Financial Abuse? Im not sure! Help!

[LittleElf85]

Hi all

I am new here and someone has advised me to come and discuss this here.

I have a mental health issue so I work part time. I struggle to do anymore. My husband works full time.

We have a daughter at home but she is biologically mine not my husbands.

He earns double what I earn but we split everything 50/50, rent, bills etc.

His response to that is, well go to work full time then, its not my fault you work part time. He doesn’t think its fair for him to go to work full time and me part time and share money.

I pay for my daughter. Say we go on holiday then he will pay most of it but I have to contribute say £500.00.

With regards to bills, car etc, we pay half of everything and what he has left is his, and what I have left is mine.

It seems some of our friends have separate finances too but my parents think it’s absolutely crazy.

He said its not his fault he works full time and me part time and to work full time then. That’s his answer.
I have just checked his bank account out of curiosity. I have all the internet bank logins.

I cannot believe what I have seen.

The car is in for repair which is going to take half my savings and my Mum and Dad are funding some of it to help because he said he couldn’t afford it all on his own.

I had 0.40p in my bank account the other day. It was my mums birthday and my mum and dad paid for a meal for us all.

Put it this way. Im on the bones of my bottom and he has plenty.

Him giving your daughter £50 for her birthday does not make up for what sounds like years of consistently neglecting your needs and wellbeing.

HI OP, I've just picked a few things and I'm going to ask you a question at the end of each one.

I always feel like I am a burden because I have a mental health issue.

Do you think he makes sure you know you are a burden to him?

That I should be grateful he has stayed with me through it all. It isn’t easy, especially when I try and be ‘normal’ for my little girl.

How does he make sure you know to feel grateful he is with you?

Who else would want me and take on someone who had a life changing trauma who struggles to function sometimes.

Does wearing down your self esteem benefit him by keeping you under his control?

We have been married for 5 years and it has just always been like this because when we did pool our money together (once) he was ringing me saying when have you spent £15.00 on shoes (my daughters school shoes.

Did you learn that lesson quickly, that to be equals would result in punishment and harassment?

We have just had a big argument.

Did he prefer you to keep quiet and do what you're told?

He said I should have just asked him for some money.

Are you used to him making it your fault?

He is okay to pay for clothes for himself and for golf.

It is always golf.

He does do washing, washing up and will clean etc but he moans.......at everything.

Does me make sure you know you should be grateful for his help? Does he whine enough that next time you do it yourself to avoid inconveniencing him?

Talking about going on holiday next year, he asked me to save around £500 and he would pay the rest. When I said Im not sure if I can save that much, he said well I will just go anyway.

Did he ask you, or tell you? Did he make you feel like a failure? Did he keep you in your place?

OP - Read all the bold bits again and ask yourself, "Would my mental health be better without someone manipulating me and destroying my self worth every day?"

It serves his purpose to keep you poor, keep you mentally unwell, and keep you in his control.

You sound as if you know this already, but you are worth more than this.

Just leave him. Totally not normal. My dh pays all the bills including fully supporting my two kids at uni who aren’t even his. Yes he is able to but that’s not the point.. he’s just a kind person and you too are with so much more than how he treats you.

First of all - nobody wants to believe their spouse has been / is abusive. It's a shock, & is frequently 'explained away' by the victim initially (denial, explaining, excusing, 'yes but he still does this', etc etc). OP, your reply messages contain these sort of statements.

When you talk/type/think about these 'explanations', pay attention to how you feel. An uneasy, insecure, reaching, desperate & sinking feeling isn't a good sign - if that's the case, there's a good chance you're unconsciously ignoring something about the situation which you'd rather not admit.

Secondly, though it's true that some people view relationships as transactional & others on a 'needs' basis, your situation does bear the hallmarks of financial abuse. Being asked to account for money you spent - or being expected to ask for money in the first place, skews the dynamic between you both. A husband & wife should be fairly equal partners, however, insisting that you need to ask, or account for money from him ensures that the power lies with him, changing the relationship dynamic to one more reminiscent of a 'parent & child' relationship.

As per the image (as long as it's uploaded correctly?!) - & if you don't already know - learn about the difference between Equity & Equality.

2 Final Points:

In considering any event, exchange, interaction with your husband (or anybody else, actually); Ask:

• Is this interaction Loving?
• Is this interaction Respectful?

And lastly.......do you consider that this man is a good role model for your daughter? He'll have significant influence in her life (positively or negatively) by just living in the same house, even if he has little to do with her.
(and remember consider ALL areas of life - a few good traits or characteristics don't make up for the bad ones, either).

The way you allow other people to treat you, matters - and whatever things look like from where you are now, you don't have to settle for somebody who views you & your offspring as a burden.

Good luck with whatever you decide, OP.

Also - Frequently feeling confused about relationship-related issues is never a good sign.

The fact that you are confused enough to even ask the question here suggests that you already know something's not right.

We’ve spoken.

He said he wants his wife back and to be happy.
He didn't realise how much this was impacting me and how unhappy I was.

He was putting the money aside to save.

He thought I had more money than I do. Lack of communication comes to mind.

He said he wants to pool all our money together but after last time, we will keep our own separate accounts and have ‘fun money’ each month.

Anything for my daughter will come out of the joint account.

If nothing had changed after this conversation I would have ended the marriage.

Thanks everyone for the help and advice.

I hope he comes through for you.

Can I suggest that you both work through a budget together? It sound like money is generally a bit tight despite his savings...

Food prices have rocketed, how much is he spending on golf are you really going to be given as much spends as him?

He probably doesn't appreciate how much more expensive children get as they reach pre teens.

Yes thanks for the suggestion. I think if this doesn’t work were it is seen as our money and we combine finances, we will separate.

