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Original poster

Financial Abuse? Im not sure! Help!

111 replies

LittleElf85 · 07/09/2020 14:19

Hi all

I am new here and someone has advised me to come and discuss this here.

I have a mental health issue so I work part time. I struggle to do anymore. My husband works full time.

We have a daughter at home but she is biologically mine not my husbands.

He earns double what I earn but we split everything 50/50, rent, bills etc.

His response to that is, well go to work full time then, its not my fault you work part time. He doesn’t think its fair for him to go to work full time and me part time and share money.

I pay for my daughter. Say we go on holiday then he will pay most of it but I have to contribute say £500.00.

With regards to bills, car etc, we pay half of everything and what he has left is his, and what I have left is mine.

It seems some of our friends have separate finances too but my parents think it’s absolutely crazy.

He said its not his fault he works full time and me part time and to work full time then. That’s his answer.
I have just checked his bank account out of curiosity. I have all the internet bank logins.

I cannot believe what I have seen.

The car is in for repair which is going to take half my savings and my Mum and Dad are funding some of it to help because he said he couldn’t afford it all on his own.

I had 0.40p in my bank account the other day. It was my mums birthday and my mum and dad paid for a meal for us all.

Put it this way. Im on the bones of my bottom and he has plenty.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleElf85 · 07/09/2020 22:09

Yes course my parents would take us in. Its just uprooting my daughter. She has just started secondary school this week.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleElf85 · 07/09/2020 22:10

Im not sure what he could be resentful at.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleElf85 · 07/09/2020 22:13

Money is some of the issues because, he is left with a comfortable amount each month after we split everything 50/50 and I am not.

He thinks regardless of my mental health I should just go and get full time work and earn a full time wage.

He said once that if I was earning a full time wage, then we would put our money together.

OP posts:
Love51 · 07/09/2020 22:38

@LittleElf85

Money is some of the issues because, he is left with a comfortable amount each month after we split everything 50/50 and I am not.

He thinks regardless of my mental health I should just go and get full time work and earn a full time wage.

He said once that if I was earning a full time wage, then we would put our money together.

The last sentence above indicates his thoughts. If it benefitted HIM he would share with you; as it doesn't (financially - obviously there are other benefits from sharing) he won't.

You seem keen to know if this counts as abuse. I think it does, but I also think it doesn't matter if it is abusive. If it doesn't work for you, don't do it. There are lots of stages in a relationship - no one expects a boyfriend or girlfriend of 3 dates to combine finances. The 'tipping point' when you go all in can vary between different people. But you referred to him as husband, which to me means 100% all in, including taking responsibility for each others' kids. On the stepparent threads it seems that others feel differently. It doesn't make any if us abusive, it does indicate that we perhaps shouldn't marry each other.

It doesn't have to be abuse for you to decide he is selfish and not honouring his vows (All that I am I give to you, all that I have I share with you).

Finals1234 · 07/09/2020 22:44

If you did work full-time (and I am not saying that you should), he will find another reason not to share finances - eg you don't earn the same amount as him and so it's not fair to share all the money. He is financially abusive. You should not have to ask for money you should have access to it as its needed.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 07/09/2020 22:46

I’m wary of the word abusive, I think it’s callous and not what I would want in a partner

Icanflyhigh · 07/09/2020 23:01

This makes me so sad.
Yes it is financially abusive and it reminds me of my EX husband watching me ferret around the house looking for enough change to buy a pint of milk for the DCs breakfast - knowing all the time he had over £1500 in used notes in his coat pocket. His rainy day fund.
Absolute bastard. He's an EX for that reason. Wanted everything I earned and wasn't willing to share anything he earned.

Please leave him, you will be much better off x

Viviennemary · 07/09/2020 23:05

This set up is no good. You need to leave. He sounds horrible. He does sound very resentful that you work part-time and he works full-time.

RandomMess · 07/09/2020 23:06

It's financial abuse Sad

Do you share the housework, chores and mental load 50:50?

Suzi888 · 08/09/2020 06:29

Could you claim PIP for your disability?
Splitting finances, even if it does seem unfair happens in a few partnerships and marriages. I know 3 work colleagues all of whom split 50/50 even though the men earn more (yes they tell their other halves to work more too) The issue is the lying for me and lack of support regarding your health.

But there are lots of other issues here, do you get help for your mental disabilities? Have you spoken to your G.P?
You can’t stay with someone just because you think you won’t get anyone else! What kind of life is that? He probably knows you feel this way, so he’s got you right where he wants you.
Like another poster says, he’s happy to share with you financially if it benefits him. That’s not a marriage, that an arrangement.
Is he just financially mean? How is he in another areas?

Original poster
LittleElf85 · 08/09/2020 07:19

Im not sure I claim benefits for my disability I have never looked into PIP.

Yes I have spoken to my GP and I am having psychology at the moment also which I have waited two years for.

Yes he would be happy to share finances it seems if I made as much money or worked full time but I dont.

It seems he is financially mean. I think its a couple of things for me, the first being getting separate food shopping when I complained the day before of being skint.
Second my parents paying for a meal and third being quite happy for my parents to loan us the money for car repairs when he has a bit in the bank.

He said he should not be penalised for working full time or for saving up.

I am not sure its financial abuse, but it is selfish and he is financially very mean.

