumbed to the temptation to buy one too and I also don't like feeling like it either.

So nice to hear everyone’s situations, and how people are managing to avoid being sucked in and happy.
I am currently awaiting funds to clear to get rid of the expensive 4x4 and put a deposit on a nice 6k family car. Now I’m so close to being free of the burden it’s becoming harder waiting!
As you say it’s so liberating, and I can’t wait for more family days out, meals out, and saving up for financial security.

Coming off social media was the best thing for my mental health, because I don’t see all the bloggers etc showing off their lifestyle and purchases.
I hear what you say about homes too, 95% in the U.K. I’m sure are now grey and white interior with grey carpets haha

I would like to keep some of my thrifty mindset because it’s always good to save money where u can but not to the extent that we can never have tea out, cut my own hair, and be worrying if we have enough for the next bills.
It’s strange how I got sucked in because I recall a conversation with my DP regarding bedrooms as we have a 3 bed house and two DS with one on the way and he said we will need to move so they have their own Bedroom in which my response was, society leads us to believe that each child needs their own bedroom when in reality many years ago lots of siblings shared bedrooms! So how I saw this but not other things I do not know x

I can't imagine anything more boring than just whipping out a credit card and buying whatever instantly and whenever you like and not having to wait for it.

I can whip our my credit card and just buy whatever I want, I wouldn't describe it as boring, or satisfying/exciting, it just is what it is. This isn't some sort of stealth boast, the main reason I can do this is because I don't want anything in the first place. I don't like shopping, feel like I'm already drowning in 'stuff' so don't want any more. I don't have a flash car and have absolutely no desire for one. I usually buy the smallest car I can find, buy it new, drive it until it dies, then get another new one. None of this is me being stingy or denying myself, I just don't want anything. I do live in quite a big house, decoratively, it's in a right state though, frankly, it's too much bother to get new furniture. We do eat out a good bit and have travelled widely but I can't think of a single time I've posted about it on social media, why would I? Who cares where I went for my dinner!

I'd be a rubbish lottery winner