Financial Abuse? Im not sure! Help!

[LittleElf85]

Hi all

I am new here and someone has advised me to come and discuss this here.

I have a mental health issue so I work part time. I struggle to do anymore. My husband works full time.

We have a daughter at home but she is biologically mine not my husbands.

He earns double what I earn but we split everything 50/50, rent, bills etc.

His response to that is, well go to work full time then, its not my fault you work part time. He doesn’t think its fair for him to go to work full time and me part time and share money.

I pay for my daughter. Say we go on holiday then he will pay most of it but I have to contribute say £500.00.

With regards to bills, car etc, we pay half of everything and what he has left is his, and what I have left is mine.

It seems some of our friends have separate finances too but my parents think it’s absolutely crazy.

He said its not his fault he works full time and me part time and to work full time then. That’s his answer.
I have just checked his bank account out of curiosity. I have all the internet bank logins.

I cannot believe what I have seen.

The car is in for repair which is going to take half my savings and my Mum and Dad are funding some of it to help because he said he couldn’t afford it all on his own.

I had 0.40p in my bank account the other day. It was my mums birthday and my mum and dad paid for a meal for us all.

Put it this way. Im on the bones of my bottom and he has plenty.

Jeez
That does not happen in my house. I think you need to leave him, he wont change

Is this not normal?

No, it's not normal. Even with separate finances partners support each other.

It's not normal, I have separate finances but DP pays all of the bills as he earns more.
Do you get CMS for your daughter?

NO that is not normal at all, if you are married its family money. That is what being married is all about.

I have separate 'spending money' from my DH but its the same amount each occasionally he gets a bonus but they usually pays more when we go out / on holiday

Its certainly not normal to borrow money from your parents when you are married and he has money that is really odd - ask him why he is happy for his WIFE to struggle and worry about money what kind of husband does that make him??

My partner and I earn roughly the same and contribute 50:50 to a joint account which covers all shared household bills etc. Anything left in our own account is our own.
(We're not married).
When I was on statutory maternity pay I stopped paying into the joint account and used the maternity pay for stuff for me and baby, we would discuss any other expenses I they arose (and more often than not decided we couldn't afford it). But always joint decision.
If I earned half of what he did I would expect to pay 1/3 of the contributions to the joint account.
Some people are very funny about money. It's very common for couples to be incompatible in this area, and a common reason for people to split.

Not normal. My dh works full time, me part time. Even if I worked full time I'd not earn half of what he does! He pays probably 90% of the bills. I pay my car tax and insurance, internet and phone. 2 of the 3 kids aren't even his! He still has more money than me after that but if I need anything I just send a link and he orders it.

That is not okay.

My DP earns about double what I earn. He pays for approx 70% of our expenses I pay 30% but also do all "essential clothing" for my DS. Even though DS is not biologically his, he will still purchase stuff for him.
If we went 50:50 I'd be skint and he'd be swimming in the money.

Although our finances are separate at the moment. We do plan on getting a joint account, and putting into it what is needed for everything household/child related monthly

Might be normal for some. I’ve a friend who splits things 50/50 and he earns 3 times as much as her.
For me it would be the fact that he’s lied to you he’s also happy to fleece your parents, when he has sufficient savings to cover the cost of repairs.

Is it? And we got separate food shops this week.

I always feel like I am a burden because I have a mental health issue.

That I should be grateful he has stayed with me through it all. It isn’t easy, especially when I try and be ‘normal’ for my little girl.

Who else would want me and take on someone who had a life changing trauma who struggles to function sometimes.

We have been married for 5 years and it has just always been like this because when we did pool our money together (once) he was ringing me saying when have you spent £15.00 on shoes (my daughters school shoes.

We got a takeaway the other night and I had paid for my daughters dinner money, the dog food and the window cleaner.

It was his idea to get a takeaway. When we got the takeaway he was like oh I take it I am paying for this then.

Its making me doubt my marriage.

I'm sorry op, but that's not normal. I'm not talking about the separate finances - plenty of couples do that and make it work, but the attitude towards it and the lying.
I can't believe he's happy for your parents to pay for car repairs and to sit on his savings.
Even if you combined finances, I can't see it would solve the problem - the school shoes spending shows this.
Personally I'd take the control back and LTB. I'm not normally one to say that, but having been in a controlling and abusive relationship, you (and your daughter) deserve far better.

Is it classed as abusive? Because he doesn’t physically so anything to me or ewt like that.

Remind him about his marriage vows 'all I have I share with you' and in sickness and in health.

It's not your fault you're ill either. It's not fair to go 50/50 when there's such a huge discrepancy in income so you can't afford to live.

I bet you do more cooking cleaning laundry shopping and home organisation than he does and that all benefits him, even if it doesn't bring any money in.

Oh dear. What a situation!

What the heck do I do?

Ignore the DD. Make sure all costs are split pro-rata. Housing. Council tax. Utilities. Food. Everything.

You'll have a lot more money. It'll be fairer. You'll have more funds to pay for your DDs needs.

Ensure you get maintenance for your daughter.

Your DH married you knowing you have a daughter. He shouldn't be complaining about any of her costs. Which you could cover if all other costs were pro rata based on income and if you have maintenance for her.

We have just had a big argument.

I said you knew I had 0.40p in my account the other day and your sitting on that much money and you went and got your own food shop!

He said you should have asked me for some!

And he also said why should I be penalised for saving up! You should go to work full time.

I’ve been married 30 years - since we moved in together we have pooled our wages, paid bills & what’s left is used for whatever it’s required for (be it clothes, car repair, hols, posh coffee! etc).
We are a team, end of.
I’ve not always worked full time (we are both full time currently) took maternity & stayed home for DS first year. Worked part time until he was a teen, have had 2 months out with depression & 6 weeks off after an op. I supported my husband when he was made redundant & flat out for weeks with a bad back.
This works for us, isn’t necessarily “right” & prob wont work for everyone - but I think you definitely need to review your circumstances, it’s making you unhappy.

You might find that even if you worked full time you earn less than him. So the principle of having family finances arranged pro-rata of income holds true regardless.

You should move to pro-rata while you look for full time. You might not even get a full time job!

Pro rata regardless.

OP the issue here seems to be that he is not the father of your daughter and neither does he see himself as that. You are essentially house sharing with him as a single mother. What was the arrangement you had with him before you married. We’re finances ever discussed. He doesn’t want a single mother as a wife yet he married one, which is strange.

@LittleElf85

Oh dear. What a situation!

What the heck do I do?

LTB

Take the money out of it- he sounds vile and unsupportive of your mental health condition. Does he understand it?

He said he tries to help and understand.

He said I should have just asked him for some money. But the fact that he was sitting on more than a couple of thousand pounds when my parents had offered to lend us the Money for the car repairs isn’t sitting well with me.

Also, he said well if I repaired ‘our’ car it would have taken a big chunk of my money.

Tbh maybe time for a conversation about how he views the marriage, he sounds resentful

OP, if you have to ask it isn't right. He sounds horrid and he shouldn't make you feel rotten for being clinically unwell under which definition falls MH problems.

Wpuld your parents take you in while you sort things out?

It is normal for people to split finances 50/50. Just as it is normal for some to share everything regardless of earnings.

I don't think money is the issue here. The issue is that he doesn't understand your health issues and doesn't seem to support them or the implications of them. Why does he think you can "just work full time?”