Financial Abuse? Im not sure! Help!

[LittleElf85]

Hi all

I am new here and someone has advised me to come and discuss this here.

I have a mental health issue so I work part time. I struggle to do anymore. My husband works full time.

We have a daughter at home but she is biologically mine not my husbands.

He earns double what I earn but we split everything 50/50, rent, bills etc.

His response to that is, well go to work full time then, its not my fault you work part time. He doesn’t think its fair for him to go to work full time and me part time and share money.

I pay for my daughter. Say we go on holiday then he will pay most of it but I have to contribute say £500.00.

With regards to bills, car etc, we pay half of everything and what he has left is his, and what I have left is mine.

It seems some of our friends have separate finances too but my parents think it’s absolutely crazy.

He said its not his fault he works full time and me part time and to work full time then. That’s his answer.
I have just checked his bank account out of curiosity. I have all the internet bank logins.

I cannot believe what I have seen.

The car is in for repair which is going to take half my savings and my Mum and Dad are funding some of it to help because he said he couldn’t afford it all on his own.

I had 0.40p in my bank account the other day. It was my mums birthday and my mum and dad paid for a meal for us all.

Put it this way. Im on the bones of my bottom and he has plenty.

He sounds absolutely awful.

He keeps telling you to "just work full time" so either doesn't believe in your mental health conditions or doesn't care about you. Either way I wouldn't want to be married to him.

I had to have a month off unpaid for mental health reasons about a year into our relationship and DP paid for everything that month without even questioning it - he just wanted me to have the space to get better. There are men out there who will treat you kindly and with love OP. Please leave this horrid man and, when you're ready, go and find one of them.

It’s not normal or abnormal- different couples have different arrangements for finances. Also I wouldn’t go so far as to say it was abusive on the info we have. You do clearly have different ideas about finances tho and it doesn’t sound like a happy relationship. He clearly doesn’t think your mh issues are serious and feels you are not pulling your weight financially. If you can’t resolve that then I think you should call it a day.

He wouldn't be willing to share money if you earned more. He'd expect you to pay for yourself. Nothing would change.

I'm sorry to say he sounds like a selfish arse.

As mentioned above, if you were single and had to support yourself and dd on a low income, you'd be helped by the state. You'd receive monthly working tax credits into your account, you'd be exempt from NHS charges (dental treatment, prescriptions etc) and probably free school dinners for your child.

The reason you're not receiving any of that support is because your husband is earning a decent wage and it goes without saying that this is family money, to support all of you.

A man that's mean with money is usually mean in other ways too; not generous with time or affection, self serving and fairly callous and unkind in all areas.

Mental health issues aside It's not financial abuse. Sounds like he resents you for not working full time and therefore begrudges topping up your money with his. But you really should have had this discussion before you married/moved in together? Does your daughters father pay towards her?

I do agree in the principle though that if it's your choice to work part time (putting medical issues aside) when your child is at secondary school then you can't automatically expect that a partner splits their money with you?

I earn a lot more than DH - We split bills 50/50 except for childcare and big things like repairs and holidays which I pay. I have more spending money than him because I worked bloody hard for my career and the benefits that came with it. DH didn't. But he has sufficient spending money from his salary to see him comfortable in the month ie it's pure "me" money as all food etc is paid from the joint account

Your DH does sound tight though if he is happy for your parents to pay for Repairs on a joint car or not chip in for a meal out. But you should have put your big girl pants on and told him what was expected - ie half the cost of the car etc - he's getting away with it because you LET him

OP I also had mental health problems and I only worked part time to support my DD. When I married my DH all he wanted was for me and my DD to be happy and well. We've been together now for 25 years and he's always paid for everything and I was able to stop working and concentrate on getting well and looking after my DD. He thinks he's won the lottery of life if he gets home from work and his dinner is ready. Partly because he's easily pleased but mostly because he knows it means his wife has had a good day. He would feel so ashamed if I was suffering and going without. Same with my DD and she's now grown with a home of her own.

It should be pro-rata. If you earn half what he earns, then he should pay 50 percent more? Not splitting 50/50?!! If you’re not happy, would you consider divorce??? If he’s earning well, you might be better off getting maintenance etc. If you have access to bank accounts and payslips etc you could take pictures etc in case he tries to hide money if you leave him.

Absolutely not normal. DH and I first got together when it was just us and DSS and we shared everything equally by putting it all into one joint account, regardless of who paid for what. I cannot imagine a situation where DH would suggest I should be poor whilst he had plenty of money regardless of who's earning it. That isn't how a partnership works.

My fathers daughter does give me maintenance but it i not consistent. For example he will give me
say £100.00 but then nothing for a couple of months. He works cash in hand so its as and when he has money.

I dont know what I am going to do now, he wont split the bills pro rata. He wont pay a higher percentage because he earns more. He thinks he works his butt off all week so why should he share his money.

He contributes half towards the bills and that’s his payments.

He also said he doesn’t work hard all year to not go on holiday either.

Not sure what to do here. Some say its not normal, some say people do split 50/50 regardless of earnings.

One thing I do know though is that we are not a team.

I worked ft, DH worked PT.
We paid into the joint account proportionately so we both left with the same amount in our own accounts. Your DH is a cunt.