He has text me saying I love you and I just want my wife back and to be happy.

I am going to do a budget. He pays his golf monthly I think.

Is it fair to suggest he does get a little more spends than me each month? He earns double what I earn, or should it be kept completely equal?

No equal with an agreement of what is personal spends and what isn't...

Such as phones, work lunches etc etc

So for him it's golf, going out with friends etc

What will yours be?

Oh gosh.

Well I do go out for food with friends.
I dont have a hobby like golf or anything though.

There's a crap joke
"I've been at work all day. Why, when I come home to the house I pay for, is it still a mess?"
"You've been at work all day, Why aren't we rich?"
Except in your situation there is no 'we'.
You're married so what 'future' is he saving up for? Its not 'our' savings it's his, that he kept quiet about why did he want to be married but not sharing a life and future plans with you? That would be a big deal for me

When I said I cleaned up the other day, he checked under the table I'm surprised more people didn't pick up on this, you're not his staff so he has no need to appraise your unpaid housekeeping. If he wants to 'check' that housework is being done he obviously cares enough that he should be doing it all himself or paying someone to.

I would also have taken umbrage at being told MY laptop being used in the house I live in is 'messy' . Mr Man is criticising you for the sake of reminding you that only he matters. I honestly think you've missed other things going on that may indicate a shift in the relationship has taken place, it could be that you are only now seeing that your normal is not fair.

He doesn't have to bear your MH 'burden' or the financial differences, he is choosing to stay in the relationship because it works for him. At your expense.

No end it, he's awful!!!

Well see how it goes. Your latest update is a real turn around. You started this thread on the bones of your arse, barely able to afford anything, begging your parents for help and asking your mum to pay for her own birthday meal.

Now you're pondering how to spend excess fun money! I hope it works out and you don't have to justify every penny you do spend. Hopefully he stops food shopping just for himself and moaning all the time as well

I hope you can access the mental health treatment you need too. It's awful that you've waited nearly 2 years for help to become available. MH services are woefully underfunded on the NHS. Look after yourself

I have to give my marriage a chance dont I?

Do I not lay all my cards on the table and say this is how it needs to change or I am going?

We have been together a long time.

Obviously if nothing changes I will leave but feel like I shouldn’t throw in the towel at the first hurdle.

Surely all marriages have problems and things they need to work out.

Think you should have a chat with him. Does he realise you are struggling while he has a nice little pot of money? In my relationship we both pay some bills each roughly the same.OH earned more when we first moved in together so paid a bit more just but now I might put more into our savings than he would. It seems petty to make you pay for stuff though if you can’t afford to while he has plenty.

It sounds like a positive development, but i can't help but be a bit sceptical. If you read the relationships board on here you will see this a lot - men who treat their partners badly always suddenly see the light and decide to change when the partner threatens to leave. Unfortunately they almost always go back to their old habits once the partner has agreed to stay.

I'm not saying he can't change, but someone who has a habit of being very selfish with his money will not just change overnight.

Please keep discussion going, it's really not fair of him to keep throwing FT work in your face, it's not your fault that you haven't recovered, he's meant to be on your side, address that with him while you've got his ear.

I had a close call myself nearly 3 years ago (sepsis) I'm not fully 'back to normal', now don't get me wrong but a sarky comment once in a while when tensions are high is forgiveable. But I would be genuinely hurt by a partner or anyone minimising what was a really shitty life changing experience as a way to accuse me of malingering. That would hurt like Billy-O.

If he is clumsily insensitive, spell it out to him.

Im sorry to hear about your close call with Sepsis.
I work in the NHS and see how awful sepsis can be. I lost my Nan to it in 2018.

Whoever said I was ‘begging’ from my parents this wasn’t the case at all. They didnt want to see me struggle so offered to help, I never went begging.

Little did I know it wasn’t us struggling but just me.

We are having a talk tonight so will see how that goes. I do find it hard with my mental health condition. I really would love nothing more than just to wake up and be what I used to be like.

But I am seeking help for it and trying to overcome it.

His words sounds lovely; & if they turn out to be true; that's great.

Just make sure you bookmark this thread, so you can see what was said by him today.

Check back in a month's time - how much has been done? and how much is he still telling you will be done 'one day?!

You're right that you need to give your marriage 'a chance'. But you don't need to give endless chances to someone who consistently promises change, but doesn't manifest it. Or tells you 'Look how much I've changed!'.....but you don't feel it / see it.

Words can manipulate & take advantage.
Judge your Husband on his ACTIONS, not his words.

This is why it needs to be equal spending money...

Equal respect...

Does he have a really nice phone whilst you have a basic one etc,

He seems to treat you as lesser and a subordinate and that is what needs to change, all money equal.

Love51 Yup.... a case of what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine. If it’s debt it’s yours if it’s profit it’s mine

“He said he wants to pool all our money together but after last time, we will keep our own separate accounts and have ‘fun money’ each month.

Anything for my daughter will come out of the joint account. “
I don’t understand what this means in practicality ???

@Canyouseewhyichangedmynamw

“He said he wants to pool all our money together but after last time, we will keep our own separate accounts and have ‘fun money’ each month.

Anything for my daughter will come out of the joint account. “
I don’t understand what this means in practicality ???

What do you mean?

We will try a joint account together. Anything for my daughter will come out of this?

Money will be transferred into our current accounts. A bit of our own personal spends will go into our own personal accounts.

Have you discussed what personal spends does/doesn't include?

It would be a good idea to run a spreadsheet where you both update it with what has been spent from the joint account -

Food shop
School shoes
School lunch
My phone
His phone
DD phone
Savings account
Christmas present for X

And so on...

If he spends £150 on golf plus other money you do need the same, even if you don't spend it - needs to be equal in principle.