He is okay to pay for clothes for himself and for golf.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleElf85 · 08/09/2020 07:22

In other areas it can be draining sometimes. He does do washing, washing up and will clean etc but he moans.......at everything.

He will complain things are not right in the house or for example I was on my laptop the other day and because it was out on the dining table he claimed the house looked a mess because I had my laptop out.
When I said I cleaned up the other day, he checked under the table

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 08/09/2020 07:46

I’m glad you are getting help for your mental issues and hope that brings you some strength and relief. I’d definitely look into PIP, you could try contacting CAB and see if they can advise if you would qualify or not. I also wouldn’t tell him if you do get it!

He sounds selfish and controlling with very few redeeming qualities... separate food shops is just ridiculous!

Does he do anything for you and your daughter? Is he loving? Cuddles? Do you do activities together?
Why are you with him? Do you love him or is he a crutch?

RandomMess · 08/09/2020 07:48

He doesn't value you does he?

You are contributing in other non-financial ways by doing the larger share around the house...

He is leaving you without the financial means to feed yourself, that is no partnership and abuse!!! When you marry in church you promise to "SHARE all your worldly goods"...

He is punishing you for your ill health, using the fact you are UNABLE to earn the same as him to financially abuse you.

You will be happier ending this farce of marriage.

LilyLongJohn · 08/09/2020 07:51

What exactly do you get out of this relationship op. He sounds at best, selfish and self centred, at worst he's abusive.

You'd probably find you'd be better off in your own, claim benefits and you'd not have to pay for half of his stuff.

SmileyClare · 08/09/2020 07:53

He moans at..everything

I think financial abuse often goes hand in hand with poor treatment of you generally. Making you feel bad, belittling you, disregarding your opinion, continuous criticism, acting superior to you, putting you down are signs of emotional abuse.

Think carefully about whether this is a happy equal partnership.

In a marriage, there should be a fair division of labour, which there is here. You are clearly doing more with your child and most of the household "work" as well as working part time. You also have an illness which he is disregarding. You should not feel guilty for being ill or feel a sense of obligation because he "puts up with you". That's really sad to read.

Shouldbedoing · 08/09/2020 07:54

If you eere living as a single mother with your child you would be eligible for in work benefits. Because you are man and wife, you are legally a household and your income is taken to.be a combined household income. He was supposed to step.up.and fill the gap.when.you became a family/household. He is financially abusive. He has cost you money and he won't share his money

Escapedtothecountry · 08/09/2020 07:55

I think your situation is unfair and needs some renegotiation but you are not being financially abused. You have your own bank account with access to your money.

Trisolaris · 08/09/2020 07:59

It sounds like that either he doesn’t believe in your mental health condition or that it is bad enough that you shouldn’t work full time.

Either that or he doesn’t think that partners should support each other through periods of illness in which case I don’t get why he married you?

dontdisturbmenow · 08/09/2020 08:03

TBH, it really depends on your MH condition. If it's anxiety that is not so bad that it means you can't leave the house at all, I do see his point. Working PT once kids are at school is a luxury and I can understand he would be resentful of supporting you and your DD to enjoy that luxury.

If however your MH is severely debilitating, affects you in most settings, he knew about it before you met and knew it was the reason you worked PT, then he is being unreasonable.

He seems to think you could work ft, you don't, this where the issue lies.

Shouldbedoing · 08/09/2020 08:22

No. The issue is that he can have a couple of grand in his bank, she has 40p and he us ok with taking money from her parents so he gets to keep his

HaggyMaggie · 08/09/2020 08:23

Omg, you would be better off alone and topped up with benefits.

SmileyClare · 08/09/2020 08:33

I can understand he would be resentful of supporting you and your dd in that luxury

Eh? What luxury? What support? Op pays to support herself and has to pay everything in regards to her dd. See in Op "I pay for my daughter".

All the husband does is pay his half of the rent and bills and buys his own food, pays for himself to go on golf jollies and other luxuries. This is a set up of a lodger. Apart from the fact that I guarantee Op does all his washing, cooking and housework.

He is not supporting you financially or emotionally. He sounds cold.

Original poster
LittleElf85 · 08/09/2020 09:46

My mental health is debilitating. I only work part time as some days I struggle to even function, also trying to paint a smile on my face to even appear ‘normal’ for my daughter.

I am under the mental health team and am having psychology.

I never used to have this condition, it was due to a trauma were I nearly died, this happened whilst we were together so he knows how I have suffered the last 8 years.

It just seems he is very money orientated and likes to have his money and keep it. Im not saying I want the money, I think its the fact he was quite happy to let me borrow from my parents for “our” car when he had that amount in the bank. Also regarding the takeout that we had, am I paying for this? When I had paid for the dog and the window cleaner.

I didn’t know he had that in the bank.

I just think he would be willing to share money if I earned similar or the same money as him, but until then he isn’t.

He said if he paid for the car instead of borrowing from my parents, it would take a big chunk of his money!

Talking about going on holiday next year, he asked me to save around £500 and he would pay the rest. When I said Im not sure if I can save that much, he said well I will just go anyway.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/09/2020 09:53

He's utterly selfish and does not see you as equal.

I would put £x in the joint account and say that is all you have and not pay out for anything else tbh. If he doesn't like it he can leave Angry