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Original poster

How do you and Dh Split expenses

154 replies

Noklarawr · 06/10/2019 14:59

I earn around £700 a month, DH earns around £1100. Personally I think my dh should pay more of the household bills but he is very firm on us both paying half, so half the rent, utilities, food costs etc. We also have a baby whom up until now I've bought more or less all of his clothes, books, toys etc. I've read that some people put all their earnings in to a joint account, pay the bills from that and then split the leftover each month, that would be amazing! I know that would never happen with my dh but what I've suggested is that on our rent bill for example which is £565 total, I pay £235 and dh pays £330, so 1/3 of my wages goes towards rent and just under 1/3 of his does too, same would go for other household bills. This would leave me next to nothing for personal expenses and a fair chunk of dh income would be left over for him to use as he pleases but he shot this idea down straight away. Am I being unreasonable to think he should contribute more as he earns more? I mean, I may not work as many hours as dh but I spend a lot more of my time looking after our child, that counts as work too in my mind.

OP posts:
MonChatEstMagnifique · 06/10/2019 20:18

He's being very, very selfish. I really couldn't live with someone like that, I definitely would not have any more children with him. Honestly, he'd have to change drastically as I would leave him.

We've always just put all money together, paid everything and then both spent what we wanted. I gave up work when we had kids, I still just spent what I wanted. Me being at home with the kids made everyone's life easier. Now the kids are older, I work part time, I earn less, money is put together and we both just spend what we like. Both of us are sensible with money, sometimes one will spend a lot more than the other one depending on what we need or want.

Original poster
Noklarawr · 06/10/2019 20:20

Ive asked dh to leave for the night, we argued and he wouldn't accept what I was saying at all, he's only just left but I feel so bad for my ds, he loves his daddy

OP posts:
ABCDE12344 · 06/10/2019 20:20

I earn 4x what DH earns. I pay 75% he pays 25%

Big purchases are discussed and if he wants more money for a lads holiday or whatever I usually give him some money towards it.

RandomMess · 06/10/2019 20:21

DS will love his Daddy whether you stay together or not.

Thanks
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/10/2019 20:22

Why not show him this thread?

Runningsmooth · 06/10/2019 20:26

We have one bank account. All direct debits come out of it and we each take whatever cash we need from it. We don't have separate spending money but we each know what we can afford and what we can't so it has never been a problem.

ineedaholidaynow · 06/10/2019 20:30

DON'T SHOW HIM THIS THREAD!

If he was a reasonable man but slightly misguided with finances it would be fine to show him this thread, but he sounds controlling not reasonable.

Normandy144 · 06/10/2019 20:31

We earn roughly the same but have always paid everything into one account and all the outgoing payments come ouy of it. There was a period of time earlier on in our relationship when i was unable to work and it started then.
Even in a previous relationship, we had a joint account and paid a relative % share of our monthly salary into the account. All the bills came out of it and we had our own account for fun money.

timshelthechoice · 06/10/2019 20:35

Another mug having kids with a selfish man child while he does what he wants and she suffers the financial abuse. Grow a backbone woman or leave this selfish prick.

100% spot on. I would never have even dated such a self-absorbed, selfish cunt, much less married him or procreated with him but if I had suffered a total personality transplant and found myself in your shoes this person would no longer be my spouse.

There is nothing great or lovely about this man and he's a POS excuse for a father who begrudges his own child a fucking coat and hat!

Fuck sitting him down or showing him this thread because you have already had this discussion over and over and over again and he 'sticks to his guns'.

YOu are subsidising this twat. Your mother is, too.

FUCK compromising your earning any more. He's financially abusive.

Go move in with your mother, leave him, get a FT job, apply for UC to help with childcare costs.

This is no way to live.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 06/10/2019 20:38

I'm really sorry he reacted like that OP, but well done you for standing your ground.

Your DS might love his daddy, but his daddy doesn't love him enough to pay for a single toy or present or half of his winter coat. Think about that.

timshelthechoice · 06/10/2019 20:39

He will love his daddy no matter what. People whose parents beat them and sexually abuse them still love them so that's no excuse to stay with this rotten man. He will NEVER change. EVER. He refuses to even buy his child a coat for Winter because he, the Mighty Peen, was not consulted first. Think about that long and hard. Really let that sink in. This man has never so much as made up a feed for his own child much less put clothes on his back or a book for bedtime.

He's a dick.

He will add nothing to your lives. Your son is a baby, he'll get over not having this selfish POS in his life, like he is anyhow, going away all the time, farting around with gigs like a teenager.

sallievp · 06/10/2019 20:44

''You shouldnt penalize him"...."you shouldn't penalize him" sorry I had to repeat that...you are his WIFE!!! And the mother of his child and that's how he thinks!!!???
Absolutely selfish and tight. I am a very understanding person but would not put up with that.
He's shown you exactly what he thinks you are worth.
You sounds lovely and deserve better!

