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Original poster

How do you and Dh Split expenses

154 replies

Noklarawr · 06/10/2019 14:59

I earn around £700 a month, DH earns around £1100. Personally I think my dh should pay more of the household bills but he is very firm on us both paying half, so half the rent, utilities, food costs etc. We also have a baby whom up until now I've bought more or less all of his clothes, books, toys etc. I've read that some people put all their earnings in to a joint account, pay the bills from that and then split the leftover each month, that would be amazing! I know that would never happen with my dh but what I've suggested is that on our rent bill for example which is £565 total, I pay £235 and dh pays £330, so 1/3 of my wages goes towards rent and just under 1/3 of his does too, same would go for other household bills. This would leave me next to nothing for personal expenses and a fair chunk of dh income would be left over for him to use as he pleases but he shot this idea down straight away. Am I being unreasonable to think he should contribute more as he earns more? I mean, I may not work as many hours as dh but I spend a lot more of my time looking after our child, that counts as work too in my mind.

OP posts:
PinkDaffodil2 · 06/10/2019 17:22

Everything goes into the joint account- equal amount spending money per month into personal Starling accounts. Previously I have been the higher earner with DH studying for a period, now I’m on mat leave and he will overtake me.
I was going to increase my portion as I get most baby stuff but actually DH has to pay for work suits and tube, and most baby stuff is cheap second hand now we have the bug stuff. Might suggest increasing both by a little :)

Original poster
Noklarawr · 06/10/2019 17:22

I've also just bought ds winter coat, hat etc along with a few of the next size up clothes, I think I should ask dh to contribute towards that though

OP posts:
mumonthehill · 06/10/2019 17:22

What would happen if your child became ill and you could not work, or you became ill? How would you cover your share? We pool all money, we are a partnership. I understand a little if you both earn the same but if you drop hours to look after DC you will struggle to earn what you may have if you had stayed full time so this set up always leaves you in a vulnerable position.

TimeforanotherChange · 06/10/2019 17:24

One account and been that way since just before we married. For most of that time dh earned more than me but currently its the other way around. Never any quibbles on who spends what, I generally spend more on myself than DH does I suspect.

@siriusblackthemischieviouscat - this is identical to us. DH now retired and I'm the sole earner, but when DCs were small he was the only one working. We've always just had a joint account and everything comes out of it. Money has always been tight to be honest, but DH has never complained, or asked what I'm spending money on.

Scarydinosaurs · 06/10/2019 17:24

Definitely call his bluff then and find some other homes in cheaper areas/cheaper rent and say you need the family to move there as you can’t afford to live where you are on your salary.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 06/10/2019 17:24

But did you never discuss you working part time? Is that what you did before you got pregnant?

ineedaholidaynow · 06/10/2019 17:25

Cheesey do you have the ability to earn as much as your DH? I don't think I would be happy if DH and I worked similar hours but he happened to be on a much higher salary so he was able to have much better quality stuff than me , and I can't imagine he would let me live like that either.

At the moment I am heavily involved in the voluntary sector with a role that has a high level of responsibility but is non paid. It would not be possible to do this role effectively if I was working substantial number of hours too. DH therefore has much higher earnings than me, but is happy for me to carry on what I am doing and all money goes into a joint account. Any money I earn, as it is not always a regular amount, is seen as extra and would be put towards holidays etc. There is no way DH would let me go without because he earns more money and in fact he sees my voluntary work as more 'worthy' than his work!

Apileofballyhoo · 06/10/2019 17:26

Would childcare costs eat up your wages if he was paying half? He sounds like a complete and utter prick to be honest.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/10/2019 17:26

It appears to me that your dh had a lot more freedom to earn more money than you.

You are unable to bring in more money because he has an evening hobby. So he either recognises this and treats you more fairly or he finds and pays for his own childcare on those hobby nights to enable you to earn more.

smartiecake · 06/10/2019 17:28

I think you need to sit your H down and discuss this. Your son and any subsequent kids will need loads of stuff and want loads of stuff as they get older. As parents you both need to provide that. Could you both put the same % of your wages into a joint pot to cover all expenses.
If you continue as you are you will find yourself really struggling to pay for things as your child gets older and this will cause huge resentment in your marriage. Try and nip it in the bud now these things can fester and cause bigger issues further on

Original poster
Noklarawr · 06/10/2019 17:30

I think asking dh to contribute more each month is just never going to happen, I've just asked him to pay half of the winter coat and hat I bought our ds this week but got a point blank no as apparently that's a me purchase because I didn't consult him... Hmm

OP posts:
Fifthtimelucky · 06/10/2019 17:31

We've been married over 25 years. Everything has just gone into one joint account. We have various separate savings accounts in individual names too, but it's all treated as shared money.