I’m an example of the higher earning partner, with a part time working husband, who doesn’t split things 50:50. I work longer and harder than him, and I absolutely see my money as mine - something which many here wouldn’t agree with. He actually ends up with a little more than me because I don’t ask for anything towards my house - we informally split the shopping, but only based on who picked it up - but that’s it. Also because I have costs for my children, and because I pay into my pension.

I personally think it makes a difference that it’s a second marriage.

Here’s a massive fucking difference... no way in hell would my husband have waited 2 years on the NHS for therapy when I had savings. I’d have paid for private therapy in a heartbeat. Because I love him.

No you aren't a team.

Costs have gone up and up so presumably you have far less left over from your salary than they used to.

I can't imagine treating someone I love like he does.

So is there just one "family" car, do you use it? Do you need to use it?

Short term I would try and not have a "family" car. He can have a car that he runs and uses if there is anyway you can manage without??

If you leave him he'll need to pay 100% of his costs. Food. Utilities. Housing. Council tax. Any bill that you share with him just now he'll have to pick up the whole amount if you leave. Some costs will be less...but not 50% less.

You earn less. You pay half. YOU ARE SUBSIDISING HIM!

If you already pay 50:50 the only thing that will change with you earning more is that you'll have more disposable income. Or does he want you to pay more than 50%?

ivfbeenbusy - you can't put OP's mental health issues aside and say she is choosing to work PT. She has explained that she can't work any more than that because of her MH.

OP, your partner sounds deeply selfish. He should be putting your wellbeing first, not his bank balance.

I agree, he's being deeply selfish.

Regardless of who is the higher earner in a family, any money should be used for the needs of the family. You have to struggle along, hardly affording to clothe and feed yourself and your dd or buy a birthday present for your mother while he buys nice clothes for himself and splashes out on golf weekends and takeaways? And buys a food shop for himself?!

He has lied about his money too, claiming he couldn't afford car repairs and making your parents pay whilst having thousands in the bank.
What an arsehole. He might have other money squirreled away. Working fulltime and only paying for himself plus half rent and bills would equate to a lot of disposable income. You could probably do a rough calculation based on what he earns?

God forbid you find yourself in a situation where you cannot work- through ill health or redundancy.

He married you and your daughter became part of his family. How awful that he made such a fuss about paying £15 for her school shoes and vowed never again would he let you use his card.

The way he's treating you regarding finances rarely happens in isolation. What I mean is, I imagine he disregards you in other ways too.
It sounds as though your friends and family are shocked by his treatment of you too. I agree with your parents on this.

It is financial abuse. You may very well find that your mental health would improve more easily without him there making you feel guilty about it. This doesn't sound like a supportive or loving marriage at all. He sounds selfish and cold.

I do agree in the principle though that if it's your choice to work part time (putting medical issues aside) when your child is at secondary school then you can't automatically expect that a partner splits their money with you?

What a pointless remark. Why would you 'put medical issues aside'?

Escapedtothecountry
I think your situation is unfair and needs some renegotiation but you are not being financially abused. You have your own bank account with access to your money.

Thats not what financial abuse is, you can have your own bank account with access and still be financially abused. Don't make such blanket statements unless you are sure as you are telling people on the Internet that they aren't being abused when they could well be. That could stop them seeking help.

Her H is insisting that she hands over so much of her income that she has insufficient whilst he can afford luxuries and has savings - that is abusive.

Just reading back through OP's posts - he sounds quite emotionally abusive as well as financially.

Doing a food shop just for himself, when he knows you also need food and have no money?! It's just unfathomably cruel.

Ivfbeenbusy has just demonstrated why mental health care in this country is so poor. People with cancer ( for Instance) do not face the same barriers as someone with mental health problems. It is just not taken as seriously.

It is not seen as an illness and should be just put aside.

Op he is financially abusive, mean and callous. I would have left for how he views my child anyway, as he has been with you for a long time it seems since your daughter was small and he feels nothing for her or for you.

You are someone who makes his life easier and probably give him sex and thats it for him. Why does he need to pay more as he has been getting you to pay 50% of his costs for years. Just leave, have 100% of your own costs and claim benefits.

Pip for mental health is very hard to get, I jump through hoops for my autistic daughter so I have no strength to bother to apply for my own mental health difficulties, I would rather go without then have to go through the process twice but If you can do it, op please apply for pip.

Seriously put in a plan to leave him, he sounds emotionally abusive also. But bottom line is he doesn't love you or even like you. A person who loves or likes their partner does not treat them like he treats you. He has shown you who he is, please believe him.

Seriously make a plan to leave him, that should say.

I just heard him tell my daughter that he will give her £50.00 for her birthday which is in 3 weeks.

I suppose that’s his way of trying to make amends 😢

It's pathetic, my DH treats my eldest as his own because we came as a package.

£50 as a birthday gift for a 10/12 year old isn't really that much from someone that is in effect her parent and has been for 8 years!

If you leave you will likely be better off financially, he will be worse off. What does that tell you?

OMG, he sounds awful! Separate food shopping? You're married. Get evidence of how much he has and divorce him, you'll be financially and mentally better off. You sound amazing, it's tough having a mental health condition, working and looking after your daughter. Your husband seems to offer little or no support of any kind. Please leave him and make a better life. Think of the effect on your daughter of his selfish and unfair attitude. It's difficult to say if it's abusive without more details but it's certainly not loving and supportive.