How do you and Dh Split expenses

[Noklarawr]

I earn around £700 a month, DH earns around £1100. Personally I think my dh should pay more of the household bills but he is very firm on us both paying half, so half the rent, utilities, food costs etc. We also have a baby whom up until now I've bought more or less all of his clothes, books, toys etc. I've read that some people put all their earnings in to a joint account, pay the bills from that and then split the leftover each month, that would be amazing! I know that would never happen with my dh but what I've suggested is that on our rent bill for example which is £565 total, I pay £235 and dh pays £330, so 1/3 of my wages goes towards rent and just under 1/3 of his does too, same would go for other household bills. This would leave me next to nothing for personal expenses and a fair chunk of dh income would be left over for him to use as he pleases but he shot this idea down straight away. Am I being unreasonable to think he should contribute more as he earns more? I mean, I may not work as many hours as dh but I spend a lot more of my time looking after our child, that counts as work too in my mind.

Oh OP, this is making me really sad :( I can't believe he won't even pay half for his child's bloody coat.

Tell him you can't afford to work part time anymore so you're going back full time. His share of the child care will be about £400 a month. You may well be worse off as a family, do the sums, but you'll be better off so 🤷‍♀️ maybe that'll help him realise how fucking stupid he's being.

Also this: he would have the luxury of working less so that’s the benefit to part time work - is that an actual joke?

DH earns 6 times what I do (although brings home just over 3 times what I do after tax) but all money goes into one account. There is no “split” of anything.... it is all “ours”.

Seriously I would leave, this is simple financial abuse.

How utterly depressing and sad

Everything goes into one pot and we spend what we want within reason because we respect each other and neither of us are dicks. There have been periods where I've earned much more, where DH has, or when one or the other isn't earning at all (as with DH now) and this just isn't ever a question. We both contribute to the relationship - money isn't the only valuable contribution.

Him wanting to be consulted is saying: I don’t trust your decision making.

Fuck that.

Start telling him stuff dc need on the days he has dc. "I'm off to work, dc need a new wolly hat and some pyjamas if you can take him for those today".

I would consider a detailed budget that also includes some savings. He shouldn’t be able to spend all his leftover on whatever he wants.he should agree to a certain amount. Saving a certain amount will help in your old age. No telling how much food will costs when your a OAP

What you have isn’t a marriage, not in my book.

He’s having his cake and eating it and taking you for a fool in the process. All the benefits of marriage and a family but he gets to act like a single man with no responsibilities?! Fuck that, is far rather be single and for my child to be raised in a home where he has a chance of growing up differently to his father.

You need to sit down with him.

Tell him that you need more money, either you have a family pot or you are going to increase your hours. If you increase your hours he won't be able to go off on his jollies with the band as he will be needed to help look after DC. Give him details of how much local childcare costs.

Ask him why he thinks child costs are mainly down to you. Ask him if he will be proud that when your DC is older he will see his Dad spending loads of money on himself whilst his mum and DC have to make do eg can't have a winter coat. I assume he doesn't realise children grow too and their needs change as they get older.

Make a list of all your outgoings and show him how much you have to pay compared to him, and how much you have left over at the end of each month, and ask him how much he does (before he wastes it on the band).

I assume you are partly on a lower wage because of looking after your DC, which probably enables him to work the hours he does, that is why most people pool family money.

Dare I ask OP what happened when you were on maternity leave, did he still expect you to pay 50% of the bills?

What happens on the weeks when he is away, who looks after your baby when you are working and he can't do the days he normally does?

I was at college when I had ds, I took 8 weeks off when he was born then continued on with the course, I didn't have much choice as I wouldn't have continued to get my student loan if I'd taken any longer or not finished my course. So maternity leave didn't affect our earnings, I was getting the same as now and still paid 50% of the bills and new things ds needed.
When dh goes away my mum looks after ds more for me, honestly everyone has to accommodate dhs ventures, it's not really up for discussion, if my mum couldn't take ds I would have to take time off or pay childcare

I will say he does cook dinner 4-5 nights a week which is pretty great!

He doesn’t care about you. He is incredibly selfish and that won’t change. You can talk until you are blue in the face but he won’t act more fairly. You either put up with this or unfortunately sooner or later you leave/he leaves.

I've just asked him to pay half of the winter coat and hat I bought our ds this week but got a point blank no as apparently that's a me purchase because I didn't consult him...

I agree with PP, this tips it over the edge from "selfish, self-absorbed arsehole" to "financial abuse".

He is not funding his own child at all but expecting you to pay everything despite you having taken the earnings hit.

He is exploiting your lack of financial power to do whatever the fuck he wants.

He is controlling you with money. To most people the idea of a marriage and family where one person can "afford" much nicer things than the others is total anathema. Being family means you are all in it together and you can all afford the same. Not to him though apparently. He doesn't consider you or his own child family. Divorce the fucker, both you and DS will be better off.

He cooks 4/5 days per week and you think that makes him great! It's called doing his fair share, equal leisure time - his hobby is his leisure time.

No doubt apart from not cooking 4/5 time per week does all the other household chores fall to you?

You can't carry on like this. There's no saving grace here.
You're being taken for a fool.
I won't jump straight to LTB but I seriously think you need to sit him down and lose your shit at him.

I will say he does cook dinner 4-5 nights a week which is pretty great!

...it really isn't. I'm sorry but your expectations are pitifully low. So much so it's making me very sad.

What kind of relationship role models did you have growing up? What was your parents' relationship like.

Well dh has never turned on the hoover or done a load of laundry and up until a huge row a few weeks ago he had never filled ds bottles but he usually washes the cooking dishes once he's made dinner and takes out the rubbish bag once I've filled it up, so the chores are pretty well split I think most of the time.

Why are you defending him?

Well he’s a charmer isn’t he.

He doesn’t clean, he doesn’t provide for his child, he arranges his life (and yours) entirely to suit him.

Tosser

What you have isn’t a marriage, not in my book.

Nor in mine. You sound more like housemates, which, given you’re married and have a child together, is pretty awful.

Those chores are not split evenly

So you do all the cleaning and laundry and some of the cooking and dishes.

Who does the food shop, ironing, putting clothes away, meal planning, clothes planning, present planning and shopping etc etc?

Oh dear stop scrapping together some reasons why you think he may be a decent OH. I pay what I can towards bills, mortgage etc and transfer a set amount however all kids stuff is paid for by my DH, food etc it’s not subject to discussion as he earns more. I should add that I am not poorly paid but compared to him he earns double . He pays for nights out etc

What does he do on the days he looks after your baby whilst you are at work? Does he do any chores then as I assume he expects you to do them when you are home with the baby?

What would his response be if you said he needed to sort out childcare when he goes away (and prime your DM to say that she can't do it), and that if he wanted childcare to be used that he would have to pay for it as him going away is a treat not a necessity. I assume the rest of the band members don't have young babies at home. Does he use annual holiday when he goes away?

Dearie me. This is appalling. Where is the anger?
This is not right, OP. This is not how real men behave. He is treating you like some wench whose job it is to breed and keep quiet. Where is your anger?!

Op this isn’t a marriage and it isn’t a good example for your son. He isn’t a good man or husband

A frank discussion is needed where you get power back and if not you walk because he is financially and emotionally controlling