Over the years, the amounts we have each paid in have differed. In general, he earned more, but sometimes I did. For 2 years I was on a career break and earned nothing. All expenses were paid from joint money, including child support for my husband's son. What we each earned never made any difference (though obviously it affected how much we had available to spend).

I understand why unmarried partners wouldn't do this, but not those who are married unless of course one party cannot be trusted (eg a gambler).

smartiecake · 06/10/2019 17:32

Seriously you need a conversation and he needs a reality check

Original poster
Noklarawr · 06/10/2019 17:33

I should say that every few months dh goes away for a few weeks at a time (he plays in a band, they spend more money than they earn but it's something he really enjoys) , me working more would be impossible while that happens

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 06/10/2019 17:36

OP what would you get if you split?

He would pay the mortgage, and you’d getting maintenance...you’d probably be better off. Ask if he’s rather that. No more band weekends unless it was on your weekend etc

Therealjudgejudy · 06/10/2019 17:37

Another mug having kids with a selfish man child while he does what he wants and she suffers the financial abuse. Grow a backbone woman or leave this selfish prick.

Original poster
Noklarawr · 06/10/2019 17:38

I would be much better off financially if we split but ds wouldn't be living with his dad.
It's not band weekends, it's whole weeks, infact he'll be away for 2 weeks this month, I don't get a say in that, it just happens every so often

OP posts:
losingmymindiam · 06/10/2019 17:39

I'm actually a bit sad for you OP because a marriage should be a partnership. I feel cross on your behalf. You are enabling him to work full time and therefore earn more, and have a hobby and agree with PP that if he wants this freedom in evenings he needs to pay for the childcare so that you can increase your earnings. That would be 50:50 fair as he wants it..

You should both be paying the same percentage in my opinion, if you don't have a joint account, so you earn less, you pay less. In no way is your set up fair. We pool all our money and my DH would never have it any other way. We just have joint money.

ELM8 · 06/10/2019 17:40

That doesn't sound fair at all - you can't work more because he has other commitments. It should be a partnership and it's not so something has to change..

Frankly, he's being an arsehole and I think you need to tell him that and remind him you are married and share a child.

We have always pooled our money and both taken an equal amount each for discretionary spending (clothes/toiletries/drinks with friends etc) and everything else comes out of various joint accounts. This allows for fluctuations in earnings (DH earns more than me but has also been out of work a few times) and it means I'm not disadvantaged for working part time to look after our child when it arrives..

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/10/2019 17:41

Do you want your ds to grow up thinking this is how a healthy marriage works?

Cheesey21 · 06/10/2019 17:42

@ineedaholidaynow I have the ability to earn almost similar to DH, yeah but choose not to because I wouldn't like the extra stress/pressure that comes with it and am happy with the disposable income I have now whilst doing a job which is very flexible and I enjoy. I also couldn't now earn much less than I'm on though because we have financial commitments he couldn't quite manage on his own. He is looking to be promoted next year though so I can go PT after maternity leave 🤞 but we wouldn't do this without an advanced discussion about how to make up money I'd be 'losing'.

DowntonCrabby · 06/10/2019 17:42

God he sounds awful. Not just selfish or tight but financially abusive.

I’d be making serious plans to leave.

user159 · 06/10/2019 17:45

We always had separate finances until now as we earned a similar wage and paid fairly etc etc. However, we now have an 8 month old so when I return to work PT we are going to pool everything and have agreed on splitting what is left in half and sending it back to personal accounts so we can do as we please with it. We're both happy with this as it was a joint decision to have a baby, as well as a joint decision that I would go PT rather than DH. It has to be fair otherwise the resentment would build up for me!

0lga · 06/10/2019 17:45

What @DowntonCrabby said

CallmeAngelina · 06/10/2019 17:47

Going away for a week twice? How about you giving him a "flat no because he didn't consult you?"
Or maybe start charging for sex? He's effectively billing you for everything else.

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