TheSmallAssassin · 06/10/2019 20:45

I am glad that you have asked him to leave for the night - this is honestly not how marriage is meant to be. You deserve so much better!

When I went on maternity leave, my salary effectively dropped down to 50%, so my partner took on two thirds of the bills. We both worked part time, so shared childcare when I went back - if you are earning less because you are looking after your child then he needs to be paying more in because he isn't sacrificing any of his salary to let him do his share of looking after the child you are both responsible for. If you need the opportunity to take on more shifts so that you have enough money then he will need to give up his hobby.

His actions aren't those of a man that loves and cares for you. You would be better off without him and your son would be better off without a father who begrudges him a warm coat!

Nat6999 · 06/10/2019 20:46

Do you qualify for any tax credits or child benefit? These should be paid to you to top up anything you earn.

Nat6999 · 06/10/2019 20:51

If he is going to be tight with money, bill him for 50% of everything you do at home charged at rates outsiders would charge, childcare, cleaning, also show him how much of his salary would be paid in maintenance if you split up. Looking at how much you earn, you may actually be better off financially if you were a single parent.

Original poster
Noklarawr · 06/10/2019 20:51

I get child benefit, that was included in my £700, we don't get child tax credit or anything, my husband is here on a visa from Canada which states "no public funds"

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 06/10/2019 20:52

He is financially bankrupting you. You can’t afford 50/50. Him arguing with you over it to the point you have to ask him to leave, combined with his ridiculous two week band breaks, exposes him as an immature man.

Hopefully in his time away he will think about what his responsibilities are as a father and husband. He needs to realise he can’t expect you to pay 50% of bills and rent.

It feels like this is a way to stop you ever doing anything for yourself.

AgeLikeWine · 06/10/2019 20:55

We have completely separate finances, which works for us because we are child-free. We each have our own current account, into which our salaries are paid. DP earns significantly more money than me, but not a multiple of my salary. We are both higher-rate taxpayers. We also have a joint account into which we both pay £X00 each month. The mortgage and all household bills are paid out of this account. We take turns to do the grocery shopping.

The remainder of each partner’s salary is their own to spend, save or invest as they see fit. This arrangement works well for us both. We have never had an argument about money in 20+ years.

gospelsinger · 06/10/2019 21:01

I don't understand why he can't see that the current system you have is unfair. Why should an equal partnership have one person with less funds available than the other?
Our situation is that we have joint account and all gets paid from there. All our personal spends come from there too, but that only works because we have a fairly similar attitude to money and neither spends very much.

CapturedFairy · 06/10/2019 21:05

I always thought Canadians were meant to be lovely Wink

Dh earns everything and I earn nothing. Guess how much I contribute? We have been married for 20 years and I never earned anywhere near what Dh did. I was working after my degree when I met him, he was still a student.

We have 2 sons, 16 and 13 and I have been a SAHM for 15 years. I have access to the joint account and a credit card that is paid in full by Dh every month. We talk about big purchases but the little stuff - he just buys what he needs/wants as do I.

Children need clothes, books, toys, winter hats and gloves. My Dh is sat here in horror about a Dad not contributing to a winter coat for a baby.

I think the fact that your DH's life and money haven't changed since becoming a Dad is telling. He is basically living as a married man but living a single life where you all work around his band.

I would not have another child with this man. Him making dinner does not make up for his lack of respect and love for both you and your son.

SunshineAngel · 06/10/2019 21:05

What we do is that everything paid is in his name (I moved into his house) so I give him half of what he pays out. I'm the higher earner, but then for the rest of the month we just basically wing it with who pays what - meals out, fuel for the cars, etc. Whoever has money pays for it.

We don't treat ourselves very much, but we will if we want to, and if one of us doesn't have the money, the other usually pays. We don't take the piss - it's only ever reasonable treats.

It's worked for us, we both manage to put money into our individual savings and into the joint holiday account too. So win win.

ineedaholidaynow · 06/10/2019 21:28

So is he here on a temporary visa?

timshelthechoice · 06/10/2019 21:35

So he can support himself then, he won't have to leave, there have been plenty of threads on that, too, how he can still stay.

You won't get any tax credits, anyway, it's all Universal Credit now, but you'll definitely get assistance with childcare costs.

He's a fucking arsehole. He knows damn well this isn't fair, he doesn't care.

Original poster
Noklarawr · 06/10/2019 21:35

Dh will have to renew his visa every 2 and a half years for the next 10 years before he can apply to stay indefinitely

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 06/10/2019 21:36

Then he does so, that is no reason for you to suffer financial abuse from him for 10 years whilst he plays Peter Pan. He has a right to stay as a parent, you can research it on here. He's financially abusive.